I've been a bad blogger

I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger lately. I can't believe its been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I just haven't had much to say. We still don't have any definite plans on TTC. We remain on hold. With this time, I've just been working on my digital scrapbooking, projects around the house, as well as vacation planning. We're getting very excited for our vacation. Only 2 and a half weeks to go! Mark started out "along for the ride" on the vacation plans, but once I got the plans rolling he started to get excited about it as well.

Visit to the eye doctor

My eye doctor about our IF. Every year when I list the medications I'm on, it comes up. Last year both Mark and I had back to back eye doctor appointments the day after our positive beta. In fact, if Mark hadn't been with me when I got positive beta call, my plan was for him to find out on the vision chart at the eye doctor. Anyway, one of the questions was "are you pregnant or nursing." He was very excited for us when he saw I marked yes. So he noted my chart.

I've been dreading our appointments this year. Absolutely dreading it... I KNEW it would come up again. The eye doctors we go to are father and son. We usually see the son. I've only seen the father once. We had the father today. So I thought, maybe, just maybe it wouldn't come up. I got through most of the appointment, and finally it happened. He asked if we had a little boy, or little girl. I told him that we lost the baby. This was the part I was dreading. With this week's anniversaries, I was afraid the waterworks would be turned on. I was so afraid of this, that I almost called ahead of time to tell them that I miscarried, and not to ask. That way I could take care of my emotions in private. In the end, I decided not to. I choked back a few tears. But it turned out ok. He was very sympathetic. He said that has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. He said that his son (the one we usually see) and his wife lost their first baby, and he knew how it effected them.

The crazy thing about this is I've been dreading it (I know, I've mentioned that a couple of time already) and it's over. But I still feel panic when I think about it. What's up with that? There's nothing to be worried about now. Anyway, there's a peak into my messed up mind!

One year

I don't have any way of knowing exactly when our precious baby passed from this life into heaven, but today marks one year from the point that we knew he was gone. There's no point in getting into the yucky details, but I had already been spotting, but on this particular day had a bit more physical evidence that it was the beginning of the end. This was followed by a trip to the RE's office for an ultrasound that confirmed it. I'm doing far better than I thought I would. That's not to say I don't feel anything. My heart is broken. My baby is gone. I miss him. He should be a growing 4 month old baby in my arms. Instead he is a memory.

I never got to know you little Gabe, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss you.

OUCH!

I'm sitting in my recliner right now. Nearly every move I make hurts. I ache. I've been working on making some changes in my life. One of those is exercise. For the last week, Mark and I have been exercising every day. Yesterday I kicked things up a notch. I'm really feeling it today. In addition to the traditional exercise, my friend (former roommate) came over to do her taxes, and once we were done, we talked about exercise, and we decided to play some Wii Sports. I think that may be what I'm paying for now. Who knew a video game could make one's body ache?!?!

I'm doing fairly well with all of the anniversary dates this month. I'm sure that this week there will be more tears. This week is THE anniversary date of our pregnancy loss. I don't know what date for sure our precious Gabe passed from this world into heaven, but I do know the date that it was sure in my mind. I'm really hoping that the exercise me to not get too down.

On that happy note, I went to the doctor Friday. It was just an annual exam with my family doctor. I just can't seem to go too many months without putting my feet up in some stirrups. I love my family doctor. He and his nurse are both sooooo kind and caring. It seems that going to see them always brings my emotions to the surface. I bawled through a good portion of the appointment as I often do. He agreed that the exercise is a good thing and very important. When he heard that our FET was not successful, he said "Darn.... Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn!" I know he meant it. While they aren't a part of our treatment protocol, they are still really pulling for us. His Nurse, Laurie, said that she thinks of me every time she talks to her nephew and his wife, as they are in a similar situation. She told me that she really respects me and my strength. I told her I didn't feel very strong (as I said this through tears). She asked if it would be ok if she hugged me. How many nurses would actually do that? I just love them. As I left the office, I looked down at the form to check out. He marked depression. Do you think it was because I cried the whole time? Should I not have done that? Seriously though, I've wondered. Depression isn't something one wants to admit or talk about. But it's there. It's the elephant in the corner. I'm happy that Dr I didn't suggest medication. He's not a doctor that you leave with a prescription each time. However, he does prescribe when necessary. But he never even brought up the word depression during the appointment. I think at this point, he wants to me to go for the exercise. I heard of a recent study that showed a placebo is just as effective as medication for mild-moderate depression. Lifestyle changes have proved to be even more effective. That's what I'm going for. That's not the only reason for the exercise program. It's just a bonus. It's definitely incentive to stick with it.

