Recovery

I'm happy to report my physical recovery has gone beautifully. If you'd like to know the details of the D&C procedure, and my experience, I'd be happy to share. If I can not use my experiences to help someone else, then it truly is all in vain. I spent a couple of days taking it easy after the D&C, and took the prescribed pain killers. I was back to work on Friday. I'm all but done bleeding. Truthfully, I had only a small amount of spotting for the days following the procedure. I got through today with very little discomfort, and no medication at all.

On the emotional front I think the D&C helped as well. It gave a measure of immediate closure. It didn't solve everything. I'm not "better." I don't know what "better" is. As with our last loss, I expect to eventually find a new type of normal. Little Bella Hope forever changed the shape of my heart, just as Gabe did. I am still having daily emotional melt downs. I know they will eventually spread out a bit. Yesterday it was caused by nausea. I was sitting in my recliner and felt nauseous. I had very little morning sickness in my pregnancy. I was very fortunate, but I was also thankful when I felt nausea. It was a reminder to me that I had a miracle growing inside me. Yesterday it made me mad. I was no longer thankful, because it was a reminder that our miracle was gone. Today I cried in church. Praise and worship time in church seems to be a time of heightened emotions for me. Today was no different.

I want a baby. That desire has not left. But I'm terrified to try again. I know I am in the thick of grief, but I don't know if I can do this another time. I don't think I will rest easy in a pregnancy ever again. Time will tell.