Under the Weather

I've been very under the weather this last week. I've been dealing with a great deal of nausea throughout the week. If I hadn't had a blood test a little over a week ago, I would swear that I'm pregnant. To top that off, Thursday night I came down with a cold that I caught from a co-worker. Oh the joys!! So I've been all snotty and sneezing this weekend. With all of this I haven't been up to too much activity.

Mark and I continue to seek direction for the next step in the journey to expand our family. I had a MASSIVE meltdown last week. The worst in a long time. This is just so hard! It makes it even harder that Mark and I really aren't on the same page about things. He is perfectly content with our family as it is. He wouldn't mind having children, but he's ok without too. I wish I was there. Oh how I wish. Mark feels like we should just pray and seek direction right now. My prayer for direction has been that God would open the doors we are to go through, and close the ones we aren't. And how do you know if the door is open or closed if you don't look at it? So I have been on a fact finding mission to get information about all of our options. Mark feels like it's kind of a waste of time to walk down the hall checking doors if we don't have a direction. Neither of us thinks the other is wrong. We just have different perspectives. I think I have a hard time sitting still and waiting. I know that is something I need to work on...

In any event, Mark was not comfortable with trying to fit our meeting at the Pregnancy Crisis Center into our lunch hour, so we rescheduled it. It will be this coming Tuesday at 2:00 pm. Mark has most Tuesday afternoons off, so it won't mess with his work schedule at all. I will work through my lunch hour, and take a couple of hours of vacation, so I don't have to go back to work after the meeting.

Along these lines, I've begun working on a digital scrapbook of our lives together. While I'm excited about this scrapbook for several reasons. The ultimate purpose of the pages I'm creating is hopefully being used in an adoption portfolio, for expectant parents to look at to get to know us, and maybe decide they want us to raise their child. But I'll post more about this later.

Options, a New Vacuum and Baby Blankets

Sorry the updates are getting further apart. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel like when we are not actively trying to have a baby, I really don't have anything worth saying. That's how much of my identity I've wrapped up in this journey. I honestly don't know what is next for us. There are so many options. We are standing at an intersection with so many different paths. I just don't know which one we are to choose.

Our options at this point are further treatment. Although that isn't an option till after the first of the year. Embryo adoption is another possibility. I'm waiting to hear from our clinic to see if we can be put on their waiting list to receive donor embryos. We also have a meeting this Friday with the local Pregnancy Crisis Center, to discuss adoption, in addition to the agency we met with a couple of years ago.

In other news, we splurged on a new Dyson vacuum, and I'm in love! I'm also disgusted by all the hair and dirt this thing pulls out of our carpet. I've been able to make new fur coats for the kitties every other day since we got it! I never would have thought I would spend that much money on a vacuum, but so far I'm SO glad we did. I highly recommend Dyson. I was cleaning around the edge of our closet with the, and I stood up with the vacuum hose in my hand, and accidentally sucked a shirt right off the hanger. Our carpets look better and better each time I vacuum. This vacuum really sucks. Really!

With all of this excitement, I will leave you with pictures of the baby blankets I made over the last month. Hopefully 3 of the recipients that live out of the area will be getting them in the mail in the next day or two. The 4th is local, and has hatched already. His bum was stuck where it shouldn't be, so he had to be born via c-section a week and a half ago, so I thought I'd give mommy some time to heal a bit before going over to visit.

Broken Dreams...

I know there are quite a number of people who read this blog that have some experience with infertility. On the flip side, there are probably just as many readers who have not. So there are some readers who see yesterdays news as a disappointment, and don't fully grasp the grief I have right now. It truly is grief. I have been cycling through phases of it since the phone call yesterday. From anger to denial. This wasn't just a disappointment. It was the death of a dream for yet another month. While I know it isn't true, I feel so broken and useless. I can't do what seems to be a God-given right for women. "Be fruitful and multiply..." just doesn't work for me.

Mark and I went out to dinner last night, and I brought up many of the options we have to go from here. I would love your prayers for direction. There are so many doors. I don't know where to go!

With this, I will leave you with a poem that has come to mean a great deal to me. Looks like I need to soak this in a bit more and live it.

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my Friend.

But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow"--
"My child," He said, "what could I do?
You never did let go."