Currently our treatment plans are on hold. I do hope to do one more FET, but it will be awhile before we are ready for this as a couple. Infertility can really take a toll on a person, and a marriage. It's important that we be in agreement. It's also important to follow God's guidance, and I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not feeling anything. So we wait.

While we wait, I decided to borrow from our treatment fund, cause.... we're going on vacation. I had a whisper in my ear. It was that still, small voice that said "Do you really want to chase after the life you want, while the life you have passes you by?" I don't know if we will ever be able to treatment again. It's not up to us. So why not borrow some of it to enjoy some time with my husband, and have an early 5th anniversary celebration! (We aren't able to go away in May for our actual anniversary because of Mark's job.) So next month we are going to San Diego. We will meet a dear friend from Hannah's Prayer, and go to Sea World and a few other places. It started out as something just I wanted to do, but now Mark is just as excited as I am!

Difficult Anniversaries

One year ago today was a Monday. I woke up early. I had to go to the hospital lab and have blood drawn for a beta hcg blood test (aka blood pregnancy test). It was a mere formality. Something my clinic has all of their patients do at the conclusion of a treatment cycle. I had already done a home pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. I almost skipped out on the blood draw, but I did it anyways. I went to work after the blood draw. On my way home for lunch, I talked on the phone with Mark. I couldn't see how we could afford to do another treatment cycle anytime soon. Maybe we just needed to focus on other things. We both cold stand to lose some weight. That was the sum of the conversation. While I was at home, just as I was getting ready to head back to work. My cellphone rang. It was a nurse, calling to tell me they had the results of my blood work. My hcg was 9. 9 is a positive in some ways. But not a very solid one. She told me there was cause for concern of a tubal pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. She knew then that there was very little chance for our baby. I was pregnant. I was a mom. What I had wanted for so long was here. I should have felt joy. Instead I felt numb. I didn't get a chance to feel that joy. When we told people of the pregnancy, it was always tempered with "but pray... they say it doesn't look good." I remember so many details of that day...

This journey has many hills and valleys. Right now I seem to be in a poorly lit valley. I told a friend this a couple of days ago. This morning it came to me... You don't go from a valley to a hill without a little climbing. I can't just expect to magically appear on the hilltop. I really don't know what's next for us. I wish I do. I hate not having a plan. I fill like I'm sitting on my hands here. Add into the mix difficult anniversaries... makes for some tough days. I'm trying to keep busy. That helps. What helps more is the prayers so many people are praying for us. Thank you all! Please, please, keep em coming.

Bad blogger

I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger. Over the years so much of my identity has become wrapped up in our infertility. So when we aren't actively doing something to increase our chances of expanding our family, I feel like I don't have much worth saying. I know that is not true, but it is how I feel. God has been working on my heart during this quiet time. There are so many things I don't know how to share right now. Maybe it's supposed to be kept to myself, I don't know.

I'm hoping we will be able to do one more frozen embryo transfer. Right now the money just isn't there. I was really hoping our income tax refund would do the trick. Then Mark had to take his car to the shop. Guess who is getting our income tax refund now. I remind myself that this isn't taking God by surprise. If this is something He wants for us to do, He will provide.

In other news, I've taken to digital scrapbooking. I'm really enjoying it. I got the software for my birthday. The cost for printing these books adds up, so now I've also started a couple of projects at the request of other people. I get to create them, and someone else gets to pay for it! At least it's something to occupy my time!

Right now I would ask for continued prayers for God's direction, and if it is His will that we continue treatment, and bring the last of our embies home, that He would provide the finances for it.

Ministry

I've been quiet for awhile. I don't know what to say. It's been a time of grieving and processing. I wish I knew what comes next. I don't. However one beautiful thing is that I've been able to spend some time e-mailing back and forth with a friend of my sister's friend. I have never met her before, but I've been talking her through the embryo adoption process, and all of the emotional aspects involved as well. Talking to her about embryo adoption has been such an amazing help to me. It brings an answer to my "Why?" questions. I've helped bring about more awareness of embryo adoption. This lady knew of the option. She heard about it at our clinic. (Since she is in Idaho, she goes to the same clinic as I.) But she said for the first time, after talking things through with me, she's starting to feel excited about the possibility. I had asked God to use me to minister to others and educate them about embryo adoption. When I was asking, I was sure that I'd be ministering with a baby in my arms. "His ways are not my ways."

