Home again

We arrived home several hours ago, but I had to sleep off some pain meds. I didn't talk to the doctor after the procedure, but Mark did. Everything went well.

We got to the hospital, signed the paperwork, had some blood drawn, the nurse drawing my blood said some stupid things without knowing why I was there. I ended up crying. Then it was off to Pre-Op. They knew why I was there, so they were much more sensitive. They took my vitals, and did more paperwork, and then I got all dressed up in my gown, and my IV inserted. I got to lay covered in piles of warmed blankets for awhile before they wheeled me into the operating room. There, they opened my gown and the tear away sleeves, stuck sensors around my body, the anesthesia provider was up by my head and said something that I don't even remember, and poof! I woke up in recovery. So far, my hand hurts the most where the IV was, so I'm going to count myself lucky! The highlight of my day was probably hearing the lullaby played over the hospital PA system announcing a birth, as I was wheeled out to the car. Oh the irony!

Physically, I think I'm doing very well. Emotionally I'm holding up pretty good right now as well. That isn't to say there are no struggles. I have tears, but not as bad as I have in recent days. I'm so far very glad I opted for the D&C over a natural miscarriage. I think this will allow me to get on with the healing, both physically and emotionally. I'm off work for the next 2 days. I will return to work on Friday.

A special thank you to those who have been praying for us during this season. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you for bearing our burdens along with us. My most recent dose of pain meds is kicking in, so I should stop writing before I embarrass myself, if I haven't already!

Today's apointment

Our appointment today went as well as can be expected. We started in a waiting room full of about 20 huge pregnant bellies. I had a hard time with this. Once Mark arrived, I hid in the corner behind something and cried. We waited about 20 minutes there. Then we went to the exam room. The ultrasound tech was the same one we had for the previous ultrasound. There was no change in the baby. Same exact size and no heartbeat, but looked perfect. She said she would go get the doctor. I asked if I should get dressed or not. She said she thought so, but wasn't sure, so she would go check. She never came back, so I sat there half naked with my over sized paper towel over my legs. We waited there about 30 minutes.

Doctor came in and said "So, looks like you're pregnant." Neither Mark or I responded. My friend warned me of this particular doctor's strange bedside manor (But also told me she had complete confidence in him, and out of all the doctors in the practice, he would be her first choice). He commented on how perfect the baby looked, which surprised him for stopped growth nearly 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take a look, because when it comes to stuff like this he doesn't trust anyone but himself. He got a call from Labor & Delivery, but asked the nurse to take a message. It felt good that we didn't get pushed aside. He went over our options and the pro's and con's of each. We opted to go ahead with the D&C. He said he would go start the scheduling process for tomorrow. Then no one came back... for about 20 minutes. Dr had to go ahead and go to L&D, and the surgery schedule was temporarily MIA, so they would have to call me back to let me know. The rest of the details are boring (not that any of this story has been exciting). D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

Here is baby's final picture. I asked for a copy of it. Looks perfect to me. I found it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. No one said the emotions of this process made any sense. I asked if we could find out the gender without doing the full panel of genetic testing and the nurse said no. It's all or none. I'm going to ask the doctor tomorrow if I can. There's no point in doing the genetic testing as this baby is no genetic relation, but I'd really like to know the gender.

Delayed reaction

It's been over a week since we learned our baby was gone. I immediately stopped taking my progesterone and estrogen. The only way we knew the baby was gone was the ultrasound at my first OB appointment. My body gave no indication anything was wrong. In fact with she did the physical exam, everything seemed to be right on. I hadn't had any bleeding for 2 and a half weeks, nothing since several days before the ultrasound that we saw that beautiful beating heart.

I've still had all of my pregnancy symptoms. I woke this morning very early, about 3:30 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I was tired, but my mind wouldn't shut off. I got up and spent some time on my computer. I posted a message on a forum asking questions about what to expect with a D&C, because for some reason my body hasn't gotten the memo. I went back to sleep at about 7:30 am. Wouldn't you know it, someone sent the memo while I slept. I woke up and had been bleeding a bit. Probably TMI I know, but I'm too emotionally drained to really care.

I seriously doubt my body will pick up the pace enough in the next day or so to resolve this before the D&C. I don't HAVE to do the D&C, but I'm hoping the procedure will resolve things more quickly. One of my nurses warned that a natural miscarriage at this point could be quite painful, but I've heard others say that they miscarried at this same stage of development, and it was a heavy period. I know the contractions I had when I finally completed the miscarriage last time were NOTHING like menstrual cramps, and I had much less to pass that time.

I know the physical discomfort will be very temporary, whichever way this is completed. I'm just concerned about dragging the process on. I know every experience was different. But with my last experience, I started spotting at about 5 weeks, and it picked up later that week. The baby was confirmed gone at 6 weeks. I continued bleeding for another 5 weeks. I took a week off of work when we first learned the baby was gone. Thinking it would happen quickly. As it happened, I ended up having strong contractions one day at work. We were short handed, and there was no way I could leave. I just got to endure, and come home and take a pain pill and go to sleep. The following Monday my hcg level was back to zero. I don't want the long drawn out process again. This is why I'm opting for a D&C. I guess maybe it's my way of taking some control of the situation.

In the next couple of days, as I know more I'll give you an overview of the procedure itself. Christmas morning was horrible this year, but that too is a story for another day. A truly heartfelt thank you to those of you who have sent your well wishes and prayers. They mean the world.

I'm not alright...

This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you

I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.

Can I be real here? That's what it's here for, right? I have a dead human being inside me. It's a sobering thought. I no longer have a living little baby I can talk to, or read bible stories to. The soul of this precious child has passed from my body into heaven. Because of the hormone therapy I was on (and the fact that my body has never done much of anything "right"), my body doesn't know yet. So the tiredness an bouts of nausea continue. I admit I've had a very easy pregnancy, if you subtract this past Friday from the equation.

This weekend was spent as normal as possible. We finished up some Christmas shopping Friday. We did some grocery shopping Saturday. I tried to be a bit productive, and did some housework, and wrapped some Christmas gifts. Mark and I exchanged our gifts, as we don't know what the coming days have in store for us. "Normal" has been a sort of distraction. Don't get me wrong. I've grieved. I've cried buckets of tears. But at least I can give my mind a bit of a break, from the constant streaming thoughts that are all over the page, sort of like the content of this blog post.