-Author Unknown

Thank you for your prayers

I just received a call that our test results were negative. No baby for us this time. I'm taking it pretty hard right now, just trying to figure out how to make it through the next 35 minutes of work. Trying to remember that God is still God, and He is very good. I want to crawl into bed and cry. I wish I could make these desires and feelings go away. If I could turn them off, oh how I would!

I don't know what comes next for us. I'd really appreciate your prayers for direction in that. I know Mark is so tired of the treatment roller coaster.

Stop the ride, I wanna get off.

Wait, wait, wait some more!

This morning is off to a roaring start! I woke up at 6 am, not feeling good AT ALL. (Lower digestive issues--enough said.) I was really debating not going to work. Once I showered and got myself dressed I was feeling a little better, so I headed off to the hospital lab to have my blood drawn. Good thing I got to the hospital as early as I did, if not, I'd probably still be waiting there. The sweet christian lady Barb that usually draws my blood I noticed wasn't coming out to call people. I was disappointed. I noticed that each person that they called back was taking about 20 minutes :( Finally they called a couple of lab techs from other parts of the hospital to come help. When they finally called me back after almost an hour of waiting, they ended up having to stick me twice, because she only got a flash of blood from one arm. She explained that the lady who is normally in the lab in the mornings had to leave because her mom was in the emergency room! So I got to work at 8:30 (when leaving the house this morning, I was sure I'd be early for work in case I had to leave today) and one of the other girls is not here, she's at home sick. My tummy issues seem to have settled down for now. We'll see what the rest of the day holds.

So now, once again, we wait. With these blood tests last time, I got results anywhere from 11:30 am to 7:30 pm.

I caved

UGH! I caved and used a home pregnancy test. What did I say in my last post about being too early to accurately detect a pregnancy? Someone please remind me. Of course the test was negative, and I'm feeling discouraged. I'm bordering on tears right now. I haven't been weepy this whole cycle. Wow this stinks. 2 more days till my blood test. Wonder if I can hold out till then?

Still waiting

I feel like I need to post something, but there's nothing to update. We're on the downhill side of this episode of the waiting game. I've been tempted to pull out a home pregnancy test and give it a try. Despite what the commercials would have you believe, it's really too early for accurate results from any pregnancy test. I will have my blood test in 4 days. So for now I will continue to wait. Wait and work on crafts. I've finished 4 blankets. I'll post pictures of them this week after I've mailed most of them off.

Yeah, so I'm pathetic...

Still nothing exciting going on in my corner of the world. I'm halfway through this round of the waiting game. I've been wrestling back and forth at times with doubts. This is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do to help things along. Worry certainly isn't going to help.


I finished another blanket today. That makes 4! All were made with love and prayers for specific babies that are due to make their big arrivals in the next couple of months. All of these babies have moms that I was looking so forward to experiencing pregnancy with. And so I digress. That wasn't meant to be. That doesn't take away for one second the miracle of these babies. While making these blankets I've been praying for these babies; For their protection; For guidance for their parents to raise them to love Him; For their siblings. Maybe I'm selfish, but as I mentioned before, making these gifts is like therapy for me.


Ok, time for another biology lesson. What exactly could be going on inside me right now?? First we'll back up a step to last week. We skipped some steps, and after the swimmers went on a wild ride in the lab, they were injected directly into my uterus. The eggs are normally viable for 24 hours max, so timing is everything. The swimmers seek out the egg(s), and try to penetrate a tough membrane around the egg. Only one sperm can make it through the membrane. Conception!! Once conception has happened the cells begin dividing very quickly. Everything needed to keep the embryo alive at this point is contained in itself! It begins a week to ten day journey down the fallopian tubes and into the uterus where it needs to find a nice comfy place to nestle in. This is called implantation. So at this point if we have been blessed with a baby or two, they are probably just arriving in the uterus to search out a place to dig in. But they could still be floaters for a few more days. After implantation, the placenta forms, at which point they would be dependant on me for everything. Almost a frightening thought!!


I've had quite a bit of cramping and abdominal discomfort over the past few days. I've had a few other mild symptoms, but these things can be attributed to the progesterone support. So the waiting continues.

Nothing new

Sooo.... I'm boring. Nothing exciting to report. I'm 4 days into the 2 week wait. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Wishing the month away! I spent the weekend relaxing. I made some blankets. One of the blankets, I LOVE LOVE LOVE! I'm going to take pictures. I can't post them yet. A couple of the blankets may just be for some of my pregnant blog readers. Making these blankets is almost like therapy for me. They are far from perfect, but they are made with love and prayers for the recipients. It's hard to let the ugly green jealousy monster come out while you're praying for someone. This just allows me to take my focus off myself and focus on blessing someone else.

