Blogging absensce

I've been absent from the blogging world. If I still have any readers that aren't in my day to day life, last you knew we were awaiting the results of our Frozen Embryo Transfer. It was negative. It was heart breaking. It has been very difficult to grasp. We have exhausted ourselves with medical treatments. I can't say that we are done on that road forever. But I can say we are done for now. This is hard to grasp. It's hard to be "done." Working towards something been a way for me to cope with infertility. I have a hard time sitting still. But I have to accept that 10 human babies have gone from my body into eternity. At some point we have to say enough. When going to an amusement park, there's only so long one can stay on the roller coaster before it's too much.

Today is Mother's Day. I can hardly take Mother's Day anymore. My arms are empty. Empty arms are difficult to live with. It's easy for me to focus on that. The fact is, there are many people that have a hard time with Mother's Day, and it has nothing to do with infertility. Mother's Day is salt in the wounds for someone who has lost their mom. Moms who's children are no longer living, Moms who are estranged from their children, the unmarried woman who hasn't had a chance at having a child-- Mother's Day is hard for all of these people.

Today I join the many across the country who regularly attend church, but make a conscious decision NOT to go today. It's just too painful. Sure I could go and "overcome." But why? What does that prove. So I sit in church and cry my way through, or end up listening from the bathroom so I can hide my tears. Our church has a "Hearth Room" that is very cozy. It has a fireplace, couches and comfy furniture, with a tv to watch the service on. It's also where families with small children hang out to avoid disrupting the service. Somehow I would have a difficult time finding comfort there today. If I managed to sit in the service there's the awkward moment that will be repeated in churches all over the country. The honoring of the moms. "Stand up if you're a mom" Do I sit or do I stand? I AM a mom. In a pro-life church that should be very evident. But it's most often forgotten. So if I stand, and they tell different groups of moms to sit, as they seek out the mom of the oldest child and the mom of the youngest child. Where do I fit in there? The fact is, there is no comfortable place for me to fit. Nearly everyone in my daily life will not understand my decision to stay home today. I guess they don't need to.

I feel guilty that I haven't honored my mom the way I should today. I purchased a gift for my mom and mother in law earlier this week, and we delivered it then. Mark is on call this weekend, so that alone is reason to stay close to home. But I really just wanted to stay home and hide out for Mother's Day. Mark wants to take me out to lunch. But I don't want to go sit in a restaurant filled with Happy families and their children. I'll choose somewhere that does takeout, and we can eat at home, or in a park. In the end, I will be ready for Monday to come this week.

Strangely, I was remembered this Mother's Day not only by just my dear sweet husband, but also by a co-worker that I don't get along with particularly well. She gave me a card on the way out the door on Friday. Very surprising. I guess it's not fair to say that those are the only two that remembered. But those are the only two that made it evident. I think it's hard for other people to know what to say. Anything they say might (and probably would) illicit an emotional reaction. And that is uncomfortable.

Today especially, it's hard not to think about what "would have been." Our little Gabe would have been a year and a half old. I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our precious little Bella. Perfect image of a little family. I really miss our babies today.

Next week Mark and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. That's a long time to be working on a baby and still be childless. I know there are many women out there who have had empty arms longer than that. There are women who have had empty arms for less. But pain is pain. It does not one any good to compare.