I must also admit, due to the advise of an online friend who is no stranger to the grief of losing babies, I spent WAAAAAAAAY too many hours playing Animal Crossing on the Wii. I really didn't think I'd like it, so we rented it. Both Mark an I enjoyed it, and while I normally can't justify spending that kind of money on a video game, it will be purchased this week. Thanks Kristina.

And on that random note, with this poor grammar, I must say farewell, time to get ready for work!

Another heavenly babe...

Our baby is gone. It seems my body is not meant for life. I am a tomb. I'm emotional right now, crying at the drop of a hat, but at the same time I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I had my first OB appointment today. Went through the pap, and physical exam, pee'd in a cup, gave them all the explanations on EA, previous infertility and miscarriage experience, etc. Then they called to see if there was still an ultrasound tech. There was, she tried an abdominal u/s, but couldn't get a good enough look, so I emptied my bladder and we went for the magic wand. I could see right away there was no heartbeat. But she kept working away, so I thought maybe I was missing something. She clicked away at her machine for what seemed like 5 minutes, before I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said I'm still looking, but I haven't been able to get it yet. I had also seen some of her measurements on the screen say 9w1d, and I should be at 10w3d. So baby has probably been gone a week. She then went to get a doctor to confirm.They gave me the choices as to what to do next.

I'm going to wait till after Christmas, and hope something happens on it's own before then. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping as of yet. I will stop my meds today. I have another appointment on Dec 29 to double check and make sure I don't have a miracle (his words- he's been wrong before, he doesn't think he's wrong this time, but we can wait and see) and if it is confirmed gone at that point, they will schedule a d&c for the next day. I know I'm early enough, and the baby is small enough that I should be fine to m/c natural, but I had such a bad experience last time. I'd rather get it over with, and not drag it out another month, and labor at work like last time.

Sometimes you've just gotta dance...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ultrasound pictures

Well, as anticipated, I didn't ever get around to pulling out the scanner and hooking it up over the weekend. But I did scan them this morning at work. Here they are. Little one is upside down, so use your imagination.


Baby measured 18 mm from head to bum, and had a heart rate of 176 bpm. The last picture is the best :) You can even see the little leg sticking out in the top of the black circle. The heartbeat was an amazing thing to see.

Released!?!?

We had a wonderful appointment today with our RE. We saw the baby as soon as he stuck in the magic wand (ultrasound probe). He didn't have to point it out to me, I KNEW, and I saw the heartbeat right away. That is really what I was hoping for. Baby Bean measured 8w0d, and we are 8w3d, so a little small, but nothing to worry about. He said everything looked perfect, well attached. Heart rate was 176 b/m. He pointed out a little arm and a little leg. He gave me a weaning schedule for my meds. If I can bring myself to pull out the scanner this weekend, I'll post the u/s pictures. If not, I'll scan them Monday at work.

I'm now released from the RE, to go to a regular OB/GYN!! This is totally uncharted territory for us.

I say all of this with excitement, and at the same time my heart is heavy for the ladies I know and love with arms that long to be filled. We have been on this road for a long time, and I know ladies who have been on it longer. But duration doesn't determine the pain. Infertility hurts. Period. While this blog may be changing in it's content, the pain of infertility is still there, lingering in the background. I'm sad that I have friends who will no longer feel comfortable visiting here as often as they used to, because of the sting. I know you are happy for me, but that it hurts your heart. That's OK. I understand well. I don't even know for sure who I'm talking to, but you do, and so does God, so I will be praying.

Wonderful quiet long weekend

Mark and I were both off for the long weekend. We spent a few hours with each of our families on Thursday, and Friday ventured out to Costco. We bought a new DVD player for a really good deal, but that was really about it. Friday I decided that we didn't bring home enough Thanksgiving leftovers, so we made our own mini feast of our favorites. Ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. The last cooking we did for the weekend :) Friday evening we went out, stopped at Starbucks and got a Carmel Apple Cider, (yummmmy!) and drove around to find a good parking spot to watch "Christmas in the Nighttime Sky." It's a local tradition we've never taken part in, but I think we will make it a tradition. The business that puts this on hosts a Potato/Chili dinner that is free with a new toy donation, then they have a beautiful fireworks display with Christmas music. We decided to have our own dinner, and view from the warmth of the car. Partly because we just didn't want to mess with being bussed to the location, etc, and partly because I think Mark is afraid the baby will get cold if I'm outside too long. :) This kid is well insulated in LAYERS AND LAYERS of fat! Mark is taking great care of us though.

We did venture out a few times this weekend, but the majority of the weekend has been spent lounging around. Thankfully the bleeding has stopped, and is only occasional spotting. Usually once or twice per day. I'm very anxious for our next ultrasound. Hopefully there will be a lot more to see this time!

Lady did her share of lounging. She's sleeping next to me right now. She's been dreaming a BUNCH this weekend. She's running in her sleep right now. Both yesterday and today she woke me up with her muffled sleep-barking. I think it's cute.

Well, it's time for me to get some sleep. I had a nap this afternoon. That is the only thing that has enabled me to be awake this late. Goodnight. Thanks for all of you who were checking in on me.

The last couple of weeks

The last couple of weeks have been both eventful and uneventful. Let me explain. With my last post, I was very excited to tell you all of the fantastic increase in my hcg beta. I didn't anticipate anything to update you with until my ultrasound appointment on Friday, November 21.

Last Wednesday while I was at work, I used the restroom, and noticed some spotting. It reminded me so much of how last year's miscarriage started. I was terrified. I called and spoke to a nurse at my clinic who did her best to reassure me. It's very normal. It happens in one in four pregnancies. Reduce activity and increase fluid intake. Call if I'm filling a pad in an hour. The unfortunate thing about the speech is that it is the same one I received last year as I miscarried, so I was able to find very little comfort in it. I went to work for 2 hours on Thursday, and the spotting continued, so I went home again for the day, and notified them I would be gone all day Friday. I came home and rested Thursday for the rest of the day. That seemed to be the end of the spotting. I fully expected more Friday after the ultrasound. (I knew the ultrasound would be via the magic wand, which can agitate things in there). But I escaped Friday with NO spotting. Must have been a fluke thing.

We had the ultrasound Friday. The purpose of this was to determine how many of the 3 embryos transferred actually attached, and to verify that they were in the correct place. I could not see a THING on the ultrasound. He had to do some searching, but found one little bean, snug where it should be. It was very tiny, and he said he could see the heartbeat. I saw a little bit of movement, but I would never have pointed that out as a heartbeat. However, this guy was the expert, so we're going to go with his opinion on it!

