Life on hold

I have so many what-if's in my mind. I have been planning a trip to a retreat in late April. I've had the vacation time requested since September. I'm waiting on our tax refund to be able to purchase my plane ticket, but now that is on hold in my mind. If I'm pregnant there are so many other places to put that money! Mark now says that if I am indeed pregnant, he would prefer that I not fly across the country on my own. I have to agree with him. I want to start decorating the spare rooms. But I don't know how. I already started a nursery once, and had to dismantle it. I couldn't handle an empty nursery with no idea when it could be filled.

We went to Mark's parents house today. I had every intention of helping my mother in law with painting and wall papering. I didn't want to lift anything heavy, so I let Mark know that ahead of time. When we got there and got our tools unloaded, Mark left with his dad for awhile. While he was gone, I started almost panicing. I didn't think the paint would bother me. It never does. All I could think of when I got near the paint was "What if I'm hurting a baby inside me??" I've wanted a baby for so long, I would never do anything to hurt it. So I had to find a way to leave WAY earlier than planned without letting my mother in law know what was up. I know she saw the medications at our house when I was doing the injections. I just don't want to talk with family about this stuff yet.

Oh... life is on hold.

The wait is starting to get hard. The first week seemed filled with fantasy. Lots of daydreams, and window shopping. I have planned out how I want to tell Mark and how I would like to tell our families. Now fear is setting in. It's almost overwhelming at times. I want so badly for this to work.