Today's bloodwork

Today's bloodwork results are in. hCG levels are down to 137. That's down from 182 a week and a half ago. Dr L said that it's going down, but not fast enough, he wants repeat bloodwork this after the weekend to see if it's continuing in the right direction, and if not then he wants me to take the misoprostle. I think I might go ahead and take it this weekend anyways. No sense dragging out the inevitable. I'm tired of the bleeding already.

I have a lot more thoughts on this, but I just don't have the energy to compose it into this entry. So for now, in general, I am at peace. I am sad. I have grief, but I am ok. Our baby is safe. He will never see the other side of grace. Grandma Lucy is babysitting. That thought alone brings tears...

Kitty Comfort

We have two cats named Ginger and Maryann that are 5 1/2 years old. They are petite little cats (only about 8-9 pounds each) but they aren't kittens anymore. They have such individual personalities. Maryann has a particular affection for a good blanket. She is particular about her blankets. They need to be a certain texture. Once she finds her blanket- even if it means crawling under other blankets to get to it- she latches on. Yes, she bites onto the blanket, and starts kneeding against whatever is in reach with her paws. The silly cat likes nursing on blankets! When I was roommates with Angie she used to sit with Angie and a good blanket almost every evening. Now most nights she lays down next to Mark. I've read that sometimes kittens that are taken from their mom too soon do this. But both Ginger and Maryann were from the same litter, and came to live with us at the same time, and only Maryann does it. She only does it before she goes to sleep. I think it's just her way of comforting herself, and winding down for the night.

Nothing really new to report

Well, everything is still about the same. Except I have a nasty cold, and I do mean nasty! My nose is chapped from blowing it. I have a fever. I'm coughing. It's yucky! Not to mention the bleeding and a whole list of other ways my body seems to be failing me right now.

I'm feeling pretty run down physically. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. I don't know if it's new hope, or if it's that I'm finally starting to come to terms with this loss. I want very much for a miracle. Can you imagine what a fantastic testimony that would be?? Oh how I would shout that from the rooftops! Ultimately, my prayer is that God's will be done. I want this child to be in my arms, but I know God has a perfect plan for this baby's life. Whether that plan is best served with this child on earth now, or in heaven, is not my choice. I do know that. I've woken up several times with that prayer on my lips. I would ask that you pray for His will with me as well.

The second opinion

Ok, the 2nd opinion today from Dr L is to hold off on the labor inducing medication. If there is still a baby in there, he wants to give it a fighting chance until we are 100% sure, although he agreed it really doesn't look good. He couldn't see anything definate on the ultrasound. He saw a thickened whitish area, where the baby should be if there is still a baby in there, but there was movement there, indicating my body is probably trying to get rid of it. As soon as I got up to Boise, my bleeding picked up again after almost a week of only spotting. Dr L wants additional bloodwork in a week. From that he will determine if he wants to see another ultrasound, or if he will recommend going ahead with the medication to help the miscarriage along.

I feel good about this plan. I just want to be positive. I don't ever want to look back and regret taking action too soon. This doctor has such a gentle bedside manner. Very different from the RE. The RE is very knowledgable. I'm not discounting that at all. They have getting pregnant down to a science. But it's just that, a science. I don't get the feeling from them that this is or was a baby. It's just a pregnancy that isn't going as it should, so let's just scrap it and start over. Where Dr L talked about it like it is a baby. I'm really glad we went up there today.

I made a call

After yesterdays news, I felt very unsettled. After talking things over with Mark we decided we would like to have a second opinion. I called Dr L, an OB/gyn in Boise, and explained our situation to his nurse. She talked things over with Dr L, and they agreed to see me tomorrow at 11:30.

Total Confusion!!

My doctor's office FINALLY called at just before 5 today. (I had my blood drawn at 7:30 am yesterday--They have always gotten me same day results) My hcg went from 92 last week to 182 yesterday. Still extremely low for how many dpo (days past ovulation) I am. And it's definately not increasing appropriately for a pg. But what else would cause the hcg to continue increasing?? I started spotting at 21 dpo, and bleeding at 26 dpo. The bleeding changed back to spotting at about 30 dpo, and has continued as spotting. I'm now 37 dpo.