Saturday morning I lounged around a bit, and did a some ironing. I tried on several outfits, and decided what I would wear to Mark's company Christmas Party later that afternoon. Before you start with the comments, I KNOW! It's EARLY for a Christmas Party. I didn't plan it, I was just planning to attend. I went to the restroom, and what I saw was far beyond spotting. I went into total panic mode. I quickly went to bed, where I spent the remainder of the weekend. The bleeding lasted several hours. Mark really needed to attend this party for work. There were several reasons, one of them being he is management, another is that he had a portion of the gifts to be handed out at the party. I called my mom, to let her know what was going on, and she insisted on coming over. She stayed with me until Mark got home.

She prayed for me several times. Before the end of the weekend there were hundreds of people all over the country, and some around the world praying for us. Thankfully the bleeding stopped that evening. I had spotting for several more days. Today seems to be in the clear, but my family insists on keeping me on light duty. That's OK, I'll do whatever I can to keep this little been snug where it needs to be!

Next ultrasound will be in a couple of weeks. We should see a very clear heartbeat (I'm thinking Mark and I should be able to identify it) and maybe arms and legs! I'm excited for that one. I just want to get through this scary first tri stuff!

Thank you to those of you out there who already knew most of this, and were praying for us. Your prayers were appreciated and effective!

Major Praise!!

I had another beta hcg test today. Monday's level was 333. For today we needed to see a minimum of 650-ish, but we were hoping for more in the 1000 range. Oh me of little faith was just expecting the 600's, but God amazed me once again.

My hcg today was 1236!! I'm in awe. So much more than I hoped for. We were praying for at least 1000.No more beta tests now. Next step is an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. She gave me a due date of July 14. I had already figured that, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

I pulled out my work calendar, and compared the beta numbers from my previous pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage. My hcg was 59 at the same time that now it is 1236. Thankfully we're way ahead of that.

Thank you to all of you who pray for us!

What a difference a week makes...

I haven't updated in awhile, and this is LONG one... so skip to the picture now if you don't want to read it! :)

The long version:

We had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with donor embryos (known to those in favor of embryonic stem cell research as "medical waste" - but that's a rant for another day) on October 24th. My first blood test (beta hcg) was on November 1, 8 days past transfer. My blood tests are almost always same day results. They warned me ahead of time that this wouldn't be. I had a repeat test on Monday, November 3. They said they would compare both results and give them to me at the same time. I was talking to someone that day and telling them I think this is a great idea if it's positive, but if it's negative, I think it's more hurtful. It's an unnecessary stick with the needle, and dragging things out longer than necessary. Oh how little I know!

I took the day off work Monday the 3rd. I didn't want to be anticipating the phone call all day while at work. The other side of that is with our last transfer I had an all out temper tantrum when I got the a negative result. Best not to be kicking, screaming and bawling at work. Call me crazy!

I went to the hospital lab right shortly after they opened at 7:00 am. I had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests over the weekend and they were negative. I was pretty sure that it was negative. And already trying to figure out where we could get the money to do another transfer next year. Barb, the lady who draws my blood most of the time is so sweet! I know she prays for me when she does the draw. (As a side note, it was a different lady who did my blood draw on Saturday the 1st, and she prayed for me too, and I didn't know her! Isn't it cool how God puts people in our paths!?) I asked Barb how long it usually takes for them to send the results to my doctor's office, she said they are typically done within the hour. So I decided to go to work for an hour. I knew it was going to be a crazy busy day for them being short handed. Then I went home to wait. Lunchtime came and Mark asked if I'd heard anything yet. Nope :( He asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test. I told him no, why waste it? But then I got impatient, so I decided to go pee on a stick. We got the wrong pregnancy test, and these were to be used after the first day of a missed period (some can be used as early as 4 days earlier). It showed negative really quick. I tucked it under the counter because I'd told Mark I wasn't going to waste it.

Mark returned to work for the afternoon, and I continued my wait. I went to retrieve the home pregnancy test from under the counter. I took one last glance before I tossed it in the trash. To my great surprise, there was the faintest second line. It was one that I had to look at it in a bright light, and at the right angle, and kind of squint just right. But there appeared to be something there. The only problem with this is results are only reliable if read in the first 10 minutes. So it could have been an what's called an evap line. So I grabbed my phone and my purse and headed out to the nearest grocery store. I didn't like their selection, and they were SO expensive. I really wanted an EPT, or First Response Early Response. So I decided to head across town to Target.

I decided to splurge on an EPT digital. I thought about it, and couldn't decide if I had 5 seconds worth of pee in me, and I couldn't wait ANY longer to take this test. So I grabbed a package of paper cups, went through the checkout and headed to the bathroom. Yes, I'm admitting this. you read correctly. I took my home pregnancy test in the bathroom at Target. I was correct, I didn't have 5 seconds worth of pee, so I'm glad I used the cup. I sat there while the little digital screen flashed a little hour glass for what seemed like an eternity. I'm sure it was only a couple of minutes. This is what I saw:

It's a blurry picture taken with my cellphone, and have no fear, I didn't take it in the bathroom, it was in my car right after I left the bathroom, but it says PREGNANT!!

I decided to go get a Cherry Limeaide from Sonic and take it to Mark. I took the drink in to Mark at work. He asked if I'd gotten the call yet. I told him no. So at this point he thought the drink was the only reason I was there. He walked me out to my car like he normally does, and when we got to the car I pulled the test out of my pocket. I was so excited to tell him. While we were there in the parking lot I got the call. It was a mixed bag as far as the results go. Saturday's result was an hcg level of 2. Anything under 5 is considered not pregnant. Monday's result was 29! That's a great increase in just 2 days, but we are off to a low and slow start. I was glad for a positive, but it reminded me so much of my low and slow betas with Gabe when that lead to a miscarriage. Oh, and that part I mentioned earlier about not liking how they did the 2 draws before giving me results. They know more than I. Because if we went off the first results it would have been considered negative, and I would have stopped taking my meds, which in my opinion, would have meant a certain miscarriage. But the second results were a certain positive.

Since then I've had 2 more betas. At this stage of pregnancy, hcg levels should double AT LEAST every 48 to 72 hours. My test on Wednesday was 51. So not quite a double, but within range. I had another today, and it increased to 333! That calculates to doubling every 44.3 hour since the previous test. The total hcg is still on the low end of the spectrum for where it should be at this stage, but it's increasing appropriately. I will have another draw later this week, and we need to see at least 600 then, but we are hoping for closer to 1000. 1000 would send me over the moon!

