Difficult Anniversaries

One year ago today was a Monday. I woke up early. I had to go to the hospital lab and have blood drawn for a beta hcg blood test (aka blood pregnancy test). It was a mere formality. Something my clinic has all of their patients do at the conclusion of a treatment cycle. I had already done a home pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. I almost skipped out on the blood draw, but I did it anyways. I went to work after the blood draw. On my way home for lunch, I talked on the phone with Mark. I couldn't see how we could afford to do another treatment cycle anytime soon. Maybe we just needed to focus on other things. We both cold stand to lose some weight. That was the sum of the conversation. While I was at home, just as I was getting ready to head back to work. My cellphone rang. It was a nurse, calling to tell me they had the results of my blood work. My hcg was 9. 9 is a positive in some ways. But not a very solid one. She told me there was cause for concern of a tubal pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. She knew then that there was very little chance for our baby. I was pregnant. I was a mom. What I had wanted for so long was here. I should have felt joy. Instead I felt numb. I didn't get a chance to feel that joy. When we told people of the pregnancy, it was always tempered with "but pray... they say it doesn't look good." I remember so many details of that day...

This journey has many hills and valleys. Right now I seem to be in a poorly lit valley. I told a friend this a couple of days ago. This morning it came to me... You don't go from a valley to a hill without a little climbing. I can't just expect to magically appear on the hilltop. I really don't know what's next for us. I wish I do. I hate not having a plan. I fill like I'm sitting on my hands here. Add into the mix difficult anniversaries... makes for some tough days. I'm trying to keep busy. That helps. What helps more is the prayers so many people are praying for us. Thank you all! Please, please, keep em coming.

Bad blogger

I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger. Over the years so much of my identity has become wrapped up in our infertility. So when we aren't actively doing something to increase our chances of expanding our family, I feel like I don't have much worth saying. I know that is not true, but it is how I feel. God has been working on my heart during this quiet time. There are so many things I don't know how to share right now. Maybe it's supposed to be kept to myself, I don't know.

I'm hoping we will be able to do one more frozen embryo transfer. Right now the money just isn't there. I was really hoping our income tax refund would do the trick. Then Mark had to take his car to the shop. Guess who is getting our income tax refund now. I remind myself that this isn't taking God by surprise. If this is something He wants for us to do, He will provide.

In other news, I've taken to digital scrapbooking. I'm really enjoying it. I got the software for my birthday. The cost for printing these books adds up, so now I've also started a couple of projects at the request of other people. I get to create them, and someone else gets to pay for it! At least it's something to occupy my time!

Right now I would ask for continued prayers for God's direction, and if it is His will that we continue treatment, and bring the last of our embies home, that He would provide the finances for it.

Ministry

I've been quiet for awhile. I don't know what to say. It's been a time of grieving and processing. I wish I knew what comes next. I don't. However one beautiful thing is that I've been able to spend some time e-mailing back and forth with a friend of my sister's friend. I have never met her before, but I've been talking her through the embryo adoption process, and all of the emotional aspects involved as well. Talking to her about embryo adoption has been such an amazing help to me. It brings an answer to my "Why?" questions. I've helped bring about more awareness of embryo adoption. This lady knew of the option. She heard about it at our clinic. (Since she is in Idaho, she goes to the same clinic as I.) But she said for the first time, after talking things through with me, she's starting to feel excited about the possibility. I had asked God to use me to minister to others and educate them about embryo adoption. When I was asking, I was sure that I'd be ministering with a baby in my arms. "His ways are not my ways."

All in all, I've gotta say that I'm doing well. I've had my emotional days, but at least this week they haven't been every day. They've spaced out a bit. Thank you all for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. We sure need direction. I wish the spell check worked in this thing!

Continuing to deal

This last week has been a lot of ups and downs. I've asked God lots of questions. I haven't heard many answers yet. But sometimes the answers just aren't for us to know right now. I have no doubt God can use this for His glory. That doesn't make the journey any less painful. It just makes the pain more meaningful.

Friday was my 30th birthday. When we scheduled our transfer, I imagined telling our families of a pregnancy for my birthday, instead I got a very tangible reminder that I was in fact not pregnant. You can use your imagination with that one. OUCH! In Mark's words "Your body sure knows how to treat a lady." I kept it together throughout the day just fine, but at the end of the day, I had to let it break free. While chatting with some dear friends online I did. A sobbing bawling fit. Being 30 and childless was never in my plan. It's hard to let go of our own plans for our lives.

I don't know what is next for us. For now we will sit tight and listen for direction. We can force things to happen, but if it's not God's will, I have no doubt it will bring more pain. The desire of my heart is to give the rest of our embryos a chance at life. I must surrender their lives to God though. They aren't mine. He is the giver of life. He knows their future. We would love your prayers for direction. And I need to shut up and listen for it!