So what would cause my hcg levels to continue increasing??They want me to take MISOPROSTOL. I'm supposed to stick 4 pills where the sun don't shine. She said the side effects aren't pleasant, so she would recommend I don't take it tonight, but maybe wait till the weekend. Then they want a repeat blood test 4 days after I take the pills. I just about had a panic attack on the phone with her. My heart was racing. Everything in me wanted to scream that this isn't right! I'm just so confused.I had an ultrasound last Monday at 29 dpo, and it showed nothing anywhere. They were originally concerned that it was ectopic. So far I've had no specific pain. I've had aches and little cramps, but certainly nothing worse than a period. As far as that goes, my bleeding was never worse then a period.

It's been a few days

I know I haven't been posting as frequently this week. I guess I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are up and down. Most often several episodes of both each day. Yesterday I had a rough one. The flowers I posted about before from my dear friend Jennifer--They are wilted. They are dying, and our baby is gone. I can't bring myself to throw away the one gift received for our baby. The one gift he got during his short little life.

This morning we traveled 75 miles to visit the church where my brother in law and oldest sister are interim pastors. After church my nieces (my brother's 7 year old daughter, and my oldest sister's 8 years old daughter) asked if they could ride in our car to go to lunch. We had no problem with that, and my sister had no problem with that. So off we went. As they were getting into the car, the 7 year old said "You're pregnant, right?" I simply told her that I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. Our baby died. I didn't know what else to tell her.

So then the 8 year old (who lives in her own little world) said, "Aunt Niki's having a baby!"

"No, her baby died."

"Why did your baby die?"

"Maybe you weren't healthy enough"

"You should have another baby."

"Yeah, you need to have another baby"

The conversation in the back seat of the car seemed to go on forever, all the while Mark was trying to shush them, and change the subject. Finally he told them they needed to not talk about it right now, because it makes Aunt Niki very sad.

I didn't cry. Thankfully I was pretty numb in that moment. I'm thankful for the numb moments these days. It's funny. Seems like I can go for a little while, like everything's ok, and then something breaks inside me all over again, and I start crying and can't stop. This is normal right??

I felt like I had pregnancy symptoms all over again today. I had nausea throughout church, and on the way home. Probably just the hormones trying to get back to normal? I'm so silly. I still find myself praying for a miracle. I know what I saw last weekend, but I still hope. Then I cry.

"How are you?"

Oh what a loaded question. How does one answer that question? I hear it a hundred times a day. I don't know how to answer that. Obviously not honestly. "I'm crushed. My baby died over the weekend. Thanks for asking. How are you?" It seems like everything around me is a reminder. I went to work yesterday. I made it through the day with just a very few tears. Today was a little bit harder. I teared up several times, but was able to hold off a meltdown until tonight. I lost it. No particular trigger. I miss my baby. I want him back.

Physically, so far I'm doing very well. Emotionally... wow, I just wan't prepared for that. I have to wait for all the bills to come in before I can even begin to think about when we can try again.

Thank you for the prayers from those of you who are following our story.

It's 2 am, and I can't shut my mind off....

At this time last week, I was going to bed at 8:30 every night. Now I can't shut my mind off. And here I sit. I need a name for our baby. Mark thought from the beginning it was a boy. I can go with that. We had a first name picked out a long time ago, but I just don't know about a middle name to go with it. I will pray for a perfect name to go along with it. A perfect name for our perfect baby in heaven that Mama Lucy is babysitting for me. For those of you who don't know about Mama Lucy, she was my first mom who died when I was 3.

Browsing around the internet tonight, I started searching for some beautiful pencil drawings someone once emailed me. They were of Jesus with children. I want to order at least one of these. Tomorrow I will ask Mark's opinion between http://www.keatonprints.com/welcomeinhishands.htm and http://www.keatonprints.com/printsnuggle.htm Personally I think I'm leaning more towards the "In His Hands" print.