What a difference a week makes. Last week I was sure it was negative, today the outlook is so much different! We are excited and hoping and praying this is our take-home baby(babies).

Hello big cruel world

Well, I left the safety of my cozy home today to go back into the big cruel world. No more bedrest, it was back to work today. I did good. I followed directions. I didn't lift anything I shouldn't. I was pooped when I got home even though work wasn't terribly busy. I need to venture out to Walmart. I can't decide if I should do it tonight or another night.... hmmmm..... the big decisions in life!

No news is good news

Well, I'm taking the "no news is good news" approach. I went in for my blood work at 7 am this morning, the results were to be STAT. My clinic only calls on blood work if there is a problem, and the doses need to be changed. I called the pharmacy today and they said they were sorry about the outdated medication, and they would mix up some new ones for me. These don't expire until April. MUCH better! I've had some cramping today. Not sure if that's good bad, or gas ;) I've been enjoying taco soup this week.

My mom brought over dinner today and cleaned the kitchen. I thought she was just going to load the dishwasher. She did more, and I'm embarrassed. My stove looks great!

Pictures

Human Life, in it's nearly smallest form! These are day 3 embryos. I'm not sure exactly how many cells they have, but aren't they beautiful. Two cells join, become one, and then quickly begin the process of dividing. This is a picture of the embryos that were placed inside me on Friday. These are our babies!! The ultrasound picture is them being placed. It's surreal watching the ultrasound screen as the tube is guided into position. The little bright spot in the middle of he screen is where they were placed. The big black area at the top is my VERY FULL bladder!

Prayer request

Please pray for my progesterone levels. I will have a blood test tomorrow to make sure everything is OK. I have been on progesterone in oil injections since Tuesday. I'm not concerned about that (other than they hurt and leave bruises). The day of transfer I started another form of progesterone. Because this blog may be read by mixed company, I won't say exactly how the progesterone is administered, I'll tell you it isn't by shot or by mouth, and leave the rest to your imagination, and that should get you in the ball park. Anyway, this other form of progesterone comes from a local compounding pharmacy. Meaning they mix up the medication there at their pharmacy. I picked up all of my medications at the beginning of this cycle, on September 30. I didn't need all of the medications at that time, but I just wanted to save myself several trips to the pharmacy. So Friday night I went to use the progesterone. The box is labeled to discard after 10/20/08! OH NO! This is on 10/24 that I discovered it. I called the pharmacy the next day. (Oh, I should mention, I filled this from the prescription written on 10/24/07 in preparation for our previous FET, so I can't even get a refill). The pharmacist tells me the labels are computer generated, and the mediation should be fine. I called the clinic and talked to an on call Nurse Practitioner. She said the medication should be fine, but for peace of mind she called in a new prescription. I sent Mark to pick it up. He brings it home, hands it to me for verification. This one says.... get this.... "Discard after 8/15/08" I'm furious. How hard it this? I've never had trouble with this pharmacy before. Then I realized, I can't be furious. I'm not allowed. I'm on vacation. I'm on the beach. I'm chillin. I'm making a happy place for babies. But for crying out loud!

My required bed rest is 2-4 days. I'll be up more than I'd like to be tomorrow. Please pray my blood work comes back just right. And that none of this causes any problems with the babies. There is a lot of time, effort, emotion, energy, money, not to mention HUMAN LIVES involved here. I don't want any of that in jeopardy because of a stupid expired medication.

We're home....

and I'm on Princess Status. We arrived home several hours ago, but I've been sleeping off the Valium. Everything went beautifully, and we currently have 3 babies on board. He said that on average each one has a 20-25% chance. They thawed one "straw" that had 3 embryos and all of them looked good when they thawed, so that is what we went with for transfer. I'm currently on bed rest for the next several days. Mark is already doing a fantastic job of taking care of me!

We're off to see the wizard....

The wonderful wizard of Oz... Probably not the best title for a post about going to the baby doctor, but here we go. I'd love prayers for the thaw and transfer of our embryos today!

Shampoo, Lather, Rinse, Repeat..

I have been running a million miles per hour this week! Sooooo much to do. The house is about 2/3 put back together after the carpet cleaning. The carpet looks better. I still don't like the carpet, but not much I can do about that right now. At least it's not nasty ;)

It's late Wednesday as I'm writing this. The transfer is Friday. Yes, THIS Friday! As in the day after tomorrow. As in, 37 hours from now. Starting Friday I will be on Princess status. I'll be on bed rest for the first few days. Then I'll take it easy until the beta hcg blood test. I haven't had much time to be excited. I'm actually exhausted!

Monday I was on the go from 7 am to 11 pm. Tuesday was 8 am to 8 pm, then came home and worked on Uppercase Living orders. Today was 8 am to 7 pm, and I worked on a little bit of cooking and then Uppercase Living order. Tomorrow I will only work until about 1 or 2 at my regular job, but I expect more of the same. Shampoo, Lather, Rinse, Repeat... I need to take time for some rest sometime tomorrow. I don't want to feel run completely down when it comes time for transfer!

Thank you those who are praying for us! I really want this to be the one!

More needles!

As if the prescribed needles weren't enough for me over the last week, I added the flu shot, and then on Thursday, I added acupuncture! I hate needles. I should say that. I can't watch anyone give me a shot. I can't watch when they draw blood. The average mother can always bring up labor when their (usually older) child. "I was in labor for x hours with you..." I will be able to bring up needles!

This week we really pick up the pace with this treatment cycle. Yes, that includes more needles. First thing tomorrow I have a blood draw at the local hospital lab. This is to check my estrogen levels, to make sure I am still on an appropriate dose of the Tues/Friday evening shots of estridol valerate. Tuesday morning I will begin daily PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. SO NOT FUN! Tuesday I will also add two more sets of pills to the am/pm cocktail. I believe one is a steroid, and one is an antibiotic. Then Friday is the big day. We will leave bright and early in the morning for Boise. We will arrive at the clinic one hour early, and the acupuncturist I met with earlier this week will be there. He will treat me both before and after the transfer. If this one goes anything like the last, I will sleep all the way home! Good times!

I also have a very busy week other than the treatment cycle. We spent this weekend tearing the house apart to clean, and prepare to have the carpets cleaned on Tuesday. I've got an Uppercase Living Party Monday night, and hopefully 3 different parties to close and send in before Thursday. Oh, and I have to work at my normal job too!

A Winter Wonderland.... in October?

