Honey-Do List

Bad, blogger. Bad, bad, blogger. Until last night I haven't updated my blog in 2 months. I feel like if we're not actively working towards having a baby, that I have nothing to say that anyone would care to read. My sweet husband doesn't believe anyone really reads the blog, so he often leaves comments. But I have been doing a lot. So last night I did some updating to the blog. I have backdated the blog so all of the entries for the last 2 months are new, but look "old." Sneaky huh?? Now for more of what I've been up to.

Quite some time ago, about a year and a half or two years ago, I felt a stirring in my heart. God was speaking to me, and calling me to a time of preparation. Preparing for what?? I'm not sure. But preparation none-the-less. He gave me a list of things to do. A "honey-do" list. None of the things on my list were particularly difficult. I put a little effort into it at the time. And within a few weeks, brushed it aside. I've revisited those thoughts here and there, but still never put the effort into them that I needed to. I am very glad to say that over the last couple of months I have once again recognized the need for obedience, and I have been putting a great deal more effort into my list. So you might be asking what kind of list God would give me? I'll share it with you.

Honey-Do Area's of Preparation

• Spiritually - My walk with Him has not been as it should for quite some time. I've been existing, but not drawing near to Him. Very specifically I felt called to finish the Beth Moore bible study that I purchased a couple of years ago called "Believing God." progress - Beginning week 8 of 10!


• Physically - I am overweight! I lost more than 30 pounds before I met Mark, and after we got married, I gained all that back.... multiplied! I have known all along that being overweight increases my PCOS symptoms, and in turn makes it harder to conceive. Not o mention that it's just plain unhealthy! progress - 16 pounds gone.... lots more to go, but still 16 pounds gone!


• Our Home - God has blessed us with a very nice home. There are lots of things I want to do to our home, and I've been slowly working on them. However there was one specific area that NEEDED work. In my family we refer to it as "Chuck's Room." We have no one in our family named Chuck. So why does Chuck have a room?? Because you open the door and chuck things in. When we moved into the house 2 and a half years ago, Chucks room was where we put anything that we didn't know where to put, or didn't have room to put, or just didn't want to take care of. I have attempted cleaning it out many times. I even had a crib set up in there for awhile. But there has been lots of emotional baggage tied to that room. The crib remains empty. The room doesn't yet serve the purpose I dreamed of when we first walked through it. Also in the area of our home, I have been working on things that I want to do to it that would be harder to do with a baby. I don't consider those things a requirement on the list though... just extra credit! progress - Chucks Room is CLEAN!!! The closet isn't yet, but the ROOM is clean! You can see the carpet!!! This is monumental! I'll add (terribly embarrassing) before and after pictures just so you can appreciate it! I do want to add that the before pictures are no indication of the rest of our house! We do keep the rest of our house in tidy order, chucks room is just the unseen area.

So now you know what I've been up to! It's very sad, but I feel almost like the Children of Israel wandering in the desert just outside of their promised land, because of unbelief and disobedience. Hopefully my wandering isn't quite as long as theirs! I am working on things though. That is all I can do now. I am recognizing the importance of obedience for the sake of obedience, not just for a reward. I do have to wonder if my disobedience is the reason our baby is in heaven, and not inside me. I can't dwell on that thought though, only move forward.

Bathroom Update

Here is my latest project. Only one before picture, and that is the picture with the carpet. In a week I tore up the carpet and the little vinyl patch around the toilet, layed tile, and put beadboard and chair rail on the walls with a new border and new towel bars.

Reflections

First of all, this might get a little long and wordy, but I just need to let this out.

I am doing a Beth Moore bible study called Believing God. I paid for the study A LONG time ago, and for one reason or another, never got more than a few weeks into it (I think it's 10 weeks long) but that's a story for another post. For this post, I'd like to just say I'm really glad I'm finally doing it. I'm really getting something out of it. One thing I have known for awhile, but is really hitting home to me this week is knowing God has a plan for my life. My first mom died when I was 3. While it is true that children are resilient, that was still a life altering thing for me. It caused a great deal of sadness throughout my childhood. I couldn't really remember her, but just KNOWING I used to have a different mom, and she died was hard. But this week I was reminded of how God's hand was in that situation all along. I am not saying God caused bad things to happen. I don't believe that. I do believe however that He does allow things to happen in our lives, and uses them.

More and more I am reminded of God's protection, especially during the most difficult times. God used a very bad thing-- cancer-- to urge my mom to get her life right with Him. She was a christian when she died, and she is at perfect peace in heaven now. God used a terrible thing --the death of my mom-- to handpick the perfect family to raise me to love Him. God used those events to protect us. Who would have thought of that? Cancer to protect someone?? There is no doubt in my mind if those things hadn't happened, I would not be who I am today. My mom died 26 years ago next week. It's taken me a lifetime to appreciate God's hand in these very sad, very difficult situations. Just last night while recapping these events in the earliest season of my life for my "Believing God" lesson, I started to wonder... years down the road in life, how will I see God's hand when I think of infertility, or our miscarriage? I WANT to see His hand in this. I KNOW God had a reason for blessing us with our tiny baby for such a short time, only to take him to heaven before we could ever even see him. It's another terrible situation, but I have to know that God isn't surprised by this.

What's the Plan? ~Devotion~

I wrote a devotion about a month ago to be shared on Hannah's Prayer. It didn't get read very much there, so I decided to share it here as well.

What’s the Plan?

My family loves to get together, but things are often left unorganized until the last minute. It seems I find myself asking them “What are we going to do? What’s the plan?”

In your own life do you ever find yourself wondering what the plan is? I’ve wondered that many times. I remember one specific time that I asked God. I remember it so clearly, that while it was 10 years ago, it’s as clear as if it were yesterday. I was 19, and my first love had just broken up with me. I was devastated. I was so sure he was the one I was going to marry. I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I was on my way to work, and cried out to God, “Please! Just show me how this is going to turn out.” My reasoning for this request was simple. If I knew how it was going to work out-one way or the other- I would have the strength to get through it. I got an answer to my request. It just wasn’t the one I wanted.

God laughed at me. I heard Him. He laughed. Not the mean hurtful laugh of one relishing in the pain of another, but the very opposite. It was a warm gentle chuckle as He softly said “And just how much faith would that take?” It’s taken years for those words to really sink in. If I had all the answers, if I knew the plan, how much would I really lean on Him?

I know what MY plan is. But His ways are not my ways. He has a much bigger plan for my life than I can even begin to imagine. We’ve all heard that, or something along those lines countless times. As difficult as it can sometimes be to hear, it’s true! I love Jeremiah 29:11, this is The Message translation.

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out-- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

“I know what I’m doing.” How can you argue with God when He says that?? When I think about God’s plan for my life though, I can get pretty self-centered. After all, it is His plan for MY life. I often forget though that He has a lot of plans He’s coordinating. With that thought I’m reminded of an illustration I once heard when I worked in youth ministry.

A lady was working on a project while her grandson was on the floor playing with toys. He looked up several times to see a needle pierce the cloth. Her steady hand pulled the needle from below in one place, and pushed it back up through he cloth in another place. Every now and then, she would clip the string and choose another color of string, and begin stitching again. The boy looked up and saw a bunch of crisscrossed colors and tattered strings . He wondered why she would spend so much time making such a mess!

So finally he asked her. “Just you wait,” She told him. So he continued playing and she continued stitching. Finally she called him over, lifted him on to her lap to see a beautiful tapestry. She explained that from his view below all he could see was the messy underside, but from above she could see a work of art. Each of those stitches was necessary to make the whole picture come together.

