Healing

My tush has begun the healing process, unfortunately I think my heart is a ways behind. For those who have not done intensive fertility treatments. Let me just give you a peek. Over the last month of this process my back side had at least 25 needle in it. In addition to that, I had 7 blood draws. That's a whole lot of needle sticks. Three of the blood draws were this last week. I have some bruising on my arm from this. My back side is a bit more unfortunate. We had a couple of injection issues this week. One was an injection site reaction that was feared to be infection. I had to go to the doctor to be checked out. To make things a little easier I went to my local family doctor. He's such a sweet sweet man. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. Then he asked how I was really doing, emotionally was more his concern. Of course that brought on the water works. This was the day before my beta, but even then I was fearing the worse.

So the healing begins. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. I am a very blessed person. I know this. There aren't many things that I truly want that I don't have. Mark has been asking me for weeks what I want for my birthday. My mom asked me the same question the other day. I don't know what to tell them. There's not an easy (legal) way for either of them to get me a baby. I want to be content with what I have. Great, here comes the tears again. I guess I better go remove the counter on the side of the page now....

Sad news...

My blood test was today. I am heartbroken to share with you, our friends and family following our journey, that our three precious embryos did not make it. My pregnancy test this morning was negative. Our hope was to give these tiny humans a chance at life. We are struggling to see what God has for us to learn through this, as we grieve this loss. We now have four children waiting for us in heaven. We do still have four frozen from the same group as this last transfer. Unfortunately, I don't see a clear direction in paying for another transfer. We are back to seeking God's direction.

I would not be truthful if said I haven't questioned God today. I have kicked and screamed and yelled and and cried. I don't understand. We truly felt God opened these doors for us. We appreciate your continued prayers.

Back to the real world

Tomorrow I head back to the real world. I've been able to stay home for the better part of a week. I've left the house once since our transfer 5 days ago. Tomorrow it's time to go back to work. While I don't particularly enjoy laying in bed for days on end, I'm not terribly excited to go back to work either. I'm thinking this should be a fairly slow work week. But I have to dive in for a full 5 days. I haven't had too many of those since before Christmas! Hopefully the time will pass quickly until the blood test to determine if I'm pregnant. I caved and did a home pregnancy test. I sooooo wish I had not. It's far to early for a test to be reliable, and all it did was discourage me. I want so badly for this to be a successful pregnancy. I really need to just trust God who opened all of the doors for us to do this procedure. I'd really love to be able to find out at home, instead of a call on my cellphone at work, as has been the case in the past.

Bedrest boredom

I have a whole new respect for women who have to endure months of bed rest. This is nuts! I'm on day 3. I'm allowed to be up for bathroom, bathing and meals. It's not strict bed rest, but they did request I not go to work, and stay in bed as much as possible. I think I've done a pretty good job. Mark has done a great job of taking care of us, and our family has brought some meals over, in addition to the food I had already frozen. Mark says we're eating better now than when I'm up and around. Lady has done a great job of keeping me company. She moves with me from the bed to the recliner and back. I think she is completely enjoying the bed rest.

So far, I've done a bit of reading, played some computer games (difficult when laying down), made 1/2 a scarf with my knifty knitter, watched a whole lot of tv, and slept quite a bit too. Mark has been covering an early shift at work this week, so I've had to wake up early myself so he can give me my morning shot. Speaking of shots....... OUCH! Did I mention something earlier in the week about how the shots weren't so bad. I think I may have mentioned that I would probably be singing a different tune before too long. I was right on that part. It smarts. The progesterone in oil is thick. We warm it before drawing it into the syringe, and that helps thin it out, but it still leaves lovely knots in the muscles for a few days after each shot. So we are rotating the shots around the circles drawn on my behind by the nurse. Other than that, nothing exciting.... just resisting the urge to take a pregnancy test. It's far too early. I know this.

OOPS???