All in all, I've gotta say that I'm doing well. I've had my emotional days, but at least this week they haven't been every day. They've spaced out a bit. Thank you all for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. We sure need direction. I wish the spell check worked in this thing!

Continuing to deal

This last week has been a lot of ups and downs. I've asked God lots of questions. I haven't heard many answers yet. But sometimes the answers just aren't for us to know right now. I have no doubt God can use this for His glory. That doesn't make the journey any less painful. It just makes the pain more meaningful.

Friday was my 30th birthday. When we scheduled our transfer, I imagined telling our families of a pregnancy for my birthday, instead I got a very tangible reminder that I was in fact not pregnant. You can use your imagination with that one. OUCH! In Mark's words "Your body sure knows how to treat a lady." I kept it together throughout the day just fine, but at the end of the day, I had to let it break free. While chatting with some dear friends online I did. A sobbing bawling fit. Being 30 and childless was never in my plan. It's hard to let go of our own plans for our lives.

I don't know what is next for us. For now we will sit tight and listen for direction. We can force things to happen, but if it's not God's will, I have no doubt it will bring more pain. The desire of my heart is to give the rest of our embryos a chance at life. I must surrender their lives to God though. They aren't mine. He is the giver of life. He knows their future. We would love your prayers for direction. And I need to shut up and listen for it!

Healing

My tush has begun the healing process, unfortunately I think my heart is a ways behind. For those who have not done intensive fertility treatments. Let me just give you a peek. Over the last month of this process my back side had at least 25 needle in it. In addition to that, I had 7 blood draws. That's a whole lot of needle sticks. Three of the blood draws were this last week. I have some bruising on my arm from this. My back side is a bit more unfortunate. We had a couple of injection issues this week. One was an injection site reaction that was feared to be infection. I had to go to the doctor to be checked out. To make things a little easier I went to my local family doctor. He's such a sweet sweet man. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. Then he asked how I was really doing, emotionally was more his concern. Of course that brought on the water works. This was the day before my beta, but even then I was fearing the worse.

So the healing begins. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. I am a very blessed person. I know this. There aren't many things that I truly want that I don't have. Mark has been asking me for weeks what I want for my birthday. My mom asked me the same question the other day. I don't know what to tell them. There's not an easy (legal) way for either of them to get me a baby. I want to be content with what I have. Great, here comes the tears again. I guess I better go remove the counter on the side of the page now....

Sad news...

My blood test was today. I am heartbroken to share with you, our friends and family following our journey, that our three precious embryos did not make it. My pregnancy test this morning was negative. Our hope was to give these tiny humans a chance at life. We are struggling to see what God has for us to learn through this, as we grieve this loss. We now have four children waiting for us in heaven. We do still have four frozen from the same group as this last transfer. Unfortunately, I don't see a clear direction in paying for another transfer. We are back to seeking God's direction.

I would not be truthful if said I haven't questioned God today. I have kicked and screamed and yelled and and cried. I don't understand. We truly felt God opened these doors for us. We appreciate your continued prayers.

Back to the real world

Tomorrow I head back to the real world. I've been able to stay home for the better part of a week. I've left the house once since our transfer 5 days ago. Tomorrow it's time to go back to work. While I don't particularly enjoy laying in bed for days on end, I'm not terribly excited to go back to work either. I'm thinking this should be a fairly slow work week. But I have to dive in for a full 5 days. I haven't had too many of those since before Christmas! Hopefully the time will pass quickly until the blood test to determine if I'm pregnant. I caved and did a home pregnancy test. I sooooo wish I had not. It's far to early for a test to be reliable, and all it did was discourage me. I want so badly for this to be a successful pregnancy. I really need to just trust God who opened all of the doors for us to do this procedure. I'd really love to be able to find out at home, instead of a call on my cellphone at work, as has been the case in the past.