Today I asked my boss for one more day off. One more day to grieve before returning to life as normal. I don't feel like my life will ever be the same normal again. I know that sounds dramatic. But my life has been changed. Who would have thought a tiny human inside me for such a short time could change me. Once I got home and sat in my recliner crying for awhile, I decided maybe it wasn't the best thing for me to stay home for one more day and cry. So I planned on going back to work tomorrow. Now, and 2:30 am, I'm thinking I probably won't be at work tomorrow. That's ok too.

Our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus

Thank you all for your prayers, but this was not our take home baby. The bleeding has continued throughout the weekend. I didn't think it was heavy bleeding, but after my ultrasound (which showed nothing, no sack, no "mass" in the tubes) the nurse said it was heavy bleeding. TMI - I did pass something yesterday that wasn't a clot. I can't be sure what it was, but I can guess.

They did another blood draw. Last Monday at 22 days past ovuation my hcg was 52. Today at 29 days past ovulation it was 93. So now we are in "Expectant Management." I am supposed to stop the progesterone. I have another blood draw next Monday. If the level hasn't gone down, I have to go for another ultrasound. They will continue to monitor until my hcg is back to 0.

Physically, I've had some discomfort, a little bit of cramping, but nothing major yet. I asked the nurse what to expect as far as the bleeding goes. She said it could be days or weeks.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Some moments I'm fine. Thankful to know that we were able to conceive, and ready to try again. Other moments, I can't seem to stop sobbing--Our baby is gone, and I don't know where to go from here.

Cast my cares... the test

Friday morning while I was at work, I felt something not quite right. So I went to the bathroom. The spotting I have been experiencing all week was no longer spotting. I was now bleeding. I called my clinic right away. I explained the situation to the lady that answered the phone. She transferred me to a nurse's voicemail. About 2 hours later, just after I got back from lunch I got a call back on my cell phone. I took the phone and went into the bathroom as the nurse told me, the bleeding was probably for the best. It's just my body's way of taking care of things. The pregnancy probably only had a 20% chance of being viable with such a slow start. I was absolutely devistated. She was telling me she believes my baby is dead. No matter how much I tried to prepare for this possibiliby. I wasn't at all prepared. I asked about Monday's appointment. She said we could leave it on the books, but we should just see how the weekend goes, and I should call Monday morning and they might just have me go do bloodwork instead of driving to Boise for the ultrasound.

I left the bathroom and went to my supervisors desk. I think I may have still been sobbing. But she was very startled. She asked what was wrong. I told her. She told me to get my things and go. Don't worry about anything else, just go. I got halfway out the door, and had to run back to the bathroom and throw up.

I came home for the rest of the day. My sister came over to sit with me. She tried to get me to go out and do something with her. I just wasn't ready to. I spent a lot of time yesterday in tears. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my baby. It's not time. It's not my time. This is supposed to be a take home baby.

Today was better. I have to make a frequent conscious effort to "cast my cares." I've had tears today, but much fewer. Mark has said several times this is not over yet. We are going to go ahead and go for the ultrasound. I will call them Monday morning as they requested, but I want the ultrasound. I'm still praying for our miracle.

Tomorrow we will go to Boise, and stay overnight in a hotel. We are planning on going out to dinner, and maybe a movie. Mark has some shopping he wants to do as well. Monday we will go to the doctor, and then probably home.

Please please pray for our miracle. I felt a couple of days ago like God was telling me He wanted to show me His miracle in this. I just don't know what miracle He was referring to.

Better day today

After an emotionally up and down week. I had a pretty good up day. Earlier this week at work, I told one of my co-workers, Mike, about the baby, and the uncertainty the nurses are giving me, and asked him to pray. Yesterday he said he had something to tell me, but he didn't quite know how to say it. At that moment, amazingly, the room seemed to clear. God paved the way Mike to talk to me. He said that both he and his wife had prayed individually for Mark and I, and our baby. He said he felt the Lord telling him that He was waiting for me to bring this to Him. Mike said he didn't know if that meant me directly, or Mark and I. After pondering this and praying. I think it's not that I haven't bought it to the Lord. It's that I haven't brought it to the Lord and left it with Him! I keep picking it back up to carry it around.