I'm feeling very at peace right now. I would have thought that I would be more anxious. I'm just trying to trust that God has the right plan, and He has my best interest at heart. He sees a much bigger picture than I do in my little corner of the world. I can however imagine our nursery decorated around one of the blankets I made over the weekend. BIG SIGH!

More OUCH!!

We had the IUI today. The procedure was probably the worst that I have done. This is our third IUI, and the hsg (dye test that revealed a blocked tube) was similar in that the catheter was used to introduce something into my uterus. Out of all of those experiences, today was the worst. Not to say that it was really bad. Just very uncomfortable and at times very crampy and painful. She tried quite a few times to get the catheter in and it just wouldn't go. She said there was probably an enlarged gland inside the cervix blocking the path. After several minutes of trying, she changed to a different type of catheter with a smaller, but slightly stiffer tube, and it took a few tries but finally she got in. This isn't the first time it's been a rough entry. I have a tricky cervix. Add that to the list of my malfunctions!

There is definitely nothing wrong with Mark's boys. As always he had great counts. 36.5 million total count. 83% of them were motile. After they were washed and processed 11 million were used for the insemination. You may be asking why the insemination? What's wrong with the old fashioned way?

The uterine cervix acts as the principle filter for sperm during intercourse
and less than one percent of the sperm is naturally able to migrate up through
the uterus and into the fallopian tube where natural fertilization occurs. With
IUI, the cervix is bypassed and a small volume of highly concentrated sperm is
placed directly into the uterine cavity, thereby increasing the chances of
success to a much higher rate than can be accomplished with natural intercourse
or intracervical insemination during treatment cycles.

Basically, for conception to occur, the sperm have to find their way into some friendly fluid secreted by the cervix. They swim their way from the semen into that fluid called cervical mucus. If conditions are right in that mucus, they can last for up to 5 days. From there they go up through the cervix, inter the uterus. From the uterus into the fallopian tubes, where they meet up with an egg. There are any number of obstacles in the way throughout this process. I can't find the exact article I once read before our first IUI 2 years ago (2 years ago tomorrow to be exact!) but it goes something like this. While the initial deposit of semen may contain millions of sperm, often only tens or hundreds of thousands of the little swimmers will make it through the cervix into the uterus. By doing the IUI procedure today they were able to cut out a whole bunch of obstacles (swollen gland in the cervix blocking the way, etc) and deposit a MUCH higher concentration of 11 million near the tubes. This just gives us greater odds.

Tomorrow I will begin progesterone support for the next 2 weeks until our pregnancy test. The progesterone is to help maintain the lining of the uterus so an embryo has a nice safe place to nestle in. Progesterone is naturally released by the remains of the ruptured follicle (corpus luteum-- you can see this on the diagram from a yesterday).

I'm on princess status now. Until such time as we find I am definitely not pregnant, we will operate on the assumption that I am! No matter what we have done, this is still in God's hands. So now we wait...


Oh yeah... The picture and post about injection site reaction were made from my cellphone. That's why the picture is a little blurry. It really doesn't do the welt justice. It's about the size of a chicken egg and very red. I asked the nurse about it today and she said it's a fairly common reaction. If it lasts more than a few days or gets worse then there would be concern about infection. And NO, it's not my bum. All of these shots were in my belly. Not much prettier than my bum, but just putting your minds at ease. I'm not posting bum pictures online.

Ouch!

Injection site reaction. Lots of fun. I have a matching bruise on the other side. Off to I go. More later.

Great appointment!

Today was a major answer to prayer. I was hoping so much for the start of a couple of good follicles on the right side, but not too many. Wouldn't you know it, with today's ultrasound they found 2 "perfect follicles" ready to go! With my last cycle with this same treatment protocol and same medication I had to take 5 of the shots to stimulate my ovaries to produce follicles. This time I had to take 2! Every treatment we've done has taken longer than expected. Today I'm on day 9. That's almost a week earlier than normal. This has caused a few scheduling conflicts because I wasn't quite ready for this yet. I thought it would be this weekend or early next week. I took my hcg shot this afternoon to cause the follicles to rupture and release their eggs. The eggs generally release 24-36 hours after the hcg shot. So we will be having an IUI procedure done tomorrow. The only downside to today's visit was that the lining of my uterus was a little on the thin side. They want it to be a little thicker so that an embryo has something to attach to. So I was giving a prescription for an estrogen medication that should help boost the development of the lining.