I mentioned it earlier this week, but on Monday I took Lady to Petsmart to be groomed. She has been there, I would guess 8-10 times. Each time, we have been very pleased with the results. They do a bath and brush. As part of the package, they also clean the ears, trim her nails, and trim the hair on her feet and around her bum (also called a sanitary shave). I went to pick her up as soon as they called. She was as excited as always to see me. We went to the register and paid. On our way out of the store, Lady rushed ahead wagging her tail, excited to go for a ride in the car agian.... imagine my surprise when her bum is exposed to me. They didn't trim anything. They shaved her bum bare!! All I could think of when I saw it, was those bare bum monkeys! I've searched the internet, and I'm unable to come up with the name. This picture isn't even really what I was thinking, but you get the idea. Here's my poor pup's butchered bum! She used to have long pretty hair around her tail and legs. I complained, but didn't really get anywhere. They just tried to blend it in a bit better. I'm horrified. Like my dad says though.... the only difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is a couple of weeks...

Do you see a similarity here??

Transfer complete

I have nothing to compare it to, but I think the transfer went very well. When I arrived, they gave me a Valium. Good stuff! Made me loopy, and what I can only imagine was a drunk feeling. After about a half hour, we were led back to the transfer room. The doctor brought this wonderful picture for us. He said there were two "good" embryos and one "fair" embryo. The fair one doesn't have a great chance. He asked if we wanted to transfer all three. Of course we did! We hold true to our belief that these are human beings, and are in no way disposable. Praise the LORD! These three were from the first straw. That's all they had to transfer. That means we have four more that remain frozen and waiting for us. The procedure itself was a bit uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I'd have to say these daily progesterone shots are far worse! I slept most of the way home, so that was wonderful. I have three days of bed rest. I know I'm leaving out details, but my brain is full, and having a hard time getting things out!

I just have to share the picture of our beautiful little ones. I have tears in my eyes looking at them. Look at them. They are little teeny tiny people! They are our children.

Thank you all so much for your prayers today. I don't think we could have asked for things to go any better today!

So now the REAL wait begins. I won't tell you exactly when we will know. We will tell everyone the results of our pregnancy tests as soon as we are ready. It'll be somewhere around a couple of weeks though.

Today is the big day!

For all practical purposes, it's very late Monday night, but the clock says it's Tuesday! Tuesday is the bit day we've been looking to for weeks.

I worked a little more than half a day, and the rest of the day was spent rushing around, taking care of business. I got Lady groomed (and boy is there a story to go with that-for another day though). I did some birthday shopping for a niece who has a birthday later this week. I cleaned and cleaned. I filled the car with gas and had it washed. I loaded Lady's kennel into the car for tomorrow's trip. I think I've done all I'm going to do though. I'm beat. I really did more cleaning than I thought I would. The house isn't completely company clean. But it's respectable. I'm pleased with it. I don't see anything that will drive me nuts sitting here looking at for a few days unable to do anything about!

We really appreciate your prayers today. I'm getting really anxious!

More ambitious than I thought!

Despite feeling like I've been hit by a truck, I've accomplished far more than I thought I would when I woke up yesterday. Still not as much as I originally hoped earlier in the week, but I'm happy with what I got done. We went grocery shopping yesterday. That in itself is exhausting. Then we came home, unloaded the groceries, and I started cooking. Mark got the oil changed in my car, and I kept cooking. I have 4 pans of lasagna in the freezer. They aren't full pans. I chose to do 8x8 pans so it would be enough for one dinner for us, and probably one meal of leftovers. I didn't want us to get sick of it! Then I did 2 batches of meat sauce for spaghetti. This will hopefully help mark with meals while I'm on bed rest. In addition to those meals, my mom will be bringing over taco soup and meat balls for the freezer too. I'm told my oldest sister will be bringing food too. We should be well stocked. If things work out well, I think I could get into this freezer cooking. It really took no more effort to make 4 pans of lasagna than it does to make one. But now when we want one, it will take very little effort.

After the cooking, I got the kitchen really clean. Not quite the top to bottom house cleaning that I had planned for this weekend, but it's a step in the right direction. I'll be going to work for the morning tomorrow, and then I am coming home to finish off some loose ends before the transfer.