Oh the countless times I’ve looked up to wonder why God was making such a mess out of things! Now just try to imagine the beautiful masterpiece He’s creating, weaving our lives together, in tragedy and triumph.

Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Something to think about. How much would you lean on Him if you knew the plan?

More local travel

Yesterday Mark and I decided to do some more local exploration. This time we went south-east to the "South Hills." We were scouting for some camping spots. We didn't find anywhere we really wanted to go camping, but it was a nice drive. And we came across this VERY funny (gross but funny!) sign. I'm thinking about sending it to Letterman!

Our animals

We are blessed with wonderful animals. We loved them like family. Our kitties are sisters. They love to be together. They are rarely apart.

And our dog Lady. She is my baby. She's a 50 pound lap dog. She is truly a gift from God. I don't know how I would have made it through these years of longing for a child without her. I Thank God for his blessings!!

March of Dimes and Father's Day

Busy weekend! Mark is on-call for work, so we must stay close to home, so we decided to skip the normal family festivities. Part of this was for me. Mother's Day and Father's Day will never again be the same for me. Friday night we took our parents out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day with our dads. We had a nice time together with our parents.

Mark had to work Saturday, and earlier in the week I got suckered into walking in the March of Dimes Walk America with the team from my office. I had thought about it a couple of months ago, but Mark talked me out of it. Much to Mark's upset, I got talked back into it. I'm not so sure why he didn't want me to walk. I had to remind him that he himself benefited from March of Dimes as a premie. I ended up walking. 6.2 Miles is a long way to walk when one isn't prepared to do so! I really didn't think I would make it the whole way, but once I made it 2/3's of the way, I was determined to finish. It was a good feeling to finish, but I'm a bit sore for it!

For Father's Day, I wasn't going to go to church. The thought really hadn't occurred to Mark that we might not go. So I figured if anyone had a right to be upset today it should be Mark, and if he wants to go, then we shall go. When they asked all of the Father's to stand up, I think it really hit Mark. Even though he knew he is a Father, he didn't stand up. I think he didn't want to feel like he needed to justify or explain that our child is in heaven. I had a rough time in the service we ended up staying for prayer afterwards. The music minister is the one that came to pray with us. What a devine appointment. He and his wife suffered through infertility and ended up adopting their son. He spoke to us with great compassion from someone who has been down that road.

Women's Retreat

Mark and I both grew up in Assembly of God churches. His parents and mine both attend A/G churches. Mark and I do not. We belong to a church we love called Lighthouse Christian Fellowship. We have nothing against A/G churches, but we just felt led to the church we are a part of. My oldest sister's husband is an Assembly of God pastor. She invited my mom and I to go to women's retreat with her church.

I decided to go. The retreat is in a beautiful facility surrounded by some of God's most amazing scenery. I went with expectations. I want to be healed. It feels like my body has failed me in so many ways. We have been trying to have a baby for more than 4 years now, and my body can't even have a miscarriage the way it should! It's very frustrating. So at the end of the first night, the speaker had an alter call for women who needed a healing in their bodies. She first called for people with specific conditions, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Then she called for anyone that wanted a healing in their body. My mom told me I had to go up. I wanted to, but didn't know if that was necessarily what I was supposed to do. I dismissed that in my mind as fear. Fear of not being healed. Fear of disappointment. So I went up. There were so many women at the altar for prayer that I had to wait for probably about an hour. When she got to me and asked what I needed prayer for, I told her between my tears about our efforts to have a baby, and our recent loss. She told me that she doesn't pray for couples to have babies. She never had a baby, and there are lots of children around for me to love on. She said she would pray for God to give us a child only if that child would make heaven it's home. She didn't pray for my body to be healed. I left that alter angry.

Later, my mom was speaking with a member of the prayer team that travels with this speaker, and she said what a great track-record the speaker has for praying for babies. Every year she has women come up to her with their miracles conceived after she prayed for them. She didn't pray for me to be healed. She didn't really pray for me to have a baby. What was I supposed to get out of that? I don't know. In the end, I think it was some confirmation of some things I needed to hear. I guess maybe I was pinning my faith on the prayers of a person, not God. How sad. :( It really isn't about me. God does have a plan, and I need to learn to wait on that plan. The rest of the retreat was good, once I got passed that. While the retreat wasn't what I had hoped for or expected, I did get some confirmations of things I needed to hear. God has given me directions. He has given me my honey-do list to work on. I just need to keep working on it. Will this bring me a baby? I don't know. I guess in the end that's not what matters. I need to be obedient. Lots of rambling here, but I'm getting my thoughts out. More on that later! With this, I'll leave you with some more pictures.

Local Tourists!

We talked about going away for memorial day weekend, but in the end decided against it. I have spent my entire life in Southern Idaho. The problem with spending my entire life in one area is that it's easy for me to overlook the beauty that surrounds me. Mark didn't grow up in this area, and he's not entirely familiar with some of the local attractions. So we

decided to be local tourists. We grabbed our sunglasses, some snacks and the camera and hopped in the car and started driving. I think the farthest we got from home was about 40 miles, but the beauty is amazing when you slow down to admire it! We looked like we were out-of-towners, stopping along the road to take pictures. We really didn't care. We had a great time together. Hope you enjoy some of the pictures from our day!

The beauty of spring

Let me start by saying, I do not have a green thumb. I have one houseplant that has survived for nearly 6 years now, and I'm trying to figure out how! I'm told it's very drought-tolerant! But I am trying! :) We have been in our home for 2 and a half years now. (We moved in 18 -months to the day - from our wedding date. So here is a look around the beauty of spring at our house.

Last year I was given a gift certificate to a local nursery. I looked and looked, but couldn't decide on what to choose. Finally I decided on a chinese wisteria. I chose it because of the beautiful flowers pictured on the tag. I was saddened to find out later that it only blooms in spring, and I had already missed it's flowers for the year. Yesterday I was outside pulling weeds, and I looked up to see this beautiful delicate flower. So far it's the only bloom on the vine. I'm hoping for more. I wish I could make this picture a scratch and sniff. The smell of this flower is amazing! I really need to work on something for this Wisteria to climb on!



Our first spring in this home, I kept my niece while my sister was a a retreat. As a thank you gift, she gave me his clematis. It's got some beautiful blooms on it as well. I hope it will grow bigger this year than it has in past years. I need to get myself some miracle grow for this one! There is lattice on op of the fence behind the trellis. I'd love for the clematis to take over the fence!

And here is a glimpse into my "secret garden." I created this last year. It's a work in progress. But there are several things that have come back from last year. I'll take more pictures as more things come into bloom. Part of yesterday's work was to plant the moss between the stepping stones of the garden floor. I chose the moss because it is fast growing. I'm hoping it takes over all the cracks quickly! The floor of the garden is made up of cement stepping stones that are molded to look like stone. When I started the garden, I envisioned a large stone floor that had been broken into many pieces, with ground cover growing in the cracks. I'm getting there.


I'm still waiting on my lilacs to bloom, so you'll have to wait to see pictures of those. The bushes are sure growing though! They were the first thing I planted our first spring in our home. They were planted even before the grass. When we had nothing but a dirt lot with a house in the middle! So more pictures to come as spring continues to progress around us!

