Today's adventure

I took a friends advice and went to see a counselor through my company's EAP, and can I just say... God is good! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, but glad I went. She asked why I was there, and I gave her my story. I didn't say anything about my faith at all. The only hint she may have had from my words to that end was saying something about waiting for a miracle. She told me, "There's a reason you're here today. There's a reason I had an opening so soon when you called. I really feel like that was the Lord. I'm a Christian."

That was such a load off my mind! I really wanted a christian counselor, but since I had 5 sessions through my company's program, I decided to try it out that way first. This was the first counselor on their list, and so I accepted the referral.I really feel like a bit of the load has been lifted. She even teared up a few times in the session. She ended the session hugging me and telling me I had one more person praying for me.

Recovery

I'm happy to report my physical recovery has gone beautifully. If you'd like to know the details of the D&C procedure, and my experience, I'd be happy to share. If I can not use my experiences to help someone else, then it truly is all in vain. I spent a couple of days taking it easy after the D&C, and took the prescribed pain killers. I was back to work on Friday. I'm all but done bleeding. Truthfully, I had only a small amount of spotting for the days following the procedure. I got through today with very little discomfort, and no medication at all.

On the emotional front I think the D&C helped as well. It gave a measure of immediate closure. It didn't solve everything. I'm not "better." I don't know what "better" is. As with our last loss, I expect to eventually find a new type of normal. Little Bella Hope forever changed the shape of my heart, just as Gabe did. I am still having daily emotional melt downs. I know they will eventually spread out a bit. Yesterday it was caused by nausea. I was sitting in my recliner and felt nauseous. I had very little morning sickness in my pregnancy. I was very fortunate, but I was also thankful when I felt nausea. It was a reminder to me that I had a miracle growing inside me. Yesterday it made me mad. I was no longer thankful, because it was a reminder that our miracle was gone. Today I cried in church. Praise and worship time in church seems to be a time of heightened emotions for me. Today was no different.

I want a baby. That desire has not left. But I'm terrified to try again. I know I am in the thick of grief, but I don't know if I can do this another time. I don't think I will rest easy in a pregnancy ever again. Time will tell.

A Name

With the D&C, we didn't opt for genetic testing. I had hoped they would be able to test the remains only to find out the gender. They couldn't do this without full chromosome analysis. I really felt that was unnecessary, and would probably reveal more questions than answers. So we will have no medical confirmation of gender.

I told Mark early on that I thought this baby was a girl. This is all we have to work with, so that's what we're going with . I don't want to forever refer to the baby as "it" or "him/her." So we needed a name. She was a person. I know not everyone names their lost children. This is just one thing I need for my healing.

When I thought about a name, I immediately thought of "beautiful." We needed something that means beautiful. That last ultrasound picture was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. The name we settled on is Bella Hope.

Little Bella,
You were beautiful and perfect in every way. With you we felt a hope that we haven't had for a long time, and we only pray we can have again someday. Please hug and kiss Grandma Lucy, Gabe, and all of your other brothers and sisters. You have forever changed the shape of our hearts. We love you and miss you like crazy.