Bedrest boredom

I have a whole new respect for women who have to endure months of bed rest. This is nuts! I'm on day 3. I'm allowed to be up for bathroom, bathing and meals. It's not strict bed rest, but they did request I not go to work, and stay in bed as much as possible. I think I've done a pretty good job. Mark has done a great job of taking care of us, and our family has brought some meals over, in addition to the food I had already frozen. Mark says we're eating better now than when I'm up and around. Lady has done a great job of keeping me company. She moves with me from the bed to the recliner and back. I think she is completely enjoying the bed rest.

So far, I've done a bit of reading, played some computer games (difficult when laying down), made 1/2 a scarf with my knifty knitter, watched a whole lot of tv, and slept quite a bit too. Mark has been covering an early shift at work this week, so I've had to wake up early myself so he can give me my morning shot. Speaking of shots....... OUCH! Did I mention something earlier in the week about how the shots weren't so bad. I think I may have mentioned that I would probably be singing a different tune before too long. I was right on that part. It smarts. The progesterone in oil is thick. We warm it before drawing it into the syringe, and that helps thin it out, but it still leaves lovely knots in the muscles for a few days after each shot. So we are rotating the shots around the circles drawn on my behind by the nurse. Other than that, nothing exciting.... just resisting the urge to take a pregnancy test. It's far too early. I know this.

OOPS???

I mentioned it earlier this week, but on Monday I took Lady to Petsmart to be groomed. She has been there, I would guess 8-10 times. Each time, we have been very pleased with the results. They do a bath and brush. As part of the package, they also clean the ears, trim her nails, and trim the hair on her feet and around her bum (also called a sanitary shave). I went to pick her up as soon as they called. She was as excited as always to see me. We went to the register and paid. On our way out of the store, Lady rushed ahead wagging her tail, excited to go for a ride in the car agian.... imagine my surprise when her bum is exposed to me. They didn't trim anything. They shaved her bum bare!! All I could think of when I saw it, was those bare bum monkeys! I've searched the internet, and I'm unable to come up with the name. This picture isn't even really what I was thinking, but you get the idea. Here's my poor pup's butchered bum! She used to have long pretty hair around her tail and legs. I complained, but didn't really get anywhere. They just tried to blend it in a bit better. I'm horrified. Like my dad says though.... the only difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is a couple of weeks...

Do you see a similarity here??

Transfer complete

I have nothing to compare it to, but I think the transfer went very well. When I arrived, they gave me a Valium. Good stuff! Made me loopy, and what I can only imagine was a drunk feeling. After about a half hour, we were led back to the transfer room. The doctor brought this wonderful picture for us. He said there were two "good" embryos and one "fair" embryo. The fair one doesn't have a great chance. He asked if we wanted to transfer all three. Of course we did! We hold true to our belief that these are human beings, and are in no way disposable. Praise the LORD! These three were from the first straw. That's all they had to transfer. That means we have four more that remain frozen and waiting for us. The procedure itself was a bit uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I'd have to say these daily progesterone shots are far worse! I slept most of the way home, so that was wonderful. I have three days of bed rest. I know I'm leaving out details, but my brain is full, and having a hard time getting things out!

I just have to share the picture of our beautiful little ones. I have tears in my eyes looking at them. Look at them. They are little teeny tiny people! They are our children.

Thank you all so much for your prayers today. I don't think we could have asked for things to go any better today!

So now the REAL wait begins. I won't tell you exactly when we will know. We will tell everyone the results of our pregnancy tests as soon as we are ready. It'll be somewhere around a couple of weeks though.

Today is the big day!

For all practical purposes, it's very late Monday night, but the clock says it's Tuesday! Tuesday is the bit day we've been looking to for weeks.

I worked a little more than half a day, and the rest of the day was spent rushing around, taking care of business. I got Lady groomed (and boy is there a story to go with that-for another day though). I did some birthday shopping for a niece who has a birthday later this week. I cleaned and cleaned. I filled the car with gas and had it washed. I loaded Lady's kennel into the car for tomorrow's trip. I think I've done all I'm going to do though. I'm beat. I really did more cleaning than I thought I would. The house isn't completely company clean. But it's respectable. I'm pleased with it. I don't see anything that will drive me nuts sitting here looking at for a few days unable to do anything about!

We really appreciate your prayers today. I'm getting really anxious!

More ambitious than I thought!