"Casting all your care upon Him, because He cares about you" 1 Peter 5:7

So today any time I felt something, or had a thought that brought worry or concern, I just prayed. What an amazing difference. No tears today. Only a few more days before the ultrasound. Still bleeding, but the nurse assures me that in itself is nothing to be concerned about.

Nothing Exciting to report.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally today. I guess knowing that there really isn't going to be anything to know for a week has helped. This morning I just felt better. I am concerned that my morning temperature has dropped, and the spotting has continued, and even picked up a little bit. I want the spotting to stop, and my temps to go back to where they were. But I guess none of this is my choice right??

So this word is what I must cling to today:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Better late than never

OK, so I just FINALLY at almost 7:00 pm got a call from my clinic with today's beta results. I had my blood drawn at 7:30 this morning. What a terrible wait, but anyways.... for todays results.

Review:
Monday - 2/26 - 15 dpo - 9
Thursday - 3/1 - 18 dpo - 15


and for today...

...


...

Monday - 3/5 - 22 dpo - 52!!!

Soooo we're still going up. Still very low for how many days past ovulation I should be, but it's still increasing. My most recent doubling time was I think 53 hours. The nurse said things are increasing appropriately now, but the slow start still has them concerned about ectopic. So I still have instructions to call immediately if I have any kind of pain. I told the nurse that I started spotting last night ans asked if that is anything to be concerned about. She said as long as there is no pain, not to worry. It happens in 1 in 4 pregnancies. She gave me the option of repeat beta on Thursday, or ultrasound on Monday. We're going with the ultrasound since it's a much better picture of what's going on in there. She said they can do bloodwork then as well if needed.

So the wait goes on.

YAAAAAAY!!!!

Finally!!! I got to see it. For the first time!

The ever elusive positive Home Pregnancy Test! It's very faint. But as far as HPT's go, a line is a line! Very exciting for me. I'm really hoping this means my hcg is still increasing. I haven't taken an HPT since before my first beta. I had one left, and decided I really wanted to see if it would show positive yet. Here it is.

The picture is blurry, it's probably gross when you think about it, and not too pretty for most to look at, but it's a beautiful sight to this mom's eyes! Did you just read that?? I called myself a mom! :)

The cat is out of the bag...

Our initial plan was to wait until we could see something on an ultrasound (which will hopefully be in another couple of weeks) before telling our families. After more consideration we decided to tell our families sooner rather than later. Last night we told my family. I have my mom a "Classic Pooh" brag book. On the first page, I used stickers to spell out "See You in November." My mom had to read it several times before she fully understood. She dropped to her knees to thank the Lord. Her poor knees were hurting for awhile. She and sister had tears in their eyes. My dad seemed pretty excited too. My sister tried to explain to her 3 year old that Auntie Nik was going to have a baby. She wanted to know where the baby was, so I pointed to my tummy. She looked at my sister and said "I've gotta go check this out!"

Today we gave another brag book to Mark's mom. She was pretty confident something was going on with us. But thankfully she was very respectful not to ask any questions, but to wait until we told her. I really do appreciate that. I knew she had seen the medications and needles in the kitchen while we were in the treatment cycle, so she knew we were working on it again. Plus the fact that she came over to our house for lunch one day when I was sick in bed. She seemed very excied. She said it was perfect timing. Her other grandkids aren't babies anymore and she was ready for a new baby.

We decided that no matter how long we have this baby, it needs to be celebrated. This also gives more people a chance to be praying. Outside of family and very close friends, I still want to keep things fairly quiet. It is fun to know they are all excited!

And the wait goes on....

I had my repeate beta today. The level went from 9 to 15. It should have AT LEAST doubled in that amount of time. So in the words of the nurse, "We are proceding with cautious optimism." So I will continue to take the progesterone to help things along. I have orders for another beta on Monday. They gave me the option of the Beta Monday, or waiting a couple more weeks for a 6 week ultrasound. I took the option of the beta. I'd like information sooner rather than later.