Pressed but not crushed...

This journey of life is not always an easy one. It was never promised to be. I have noticed with myself that I have hills and valleys. Right now seems to be a valley. It's quiet here. I feel alone, but I know I'm not.

It's been 15 months since our baby, Gabe, went to be with Jesus. He was with such a short time. I never held him in my arms. Only in my womb for four precious weeks. I don't even know when when he left us. For that matter, I don't even know he was a he. But I need for our baby to have an identity. How can someone be with us for such a short time, yet forever change the shape of my heart?

It's been 15 months, how can I still be so broken? I want to be fixed. I should be "over" this by now. But with our baby's death, also came the death of all I had hoped and dreamed for my child for the many years we have been trying to conceive. I almost didn't go for my beta (blood pregnancy test) that month. I truly didn't believe I was pregnant. I was prepared for another let down. But the nurse called and told me it was positive. She was guarded, it didn't look good even then, but I allowed myself to hope. This was the miracle we had been praying for. I know that our baby is no less of a miracle now just because he's not with us. That doesn't take away the hurt.

Also not to be discounted are the three precious babies who we received through embryo adoption who went to be with Jesus in January. My body seems to be a tomb.

We have been trying for a baby for 5 years now. I have so many emotions swirling in me right now, but I need to remind myself of this truth:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

God has a very real purpose for this season in my life. I want to thank God for a lady I've never met named Angie (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/), who will probably never see this blog. Her heart breaking experience, and keen ear for what God has to say to her brought me back to this truth. I sat here in my recliner tonight having my pity party for one, and looked at her blog, and ended up having a very real experience with God, like (very sadly) I haven't had in quite awhile.

My post today is such a hodge-podge of emotions. But what can I say folks, this is where I'm at.