Our Anniversary

4 years ago today, I married my prince charming. It was a beautiful wedding, on a breezy and cool, but still lovely day. I remember it well. Today we celebrated that day. Mark and I both took the afternoon off of work. I made it home before Mark did, so I did a couple of things around the house. I replaced the broken keypad on the keyless opener for the garage. Mark came home and we went to town, did a little bit of shopping. We got Mark a fishing pole and some accessories as his anniversary gift. We then went to lunch together and had fajitas. MMMMM! Our favorite place for fajitas is still Cafe Ole in Boise, but that's 2 hours away. So we decided to try out a mexican restaurant we hadn't eaten at before. It was wonderful. The service was great and the food was very good as well.

After lunch Mark took me to the mall and I go a pedicure. It was a wonderful relaxing time. She offered to paint a flower on my toe. turned out very well. Even if you can't see it in the picture very well. Once the pedicure was complete, Mark and I took a short drive. Then we came home, and I took a nap for about an hour. Mark woke me up and it was time for our Lifegroup bible study. All in all a wonderful anniversary!

Mother's Day Survival

After an emotionally tough weekend I think I've survived Mother's Day. It was definitely not without tears. I did have a couple of family members acknowledge our loss, and the difficulty I was having with the holiday. I gave myself a backup (or maybe better put, back out) plan in case I wasn't up to the normal family festivities. I delivered my brother's birthday gift, and my mom's mother's day gift both on Saturday. In the end I decided to go.

Thanks for those that were praying for me. I know that was a huge help in getting me through the day.

Big step

I have struggled with Mother's Day a lot over the last few years. This year is different. This year I am blessed to be able to say I AM a mom. I've never been able to say that before. While I'm blessed to be able to say I'm a mom, I'm also still very grieved at the passing of our child. The physical part of my miscarriage is finally over, but the emotional aspect still lingers. That's one thing I think a lot of people don't understand. This wasn't just a pregnancy that didn't work out. We had a baby and it died. I feel like there are some people that don't understand this, and are maybe a bit critical that I am still grieving. I would like to challenge them to hold onto that criticism until they have walked a mile in these shoes.

Wow, have I gotten sidetracked or what? I came to talk about a big step I took today. My birthday was February 1, right in the midst of our treatment cycle. I was so hopeful for this cycle, that when I received a mall gift certificate from my sisters, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to use it for. I was going to save it for the long awaited maternity clothes. I have been saving that gift certificate in the bottom of my purse all these months. Every time I've thought about spending it, that thought was met with a great deal of sadness and anxiety. Today I used it to purchase a new bible. It's an Message/NIV parallel bible. I'm excited about it.

On a side note, I would like to ask for prayer for a blog-friend Ramona and her husband Wade. This mother's day will be particularly hard for them as they just learned yesterday of the loss of 2 more of their precious children to a failed IVF treatment, bringing their total number of children in heaven to 6. I know the pain I feel at the loss of one child, I can't imagine that compounded. Please pray for these dear people.

Touched

When Mark and I met, he was a youth minister at his church, and I was doing youth and children's ministry at mine. After we married, we did the children's ministry together, and Mark did music ministry at the small church I belonged to. For various reasons, we left that church about 2 and a half years ago. Sadly, since then, we have been going to church very casually-- Never REALLY getting involved. Mark wanted to, but I think I resisted. I don't even want to get into the reasons, or worse, the excuses for this. Last Sunday after church, I walked by a table, and signed us up for a small group. Our church now calls them "Lifegroups- Do life Together."

We know one of the couples that co-hosts this lifegroup, so that helped me in choosing this group. It's specifically for married couples. We went tonight. There were 5 couples total at this Lifegroup. We opened by introducing ourselves. Then We sang a few worship songs. The Last Song was "Lord You're Beautiful"

"Oh Lord You’re beautiful

Your face is all I seek

For when Your eyes are on this child

Your grace abounds to me."

When we sang this song, the tears really began streaming down my face. I didn't want to cry. I just couldn't stop it. I want to reach a point that His face is all I seek. It seems that over the last few years I've wanted to be a mom so bad that I spend a whole lot of energy seeking that. Probably more than I spend seeking Him. This must change. The other part of that really got me was this: "For when Your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me." Think about those words. Soak them in. Wow. When are His eyes not on us? Even as I have felt a whole range of emotions after losing our only baby, God has had his eyes on me, and I have been surrounded by His grace. I just felt so touched. I want to cry again now.

Silly blood pressure!

I had to go back to the doctor's office again today. Just to have the nurse check my blood pressure. Late last week Mark and I went to our favorite store Costco and bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was a whole lot lower at home than it was at the doctor's office for my last appointment. Interesting huh? So I took my monior with me to the doctor's office today. I checked my blood pressure at work in the morning, and it was 127/76. At the doctor's office, as soon as I walked in the door and was standing in line, I felt myself getting anxious. When she checked me, it was 142/87. So either I have a funky monitor, or I'm freaking out at the doctor's office. Which in light of doctor's appointments over the last couple of months, isn't out of the question. I pulled out my monitor and checked, and it was very close to what she got. So I don't have a funky monitor.

Silly blood pressure!

Doctor's Appointment

I had an appointment with my general family doctor yesterday. Wow.... how exhausting! Don't ya love it when they make you take your clothes off and sit in a room and wait on them. :) Looking around the room there were all kinds of mommy and me type things. I could feel the tears welling up. When the nurse came in, first of all, there were the apologies. She felt so bad about the congratulations call a couple of weeks ago. When she took my blood pressure it was abnormally high. The nurse left, and I was alone in the room. Being alone with my thoughts is still hard. Left alone with them very long, I lose it. Then the doctor came in. All he could say at first was "Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn." Doctor Irwin is such a nice man. He did the initial exam and then had the nurse, Laurie, come back in for my pap. Normally I'd go to my doctor in Boise for this, but I just didn't want to mess with the travel for just a pap. Dr Irwin said he'd send the results to Dr. Lowder and Dr Foulk in Boise for me.

After my pap was done, they talked with me about the high blood pressure, and of course, the need to lose weight. They they asked how I was doing. All in all, I cried, and they both listened for about 45 minutes. That's a great doctor for ya! Yes, you do have to wait in the waiting room FOREVER there at times, but I guess it makes it better knowing they aren't afraid to spend time on someone who needs it. It was very validating for me. Most people in my day to day life don't know what to say. So they don't say anything. Sometimes I just want to scream. My baby died, and my life changed forever. Life is back to normal for everyone else. I know Mark hurts. He just doesn't say it, or show it.

Ok, enough of the babbling! My current mission is to work on my blood pressure! I want to do another ovulation induction & IUI cycle, but I'm not sure when that's going to happen.

Home Improvements

I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't updated in about a month. I've been working on a home improvement project for awhile. My original intent was for dictraction from recent life events. I really threw myself into this project. Giving it every spare minute. I think it really turned out beautifully. We got a screaming good deal on cheap (errrr uhhhh, reasonably priced) ceramic tiles. Then I splurged on the accent tiles. Those really make the design. I designed the layout myself, and Mark and I helped my dad lay the cement board, and then my dad and I did got a good portion of it done while Mark was out of town for work.

Here are before and after pictures as well as some construction pictures.

Cat sees Dog... Dog sees Cat

Ok, this was tooo funny.

It was a nice spring day. I opened the sliding glass door to the back patio. I closed the screen door.

I sat down in my recliner in the living room. The dog was sitting at the foot of my chair.

Something catches my eye.

It's a cat, on the patio, looking in.

(Now you must understand this about my dog, Lady. We have 2 indoor cats. Lady understands that our cats are off limits. But any cat outside of the house is completely fair game. She LOVES chasing them, especially if they run. Now back to our program.)