I'm already rethinking how easy the progesterone shots were. Today's didn't hurt going in either, but wow, there is a big hard knot in my muscles from both injections. I have a feeling we will quickly run out of real estate on my back side to inject without hitting one of the knots! Oh well, part of the process.

Almost there!

The process intensifies today. We added several new medications to the mix. This morning we started daily progesterone in oil injections. This oil is thicker than the estridol injections we have been doing for a couple of weeks now. For that reason, the needle is larger as well. Not much, but enough that I can feel it! The dose is larger as well, so it takes longer to administer. I have to say though, Mark is doing great with the injections. Only one has really hurt. This morning's injection was no exception. I was really dreading it, and while I'm feeling it a bit now, it's not nearly as bad as I anticipated. I fully realize I just might be singing a different tune after a week or so of these progesterone injections. Today we also added an antibiotic and steroid to the mix for the next 4 days. These are part of the standard protocol at our clinic for Frozen Embryo Transfers. The twice weekly Estridol Valerate injections and the daily Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections will continue through the first trimester of pregnancy. I'm not quite sure how long the baby aspirin will continue. I've heard of some doctors recommending it continue through nearly the entire pregnancy.

As the minutes tick by, we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday's transfer. I had big plans for making and freezing some meals this weekend, and doing a top to bottom cleaning of the house. However, I have caught a case of the creeping crud. There has been a NASTY cold going around work, and I seem to be coming down with it. Because our transfer is coming up so soon, I'm very leery about taking medications, because I don't want them in my system when they put those precious babes inside me that might interfere with their implantation or development. So alas, I'm not sure I will accomplish too much this weekend.

Final Countdown

It's Tuesday. . . (Actually, Tuesday is almost over, I'm tired and ready for bed. But that's beside the point) It's one week until transfer! I'm starting to get some butterflies. I haven't been posting much, because there isn't a whole lot to post.

Mark has been giving me twice weekly estridol shots. Those are on Tuesday and Friday evenings. I have been going for weekly blood draws. Now that the holidays are over, those tests are on Tuesday mornings. I am able to take the lab orders to the local hospital, and the send the results to my clinic in Boise (a couple hours drive away). For that I am so thankful. I can't imagine having to make the trek to Boise for each of these tests!

Our preparation will intensify this weekend as several other medications are introduced into the mix. I'll get into that more as we get closer. I'm also making preparations at work, and home for several days of bed rest following the transfer. I'm had been hoping to do some cooking and freezing to make meals easier. Not so sure that is going to happen. Oh well, thank goodness for the freezer section at Costco, and the Schwans man! :)

In other news, I have a little sign on my desk at work that says "Let it Snow." Most people think I want a snowstorm. It's really just a reminder of our little snowflake babies. We got quite a snowstorm today! 5 and half inches!

LOOK!!! 2 hands...

The real countdown is on! As of yesterday we can count on two hands how many days until our transfer. It is all be coming so real. I believe the kinks and miscommunications have been worked out in our thaw plan. I'm not sure that there was ever a problem, but my coordinator was not there for my lining check, and the other NP's were grossly misinformed. Once this is all over, I might make a complaint. They really sent me in a panic by misinterpreting my coordinators notes. She has added some clarification to her notes, and added a request to call me on the day of transfer if they feel it necessary to thaw more than one straw, so that we can discuss it. The last thing I want in this process is to disregard the value of each individual life. That was a big part of our decision to pursue embryo adoption was to honor life!

Subtle hints

Silent screams for attention? Something tells me it's time to get off the computer? Maybe?


In other news, I had to write a large check to the clinic today to pay for the transfer etc. WOWSA! Makes it all the more real. I got my "To-go sheet" that has all of the instructions to get ready for the transfer.

All went well with the ultrasound. My lining is right on track for a transfer on 1/15. I do have some concerns to work out with the clinic about how many embryos to thaw. I would covet your prayers that this can be worked out in a way that would glorify God and show the very deserved respect for the lives of each of these embryos. The last thing I want to do is lose sight of the things I believe in my pursuit to have a child.