OUCH!

I'm sitting in my recliner right now. Nearly every move I make hurts. I ache. I've been working on making some changes in my life. One of those is exercise. For the last week, Mark and I have been exercising every day. Yesterday I kicked things up a notch. I'm really feeling it today. In addition to the traditional exercise, my friend (former roommate) came over to do her taxes, and once we were done, we talked about exercise, and we decided to play some Wii Sports. I think that may be what I'm paying for now. Who knew a video game could make one's body ache?!?!

I'm doing fairly well with all of the anniversary dates this month. I'm sure that this week there will be more tears. This week is THE anniversary date of our pregnancy loss. I don't know what date for sure our precious Gabe passed from this world into heaven, but I do know the date that it was sure in my mind. I'm really hoping that the exercise me to not get too down.

On that happy note, I went to the doctor Friday. It was just an annual exam with my family doctor. I just can't seem to go too many months without putting my feet up in some stirrups. I love my family doctor. He and his nurse are both sooooo kind and caring. It seems that going to see them always brings my emotions to the surface. I bawled through a good portion of the appointment as I often do. He agreed that the exercise is a good thing and very important. When he heard that our FET was not successful, he said "Darn.... Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn!" I know he meant it. While they aren't a part of our treatment protocol, they are still really pulling for us. His Nurse, Laurie, said that she thinks of me every time she talks to her nephew and his wife, as they are in a similar situation. She told me that she really respects me and my strength. I told her I didn't feel very strong (as I said this through tears). She asked if it would be ok if she hugged me. How many nurses would actually do that? I just love them. As I left the office, I looked down at the form to check out. He marked depression. Do you think it was because I cried the whole time? Should I not have done that? Seriously though, I've wondered. Depression isn't something one wants to admit or talk about. But it's there. It's the elephant in the corner. I'm happy that Dr I didn't suggest medication. He's not a doctor that you leave with a prescription each time. However, he does prescribe when necessary. But he never even brought up the word depression during the appointment. I think at this point, he wants to me to go for the exercise. I heard of a recent study that showed a placebo is just as effective as medication for mild-moderate depression. Lifestyle changes have proved to be even more effective. That's what I'm going for. That's not the only reason for the exercise program. It's just a bonus. It's definitely incentive to stick with it.

Currently our treatment plans are on hold. I do hope to do one more FET, but it will be awhile before we are ready for this as a couple. Infertility can really take a toll on a person, and a marriage. It's important that we be in agreement. It's also important to follow God's guidance, and I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not feeling anything. So we wait.

While we wait, I decided to borrow from our treatment fund, cause.... we're going on vacation. I had a whisper in my ear. It was that still, small voice that said "Do you really want to chase after the life you want, while the life you have passes you by?" I don't know if we will ever be able to treatment again. It's not up to us. So why not borrow some of it to enjoy some time with my husband, and have an early 5th anniversary celebration! (We aren't able to go away in May for our actual anniversary because of Mark's job.) So next month we are going to San Diego. We will meet a dear friend from Hannah's Prayer, and go to Sea World and a few other places. It started out as something just I wanted to do, but now Mark is just as excited as I am!