It's been a few days

I know I haven't been posting as frequently this week. I guess I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are up and down. Most often several episodes of both each day. Yesterday I had a rough one. The flowers I posted about before from my dear friend Jennifer--They are wilted. They are dying, and our baby is gone. I can't bring myself to throw away the one gift received for our baby. The one gift he got during his short little life.

This morning we traveled 75 miles to visit the church where my brother in law and oldest sister are interim pastors. After church my nieces (my brother's 7 year old daughter, and my oldest sister's 8 years old daughter) asked if they could ride in our car to go to lunch. We had no problem with that, and my sister had no problem with that. So off we went. As they were getting into the car, the 7 year old said "You're pregnant, right?" I simply told her that I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. Our baby died. I didn't know what else to tell her.

So then the 8 year old (who lives in her own little world) said, "Aunt Niki's having a baby!"

"No, her baby died."

"Why did your baby die?"

"Maybe you weren't healthy enough"

"You should have another baby."

"Yeah, you need to have another baby"

The conversation in the back seat of the car seemed to go on forever, all the while Mark was trying to shush them, and change the subject. Finally he told them they needed to not talk about it right now, because it makes Aunt Niki very sad.

I didn't cry. Thankfully I was pretty numb in that moment. I'm thankful for the numb moments these days. It's funny. Seems like I can go for a little while, like everything's ok, and then something breaks inside me all over again, and I start crying and can't stop. This is normal right??

I felt like I had pregnancy symptoms all over again today. I had nausea throughout church, and on the way home. Probably just the hormones trying to get back to normal? I'm so silly. I still find myself praying for a miracle. I know what I saw last weekend, but I still hope. Then I cry.