Friday we had a bit of snow during the day, but nothing that really stuck. A bit early for our area, but not unheard of. Saturday morning we woke up to a WHITE yard. Throughout the day it melted off, but was white all over again this morning. I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures!

Needles, needles everywhere!!

Last Tuesday I had my first shot for this cycle. Over the course of this treatment nonsense, Mark has gotten pretty good at the injections. I hardly felt a thing! Friday was a repeat. This one I felt a bit more, but a hot water bottle took care of that. Saturday morning, we decided to bite the bullet and go get our flu shots. We went to the "doc in the box" (walk in doctor's office) right when they opened. We were in and out in less than ten minutes! Not too bad. This one hurt worse than than the rest of my needles for the week. Tomorrow morning I will go to the hospital lab for a blood draw. This will be to check my hormone levels, to see if the dose needs to be adjusted for the injections I'm currently taking. The crazy thing of all of this is we are hoping this is the first week of about... 13 more weeks of injections. If the treatment cycle is successful, I will have to remain on them through the first trimester of pregnancy.

Other than that, I've been keeping myself busy with my Uppercase Living business. I've got quite a few parties going! I'm happy with that. I'm still spending about as much as I'm making, but hopefully I'll start turning a profit. I have a very full calendar this month between doctors appointments and UL Parties. Busy is good. Makes the time go by faster!

Here we go again!

I was going to keep this one quiet, but I'll go ahead and share the secret. We are going to have another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! This month actually. We had a doctor's appointment yesterday to check everything out. We're off and running. Mark gave me my first estriodol injection yesterday. I wish they were all like that. The progesterone is the yucky one.... Oh how I dread it! PIO is bad stuff. But we'll get to that later.

At my appointment yesterday our coordinator Kara threw a curve at us. We have a HUGE decision to make we would love your prayers for guidance. These are human lives we are dealing with, and we want to make sure we are making the right decision!

Happy Birthday Mama Lucy...

Today would have been Mama Lucy's 52nd birthday. She's been gone longer than she was alive. Mama Lucy was my first mom. She is the one who gave me the gift of life. She died when she was just a couple of months shy of 25. I thought about it briefly today but didn't dwell on it. I'm glad. Now reflecting on it tonight I am sad. She was so young. I was so young.
She was younger when she died than I was when I got married. How crazy is that? I wish she could see the person I've grown to be. I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think she would be proud.

Happy Birthday in heaven Mama Lucy. I'm so happy to know that I will see you again someday. Hug my babies for me!

More fun with uppercase living!

My previous post told you all about my new business with Uppercase Living. I got my first order in this week and I've been having fun! Here are some pictures of what we've done with it so far. I've got more to do, and another order coming this week. I'm excited!

Way out of date again!

My blog is way out of date again. What can I say? There are a few small things I could have been updating you about along the way.

First thing. I have started an at-home business. I have joined Uppercase Living as an independent demonstrator. UL is a company that does at-home parties selling vinyl letter and expressions. That description doesn't do it justice. You really have to see the catalog to know what I'm talking about. (My new UL website is http://kinder.uppercaseliving.net- If you find something you'd like, let me know. I can take paypal and have it shipped directly to you if you're not in my area!). I could really go crazy with this stuff. I just received my demonstrators kit this week, and I've been working on getting my stuff together and all organized. As of right now my first party is scheduled for the middle of September. There is another in the works, for September, and room for more. I don't want to become a pushy person with this stuff. The last thing I want is people to dread seeing me coming. But I do hope to make some extra money for "The Human Fund." The name for the Human Fund did come from a particular episode of Seinfeld. But our Human Fund really is for Humans ;) That's what we call our savings for infertility treatments. That brings me to the next update.

We are about half a step closer to doing treatment. I do have a tentative goal of another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! We are still praying, and will accept a closed door if that is what God has for us, but for now we continue to move forward. Finances are still a concern (anyone want some words for their wall?) but I'm confident that if this is what God wants for us, He will provide.

Mark is doing well. He continues to sleep with his CPAP machine. We met with the sleep doctor this week, and were very pleased to find out that bottom number of his blood pressure has gone down 10 in the last month! All this from getting restful sleep at night. Who knew?? I guess I should check my blood pressure. Maybe I'm getting better sleep now too! Seriously I've slept all night each night in our bed. This hasn't happened in YEARS! It really is an exciting thing for me. One of my co-workers said that now that I'm sleeping in the same bed as my husband, maybe I will get pregnant. I hated to explain to this 60 year old woman that it's not the SLEEPING that makes babies. I guess it's been awhile since she had kids at home! Seriously though, I know way about conception than I ever wanted to. It now amazes me how much the fertile world doesn't know about conception.

More glorious sleep!

Well, it's been more than a week since Mark got his CPAP. I heard some noise last night. He was breathing in through his nose (through the mask) and out through his mouth. I got up and adjusted his mask. I don't know if it stopped him breathing through his mouth or not. He at least stopped long enough for me to fall asleep. I've now slept 9 nights in a row in our bedroom with him. This is some kind of crazy record.

I've accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend. Wait, wait, that's not true. I patched 3 pairs of Marks pants. I don't want to go telling stories on him, but he seems to have troubles with his pants at work. They like to rip on him.

In other news, I'd really appreciate your prayers. I've had a serious longing lately to go back for our embryos. I see Asian children, and think. I wonder if that's what our babies could look like. I want to do treatment again, but the finances aren't quite there. But more than that, I don't feel a clear direction. I don't know if this recent stirring in me is just my own fleshly desires, or something from God. I want to know clearly that any steps we take for our family are in His will for us. The treatment process is far too much of an physical, emotional, and financial investment to do on my own. Not to mention that we are dealing with real human lives here.

Guess who is playing in our back yard!

OK, so maybe not IN our back yard, but above it, and the surrounding area. It's the Blue Angels! There's an air show going on this weekend at an airport about 4 miles from our house. When the Blue Angels started roaring above the house, Lady and I went outside to watch. They went right over us several times.

These were pictures from yesterday. They are just getting ready to take to the sky for today's show right now.

Sleep. It's a beautiful thing!

