Busy, Busy, Busy!

We've had a busy weekend, and when I stop and think about the week to come, it's going to be a busy one as well!!

Our weekend started Friday after work. We headed to Mark's parents house to do some handyman work. MIL had "hired" us to do some things for them. She was doing quite a bit of work around the house, and there were several other paid workers there. So I didn't feel bad that we were being paid to do stuff there too. We got home at about 11:30 that night after changing out several light fixtures and starting to change out hinges in the kitchen. Saturday morning started earlier than I planned, and we headed out for another full day of work at their house. We changed more hinges, removed three bathroom mirrors. Sadly the only way to remove the mirrors was to destroy them. Good thing we're not superstitious! We headed home on Saturday evening to plans of spending the rest of the long weekend at home relaxing.

Sunday morning after church Mark's dad called to say their back steps had broken. He wanted to patch them with some plywood, but my father's personality in me would not allow that. So we took some lumber out to repair them. In the end we completely rebuilt them. So that took the entire afternoon (including another trip to town for Mark to get more lumber). I was seriously sore when we got home Sunday evening, with further promises not to do anymore work for the weekend.

This morning I slept in a bit. It was quite nice. I woke to Mark bringing me a donut and orange juice. How sweet! He had turned off my phone so I wouldn't be disturbed. Later in the morning he noticed that I had a missed phone call. I listened to my voice mail and it was someone calling about a job application I submitted last week (and can I just say THANK YOU to Kayla for her help with my job apps). She was very interested in interviewing me.

So this week I have two job interviews for the two jobs I have applied for. I have an evening meeting, etc. Just a busy busy week coming up! When this week is over I will have finished my last full week at my current job. I've been there just shy of 8 years. It seems surreal. A week from today I will go to my last day of this job. It will be a short day, probably just an hour to wrap things up and turn in my key and company ID.

We are also very seriously exploring new family options. You may be able to guess what that means. I'll let you. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we explore this further! Could get exciting!

A Thank You...

I would like to take some time to post today a special thank you. Thank you to the men and women past and present who sacrifice to keep this country free. I also want to thank the families left at home to keep things together. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed. Your families are in my prayers. Thank you!

Anniversary

6 years ago today I married the love of my life. It's been quite a ride. We've had ups and downs. The downs have gone low. But through it all I've had an amazing companion. This is not what I had planned for our marriage. I'm sure it's not what Mark had planned either. But I wouldn't trade it. I love my husband. I'm so thankful for every moment I've had with him. We're preparing for a new leg of our journey. I have no idea where it will take us. But I couldn't pick a better person to be on the ride with me.

We started or celebration early this weekend. Friday after work we zipped off to Boise. We went to the Melting Pot fondue restaurant. We had a wonderful dinner. Then we went miniature golfing. Not something we usually do, but fun! I thought for sure I beat him. Turns out we tied. How appropriate. Mark thought so too. He said it's exactly how we compliment each other. On the holes I didn't do so well on, he did great, and when I did well, he not so much. We drove home very late. We got home at 1:30 am. Took a little while to unwind before heading to bed. I didn't sleep in nearly as late as I planned to for such a late night out. We both took a nap Saturday afternoon. Very unusual for Mark. He slept for about an hour. He woke me up after 4 hours! YIKES!! This of course made it a little difficult to get a normal night of sleep Saturday night. I overslept on Sunday. We spent the day together. All in all a wonderful weekend!

Mark, thank you for a wonderful weekend, but even more than that, a wonderful 6 years! I can't wait to see what the future has for us. I love you!

Proud Friend...

I've had an online friend for several years. We both belong to an infertility forum. I have many friends from this forum. You may wonder how well you can know someone online only. But I have to say I think pretty well. You all have a window into my life that many others don't. But I digress... Back to the current topic at hand. I had the pleasure of meeting this friend Annie at a retreat earlier this month. She's one that has turned coupon into a verb. She's amazing. I dream of being like her. Girl knows how to save money. It's AMAZING!! She was recently featured on her local news. I'd love to share her with you.

Blogging absensce

I've been absent from the blogging world. If I still have any readers that aren't in my day to day life, last you knew we were awaiting the results of our Frozen Embryo Transfer. It was negative. It was heart breaking. It has been very difficult to grasp. We have exhausted ourselves with medical treatments. I can't say that we are done on that road forever. But I can say we are done for now. This is hard to grasp. It's hard to be "done." Working towards something been a way for me to cope with infertility. I have a hard time sitting still. But I have to accept that 10 human babies have gone from my body into eternity. At some point we have to say enough. When going to an amusement park, there's only so long one can stay on the roller coaster before it's too much.

Today is Mother's Day. I can hardly take Mother's Day anymore. My arms are empty. Empty arms are difficult to live with. It's easy for me to focus on that. The fact is, there are many people that have a hard time with Mother's Day, and it has nothing to do with infertility. Mother's Day is salt in the wounds for someone who has lost their mom. Moms who's children are no longer living, Moms who are estranged from their children, the unmarried woman who hasn't had a chance at having a child-- Mother's Day is hard for all of these people.

Today I join the many across the country who regularly attend church, but make a conscious decision NOT to go today. It's just too painful. Sure I could go and "overcome." But why? What does that prove. So I sit in church and cry my way through, or end up listening from the bathroom so I can hide my tears. Our church has a "Hearth Room" that is very cozy. It has a fireplace, couches and comfy furniture, with a tv to watch the service on. It's also where families with small children hang out to avoid disrupting the service. Somehow I would have a difficult time finding comfort there today. If I managed to sit in the service there's the awkward moment that will be repeated in churches all over the country. The honoring of the moms. "Stand up if you're a mom" Do I sit or do I stand? I AM a mom. In a pro-life church that should be very evident. But it's most often forgotten. So if I stand, and they tell different groups of moms to sit, as they seek out the mom of the oldest child and the mom of the youngest child. Where do I fit in there? The fact is, there is no comfortable place for me to fit. Nearly everyone in my daily life will not understand my decision to stay home today. I guess they don't need to.

I feel guilty that I haven't honored my mom the way I should today. I purchased a gift for my mom and mother in law earlier this week, and we delivered it then. Mark is on call this weekend, so that alone is reason to stay close to home. But I really just wanted to stay home and hide out for Mother's Day. Mark wants to take me out to lunch. But I don't want to go sit in a restaurant filled with Happy families and their children. I'll choose somewhere that does takeout, and we can eat at home, or in a park. In the end, I will be ready for Monday to come this week.

Strangely, I was remembered this Mother's Day not only by just my dear sweet husband, but also by a co-worker that I don't get along with particularly well. She gave me a card on the way out the door on Friday. Very surprising. I guess it's not fair to say that those are the only two that remembered. But those are the only two that made it evident. I think it's hard for other people to know what to say. Anything they say might (and probably would) illicit an emotional reaction. And that is uncomfortable.

Today especially, it's hard not to think about what "would have been." Our little Gabe would have been a year and a half old. I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our precious little Bella. Perfect image of a little family. I really miss our babies today.

Next week Mark and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. That's a long time to be working on a baby and still be childless. I know there are many women out there who have had empty arms longer than that. There are women who have had empty arms for less. But pain is pain. It does not one any good to compare.