Lady goes to Daycare

A bit of background: A couple of years ago when we went to Disneyland we made arrangements to board Lady at very nice facility. They aren't in cages the whole time. As long as the dogs can get along with each other, then can be out and about throughout the large dog area of the facility. They can go inside or to the fenced in area outside at will during "free time." I didn't see it, but the brochure even says they have cable tv. I would guess they are watching Animal Planet. I know Lady like to watch animals on TV. Lady is very important to us. We are probably more protective of her than your average pet owner. She's really a part of our family. A couple of weeks before our vacation we made an appointment to take her in for an exam at the vet, and her to update her vaccinations, mainly her kennel cough vaccine. Wouldn't you know it, one week later.... she has kennel cough! She picked it up while she was at the vet. Because of this we could no longer board her at the facility we wanted to, but the vet said we could board her with them. So I was feeling a little sad when I dropped her off, so I asked to see where she was going to be, to put my mind at ease. BIG MISTAKE! It was terrible. It was loud, and dingy. Just an ugly, sad place. I wanted to take her and run. I was bawling. I made some phone calls, but we just didn't have any other valid options.

Most of the time, when we travel it's not far, and we can take Lady with us. We've only had to leave her a few times since that Disney Trip, and we've either been able to leave her with friends or family. This time, for our vacation, it has worked out that no one can keep her for us. We've weighed out our options and decided to try the boarding facility we wanted to take her to the first time. I feel so anxious about it though. So this week I went to take a peek at the facility again. It's really very nice. This facility also offers daycare. So I signed her up for a day so we could see how she did. Ignore the pathetic look on her face in the above picture. We didn't really make her wear a backpack to daycare. That was taken after the fact for fun. She just didn't see the fun in it. She did know something was up that morning. She usually goes to her crate when she sees me brushing my teeth. It's usually the last thing I do before leaving the house. She did go to her crate, and then bolted back out and started spinning around in the living room. She usually does this before she goes for a ride in the car. She LOVES to go for rides in the car. She did have a great day at daycare. I still feel a bit anxious about leaving her for 5 days, but I think she will do wonderful.

One of the things it said in the brochure for the doggy daycare is that happy dogs play hard and sleep harder. That she did. She was worn out when she got home that night. We will probably do daycare one more time before our trip. Lady learns very quickly, and we want to make sure she learns that we will come back for her.

Digital Scrapbooking

I've mentioned digital scrapbooking in several posts since my birthday. I've looked into it before. The idea intrigued me. Over the last few years, I have bought a couple of cheapo programs, but they didn't allow for much creativity. Just dropping pictures in their templates. Last fall I tried out a free program from Creative Memories. The catch with the free version is that you have to purchase the scrapbook in a hard bound book format directly from Creative Memories. While I'd like to do this for some projects. I know I didn't want to for all. The other thing with the free version was you couldn't manipulate, add or delete elements on the page. Like the cheapo programs, it was just a matter of dropping in pictures, and adding text. Where they differ is in offering a full function version for sale. I thought about it for months, and decided that's what I wanted for my birthday. That's what Mark got me. What a wonderful investment it's been. I don't have to order a whole book. I can print individual pages at home. I've ordered quite a few pages from Costco. They turned out beautifully. I've done so many pages with this program, and I LOVE IT! I can change anything within the layout. I've had a great time with it. I even have possibility of some very large projects for other people in the works.

Here is a project I've been working on. It still needs a lot of work. These pages all have a very similar look. I started them with the intent of using them for a profile when we were looking into adopting. I did the bulk of the work on them in the free version of the creative memories program, so I haven't done all of the extra manipulating and changing on the pages. In addition to that, I don't have the journaling done on most of them, but you get the idea!

I've been a bad blogger

I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger lately. I can't believe its been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I just haven't had much to say. We still don't have any definite plans on TTC. We remain on hold. With this time, I've just been working on my digital scrapbooking, projects around the house, as well as vacation planning. We're getting very excited for our vacation. Only 2 and a half weeks to go! Mark started out "along for the ride" on the vacation plans, but once I got the plans rolling he started to get excited about it as well.

Visit to the eye doctor

My eye doctor about our IF. Every year when I list the medications I'm on, it comes up. Last year both Mark and I had back to back eye doctor appointments the day after our positive beta. In fact, if Mark hadn't been with me when I got positive beta call, my plan was for him to find out on the vision chart at the eye doctor. Anyway, one of the questions was "are you pregnant or nursing." He was very excited for us when he saw I marked yes. So he noted my chart.

