Busy at work

This post is just silliness. Demonstrating to my coworker Ramiro how to get pictures off of his phone and to the web with the powers of Mobile blogger. It's pretty cool :)

SHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't attempt to keep my blog a secret. I don't broadcast it either. My faithful friends here in the blog world are welcomed to your front row view of our journey. For those of you who are part of the blog world AND part of our day to day real life world, you are welcomed to continue your front row view of our journey. I only ask that you allow us to tell the other people in our life about our journey as we decide to. Many things that I talk about here are necessary for me to get out and talk through, but they aren't things I'm ready to share with most of our family. At this point in our journey, the decisions we make aren't without a lot of prayer, thought and research. But there is no shortage of people who think they still know better. For that reason we are keeping the circle of people who know what's going on right now very small. We may change our minds, but at this point we have decided to hold off on telling our families until after the transfer. At that point, there will be no need for conversations trying to convince us to go another route. Call it the cowards way out if you wish. I'll call it choosing my battles. So for now, we'll just keep this our little secret. *Wink Wink* ;)

Long overdue update... and it's a long one!

I know it's been awhile. There has been a whirlwind of activity going on here. Everything has been coming together so beautifully, I fear that if I post about it, the progress will come to a stop. My prayer throughout this journey, has been that God would open the doors that need to be opened, and close the doors that need to be closed. God has really been answering that prayer. Doors have been opening for us, one right after another. This isn't answering your questions is it? It has everything to do with my previous post.

My heart has really been drawn towards embryo adoption/donor embryos for quite some time. It's just never been a real option for us for one reason or another. I started looking into it more seriously a little over a year ago. That was actually the reason for our first consultation at our RE's office. The doctor quickly squashed my hopes to pursue this route. He said that they didn't allow new patients into their donor program. We had to do treatment through this clinic in order for it to ever even become an option. Even at that, he discouraged us, saying the wait is often more than a year. At this point, it was only known that I had PCOS. We didn't know of anymore contributing factors to our infertility. We've since learned that I also have a blocked tube and elevated FSH, indicating poor ovarian reserve. There are all kinds of roadblocks in the way of us conceiving a biological child. We do know it's possible. We did conceive a child nearly 9 months ago. Biology doesn't concern me though. Being adopted, I know that biology doesn't create a family. In fact, I told Mark on our first real date, that there was a good chance, I would have trouble conceiving a child, and I needed to know if he was OK with adopting.

After our last failed treatment cycle, Mark and I had some discussions about our options. I've reviewed many of these options with you already. Mark's take on things was that we needed to wait on direction from the Lord. My view on it is that without looking at all of the doors, and maybe jiggling a few doorknobs, how are you going to know what doors are open? :) I suggested to Mark that we put our name on the waiting list for donor embryos at our clinic if they would now let us, pointing out that if we did decide this was the route to go later, it would shorten our wait. Remember the doctor told us it was most often more than a year wait for embryos to become available.

At this point, Mark is still leaning towards a traditional adoption. I must go check this doorknob! We met with an adoption agency 2 years ago, and didn't feel peace about moving forward at that time. Before traveling to Boise to meet with them again, I called the local Pregnancy Crisis Center. The director goes to our church. I was really just after information. She wanted to set up a meeting with us though. We arranged the meeting and took an afternoon off to go visit with her. Adoption is certainly not for the faint hearted. There is so much involved. How open of a relationship are you comfortable with with the biological family? The more open you are, the more likely you will be chosen. The home study process alone is quite daunting. You must ensure you have a good lawyer, or agency so that everything is done properly. You must remember not to give the birth parents gifts, or help them directly with living expenses. This can be considered "baby-buying." Even without agency fees, we were amazed at how quickly the legal and medical costs add up. The costs can be anywhere from $7,000-30,000. She overwhelmed us with information. But when we left there, Mark said, "We might as well do more treatment." I'm very thankful for this time we had with her, and the information she provided, but it just didn't feel like a fit for us at this time.

A week or two later I made a call to our clinic to get more information about their donor embryo program. Now I don't know how it is in different medical practices. But every doctors office I have, if I call with questions, I have to leave a message, and someone calls me back later. So that Friday I left a message with the donor coordinator at our clinic. I got a call back from another Nurse Practitioner, saying that the donor coordinator would be out of the office until Tuesday. She called me back on Tuesday. I asked if we were eligible to be put on the waiting list for embryos. She said she thought probably so, but she needed to check with the doctor. She told me there were currently embryos available without wait, but said her list wasn't overly impressive to most. A week later, and I still hadn't heard the verdict from the doctor. So I called the nurse back and left another message. She called me back and said he cleared us. We were ok to use donor embryos.

