Cast my cares... the test

Friday morning while I was at work, I felt something not quite right. So I went to the bathroom. The spotting I have been experiencing all week was no longer spotting. I was now bleeding. I called my clinic right away. I explained the situation to the lady that answered the phone. She transferred me to a nurse's voicemail. About 2 hours later, just after I got back from lunch I got a call back on my cell phone. I took the phone and went into the bathroom as the nurse told me, the bleeding was probably for the best. It's just my body's way of taking care of things. The pregnancy probably only had a 20% chance of being viable with such a slow start. I was absolutely devistated. She was telling me she believes my baby is dead. No matter how much I tried to prepare for this possibiliby. I wasn't at all prepared. I asked about Monday's appointment. She said we could leave it on the books, but we should just see how the weekend goes, and I should call Monday morning and they might just have me go do bloodwork instead of driving to Boise for the ultrasound.

I left the bathroom and went to my supervisors desk. I think I may have still been sobbing. But she was very startled. She asked what was wrong. I told her. She told me to get my things and go. Don't worry about anything else, just go. I got halfway out the door, and had to run back to the bathroom and throw up.

I came home for the rest of the day. My sister came over to sit with me. She tried to get me to go out and do something with her. I just wasn't ready to. I spent a lot of time yesterday in tears. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my baby. It's not time. It's not my time. This is supposed to be a take home baby.

Today was better. I have to make a frequent conscious effort to "cast my cares." I've had tears today, but much fewer. Mark has said several times this is not over yet. We are going to go ahead and go for the ultrasound. I will call them Monday morning as they requested, but I want the ultrasound. I'm still praying for our miracle.

Tomorrow we will go to Boise, and stay overnight in a hotel. We are planning on going out to dinner, and maybe a movie. Mark has some shopping he wants to do as well. Monday we will go to the doctor, and then probably home.

Please please pray for our miracle. I felt a couple of days ago like God was telling me He wanted to show me His miracle in this. I just don't know what miracle He was referring to.