Cycle Day 2 down

As far as treatment goes, today I: began the clomid, 2 pills in the morning; went to the hospital and had blood drawn to check for various hormone levels; and called to schedule next week's first ultrasound. I feel bad about how much I will have to be gone from work for this. It's such a huge investment of money, emotions, time and energy. It's all such a big gamble. My spirits are up today. I feel a little anxious, but still all in all positive. Prayers are appreciated!!

PS If anyone reads this, you should be proud of how many times I've updated this in the last week! If I keep this up, maybe it will become a habit!

The Twins

The Twins -

Here is the picture I mentioned a few days ago. I found it in a box of pictures. I would guess it is.... 12-13 years old. Crazy to think! It's from my child development class in high school. The quality is not so great, but you get the idea. For some reason I chose to have twin egg babies. I had forgotten about it until I ran across the picture. My mom is often joking about me having twins. I'd love to have twins.

Just thought I'd share the picture.

Game On!

Ok, here we are, day 1 of the cycle. Some of you will know what that means, and some won't. Either way, the cycle begins. Tomorrow I will call the RE's office (RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist which= specialist) to schedule my first exam. My meds have already been ordered, and arrived at my house. They are in a box next to my recliner. In addition to calling the RE's office tomorrow I will start taking the clomid..... oh how I don't like clomid. But it's seems to be a necessary evil in my life. I'm going to have to pull out my paperwork as well so I can find out what day I have to have bloodwork. That might be tomorrow as well. OH so much to keep track of.

Thank you for those of you who are praying.

Anxiety

Anxiety!

Ugh, I’m starting to feel it; the anxiety. Reading through my blog entries from a couple of years ago when we first started treatment, it all came back to me, the flood of emotions, the innocent belief. So much of that innocence is lost. I was so naïve entering treatment. I thought clomid was the magic pill that was going to make all the pain go away and bring me my long desired baby. I was devastated when that didn’t work. The first morning that it was evident to me it had not worked. I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. I laid there and cried. Even though that was nearly 2 years ago, the emotions are still there, still so raw. Despite those raw emotions, I’ve found myself getting my hopes up. This upcoming cycle of treatment is a lot of time, money, and emotional investment. It’s going to take several trips to Boise. Right now I’m guessing about 4. As far as the money goes, I’m not sure we will be able to afford more than one cycle for awhile. All of this brings about anxiety. I want so badly for this to work. I hope, I want to hope, I’m scared to hope. UGH! I think much of this anxiety is hormone driven! Welcome to my world… Aren’t you glad you don’t have to spend too much time in my mind??

I love the IDEA of blogging...

Ok, so I love the IDEA of blogging. I just don't know why I can't get myself to do it. Maybe I don't think I have much to say. We've been on this journey of trying to expand our family for so long, I feel like I'm just chasing my tail. Now I say so long, but through this journey, I've met so many people who've been on the trail a lot longer than we have. This spring, Mark and I will celebrate our 4th anniversary. We started trying to have a child not long after we were married. It's strange to see people who are on their 2nd or 3rd child in the amount of time we have been trying to have one! This isn't how I pictured things, but I must hold onto the belief that God has a plan for our lives... It doesn't make the journey easier though.

With all of that said, we're getting ready to start trying with medical intervention again. We've never stopped trying to have a baby, but we stopped medical treatment in October 2005. We're keeping the upcoming treatments hush hush for right now. This isn't necessarily to keep things from our friends and family as much as it is to perserve some sense of privacy. So for those of you who read this, now or someday down the road, know that us being quiet about this isn't to hurt you. Just think of it this way, how many children, other than your own, do you get to know the intimate details of their conception? Not many at all. We have been forced to give up the privacy of our bedroom and involve various doctors and nurses in the process of trying to conceive a child. I'm just claiming privacy in areas I do have control of. I need SOMETHING in all of this to be on my terms.

So if I want my privacy, why am I writing about it here? I have no idea. This is hard stuff to keep to myself. I think it could eat me alive if I let it. So if you're one of the few that finds this now while we're starting these treatments, we would greatly appreciate your prayers. Advise not so much... prayers definately! Everyone has an opinion on all of this. Mark and I have to just pray and make these decisions based on what we feel is right. I guess I have a very delicate line between needing privacy, and needing support. I'm just trying to find that balance.

Hopefully our treatment cycle will begin very soon. I'm waiting on some medication to jumpstart my system, and then throughout the month I will be a cross between a pin-cushin and a medicine cabinet! I'm very excited and yet very scared. I woud LOVE LOVE LOVE to be blessed with twins. If I could have 2 children, I think I could be content. I guess I've wanted twins longer than I thought. I recently found a picture from high school. During a child development class I took in high school, we had to carry around egg babies for a week. I chose twins! Mark and I have started joking around about "the twins. And NO! He is not referring to any part of my anatomy!