That week was the longest wait we've had for anything! Everything else has come together so quickly! That day she faxed me a list of currently available embryos. Since that point, it seems I'm calling the clinic every other day. I got the costs for everything, and told Mark. He said... "Wow. Not cheap. If this is where God wants us, He's going to have to provide the money." Funny thing... that night I was going to the bathroom, and an idea came to me. We discussed it, and decided together, if these doors continue to open, this is where we want to be.

We made our pick from the list of embryos available. It's important to remember, these are human beings. We chose a group of 7 embryos, from one family. The genetic mom is 5'1" with brown hair and brown eyes. She is Asian. The genetic dad is 5'10" with blonde hair and brown eyes. When I called the clinic to say that we were interested in them, the nurse said that someone else had already expressed interest in them. She had to give them another chance to make their final decision. She called me back to tell me that those embryos had been removed from the available list.

Because they are ours!!!!

I couldn't be more excited. We have 7 frozen babies! And Mark has told me several times how he is excited about our family. The program is completely anonymous. The donors will never know anything about us, and we will never know anything more about them than we do right now.

From that point, things have continued to come together. We are required by our clinic to undergo a Psychiatric Evaluation. They require this for anyone using donor sperm, eggs or embryos, as well as gestational carriers. The Doctor that does their evaluations just happened to have an opening next week when Mark and I were already planning on being in Boise. Our next hope is that my cycle beings on time to schedule a water ultrasound when our RE has an opening.

This is just thrilling to me for so many reasons. There is so much more I could say, but I fear this post is getting longer than most will want to read. So I'll save more for another day. We appreciate your prayers, and would love for them to continue! We aren't there yet. Just on the way.

Lessons in infertility

There really isn't much to update, but I know there are people checking often for updates. We are still exploring options and praying about what God has for us. One option that my heart has been very drawn to for some time is called Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation. Please know that I am by no means an expert in this area, but I'm going to give you the information as I understand it from my readings and following the journey of several friends.

Both Embryo Adoption (EA) and Embryo Donation (ED) operation on the same basic concept. When a couple goes through invitro fertilization (IVF), the ovaries are stimulated to produce as many eggs as possible. The eggs are then retrieved and then combined with sperm (sometime the sperm is injected directly into the egg, and sometimes the sperm are allowed to do their own thing) to produce embryos. Because this is an expensive and very involved process and it is never known how many will actually fertilize and grow, many embryos (sometimes as many as 20 or more) are created.

If you believe as I do that life begins at conception, each of these tiny embryos, far too small to be seen by the naked eye, is a life, precious in the eyes of our Creator. The couple and their medical team decide together how many of those embryos will be transferred back into the woman's uterus. As is the case in a natural cycle, not every life conceived will implant and grow. Most often 2-3 embryos will be transferred. Caution must be exercised though, because each of them could implant, resulting in a multiple pregnancy, that can be very difficult on the health of the children and mom. The remaining embryos are frozen, awaiting the outcome of the transfer (often referred to as a fresh transfer-because those embryos initially transferred have never been frozen.) If that cycle fails to produce a pregnancy, or if it produces a pregnancy, and the couple wishes to have more children, then some of the frozen embryos are thawed and transferred into the mom. Very sadly not all of the embryos will survive the thaw. Success rates for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) are not typically as high as for a fresh cycle. Even after several subsequent cycles, there are often embryos remaining. Once the couple has decided their family is complete, or their journey on this path has come to an end, there is a huge decision to make- What to do with their remaining embryos.

One choice is to allow them to be destroyed. Another option is to donate them for research. Thankfully for some people these are not options. At this point, they are left with two more options. They can continue to pay for storage indefinitely. Or one final option is to allow them to be adopted, or to donate them through Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation.

The difference between EA and ED is minor. Through ED, the donating couple will often notify their clinic that they want to donate the embryos to another couple. From my understanding this is most often a closed process. The donating couple will know little or nothing about the receiving family. They can also choose to find a couple on their own through word of mouth, or through various websites.

With EA, there is a paperwork and home study process much like a traditional adoption. This allows for more of a screening process, and allows the donating family to have a great amount of control in deciding on a family for their embryos. This allows more room for the genetic family and the adopting family to decide on how open they want the relationship to be.