While still seated in my recliner, I made a hissing noise to scare the cat off.

Cat sees dog.

Dog sees cat.

Cat starts to run.

Dog takes off in dead run.



Dog doesn't see.... or maybe doesn't care? that screen door is in the way.

Silly dog!

I should add, that no kitties (or dogs) were harmed in the making of this photo. I think the screen slowed her down just a split second. Long enough for the kitty to get a bit of a head start. Lady spent the next hour hunting down the scent in the back yard. Now she's just keeping an eye on things.



(Please excuse the mess in the picture. We are a bit under construction. Yes, the kitchen table is on the counter.... But there will be more pictures of that once it's finished.)

Long overdue update!

As I mentioned in a future post (yes, I'm backdating this) I've been a bad blogger. I feel almost like if I'm not pregnant or currently in treatment I have nothing to say that anyone cares to read. That's just silly me though I know :) Of course no one is going to read if I post anything! I've probably already lost my few faithful readers with my one month break in posting!

So anyways, here's the update on me. I went ahead and took the misoprostle. I decided not to wait it out. I planned a lovely date with Mark on a Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and got dinner in the crockpot, and a few other easy meals were ready to go. Then I took the pills. I waited for the torture to begin. I waited. And waited. NOTHING happened! GREAT!

So the next Monday (April 2), my hcg was down to 99. At this point, the slow dropping hcg and lack of response to the misoprostle had me very frustrated. I was all ready to ask for a d & c. I decided to wait for one more blood test.

The following Monday (April 9) I got the call that my hcg had dropped to 37! That was a total answer to prayer, because it was a significant drop. So I decided to wait things out a little longer. Before I got that call though, I got a call from my family doctor's office. They called to say they got results from the lab and they wanted to congratulate me on my positive pregnancy test. Wow that call took me by surprise. I got pretty upset at work.

My next blood test was the also on a Monday (April 16). Yipee all the way down to 5! Still bleeding though, and 5 isn't negative yet. It needs to be UNDER 5 to be considered negative. Hopefully one more blood test.

That brings me to the most recent Monday (April 23) I got the call I've been waiting on for weeks. I'm finally in the negative. the hcg was less than 1, and I've FINALLY stopped bleding. After a month and a half, I've finally stopped bleeding! I never thought I'd be so happy with a negative pregnancy test.

I don't know what's next. I guess for now we wait. Wait and pray. I'd love for you to pray with us!

Today's bloodwork

Today's bloodwork results are in. hCG levels are down to 137. That's down from 182 a week and a half ago. Dr L said that it's going down, but not fast enough, he wants repeat bloodwork this after the weekend to see if it's continuing in the right direction, and if not then he wants me to take the misoprostle. I think I might go ahead and take it this weekend anyways. No sense dragging out the inevitable. I'm tired of the bleeding already.

I have a lot more thoughts on this, but I just don't have the energy to compose it into this entry. So for now, in general, I am at peace. I am sad. I have grief, but I am ok. Our baby is safe. He will never see the other side of grace. Grandma Lucy is babysitting. That thought alone brings tears...

Kitty Comfort

We have two cats named Ginger and Maryann that are 5 1/2 years old. They are petite little cats (only about 8-9 pounds each) but they aren't kittens anymore. They have such individual personalities. Maryann has a particular affection for a good blanket. She is particular about her blankets. They need to be a certain texture. Once she finds her blanket- even if it means crawling under other blankets to get to it- she latches on. Yes, she bites onto the blanket, and starts kneeding against whatever is in reach with her paws. The silly cat likes nursing on blankets! When I was roommates with Angie she used to sit with Angie and a good blanket almost every evening. Now most nights she lays down next to Mark. I've read that sometimes kittens that are taken from their mom too soon do this. But both Ginger and Maryann were from the same litter, and came to live with us at the same time, and only Maryann does it. She only does it before she goes to sleep. I think it's just her way of comforting herself, and winding down for the night.

Nothing really new to report

Well, everything is still about the same. Except I have a nasty cold, and I do mean nasty! My nose is chapped from blowing it. I have a fever. I'm coughing. It's yucky! Not to mention the bleeding and a whole list of other ways my body seems to be failing me right now.

I'm feeling pretty run down physically. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. I don't know if it's new hope, or if it's that I'm finally starting to come to terms with this loss. I want very much for a miracle. Can you imagine what a fantastic testimony that would be?? Oh how I would shout that from the rooftops! Ultimately, my prayer is that God's will be done. I want this child to be in my arms, but I know God has a perfect plan for this baby's life. Whether that plan is best served with this child on earth now, or in heaven, is not my choice. I do know that. I've woken up several times with that prayer on my lips. I would ask that you pray for His will with me as well.

The second opinion

Ok, the 2nd opinion today from Dr L is to hold off on the labor inducing medication. If there is still a baby in there, he wants to give it a fighting chance until we are 100% sure, although he agreed it really doesn't look good. He couldn't see anything definate on the ultrasound. He saw a thickened whitish area, where the baby should be if there is still a baby in there, but there was movement there, indicating my body is probably trying to get rid of it. As soon as I got up to Boise, my bleeding picked up again after almost a week of only spotting. Dr L wants additional bloodwork in a week. From that he will determine if he wants to see another ultrasound, or if he will recommend going ahead with the medication to help the miscarriage along.

I feel good about this plan. I just want to be positive. I don't ever want to look back and regret taking action too soon. This doctor has such a gentle bedside manner. Very different from the RE. The RE is very knowledgable. I'm not discounting that at all. They have getting pregnant down to a science. But it's just that, a science. I don't get the feeling from them that this is or was a baby. It's just a pregnancy that isn't going as it should, so let's just scrap it and start over. Where Dr L talked about it like it is a baby. I'm really glad we went up there today.

I made a call

After yesterdays news, I felt very unsettled. After talking things over with Mark we decided we would like to have a second opinion. I called Dr L, an OB/gyn in Boise, and explained our situation to his nurse. She talked things over with Dr L, and they agreed to see me tomorrow at 11:30.

Total Confusion!!

My doctor's office FINALLY called at just before 5 today. (I had my blood drawn at 7:30 am yesterday--They have always gotten me same day results) My hcg went from 92 last week to 182 yesterday. Still extremely low for how many dpo (days past ovulation) I am. And it's definately not increasing appropriately for a pg. But what else would cause the hcg to continue increasing?? I started spotting at 21 dpo, and bleeding at 26 dpo. The bleeding changed back to spotting at about 30 dpo, and has continued as spotting. I'm now 37 dpo.

So what would cause my hcg levels to continue increasing??They want me to take MISOPROSTOL. I'm supposed to stick 4 pills where the sun don't shine. She said the side effects aren't pleasant, so she would recommend I don't take it tonight, but maybe wait till the weekend. Then they want a repeat blood test 4 days after I take the pills. I just about had a panic attack on the phone with her. My heart was racing. Everything in me wanted to scream that this isn't right! I'm just so confused.I had an ultrasound last Monday at 29 dpo, and it showed nothing anywhere. They were originally concerned that it was ectopic. So far I've had no specific pain. I've had aches and little cramps, but certainly nothing worse than a period. As far as that goes, my bleeding was never worse then a period.

It's been a few days

I know I haven't been posting as frequently this week. I guess I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are up and down. Most often several episodes of both each day. Yesterday I had a rough one. The flowers I posted about before from my dear friend Jennifer--They are wilted. They are dying, and our baby is gone. I can't bring myself to throw away the one gift received for our baby. The one gift he got during his short little life.