Sleep. It's a beautiful thing! I have just awaken from my second, yes second full night of sleep in the same room as my husband. To the average married person, this may seem trivial. But I think it's probably been a year or two since we've slept two full nights in our bed together. You may be asking yourself why the sudden change? The sudden change is my new best friend. It's called CPAP. You probably didn't read that correct. It doesn't say CRAP. It's CPAP. CPAP is an acronym, and stands for Constant Positive Airway Pressure. It's a small mask that Mark straps to his face. It covers his nose, and has a hose attached to it that connects to a machine next to the bed. There are several different machines. His has a heater and humidifier, as well as the standard air. Hi.s machine also has a "ramp" feature. This is probably the most important feature for him right now. It takes some getting used to, having a mask blowing air down your throat! So when he turns it on, he can press the ramp button, and this allows the air pressure to start at 1/2 of his prescribed pressure, and gradually increase to the correct pressure over about 20 minutes. This makes it easier for him to fall asleep. He hasn't had any troubles at all. He took the mask off once while he was asleep. I was awakened by the snoring, I could tell he was back to the same old pauses in breathing, so I reached over and felt his face. That answered the questions. I woke him up and helped him get it back on. As long as he has the mask on, it has virtually eliminated his snoring!


This may make it sound like it's more for me than him. I will admit I'm reaping the benefits of this machine. But Mark is as well. He wakes in the morning feeling more rested. He has more energy throughout the day. He is just feeling better!


Mark had two different sleep studies. The first diagnosed that he did in fact have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I explained exactly what OSA is in a previous post. The second sleep study was called a CPAP Titration. That night they hooked up all the same wires and monitors to him as the first sleep study. But this time they also hooked up a CPAP machine. Throughout the night, the tech adjusted the pressure on the CPAP to find out exactly what pressure he needed to eliminate the apnea events.


For those who like visuals:

This first image shows a few minutes of his first sleep study. The biggest thing I noticed on this is his airflow. When it's flat, he's not getting breath. Then he takes in about two breaths, and then no breath. This repeats over and over again. Keeping the airflow line in mind, look above at all of the other lines in the top half. Just before he breathes, he has increased activity. This is his brain waking him up enough to make him breathe again. At this particular time his oxygen level was 89.1 (but eventually got down to 75) his pulse was 68.4, and he was in stage 2 sleep.

With his second night, the CPAP flow replaces the airflow. With a consistent air supply coming in, everything else seems more consistent. His oxygen level is 95, his pulse is 73.4 and he is in a deeper stage 3 sleep.

Looking at this on a chart was amazing to me to see how much of an improvement this was for him!

EEK! It's been awhile

It's been awhile since my last post. Man I'm getting bad at this. About the only thing to report is my wonderful husband does in fact have sleep apnea. I've suspected it for quite awhile. I had him scheduled for a sleep study a couple of years ago, but he backed out. I finally convinced him to go through with it. I handled all the details. It was definitely a stretch from his comfort zone. It wasn't nearly as scary as he thought it would be. I drove him there, and stayed while they hooked him up. I think there were probably about 20 wires connected to him. I laid in bed with him and watched tv for about an hour. Then I drove home and spent the first full night in our bed, in at least 6 months! I normally start in our bed, and then sometime during the night, the snoring gets to me, so Lady and I head to the other side of the house. The night of his sleep study, I spent the whole night in our bed, but still woke up several times. Can't sleep with him, can't sleep without him.

For those of you wondering just what sleep apnea is, here's the short version: Obstructive sleep apnea is a sleep disorder where the soft tissue in the throat relaxes enough to collapse, either partially or completely closing off the airway. The body continues trying to breathe, but as the oxygen level decreases, the brain sends signal to wake up the body enough to open the airway again. This means sleep is not restful. The body does not have time to recuperate as it was created to do. The stress that this puts on the body can lead to a host of terrible things, heart conditions, stroke, etc. Not to mention the stuff that comes from just being tired; irritability, falling asleep at inappropriate times or inappropriate places, work accidents, etc.

The standard definition of any apneic event includes a minimum 10 second interval between breaths, with either a neurological arousal (a 3-second or greater shift in EEG frequency, measured at C3, C4, O1, or O2), a blood oxygen desaturation of 3-4% or greater, or both arousal and desaturation. Sleep apnea is diagnosed with an overnight sleep test called a polysomnogram. Clinically significant levels of sleep apnea are defined as five or more episodes per hour of any type of apnea (from the polysomnogram).

The night of his sleep study, he went to bed at about 11:00 and woke at about 5:30. This is fairly normal for him. During this time frame, he had partial to total airway obstruction an average of 41.4 times per hour. He had full obstruction 221 times throughout the night. A healthy oxygen level is around 90% - His got down to 75%.

This is freaky stuff! I knew he probably had it. But I was thinking he had stopped breathing once in awhile. I've heard him gasp and sputter from time to time. I had no idea it was this bad.

So they give us this information, and then tell us we have to wait 5 weeks for an opening for another sleep study so they can fix the problem! That's nuts I tell ya. I asked that they put us on a waiting list for any cancellation appointments. She explained to me that he's been sleeping like this for years. It's just to protect his future health.

Luckily there was a cancellation, and he's been moved up another 2 weeks. So he will have another sleep study called a titration. This is where he will be sleeping with a CPAP machine (Constant Positive Airway Pressure). They will set the pressure of the machine so that it's enough to keep his airway open. He currently has a practice machine to get used to breathing with it. It's an adjustment. I put it on for a few minutes myself. It feels like the wind is blowing in your face. He's just supposed to wear it for 15-20 minutes each day to get himself used to it. The last couple of nights he's been ready for bed, so I've let him sleep for a little bit with it (even though we don't have instructions to do so). I figure I'm here next to him, so I can see if there is a problem. He's sleeping so peacefully right now, and sooooo quietly! Still snoring a bit, but nothing like the normal chainsaw!

I really hope getting on a CPAP machine will allow him to get truly restful sleep in the near future!

Liquified worm poop. What the? Who does this? I don't envy that job.

Bolthouse Farms

Just this weekend, I learned of a company called Bolthouse Farms. I live in small town Idaho, and have to actually put forth an effort to look for the type of all natural products (primarily juices/smoothies and salad dressings) this company sells. To be honest, I usually don't even try. However when I read of them this weekend, I decided to seek out a store in my area that carried their products. The reason I did this is because of a boycott being organized against their products by Liberal Gay Activists. To quote their website, they are unhappy with the fact that:

"William Bolthouse, founder and 43% owner of Bolthouse Farms, a farm in California that provides organic juices, lemonades, and smoothies to places like Whole Foods and other organic market places, has just recently given a donation of $100,000 to proponents of a campaign to strip California couples of the right to marry. "

So I went to the Bolthouse Farms Website and read their mission statement. I will quote the beginning of their mission philosophy.