Despite feeling like I've been hit by a truck, I've accomplished far more than I thought I would when I woke up yesterday. Still not as much as I originally hoped earlier in the week, but I'm happy with what I got done. We went grocery shopping yesterday. That in itself is exhausting. Then we came home, unloaded the groceries, and I started cooking. Mark got the oil changed in my car, and I kept cooking. I have 4 pans of lasagna in the freezer. They aren't full pans. I chose to do 8x8 pans so it would be enough for one dinner for us, and probably one meal of leftovers. I didn't want us to get sick of it! Then I did 2 batches of meat sauce for spaghetti. This will hopefully help mark with meals while I'm on bed rest. In addition to those meals, my mom will be bringing over taco soup and meat balls for the freezer too. I'm told my oldest sister will be bringing food too. We should be well stocked. If things work out well, I think I could get into this freezer cooking. It really took no more effort to make 4 pans of lasagna than it does to make one. But now when we want one, it will take very little effort.

After the cooking, I got the kitchen really clean. Not quite the top to bottom house cleaning that I had planned for this weekend, but it's a step in the right direction. I'll be going to work for the morning tomorrow, and then I am coming home to finish off some loose ends before the transfer.

I'm already rethinking how easy the progesterone shots were. Today's didn't hurt going in either, but wow, there is a big hard knot in my muscles from both injections. I have a feeling we will quickly run out of real estate on my back side to inject without hitting one of the knots! Oh well, part of the process.

Almost there!

The process intensifies today. We added several new medications to the mix. This morning we started daily progesterone in oil injections. This oil is thicker than the estridol injections we have been doing for a couple of weeks now. For that reason, the needle is larger as well. Not much, but enough that I can feel it! The dose is larger as well, so it takes longer to administer. I have to say though, Mark is doing great with the injections. Only one has really hurt. This morning's injection was no exception. I was really dreading it, and while I'm feeling it a bit now, it's not nearly as bad as I anticipated. I fully realize I just might be singing a different tune after a week or so of these progesterone injections. Today we also added an antibiotic and steroid to the mix for the next 4 days. These are part of the standard protocol at our clinic for Frozen Embryo Transfers. The twice weekly Estridol Valerate injections and the daily Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections will continue through the first trimester of pregnancy. I'm not quite sure how long the baby aspirin will continue. I've heard of some doctors recommending it continue through nearly the entire pregnancy.

As the minutes tick by, we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday's transfer. I had big plans for making and freezing some meals this weekend, and doing a top to bottom cleaning of the house. However, I have caught a case of the creeping crud. There has been a NASTY cold going around work, and I seem to be coming down with it. Because our transfer is coming up so soon, I'm very leery about taking medications, because I don't want them in my system when they put those precious babes inside me that might interfere with their implantation or development. So alas, I'm not sure I will accomplish too much this weekend.

Final Countdown

It's Tuesday. . . (Actually, Tuesday is almost over, I'm tired and ready for bed. But that's beside the point) It's one week until transfer! I'm starting to get some butterflies. I haven't been posting much, because there isn't a whole lot to post.

Mark has been giving me twice weekly estridol shots. Those are on Tuesday and Friday evenings. I have been going for weekly blood draws. Now that the holidays are over, those tests are on Tuesday mornings. I am able to take the lab orders to the local hospital, and the send the results to my clinic in Boise (a couple hours drive away). For that I am so thankful. I can't imagine having to make the trek to Boise for each of these tests!

Our preparation will intensify this weekend as several other medications are introduced into the mix. I'll get into that more as we get closer. I'm also making preparations at work, and home for several days of bed rest following the transfer. I'm had been hoping to do some cooking and freezing to make meals easier. Not so sure that is going to happen. Oh well, thank goodness for the freezer section at Costco, and the Schwans man! :)

In other news, I have a little sign on my desk at work that says "Let it Snow." Most people think I want a snowstorm. It's really just a reminder of our little snowflake babies. We got quite a snowstorm today! 5 and half inches!

LOOK!!! 2 hands...