This morning we traveled 75 miles to visit the church where my brother in law and oldest sister are interim pastors. After church my nieces (my brother's 7 year old daughter, and my oldest sister's 8 years old daughter) asked if they could ride in our car to go to lunch. We had no problem with that, and my sister had no problem with that. So off we went. As they were getting into the car, the 7 year old said "You're pregnant, right?" I simply told her that I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. Our baby died. I didn't know what else to tell her.

So then the 8 year old (who lives in her own little world) said, "Aunt Niki's having a baby!"

"No, her baby died."

"Why did your baby die?"

"Maybe you weren't healthy enough"

"You should have another baby."

"Yeah, you need to have another baby"

The conversation in the back seat of the car seemed to go on forever, all the while Mark was trying to shush them, and change the subject. Finally he told them they needed to not talk about it right now, because it makes Aunt Niki very sad.

I didn't cry. Thankfully I was pretty numb in that moment. I'm thankful for the numb moments these days. It's funny. Seems like I can go for a little while, like everything's ok, and then something breaks inside me all over again, and I start crying and can't stop. This is normal right??

I felt like I had pregnancy symptoms all over again today. I had nausea throughout church, and on the way home. Probably just the hormones trying to get back to normal? I'm so silly. I still find myself praying for a miracle. I know what I saw last weekend, but I still hope. Then I cry.

"How are you?"

Oh what a loaded question. How does one answer that question? I hear it a hundred times a day. I don't know how to answer that. Obviously not honestly. "I'm crushed. My baby died over the weekend. Thanks for asking. How are you?" It seems like everything around me is a reminder. I went to work yesterday. I made it through the day with just a very few tears. Today was a little bit harder. I teared up several times, but was able to hold off a meltdown until tonight. I lost it. No particular trigger. I miss my baby. I want him back.

Physically, so far I'm doing very well. Emotionally... wow, I just wan't prepared for that. I have to wait for all the bills to come in before I can even begin to think about when we can try again.

Thank you for the prayers from those of you who are following our story.

It's 2 am, and I can't shut my mind off....

At this time last week, I was going to bed at 8:30 every night. Now I can't shut my mind off. And here I sit. I need a name for our baby. Mark thought from the beginning it was a boy. I can go with that. We had a first name picked out a long time ago, but I just don't know about a middle name to go with it. I will pray for a perfect name to go along with it. A perfect name for our perfect baby in heaven that Mama Lucy is babysitting for me. For those of you who don't know about Mama Lucy, she was my first mom who died when I was 3.

Browsing around the internet tonight, I started searching for some beautiful pencil drawings someone once emailed me. They were of Jesus with children. I want to order at least one of these. Tomorrow I will ask Mark's opinion between http://www.keatonprints.com/welcomeinhishands.htm and http://www.keatonprints.com/printsnuggle.htm Personally I think I'm leaning more towards the "In His Hands" print.

Today I asked my boss for one more day off. One more day to grieve before returning to life as normal. I don't feel like my life will ever be the same normal again. I know that sounds dramatic. But my life has been changed. Who would have thought a tiny human inside me for such a short time could change me. Once I got home and sat in my recliner crying for awhile, I decided maybe it wasn't the best thing for me to stay home for one more day and cry. So I planned on going back to work tomorrow. Now, and 2:30 am, I'm thinking I probably won't be at work tomorrow. That's ok too.

Our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus

Thank you all for your prayers, but this was not our take home baby. The bleeding has continued throughout the weekend. I didn't think it was heavy bleeding, but after my ultrasound (which showed nothing, no sack, no "mass" in the tubes) the nurse said it was heavy bleeding. TMI - I did pass something yesterday that wasn't a clot. I can't be sure what it was, but I can guess.

They did another blood draw. Last Monday at 22 days past ovuation my hcg was 52. Today at 29 days past ovulation it was 93. So now we are in "Expectant Management." I am supposed to stop the progesterone. I have another blood draw next Monday. If the level hasn't gone down, I have to go for another ultrasound. They will continue to monitor until my hcg is back to 0.

Physically, I've had some discomfort, a little bit of cramping, but nothing major yet. I asked the nurse what to expect as far as the bleeding goes. She said it could be days or weeks.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Some moments I'm fine. Thankful to know that we were able to conceive, and ready to try again. Other moments, I can't seem to stop sobbing--Our baby is gone, and I don't know where to go from here.

Cast my cares... the test

Friday morning while I was at work, I felt something not quite right. So I went to the bathroom. The spotting I have been experiencing all week was no longer spotting. I was now bleeding. I called my clinic right away. I explained the situation to the lady that answered the phone. She transferred me to a nurse's voicemail. About 2 hours later, just after I got back from lunch I got a call back on my cell phone. I took the phone and went into the bathroom as the nurse told me, the bleeding was probably for the best. It's just my body's way of taking care of things. The pregnancy probably only had a 20% chance of being viable with such a slow start. I was absolutely devistated. She was telling me she believes my baby is dead. No matter how much I tried to prepare for this possibiliby. I wasn't at all prepared. I asked about Monday's appointment. She said we could leave it on the books, but we should just see how the weekend goes, and I should call Monday morning and they might just have me go do bloodwork instead of driving to Boise for the ultrasound.

I left the bathroom and went to my supervisors desk. I think I may have still been sobbing. But she was very startled. She asked what was wrong. I told her. She told me to get my things and go. Don't worry about anything else, just go. I got halfway out the door, and had to run back to the bathroom and throw up.

I came home for the rest of the day. My sister came over to sit with me. She tried to get me to go out and do something with her. I just wasn't ready to. I spent a lot of time yesterday in tears. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my baby. It's not time. It's not my time. This is supposed to be a take home baby.

Today was better. I have to make a frequent conscious effort to "cast my cares." I've had tears today, but much fewer. Mark has said several times this is not over yet. We are going to go ahead and go for the ultrasound. I will call them Monday morning as they requested, but I want the ultrasound. I'm still praying for our miracle.

Tomorrow we will go to Boise, and stay overnight in a hotel. We are planning on going out to dinner, and maybe a movie. Mark has some shopping he wants to do as well. Monday we will go to the doctor, and then probably home.

Please please pray for our miracle. I felt a couple of days ago like God was telling me He wanted to show me His miracle in this. I just don't know what miracle He was referring to.

Better day today

After an emotionally up and down week. I had a pretty good up day. Earlier this week at work, I told one of my co-workers, Mike, about the baby, and the uncertainty the nurses are giving me, and asked him to pray. Yesterday he said he had something to tell me, but he didn't quite know how to say it. At that moment, amazingly, the room seemed to clear. God paved the way Mike to talk to me. He said that both he and his wife had prayed individually for Mark and I, and our baby. He said he felt the Lord telling him that He was waiting for me to bring this to Him. Mike said he didn't know if that meant me directly, or Mark and I. After pondering this and praying. I think it's not that I haven't bought it to the Lord. It's that I haven't brought it to the Lord and left it with Him! I keep picking it back up to carry it around.

"Casting all your care upon Him, because He cares about you" 1 Peter 5:7

So today any time I felt something, or had a thought that brought worry or concern, I just prayed. What an amazing difference. No tears today. Only a few more days before the ultrasound. Still bleeding, but the nurse assures me that in itself is nothing to be concerned about.