I've been dreading our appointments this year. Absolutely dreading it... I KNEW it would come up again. The eye doctors we go to are father and son. We usually see the son. I've only seen the father once. We had the father today. So I thought, maybe, just maybe it wouldn't come up. I got through most of the appointment, and finally it happened. He asked if we had a little boy, or little girl. I told him that we lost the baby. This was the part I was dreading. With this week's anniversaries, I was afraid the waterworks would be turned on. I was so afraid of this, that I almost called ahead of time to tell them that I miscarried, and not to ask. That way I could take care of my emotions in private. In the end, I decided not to. I choked back a few tears. But it turned out ok. He was very sympathetic. He said that has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. He said that his son (the one we usually see) and his wife lost their first baby, and he knew how it effected them.

The crazy thing about this is I've been dreading it (I know, I've mentioned that a couple of time already) and it's over. But I still feel panic when I think about it. What's up with that? There's nothing to be worried about now. Anyway, there's a peak into my messed up mind!

One year

I don't have any way of knowing exactly when our precious baby passed from this life into heaven, but today marks one year from the point that we knew he was gone. There's no point in getting into the yucky details, but I had already been spotting, but on this particular day had a bit more physical evidence that it was the beginning of the end. This was followed by a trip to the RE's office for an ultrasound that confirmed it. I'm doing far better than I thought I would. That's not to say I don't feel anything. My heart is broken. My baby is gone. I miss him. He should be a growing 4 month old baby in my arms. Instead he is a memory.

I never got to know you little Gabe, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss you.

OUCH!

I'm sitting in my recliner right now. Nearly every move I make hurts. I ache. I've been working on making some changes in my life. One of those is exercise. For the last week, Mark and I have been exercising every day. Yesterday I kicked things up a notch. I'm really feeling it today. In addition to the traditional exercise, my friend (former roommate) came over to do her taxes, and once we were done, we talked about exercise, and we decided to play some Wii Sports. I think that may be what I'm paying for now. Who knew a video game could make one's body ache?!?!

I'm doing fairly well with all of the anniversary dates this month. I'm sure that this week there will be more tears. This week is THE anniversary date of our pregnancy loss. I don't know what date for sure our precious Gabe passed from this world into heaven, but I do know the date that it was sure in my mind. I'm really hoping that the exercise me to not get too down.

On that happy note, I went to the doctor Friday. It was just an annual exam with my family doctor. I just can't seem to go too many months without putting my feet up in some stirrups. I love my family doctor. He and his nurse are both sooooo kind and caring. It seems that going to see them always brings my emotions to the surface. I bawled through a good portion of the appointment as I often do. He agreed that the exercise is a good thing and very important. When he heard that our FET was not successful, he said "Darn.... Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn!" I know he meant it. While they aren't a part of our treatment protocol, they are still really pulling for us. His Nurse, Laurie, said that she thinks of me every time she talks to her nephew and his wife, as they are in a similar situation. She told me that she really respects me and my strength. I told her I didn't feel very strong (as I said this through tears). She asked if it would be ok if she hugged me. How many nurses would actually do that? I just love them. As I left the office, I looked down at the form to check out. He marked depression. Do you think it was because I cried the whole time? Should I not have done that? Seriously though, I've wondered. Depression isn't something one wants to admit or talk about. But it's there. It's the elephant in the corner. I'm happy that Dr I didn't suggest medication. He's not a doctor that you leave with a prescription each time. However, he does prescribe when necessary. But he never even brought up the word depression during the appointment. I think at this point, he wants to me to go for the exercise. I heard of a recent study that showed a placebo is just as effective as medication for mild-moderate depression. Lifestyle changes have proved to be even more effective. That's what I'm going for. That's not the only reason for the exercise program. It's just a bonus. It's definitely incentive to stick with it.

Currently our treatment plans are on hold. I do hope to do one more FET, but it will be awhile before we are ready for this as a couple. Infertility can really take a toll on a person, and a marriage. It's important that we be in agreement. It's also important to follow God's guidance, and I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not feeling anything. So we wait.

While we wait, I decided to borrow from our treatment fund, cause.... we're going on vacation. I had a whisper in my ear. It was that still, small voice that said "Do you really want to chase after the life you want, while the life you have passes you by?" I don't know if we will ever be able to treatment again. It's not up to us. So why not borrow some of it to enjoy some time with my husband, and have an early 5th anniversary celebration! (We aren't able to go away in May for our actual anniversary because of Mark's job.) So next month we are going to San Diego. We will meet a dear friend from Hannah's Prayer, and go to Sea World and a few other places. It started out as something just I wanted to do, but now Mark is just as excited as I am!