Babies resulting from ED/EA are often referred to as snowflakes, because no two are the same. Each is unique. There is an EA program called Snowfakes Embryo Adoptions through Nightlight Christian Adoptions http://www.nightlight.org/snowflakeadoption.htm . There is also an embryo adoption program through Bethany Adoptions http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/1CA188422535A9E8852572750070B241 . Both websites have a lot of information about the process, and testimonies of families that have grown their family through this path. Looking at the pictures of those precious babies, it's amazing to me that people can still call extra embryos as "medical waste."

At this time, an actual legal adoption process isn't required, just legal contract for a transfer of property. While I find this very sad to refer to these lives as "property", it has its good point in that it takes away a lot of the red tape and makes the process easier and less costly. Once that contract is signed, the donating family has no legal claim to the embryos or the child born from this process. On the birth certificate, the receiving family are listed as the mom and dad.

At this point, I am in the process of finding out about receiving donor embryos through our clinic. My heart has really been pulled in this direction since I first heard about this option almost three years ago. I can't even put a finger on what about it appeals to me, but it something sure does. I have a news story about "the other side of the stem cell research debate" that I recorded on our DVR from August of 2005. It tells the story of a family that was grown through EA, and shows both the adopting family and the genetic family.

Exploring the the possibility of using donor embryos was actually the reason we first went to our clinic a year ago. After the 6 rounds of clomid and one IUI we did with my gynecologist, I wanted to go straight to using donor embryos. The doctor laughed at me and said I was giving up before we really tried. They have a policy that they never let new patients go right to donor embryos. They must have failed treatment through this clinic. Now that we have done 2 cycles there, and have no baby, I'm hoping they will allow us on their wait list for donor embryos. When I talked to the ED coordinator at our clinic last week, she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me. She said that there are currently embryos from several different donors available.

Knowing they have embryos available makes me so excited I could wet myself! If it were my choice, I would start the ball rolling on this tomorrow. But alas, it is not all about me. We are praying that the doors that need to be opened will opened, and if the doors God does not want us to go through would be tightly closed.

Wow, this has turned into quite a long post. I guess that's why I haven't talked much about it before. It's just so exciting to me, I have so much to say about it!

A little news

I got another call from our clinic today. Not much to report. I asked one question, and she said she'd have to run it by the doctor. That might take a day or two. OYE! Wait, wait, wait. The theme of my life. Mark and I have started devoting time each day to pray together for the future of our family. We both want so badly to be on the same page, and thatpage needs to be the one God wants us on. .

I have SO MUCH excitement in my heart about this option we are exploring. This is something my heart has been drawn to for more than 2 years. For now though, we continue to wait and pray.

Change in protocol

We continue to seek direction and weigh out options. In this process, one of our options is to continue with the prescribed treatment protocol from our Reproductive Endocrinologist. A few weeks ago when the nurse called with my negative beta results, she mentioned that the doctor would probably want to change my treatment protocol. On Friday I called the clinic to find out exactly what that change in protocol would entail. Their biggest concern with my former protocol was a thin uterine lining. Unfortunately, that's one of the side effects of clomid. So at this point, the only change they have for me would be to change the clomid to a medication called Femera, or generic Letrozole. This is a medication that has been used for treatment of breast cancer. But it has a side effect of inducing ovulation exactly like clomid does, without the negative side effects. Not sure if this is the path we're going to be on, but at least we have the information about the path.

I also left a message for the embryo donor coordinator at our clinic. During my last IUI, I heard the coordinator talking to someone about this. This is something that really excites me. My heart has been pulled in this direction for more than two years. Unfortunately the embryo donor coordinator is out of the office until Tuesday. Hopefully we can learn a lot more about this path when she gets back.

Humbled

I sit here tonight humbled, and nearly overwhelmed by the comments that have been left on my blog recently. It's amazing to me the people that I have never before met, that God has brought to this simple website for the purpose of praying for my husband and I.

We had our meeting today at the Pregnancy Crisis Center. She went over a TON of information, and gave us a contact for a christian lady that does home studies in this area for a much more reasonable price than most. In the end she prayed with us. We left the meeting completely overwhelmed, and no closer to a decision on the direction we are to be going. So for now, we continue to wait. Wait while I hear time clock ticking loudly in my ears. I know God has a plan. I'm working daily on trusting that plan.