Nothing Exciting to report.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally today. I guess knowing that there really isn't going to be anything to know for a week has helped. This morning I just felt better. I am concerned that my morning temperature has dropped, and the spotting has continued, and even picked up a little bit. I want the spotting to stop, and my temps to go back to where they were. But I guess none of this is my choice right??

So this word is what I must cling to today:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Better late than never

OK, so I just FINALLY at almost 7:00 pm got a call from my clinic with today's beta results. I had my blood drawn at 7:30 this morning. What a terrible wait, but anyways.... for todays results.

Review:
Monday - 2/26 - 15 dpo - 9
Thursday - 3/1 - 18 dpo - 15


and for today...

...


...

Monday - 3/5 - 22 dpo - 52!!!

Soooo we're still going up. Still very low for how many days past ovulation I should be, but it's still increasing. My most recent doubling time was I think 53 hours. The nurse said things are increasing appropriately now, but the slow start still has them concerned about ectopic. So I still have instructions to call immediately if I have any kind of pain. I told the nurse that I started spotting last night ans asked if that is anything to be concerned about. She said as long as there is no pain, not to worry. It happens in 1 in 4 pregnancies. She gave me the option of repeat beta on Thursday, or ultrasound on Monday. We're going with the ultrasound since it's a much better picture of what's going on in there. She said they can do bloodwork then as well if needed.

So the wait goes on.

YAAAAAAY!!!!

Finally!!! I got to see it. For the first time!

The ever elusive positive Home Pregnancy Test! It's very faint. But as far as HPT's go, a line is a line! Very exciting for me. I'm really hoping this means my hcg is still increasing. I haven't taken an HPT since before my first beta. I had one left, and decided I really wanted to see if it would show positive yet. Here it is.

The picture is blurry, it's probably gross when you think about it, and not too pretty for most to look at, but it's a beautiful sight to this mom's eyes! Did you just read that?? I called myself a mom! :)

The cat is out of the bag...

Our initial plan was to wait until we could see something on an ultrasound (which will hopefully be in another couple of weeks) before telling our families. After more consideration we decided to tell our families sooner rather than later. Last night we told my family. I have my mom a "Classic Pooh" brag book. On the first page, I used stickers to spell out "See You in November." My mom had to read it several times before she fully understood. She dropped to her knees to thank the Lord. Her poor knees were hurting for awhile. She and sister had tears in their eyes. My dad seemed pretty excited too. My sister tried to explain to her 3 year old that Auntie Nik was going to have a baby. She wanted to know where the baby was, so I pointed to my tummy. She looked at my sister and said "I've gotta go check this out!"

Today we gave another brag book to Mark's mom. She was pretty confident something was going on with us. But thankfully she was very respectful not to ask any questions, but to wait until we told her. I really do appreciate that. I knew she had seen the medications and needles in the kitchen while we were in the treatment cycle, so she knew we were working on it again. Plus the fact that she came over to our house for lunch one day when I was sick in bed. She seemed very excied. She said it was perfect timing. Her other grandkids aren't babies anymore and she was ready for a new baby.

We decided that no matter how long we have this baby, it needs to be celebrated. This also gives more people a chance to be praying. Outside of family and very close friends, I still want to keep things fairly quiet. It is fun to know they are all excited!

And the wait goes on....

I had my repeate beta today. The level went from 9 to 15. It should have AT LEAST doubled in that amount of time. So in the words of the nurse, "We are proceding with cautious optimism." So I will continue to take the progesterone to help things along. I have orders for another beta on Monday. They gave me the option of the Beta Monday, or waiting a couple more weeks for a 6 week ultrasound. I took the option of the beta. I'd like information sooner rather than later.

Celebrating our baby...

While we've kept our news fairly quiet, there are a few people who know. I came home sick today with a horrible headache. Our doorbell rang, and I opened the door to see that our wonderful friends Pete and Jen from northern Idaho sent us these beautiful flowers. While things are still very uncertain, they wanted to celebrate our baby with us.

The wait continues.

Well, after 5 negative home pregnancy tests I wasn't holding out much hope. I was very convinced that this cycle was again a bust. But I went in this morning for a blood test called an hcg beta. This measures the exact levels of the hcg in the blood, and I'm not quite ready to share with everyone yet, but at lunch today I got my results back.

I'm 15 DPO and my beta came back at 9. Not quite what I had hoped for, but at least it's not negative. They said it could be a late bloomer, or an early miscarriage, or an ectopic. To give you an idea, out of 2193 successful pregnancies (and for this chart, they defined successful pregnancy as "made it to the detection of a heartbeat") only 3 were below 10. The average level was 130-243. (679 reporting at that level, and 641 were reported at 243-456) Makes 9 sound really low doesn't it??

I'm sort of numb right now, but I'm trying to focus on these facts:

* I am a mom. No matter what happens, now and forever I am a mom. I've never been able to say that before!

* Worry will not add a single day to this child's life.

* God is the giver of life. I have a great clinic, they are full of knowledge but they can only do so much. God is soverign. Whether this child was meant to live in me for a few weeks, or 9 months is not mine to determine. No matter what, God is still God.


So the wait continues. I repeat my bloodwork on Thursday. By Thursday,we are hoping that the 9 has doubled to at least 18. 18 is still very low, but it means the pregnancy is progressing.

"I think she wants to buy our sister"

Tonight we went to Costco to pick up a few things: Pepsi, water, home pregnancy tests, and ice cream bars. I was in line to pay, and Mark went to the food court to get himself a little snack. I was admiring the two children in the shopping cart in front of me. There was a little boy, about 4, who was playing with his little sister sitting in a car seat next to him. She was probably 9 months old or so. He was kissing her, and giving her raspberries, and making her laugh. It was jut a cute site, and I was watching them and smiling as I waited for my turn to make my purchases. The little boy got embarassed all of a sudden and said "Mom, I think she wants to buy our sister."

The mom just laughed and went along with it, and said "Really? Do you think we should let her?" He was very insistant on NO! So he then started hiding his sister from me. As they were leaving, I told him he'd better take care of that sister.

The ladies at costco that were taking care of that isle, thought it was cute that he liked his siter, but they hadn't heard the conversation. So I explained to them. They thought it was cute, and then the lady picked up the HPT's from my cart and said, So these are happy! Maybe he knows something.

It just made me smile. It still stung a little, but it made me smile!

Better today

After last nights emotional meltdown, I think I'm doing a little better now. I'm tempted to use another pregnancy test, but that is such a waste. It's far too early. Mark was telling me tonight how this time he really hopes I am pregnant, and not just so he doesn't have to deal with the emotional aftermath. I know he is scared of the results either way. But I think a part of him really is looking forward to being a parent. That warms my heart, and scares me.

Well, one more week!

Can I just say it??

Pardon me if this is offensive, but can I just say it? Waiting SUCKS! It's been a long time since I've been in this place. The hormones, the emotions, the hot flashes. I hate it. I'm really struggling with hope. I'm surrounded by a world of moms and babies. When is my turn? I'm so tired of the fight, I'm tired of the struggle.

I have a temperature tonight. 99.0 Normal for me is 96.8-97.4 I don't know if it's a fever, or hormones. I'm feeling so sad tonight. I'm overcome with my emotions. I'm crying for no apparent reason.

I hate waiting!

On a side note. I took a pregnancy test earlier today. It's far too early to tell if I'm pregnant, but I wanted to know if the hcg shot from a week ago Friday was out of my system, and it is! So if I get my miracle this time, and I see a positive pregnancy test, I won't wonder if it's still from the shot.