Corporate Philosophy - The purpose of this Company is to glorify God through our business transactions, our work, and our relationships. It is further our desire to bring honor and glory to the Name of Jesus Christ by following God's Word in all of our dealings with employees, suppliers, and customers. God's Work as contained in His Inspired Scriptures will be the final authority in all Corporate matters concerning direction, decisions, and disputes.

As soon as I read this, I was sold. It's such a rare gem to find this a company these days, in a world where it is so politically incorrect to bring religious faith into the workplace, and market place. I will (and did today) go out of my way to support a company like this. You see, I'm a Conservative Christian. The gay activists can call for a boycott, and they are just standing up for their rights, but for a conservative Christian to call for support for this company, that means I'm considered a bigot. As I said before, I just learned of this company. I have nothing to gain financially by calling other people to support them. I just want to stand up for a company that is doing what is right!

I went to the Bolthouse Farms Store Locator and found some stores in my area (Winco, Wal-Mart, and Albertsons), and set out in search of their products. I will admit, they cost more than I would normally spend on juice (I guess most all natural products are). However I'm happy to spend my money on this. After buying a couple of bottles of smoothies, and a bottle of salad dressing, we headed to Costco to finish up the rest of our shopping, and stumbled upon more Bolthouse Juice products. I happily purchased them as well. All that we got tasted very good. Here is what one shelf of our fridge looks like today. Mark really liked the Perfectly Protein Vanilla Chai. I liked the C-Boost Tropical Fruit Smoothie.

Soooooo, if you are in the market for some all natural juices, smoothies, or lower fat, lower calorie salad dressing, please consider supporting this company that is really willing to put their money where their mouth is!

Whew, I'm tired!

I've had the sleepies lately. Don't know what my malfunction is. It's always something with me isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I started noticing some lumps in my neck. They are lymph nodes. I had 3 that were very enlarged. They were causing quite a bit of discomfort, and a hummer of a headache. I called my family doctor's office. I couldn't get an appointment to see him for another week. I had a worried hubby and mom, so I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner, for the next day. I took the time off of work, and drove the 20 minutes to arrive at the doctors office 5 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I sat in the waiting room, and I sat there and sat there. 40 minutes later I was taken to a children's exam room. The only reading material in the room was kids books and pregnancy magazines. I was left in the exam room another 20 minutes. The NP came in. She acknowledged the wait, but didn't apologize. I wanted to throw a fit, but I maintained my composure. I told her what was going on, she felt, said they were enlarged lymph nodes, gave me some antibiotics and said if it didn't clear up in 4 weeks to call back. I won't be calling her back thank you very much. I'll go to the-dock-in-the-box a mile from my office for a wait like that. At least I expect to wait when I go there, since they don't accept appointments.

The lumps are still there, but thankfully have gone down a lot. A bad experience like that just makes me like my doctor even more. I don't mind waiting for him, because once I see him, I get his attention for as long as I need. He's a great doctor. He and his nurse sat with me for nearly an hour as I cried during my annual exam after our miscarriage. That's not common in this day and age of rush rush rush.

I think the biggest part of my sleepies today was from sitting in the sun for 4 hours at the fairgrounds. I work for a natural gas company, and my company hosted a "gas rodeo" today.



If you want to know what I'm referring to by "gas rodeo" there's a video
We had the exact same events today at our rodeo. The winning team from my company will go to a national competition. They did things like picking up an egg with a backhoe without breaking it. It was fun. It was hot! We had a BBQ afterwards. Poor Mark got bored, but he did get good hubby points for going! While we were there, we saw our nephews who were showing their pigs at a different event at the same fair grounds. Lots of fun today! I guess now that it's 11:00 pm, I have a right to be tired.... (we just won't talk about the 2 hour nap this afternoon) :)

What can I say

Well, What can I say for myself? I'm slow, and lack motivation. Last weekend, I started modifying my blog with great hopes of a full overhaul. A week later, I haven't done anything else, except for leave it nearly impossible to read. So I'm going to change back to a default blogger template. They are boring but readable. I can then work on some graphics and other stuff, while you can still read this stuff!

Thanks for your patience

An Apology

I just wanted to post a quick apology. I'm playing around with some updating on my blog. Until I get the bugs worked out, this make things difficult to read or access for a little while. I have no idea how long it's going to take me! I really don't even know what I want :) So I guess that complicates things. That and the fact that it's been years since I've done written HTML, and I've pretty much forgotten everything! I'm borrowing code, and reading up on how to make the changes I want to! Thanks for your patience!

Who does this stuff?

I know my blog is nothing too exciting. As the sub-title says, it's just my daily nonsense.... and not even daily at that anymore. My blog isn't too exciting, because my life isn't too exciting. And truthfully, sometimes that's really best. So we've established, it's none-too-exciting, but I do have a handful of faithful readers. How does know you ask might ask yourself, as there are rarely comments. I have a hidden counter, and stat tracker on this blog. It captures benign information about your visit here, like how you got here (if from a link, etc) what page you were on when you left, date and time of visit, your ISP, city and state of your ISP, etc. I check this information from time to time, and I'm often surprised at how regularly some of you visit, even when my posts have been sparse. I'm honored that you want a window into my life. I actually had a blog (not this blog) long before they were called blogs, and were so cool! It was about 10 years ago, and I wrote all the html code myself, but I digress.

Back to the comments. I got a spammed comment to my previous blog post. OUCH, it was like a slap in the face, or a kick in the gut. There I was, having an emotional night, and pouring my heart out into my post, and someone spams that post out of all of them! Why couldn't it have been a silly scrap booking post or something like that? It was a post about how children are a gift from God and I should go enter their picture for some scholarship drawing, or something stupid like that. For this reason I have changed my settings to require you to type in some verification letters before leaving a post. I don't want to require a log-in at this point. That might come later if the spam becomes a problem. Hopefully this was an isolated event. Most of the time it wouldn't have bothered me a bit. But really, who does this stuff?

And about that post... I'm doing better now. It's those hills and valleys.

In the way of excitement today, Mark and I drove around for a "Parade of Homes" put on by the local builders association. They were all homes WAY out of our league, but it was fun to see them, and get ideas for things we'd like to incorporate in our home, or future home. The most expensive home we saw was about 6 times the value of our current home. One house had a master closet that was about the size of our current bedroom. It was CRAZY! Another home had a beautiful courtyard and all kinds of bells and whistles. It was fun to daydream, but my feet are tired!

Pressed but not crushed...

