I'm not alright...

This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you

I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.

Can I be real here? That's what it's here for, right? I have a dead human being inside me. It's a sobering thought. I no longer have a living little baby I can talk to, or read bible stories to. The soul of this precious child has passed from my body into heaven. Because of the hormone therapy I was on (and the fact that my body has never done much of anything "right"), my body doesn't know yet. So the tiredness an bouts of nausea continue. I admit I've had a very easy pregnancy, if you subtract this past Friday from the equation.

This weekend was spent as normal as possible. We finished up some Christmas shopping Friday. We did some grocery shopping Saturday. I tried to be a bit productive, and did some housework, and wrapped some Christmas gifts. Mark and I exchanged our gifts, as we don't know what the coming days have in store for us. "Normal" has been a sort of distraction. Don't get me wrong. I've grieved. I've cried buckets of tears. But at least I can give my mind a bit of a break, from the constant streaming thoughts that are all over the page, sort of like the content of this blog post.

I must also admit, due to the advise of an online friend who is no stranger to the grief of losing babies, I spent WAAAAAAAAY too many hours playing Animal Crossing on the Wii. I really didn't think I'd like it, so we rented it. Both Mark an I enjoyed it, and while I normally can't justify spending that kind of money on a video game, it will be purchased this week. Thanks Kristina.

And on that random note, with this poor grammar, I must say farewell, time to get ready for work!