Back to waiting.

Life on hold

I have so many what-if's in my mind. I have been planning a trip to a retreat in late April. I've had the vacation time requested since September. I'm waiting on our tax refund to be able to purchase my plane ticket, but now that is on hold in my mind. If I'm pregnant there are so many other places to put that money! Mark now says that if I am indeed pregnant, he would prefer that I not fly across the country on my own. I have to agree with him. I want to start decorating the spare rooms. But I don't know how. I already started a nursery once, and had to dismantle it. I couldn't handle an empty nursery with no idea when it could be filled.

We went to Mark's parents house today. I had every intention of helping my mother in law with painting and wall papering. I didn't want to lift anything heavy, so I let Mark know that ahead of time. When we got there and got our tools unloaded, Mark left with his dad for awhile. While he was gone, I started almost panicing. I didn't think the paint would bother me. It never does. All I could think of when I got near the paint was "What if I'm hurting a baby inside me??" I've wanted a baby for so long, I would never do anything to hurt it. So I had to find a way to leave WAY earlier than planned without letting my mother in law know what was up. I know she saw the medications at our house when I was doing the injections. I just don't want to talk with family about this stuff yet.

Oh... life is on hold.

The wait is starting to get hard. The first week seemed filled with fantasy. Lots of daydreams, and window shopping. I have planned out how I want to tell Mark and how I would like to tell our families. Now fear is setting in. It's almost overwhelming at times. I want so badly for this to work.

Still waiting

I haven't updated much this week, because there really isn't much to update. It's really too early for feeling symptoms, but the mind is a powerful thing. I've felt all kinds of symptoms. I've felt them before though, and never been pregnant, so symptoms don't mean a whole lot. It could very well be the progesterone supplements I'm on right now causing symptoms. I'm 4 days past ovulation, or 4 DPO. It really is too early. If there is a baby or more inside me right now, it's most likely free-floating. Implantation typically wouldn't happen for a few more days. I'll probably take a home pregnancy test sometime in the next few days. It's too early for an accurate test, but I'm most curious to see if the shot I gave myself last Friday is out of my system. If I remember right it takes 7-12 days for that to pass. So a negative pregnancy test would say that I'm clear to start testing for real. I could just wait for for my blood test. But I'm not sure that I really can.

A couple of pictures to pass the time

An online group I belong to has introduced me to the tradition of silly socks. Whenever their feet are in the stirrups, they wear silly socks. If you can't wear anything else of your choosing, you might as well have your choice on one thing. For my IUI I chose hearts. They have a kitty and say LOVE.

Here is another view of the same socks, as I kick up my feet for the ride home.

And here is my sweet husband and dog, passing the time at home. Well, Mark is actually sleeping. But that's part of passing the time isn't it??

And now we wait!

I'm now home and kicked back in my recliner. I just noticed a little spotting. I can't remember if I had that after my last IUI, but that after doing a little reading, I think it is to be expected.

We left early this morning and went to the clinic to "collect" the sample for insemination. After the collection, we left for an hour picked up something for Mark to eat. I felt too yucky to eat much more than some crackers. Then we went back to the clinic. I was amazed at how busy it was for a Sunday. After a few minutes we were taken back to an exam room. The NP told me to undress from the waist down, and I sat on the table with the lovely oversized papertowel covering my lap. Mark walked behind me to sit down in a chair, and he started giggling. He was looking at my exposed bum, and said "Did you know that was back there?"

"Yes dear, I knew my bum was there, it's been back there for 29 years now!"They seemed to leave me on the table FOREVER before they came in to do the IUI. She finally came in and told us the counts were great! I didn't tell her that we didn't follow directions, and we "been together" a day and a half ago. I didn't write down all of the numbers, but pre-wash was something like 174 mil, 72% motility, and post-wash was 41 mil with 94% motility. DH was proud. She gave us instructions on how to time intercourse for now. Nothing like being having your "lovelife" instructed by an outside party!

I start taking progesterone tomorrow once per day, in the evening. The purpose of this is to sustain the lining of the uterus and make a nice cozy place for little one(s) to snuggle into until they can test and make sure my body is releasing enough to sustain it. Some women continue this well into pregnancy. And now, we wait.

Woooohooo! Last shot done

Yep, that's in. I just took a shot called hCG. That hormone is very similar to LH, the hormone the body naturally releases to signal the follicle to rupture and release the egg. hCG is also the same hormone that is released during pregnancy. It's exactly what a home pregnancy test is testing for. Soooooo, if I took a pregnancy test tomorrow it would be positive. It would be a false positive, but a positive. :) I've talked a lot this week about follicles. So here is the progression of a follicle in the ovary. Just so you have a little picture to go from.

On Sunday morning at 10:15 am, we will be at our clinic in Boise for a procedure called IUI. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. An IUI is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

The whole process doesn't take very long — it usually only requires the insertion of a speculum and then the catheter, a process that maybe takes a couple of minutes (60-90 seconds to introduce the catheter, then sperm injection, and another 60 seconds or so to remove the catheter. Most doctors have their patients lay down on the table for 15-30 minutes after the procedure.

Here we go!

I'm excited. Yet scared to be excited? How does that work? I had another follicle check ultrasound today. It was an early morning: 4:45 AM wakeup, 5:45 AM leave the house, and drive drive drive. My appointment was 8:15 AM, and I was a little early.

Ultrasound was BEAUTIFUL!! At least in my mind it was. I had one 17mm follicle on one side, and one 16.5 mm follicle on the other side. There should have been one more large one. I'm not sure where it went. But the rest are still small enough to not be of concern. I would have felt better about 2 good follicles on the right side, but I'll take what I can get. :)

So as of today my instructions were, OPK today and tomorrow. If I get a positive, call the clinic and reschedule IUI for the next day. If I don't have a positive OPK by tomorrow, then tomorrow night I will have Mark give me an hCG shot in the bum, and we will have the IUI Sunday morning! SUNDAY MORNING!!! It's already scheduled! How cool is that?

Thank you to those who have been praying. I know your prayers were heard!

Nothing more to do now, but wait. Wait and Pray!

What a mess!

Here's some background to the mess. Our insurance covers nothing for the treatment of infertility. Most policies don't. I never knew! So in order to save a buck wherever possible, our clinic is helping us get the medications from a phamacy out of state. It's a slight inconvenience, but well worth the savings.

So on Monday when I went to the doctor, they told me I'd need to get more medication than originally prescribed. So I called the pharmacy, paid for it over the phone, and he said he'd get it in the mail priority and I should have it the next day (yesterday). That was just perfect. Well... it WOULD have been perfect. Accept it didn't arrive with yesterday's mail. So I was in a bit of a panic. I was supposed to give myself the shot at 9:00 am this morning. I tried to call the dr's office, but couldnt get through to anyone. Apparently they were very busy! So I gave up, and scheduled a late lunch, so I could hopefully be home when the mail was delivered. I also called around and found another pharmacy in town that had what I needed in stock. Lots more than I wanted to pay, but it was a plan B.

In the end, the mailman came just as I was leaving to head back to work. So I grabbed the package and rushed back to work, and straight into the bathroom to give myself the shot. 4 hours later than I should have! OYE! OK, so not a mess, but still stressful for me!

In other news, Ovulation Prediction Kit (OPK) #1 was yesterday. It was negative, I'm not surprised. OPK #2 today was also negative. Once again, no surprise. I won't be surprised if I don't see one at all. But that's ok, my body has failed me on so many fronts, I have medication standing by to do the job! :) And I do mean I have the medication standing by, it's in a box on my kitchen counter, ready and waiting!

