Home again

We arrived home several hours ago, but I had to sleep off some pain meds. I didn't talk to the doctor after the procedure, but Mark did. Everything went well.

We got to the hospital, signed the paperwork, had some blood drawn, the nurse drawing my blood said some stupid things without knowing why I was there. I ended up crying. Then it was off to Pre-Op. They knew why I was there, so they were much more sensitive. They took my vitals, and did more paperwork, and then I got all dressed up in my gown, and my IV inserted. I got to lay covered in piles of warmed blankets for awhile before they wheeled me into the operating room. There, they opened my gown and the tear away sleeves, stuck sensors around my body, the anesthesia provider was up by my head and said something that I don't even remember, and poof! I woke up in recovery. So far, my hand hurts the most where the IV was, so I'm going to count myself lucky! The highlight of my day was probably hearing the lullaby played over the hospital PA system announcing a birth, as I was wheeled out to the car. Oh the irony!

Physically, I think I'm doing very well. Emotionally I'm holding up pretty good right now as well. That isn't to say there are no struggles. I have tears, but not as bad as I have in recent days. I'm so far very glad I opted for the D&C over a natural miscarriage. I think this will allow me to get on with the healing, both physically and emotionally. I'm off work for the next 2 days. I will return to work on Friday.

A special thank you to those who have been praying for us during this season. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you for bearing our burdens along with us. My most recent dose of pain meds is kicking in, so I should stop writing before I embarrass myself, if I haven't already!

Today's apointment

Our appointment today went as well as can be expected. We started in a waiting room full of about 20 huge pregnant bellies. I had a hard time with this. Once Mark arrived, I hid in the corner behind something and cried. We waited about 20 minutes there. Then we went to the exam room. The ultrasound tech was the same one we had for the previous ultrasound. There was no change in the baby. Same exact size and no heartbeat, but looked perfect. She said she would go get the doctor. I asked if I should get dressed or not. She said she thought so, but wasn't sure, so she would go check. She never came back, so I sat there half naked with my over sized paper towel over my legs. We waited there about 30 minutes.

Doctor came in and said "So, looks like you're pregnant." Neither Mark or I responded. My friend warned me of this particular doctor's strange bedside manor (But also told me she had complete confidence in him, and out of all the doctors in the practice, he would be her first choice). He commented on how perfect the baby looked, which surprised him for stopped growth nearly 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take a look, because when it comes to stuff like this he doesn't trust anyone but himself. He got a call from Labor & Delivery, but asked the nurse to take a message. It felt good that we didn't get pushed aside. He went over our options and the pro's and con's of each. We opted to go ahead with the D&C. He said he would go start the scheduling process for tomorrow. Then no one came back... for about 20 minutes. Dr had to go ahead and go to L&D, and the surgery schedule was temporarily MIA, so they would have to call me back to let me know. The rest of the details are boring (not that any of this story has been exciting). D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

Here is baby's final picture. I asked for a copy of it. Looks perfect to me. I found it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. No one said the emotions of this process made any sense. I asked if we could find out the gender without doing the full panel of genetic testing and the nurse said no. It's all or none. I'm going to ask the doctor tomorrow if I can. There's no point in doing the genetic testing as this baby is no genetic relation, but I'd really like to know the gender.

Delayed reaction

It's been over a week since we learned our baby was gone. I immediately stopped taking my progesterone and estrogen. The only way we knew the baby was gone was the ultrasound at my first OB appointment. My body gave no indication anything was wrong. In fact with she did the physical exam, everything seemed to be right on. I hadn't had any bleeding for 2 and a half weeks, nothing since several days before the ultrasound that we saw that beautiful beating heart.

I've still had all of my pregnancy symptoms. I woke this morning very early, about 3:30 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I was tired, but my mind wouldn't shut off. I got up and spent some time on my computer. I posted a message on a forum asking questions about what to expect with a D&C, because for some reason my body hasn't gotten the memo. I went back to sleep at about 7:30 am. Wouldn't you know it, someone sent the memo while I slept. I woke up and had been bleeding a bit. Probably TMI I know, but I'm too emotionally drained to really care.

I seriously doubt my body will pick up the pace enough in the next day or so to resolve this before the D&C. I don't HAVE to do the D&C, but I'm hoping the procedure will resolve things more quickly. One of my nurses warned that a natural miscarriage at this point could be quite painful, but I've heard others say that they miscarried at this same stage of development, and it was a heavy period. I know the contractions I had when I finally completed the miscarriage last time were NOTHING like menstrual cramps, and I had much less to pass that time.

I know the physical discomfort will be very temporary, whichever way this is completed. I'm just concerned about dragging the process on. I know every experience was different. But with my last experience, I started spotting at about 5 weeks, and it picked up later that week. The baby was confirmed gone at 6 weeks. I continued bleeding for another 5 weeks. I took a week off of work when we first learned the baby was gone. Thinking it would happen quickly. As it happened, I ended up having strong contractions one day at work. We were short handed, and there was no way I could leave. I just got to endure, and come home and take a pain pill and go to sleep. The following Monday my hcg level was back to zero. I don't want the long drawn out process again. This is why I'm opting for a D&C. I guess maybe it's my way of taking some control of the situation.