This journey of life is not always an easy one. It was never promised to be. I have noticed with myself that I have hills and valleys. Right now seems to be a valley. It's quiet here. I feel alone, but I know I'm not.

It's been 15 months since our baby, Gabe, went to be with Jesus. He was with such a short time. I never held him in my arms. Only in my womb for four precious weeks. I don't even know when when he left us. For that matter, I don't even know he was a he. But I need for our baby to have an identity. How can someone be with us for such a short time, yet forever change the shape of my heart?

It's been 15 months, how can I still be so broken? I want to be fixed. I should be "over" this by now. But with our baby's death, also came the death of all I had hoped and dreamed for my child for the many years we have been trying to conceive. I almost didn't go for my beta (blood pregnancy test) that month. I truly didn't believe I was pregnant. I was prepared for another let down. But the nurse called and told me it was positive. She was guarded, it didn't look good even then, but I allowed myself to hope. This was the miracle we had been praying for. I know that our baby is no less of a miracle now just because he's not with us. That doesn't take away the hurt.

Also not to be discounted are the three precious babies who we received through embryo adoption who went to be with Jesus in January. My body seems to be a tomb.

We have been trying for a baby for 5 years now. I have so many emotions swirling in me right now, but I need to remind myself of this truth:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

God has a very real purpose for this season in my life. I want to thank God for a lady I've never met named Angie (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/), who will probably never see this blog. Her heart breaking experience, and keen ear for what God has to say to her brought me back to this truth. I sat here in my recliner tonight having my pity party for one, and looked at her blog, and ended up having a very real experience with God, like (very sadly) I haven't had in quite awhile.

My post today is such a hodge-podge of emotions. But what can I say folks, this is where I'm at.

Digital Scrapping

I really haven't had much to say lately. I've been a bad blogger! I've done quite a bit of digital scrap booking. I finished our vacation scrapbook and had it printed. I'm quite happy with the results. I ordered it from an online scrap booking company that printed it and bound it as an actual book. I've had quite a number of complements on it, so I guess I'm correct to be pleased with it. In addition to that, I was hired by a co-worker to do a scrapbook of her family reunion last year. She's giving it to her mom next week. I can't wait to hear what she thinks of it. I really enjoy the digital scrap booking. So this "for hire" project gave me some great practice, some new learning, and a bit of money to boot! So that's pretty exciting. Then this last week I did another project for a friend. Her son is "special person of the week" at his preschool. So I did 6 pages for her that will be on the bulletin board at his preschool. I would love to share these projects with you, but since they are not mine, I probably shouldn't, but I can share with you a couple of other small projects I've done.

This is what I gave my mom for Mother's Day. At one point, when talking to someone about my history I said something about "my mom." They said, "You mean your 'real mom'..." That comment REALLY irritates me. They are both my 'real mom.' So I explained to them, one is no more important to who I have become than the other. I have two moms. One who gave me life, and one who taught me what to do with it. So I decided to pass that little bit onto my mom, and what better time to tell her thanks that way than Mother's Day?

These next pages aren't from my pictures, but they are family, so I will share. This is my mom and dad. As I was looking through boxes of family pictures at my parents house last month, I came across several wedding pictures loose in the box. None of them were together, they were just mixed in with all of the other pictures. I decided to put them together in a small album for my parents for their 41st anniversary. My mom called and asked if they could take Mark and I out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary and ours.

(Yikes, side note... I've been such a bad blogger I didn't even mention that a few weeks ago Mark and I celebrated our 5th anniversary!)

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

For the married women who desire to have children and cannot. Also, for the
single women who desire children yet are getting weary waiting on a spouse. God
understands your situation and we care. “In the name of Jesus, we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your heart and give you peace and that our Father God
would grant you your petition. Amen.” (1 Samuel 1:2-17)

For the single mom. God understands your challenge and we care. “In the
name of Jesus, we ask that the grace of God will sustain you, the wisdom of God
lead you, the love of God encompass you, and the provisions of God overtake you.
Amen.” (Philipians 4:13)

For the moms with a child who has chosen a destructive lifestyle and is in
a physical or spiritual prison. God understands your concern and we care. “In
the name of Jesus, we ask that the Holy Spirit would convict them of sin. We ask
for the perfect laborers to cross their path. We thank God for their salvation,
deliverance and restoration. Amen.” (Proverbs 11:21)

For all the moms who experience grief on Mothers Day because of
miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or a childs death outside the womb. For all
those men and women who experience grief on Mothers Day because of the loss of
their mom. God understands and we care. “In the name of Jesus we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your hearts and give you peace. Jesus bore your grief
so you don’t have to. Jesus we thank you for removing the grief and healing the
heart. Amen” (Isaiah 53:4)

In the name of Jesus we pray for all of our mothers on Mothers Day. May God
our Father bless you and strengthen you and encourage you. May your eyes be
opened that you and others may see that your price is far above rubies and may
your children rise up and call you blessed. (Proverbs 31:10-31)”

-Author Unknown

Mother's Day is not an easy day for everyone. While I celebrate the moms in my life today, I grieve the burden of empty arms. Some days the weight of them seems so hard to lift. I have not attended a mother's day service at church for about 4 years. That may seem selfish. It probably is. But it's also self preservation. Leaving a service in tears is just not something I'm up to today. Sitting paralyzed in fear isn't part of my plan either. I will be dreading the part of the service where all moms are asked to stand up? Do I stand? Do I remain seated. If I stand, how do I respond when the oldest and youngest questions are asked? My only children are in heaven. 4 is the known count now. I don't even know how to treat this with my family. For all practical purposes, we are childless. We hardly ever talk about our losses. So last night at a family dinner when my dad announced that the mothers were to go through the line first to get their food, there I was, paralyzed. It was easier to remain seated. Good thing it was bright and sunny yesterday, because the tears welled up in my eyes. In my plan for my life, I would have a 6 month old baby in my arms right now. Thankfully my sister went and got a plate and handed it to me, and told me to go get my food, and my teenage nephews didn't argue that I was able to get my food before them.

Mark doesn't always know how to handle me. He doesn't want to make me cry. So this year he asked me straight up, if I wanted something for Mother's Day. In the end, he got me a card and some chocolates. I think that was perfect (even if he does eat a portion of the chocolates :) ) The card was sweet, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have a brother in law who buried his mom this week. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, but you are in my prayers today as well. All of that rambling to say, my prayer is not only for those who celebrate today, but also for those that grieve today as well. Please remember the people in your life who might be quietly grieving today as well.

Even more!

Today's entry