I have another follicle exam tomorrow, to check for mature follicles and the number of follicles. Please pray for the perfect number of follicles!

Lots of info from todays appointment

Today is the 9th day of my cycle (also known ad CD9) and I had a doctor's appointment, and there is lots of information from that appointment.

First thing, my cycle day 3 (CD3) bloodwork showed elevated follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). I was thinking that would be a good thing, but apparently it is not. It was 8.5, and they would like to see between 4-6. This can indicate poor ovarian reserve. If you want more information on this test and results, you can go here: http://www.advancedfertility.com/day3fsh.htm to learn more.

Second, the follicles. On the right I had 1- 10mm, 4- 8mm's and 2- 7mm's. On the left I had 1- 11mm and 1-10mm. They prefer to see 2- 18mm's before giving me a shot to trigger the release of the eggs. The lining of my uterus was between 4-5, and they want to see 8, but that number isn't of much concern yet because as the follicles mature, estrogen is released that helps develop the lining, that hopefully a baby or two will snuggle into.

Last month I had a dye test done to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear. We can make all the eggs in the world, but it won't do me much good if the tubes are blocked. That test is called an HSG and it showed a blocked left tube. So I was very thrown when the nurse said what we are hoping to see is is the 10mm & 11mm on the left, and the 10mm on the right mature. I reminded her that my left tube was blocked. She said there is a 10% chance that an egg released by one ovary can be picked up by the other tube. I had never heard that. So for now, the plan is to continue injections Tuesday & Wednesday and have another follicle check ultrasound Thursday morning. They said normal follicle growth is 2mm per day, so we should hopefully have something close by Thursday. I'm just praying those smaller follicles stay put and don't grow. I don't want too many.

The other thing they talked to me about was another not really infertility related test I had done. My 1st mom died when I was 3 (and she was 25) of ovarian cancer. So with my initial consult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), I was concerned about the ovulation inducing drugs, and further increasing my already increased risk for ovarian cancer. So the RE said why not find out if I carry the gene mutation for the elevated risk of ovarian cancer. So I had the blood work done the end of December when I had the HSG. There were a lot of questions about which blood test I was to have done etc. Anyway, I called the next week and got the results. The test showed negative for the particular gene marker they were testing for. So today, the nurse tells me the hospital lab did the wrong test!! (Gotta love the local hospital, they are known as "Tragic Valley" Regional Medical Center, instead of "Magic Valley") So, you might think, just get the right test done. IT'S $3000!!!! and most often not covered by insurance, so they want cash in hand or a written preauth for them to ORDER THE KIT to do it! The nurse didn't find this out from MY hospital though, she had to call around somewhere else! SHEESH! So I'm not sure what cancer marker I'm negative for, but at least I'm negative for something.

Other than that, I'm feeling more side effects today. My emotions are very close to the surface. I teared up at work a bit this afteroon when the boss asked to speak to me about something. I've had terrible headaches, and a few more hot-flashes. Other than that, all is well :)

So, prayer request, please pray for the perfect number of follicles to mature at the perfect time, and the other follicles not to grow anymore!

Appointment tomorrow

I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound follicle exam. They will use a vaginal ultrasound to look at my ovaries and see if there are any follicles beginning to develop. I'm praying for something on the right side, because my left tube is blocked.

Out of the 5 cycles of clomid we did in 2005, I ovulated 4 times. Of the 4 times I ovulated, 3 of them were on the left side. Now that I know that tube is blocked, that could be some of the answers we have been looking for, so we're aiming for follies on the right!

I feel bad for all of the work I will be missing to go to the doctor. I know it causes great inconvenience for everyone else. I wish there was a different answer for me, but I just don't see another way right now. Mark and I went to my office this evening. Mark did some reading and kept me company while I posted payments made by people in the overnight drop box. This will hopefully ease the burden a bit in the morning, and my goal is to be back at work before noon. I wish the doctor was closer, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Other than that, I have a raging headache. I think I'm going to get ready for bed. I have an early morning tomorrow. I'm planning on getting on the road at about 6:30. And yes, for me that REALLY IS early!

All the worry for THAT!

As you may have noticed, I've been a little fearful of the injections with my current treatment protocol. This morning I woke at 6 am. For those who don't know me well this is SOOOOO far from ordinary for me. I don't wake that early on workdays when I have to leave for work at 7:40 am. I get up more like.... 6:45-7:00, and I don't know if "get up" is even the right term for it, probably more like "drag myself out of bed." Weekends... weekends are for sleeping in! I usually aim more for 9-10 am on the weekends. But this morning was different. I knew I had to give myself the first of the injections. I get nervous now just thinking about it.

Wanna see what all the worry was about?? (Excuse the freshly showered, no makeup messy haired me!) I felt so silly. I looked at it. Got it ready. Read my instructions. Picked it up again. Called for Mark to come in to the kitchen. Set it down again. Mark came to the kitchen and asked if he really had to watch. I didn't make him. He did stand behind me, and I asked him to count to 3, and when he counted to 3, I jabbed it in, and DIDN'T FEEL A THING!! Oh I felt silly. But I think Mark will have to count again tomorrow. I know I know, I'm silly!

Here it is a little closer since ya can't really see the needle (it's that tiny). I tried to label the picture, but now I can't read it. It says 1/2 inch needle.

As for the rest of the day. Mark went for a drive with his dad and brother to look at tractors, and I did some shopping. I was a glutton for punishment and ended up in the baby sections of various stores. It started as excited anticipation, then it quickly became too much for me. Some days it doesn't pay to be alone with my thoughts. I called my mom and invited myself over. We ended up doing some shopping at Walmart, then had lunch at Pizza hut.

While we were at pizza hut, she told me about a possible adoption opportunity one of her clients told her about. It's very much a long shot. I've talked to Mark about it. It's definitely something we're open to, but certainly not something I'm going to get my hopes up for at this point in time. So for now we will pray for this baby, and for God's will in the situation. He will have to orchestrate it start to finish.

After lunch I helped Mom with a little cleaning and then she cut my hair. Then I came home to spend the evening with my husband. I tried to go to bed, and decided I had a bit to blog about tonight, so I got back up and here I am. Although it is late, and really time to be getting ready for bed. Especially if I'm going to wake myself up at 6:00 am tomorrow again! :)

Oh! And only 2 hot flashes today. Have I mentioned how much I love clomid?

Clomid Crazies again, and other random thoughts

I haven't posted as much this week as I did last. It's been a bit of a busy week. VERY busy at work, and then Wednesday night we had a birthday party for my sister in law Roxey, my niece Elyssa, and myself. Then Thursday night I had birthday dinner with Mark. Tonight I'm just plain pooped!

Today was my last dose of clomid. I've done quite well all week as far as side effects go. Tonight I'm feeling it a bit though. I'm having a hot flash as I type. And I've been "on edge" since I got home. Mark seems a bit afraid of me right now.

On a very frightening note, I start injections tomorrow! I'll let ya know how THAT goes! At least it's a little needle. I called the doctors office today and left a message for a nurse to walk me through everything. They called me while I was at work, so I slipped away to another phone away from my desk, and she talked me through things. "Below your belly button, above your pubic bone, take a pinch of that roll we all have, and poke the needle in at a 90 degree angle, then slowly inject the medication." EEEEEEWWWWW! I hate needles. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I know I need to, so here goes!!