I intended on giving a fresh explanation of the IUI, but I'm tired tonight. So I'm going to recycle the description I gave in February.

This afternoon I took my last injection for this cycle. Yep, that's it. I just took a shot called hCG. That hormone is very similar to LH, the hormone the body naturally releases to signal the follicle to rupture and release the egg. hCG is also the same hormone that is released during pregnancy. It's exactly what a home pregnancy test is testing for. Soooooo, if I took a pregnancy test tomorrow it would be positive. It would be a false positive, but a positive. :) I've talked a lot this week about follicles. So here is the progression of a follicle in the ovary. Just so you have a little picture to go from.

Tomorrow afternoon, we will be at our clinic in Boise for a procedure called IUI. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. An IUI is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

The whole process doesn't take very long — it usually only requires the insertion of a speculum and then the catheter, a process that maybe takes a couple of minutes (60-90 seconds to introduce the catheter, then sperm injection, and another 60 seconds or so to remove the catheter. Most doctors have their patients lay down on the table for 15-30 minutes after the procedure.

Appointment tomorrow

I had to say a little late after work tonight to wrap things up so I could be gone tomorrow. I have an appointment in the morning. I will be going for another ultrasound. Last Wednesday the purpose of the ultrasound was to make sure there was nothing on my ovaries that they didn't want there. The purpose of tomorrow's ultrasound will be to check for what they DO want growing on there. From this they will determine future doses of my injections. Hopefully I have a couple of good follicles growing on the right side. I'll leave early in the morning, and pick up my mom. She will be riding along again this week. I'm thinking I'll be flying solo for the next appointment though. That one will probably be Friday.

Off to shave my legs. I'll report back tomorrow evening on my ultrasound results.

Well on the way!

Yesterday I finished off the last of my clomid pills. YAAAY! Too bad the side effects of clomid outlast the pills. I'm currently in the midst of a whopping hot flash! It probably doesn't help that I just came in from mowing the lawn.

Because I finished the clomid yesterday, I started injections today. So we're well in the way. I'll take an injection tomorrow, then have an ultrasound on Wednesday. From that ultrasound they'll determine how many more injections to take before another ultrasound. Today's injection was nothing going in. I feel a little ache now, but not too bad.

We have a big day of birthday parties on both sides of the family today, so I better scoot along and see if I can accomplish anything else this morning!

Busy day at home

Today was a SUPER busy day at home. I have been doing what Mark now frighteningly calls "nesting." I am very hopeful for a pregnancy very soon. So I am doing my best to prepare my home. I'm trying to get things done that I wouldn't (or shouldn't) do while pregnant. I'm also trying to get the house clean from top to bottom so that in the coming weeks after the insemination, I can take it easy, and make "a happy place for babies."

Last night I got the grout on the new bathroom tile sealed twice. Today we got the toilet set back in place, and gave the bathroom a serious cleaning. I could eat in there right now. Better hurry if I want to do that before Mark heads in there... Oops, never mind. I really didn't want to anyway.

I've also finished up a few other little projects around the house while I still had my dad's nail gun and other miscellaneous tools. I feel so good about getting these things done! I'm tired, but it feels good! Tomorrow I plan to get my nightstand painted and hopefully my hair highlighted, and do some more cleaning. If I make enough progress this weekend, I may pull out the carpet cleaner and give them a good cleaning. Not sure on that one though.

I'll do more cleaning throughout the next week and if all goes well, I'm guessing I'll have the insemination as soon as next weekend. After that, I'll be taking it easy. I plan to do some crocheting, make several quilts, and maybe reorganize our closet. Earlier this year during my 2 week wait (2ww) I took down all of our curtains, washed and ironed them. It's been 7 months, so maybe I'll do that again too. In general, I'll just be keeping a low profile. I don't know that it's required, but if it gives a little one even the tiniest help in implanting and staying put, I'm all for it! I will be on a self imposed princess status.

Tomorrow morning I will take the last of my clomid. I've done very well on it this time as far as side effects go. I've experienced very little of the clomid crazies that I have in the past. I have been having hot flashes, a little light headed from time to time, and an occasional "visual disturbance." When I was on a clomid only protocol, my dose was twice what I am taking now, and oh how that messed with me. So glad not to have to go through that again!