In the next couple of days, as I know more I'll give you an overview of the procedure itself. Christmas morning was horrible this year, but that too is a story for another day. A truly heartfelt thank you to those of you who have sent your well wishes and prayers. They mean the world.

I'm not alright...

This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you

I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.

Can I be real here? That's what it's here for, right? I have a dead human being inside me. It's a sobering thought. I no longer have a living little baby I can talk to, or read bible stories to. The soul of this precious child has passed from my body into heaven. Because of the hormone therapy I was on (and the fact that my body has never done much of anything "right"), my body doesn't know yet. So the tiredness an bouts of nausea continue. I admit I've had a very easy pregnancy, if you subtract this past Friday from the equation.

This weekend was spent as normal as possible. We finished up some Christmas shopping Friday. We did some grocery shopping Saturday. I tried to be a bit productive, and did some housework, and wrapped some Christmas gifts. Mark and I exchanged our gifts, as we don't know what the coming days have in store for us. "Normal" has been a sort of distraction. Don't get me wrong. I've grieved. I've cried buckets of tears. But at least I can give my mind a bit of a break, from the constant streaming thoughts that are all over the page, sort of like the content of this blog post.

I must also admit, due to the advise of an online friend who is no stranger to the grief of losing babies, I spent WAAAAAAAAY too many hours playing Animal Crossing on the Wii. I really didn't think I'd like it, so we rented it. Both Mark an I enjoyed it, and while I normally can't justify spending that kind of money on a video game, it will be purchased this week. Thanks Kristina.

And on that random note, with this poor grammar, I must say farewell, time to get ready for work!

Another heavenly babe...

Our baby is gone. It seems my body is not meant for life. I am a tomb. I'm emotional right now, crying at the drop of a hat, but at the same time I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I had my first OB appointment today. Went through the pap, and physical exam, pee'd in a cup, gave them all the explanations on EA, previous infertility and miscarriage experience, etc. Then they called to see if there was still an ultrasound tech. There was, she tried an abdominal u/s, but couldn't get a good enough look, so I emptied my bladder and we went for the magic wand. I could see right away there was no heartbeat. But she kept working away, so I thought maybe I was missing something. She clicked away at her machine for what seemed like 5 minutes, before I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said I'm still looking, but I haven't been able to get it yet. I had also seen some of her measurements on the screen say 9w1d, and I should be at 10w3d. So baby has probably been gone a week. She then went to get a doctor to confirm.They gave me the choices as to what to do next.

I'm going to wait till after Christmas, and hope something happens on it's own before then. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping as of yet. I will stop my meds today. I have another appointment on Dec 29 to double check and make sure I don't have a miracle (his words- he's been wrong before, he doesn't think he's wrong this time, but we can wait and see) and if it is confirmed gone at that point, they will schedule a d&c for the next day. I know I'm early enough, and the baby is small enough that I should be fine to m/c natural, but I had such a bad experience last time. I'd rather get it over with, and not drag it out another month, and labor at work like last time.

Sometimes you've just gotta dance...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ultrasound pictures

Well, as anticipated, I didn't ever get around to pulling out the scanner and hooking it up over the weekend. But I did scan them this morning at work. Here they are. Little one is upside down, so use your imagination.


Baby measured 18 mm from head to bum, and had a heart rate of 176 bpm. The last picture is the best :) You can even see the little leg sticking out in the top of the black circle. The heartbeat was an amazing thing to see.

Released!?!?

We had a wonderful appointment today with our RE. We saw the baby as soon as he stuck in the magic wand (ultrasound probe). He didn't have to point it out to me, I KNEW, and I saw the heartbeat right away. That is really what I was hoping for. Baby Bean measured 8w0d, and we are 8w3d, so a little small, but nothing to worry about. He said everything looked perfect, well attached. Heart rate was 176 b/m. He pointed out a little arm and a little leg. He gave me a weaning schedule for my meds. If I can bring myself to pull out the scanner this weekend, I'll post the u/s pictures. If not, I'll scan them Monday at work.

I'm now released from the RE, to go to a regular OB/GYN!! This is totally uncharted territory for us.

I say all of this with excitement, and at the same time my heart is heavy for the ladies I know and love with arms that long to be filled. We have been on this road for a long time, and I know ladies who have been on it longer. But duration doesn't determine the pain. Infertility hurts. Period. While this blog may be changing in it's content, the pain of infertility is still there, lingering in the background. I'm sad that I have friends who will no longer feel comfortable visiting here as often as they used to, because of the sting. I know you are happy for me, but that it hurts your heart. That's OK. I understand well. I don't even know for sure who I'm talking to, but you do, and so does God, so I will be praying.