The real countdown is on! As of yesterday we can count on two hands how many days until our transfer. It is all be coming so real. I believe the kinks and miscommunications have been worked out in our thaw plan. I'm not sure that there was ever a problem, but my coordinator was not there for my lining check, and the other NP's were grossly misinformed. Once this is all over, I might make a complaint. They really sent me in a panic by misinterpreting my coordinators notes. She has added some clarification to her notes, and added a request to call me on the day of transfer if they feel it necessary to thaw more than one straw, so that we can discuss it. The last thing I want in this process is to disregard the value of each individual life. That was a big part of our decision to pursue embryo adoption was to honor life!

Subtle hints

Silent screams for attention? Something tells me it's time to get off the computer? Maybe?


In other news, I had to write a large check to the clinic today to pay for the transfer etc. WOWSA! Makes it all the more real. I got my "To-go sheet" that has all of the instructions to get ready for the transfer.

All went well with the ultrasound. My lining is right on track for a transfer on 1/15. I do have some concerns to work out with the clinic about how many embryos to thaw. I would covet your prayers that this can be worked out in a way that would glorify God and show the very deserved respect for the lives of each of these embryos. The last thing I want to do is lose sight of the things I believe in my pursuit to have a child.

It's getting so close

Oh, it's getting so close, and the nerves are kicking in. It's just a little over two weeks until the target transfer. My mind keeps trying to wander to the things that could go wrong. I have to remind myself that God has opened these doors for us, and leave it in His hands. We are not on this journey by accident. God has a plan in all of it. Even when my plans do not line up with His, I have to know that His plans for me are good. That doesn't mean that it is without suffering, but He will never give us more than we can handle. I was reminded of this visiting a church today where an old friend was speaking. Once again, not by accident.

2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--

Today's bloodwork update...

I went first thing this morning for the blood work I mentioned in yesterday's post. Nothing too exciting. I got a call this afternoon that my Estridol level is a little under where they would like to see it for this time in my cycle. I was at work, and didn't write down the number she told me. I really wish I would have. I'll remember next time. In any case, they are having me increase the dose of my Estridol Valerate injections from .15 to .2 Still just twice a week. My next blood test will be Monday. I'm REALLY praying everything is still right on track next Wednesday when I go for my ultrasound. I've had thin lining issues in the past, so they won't transfer the embies if my lining isn't at a proper thickness.

Since Mark will not be able to go to Wednesday's appointment with me, tomorrow night we will go have our dear friend Angie notarize his signature on the last of our consent forms. Very exciting. Getting closer and closer!

Wonderful Christmas, and cycle progress

I'm happy to report that we had a wonderful Christmas. Christmas Eve, I worked all day. After work we went to my parents house for the evening. We played had dinner, my mom provided gifts for a gift exchange accompanied by a cute little story about the "Wright Family." Every time the word right, write, Wright etc was said, gifts had to be passed to the right. Every time left was said, gifts had to be passed to the left. We finished off the evening with family with a little boxing and other games on the Wii. Lots of laughs and fun. Christmas morning we went to my sister's house for gifts with my side of the family. Then about noon we went to Mark's parents house for gift exchange with their family, and lunch. We started a movie, but came home before the movie was over.

We finished off the evening with Mark giving me a shot of Estridol Valerate. This was my second injection of this cycle. However Mark's mom gave me the first shot, to demonstrate technique for Mark. I'm happy to report Mark did fantastic. I barely felt a thing! So at least we know the twice weekly injections of the Estridol shouldn't be a problem. The jury is still out on the Progesterone in Oil. That is a larger needle, thicker oil, larger amount to be injected, and it's daily. I'm still not to excited about that part, but it's part of the process. Tomorrow I will go for a blood test to monitor my estrogen levels. They want to make sure I have a "therapeutic level" in my blood. From what the nurse practitioner explained to me, too much E2 acts as a contraceptive, too little won't build up the lining of my uterus in time for our transfer. Lots of needles involved with this process.

Our evening in the Castle

There are so many details in our suite, it would be impossible to show everything. Here are a few of them. Entering the room, the jacuzzi tub is nestled in the rocks to one side, just outside the castle walls. From there, you walk over a draw bridge across the moat complete with an alligator and all! The suite was two levels, with the dining room downstairs, and the round bed upstairs in the turret. The turret had a domed ceiling with a flat screen TV mounted above. (I think that was Mark's favorite part). The upstairs has an overlook to the moat and bathtub below. It's such an expensive place to stay, we can't afford to go there often, but it's always such an enjoyable experience, and a wonderful time to reconnect. We got a gift certificate good for any room at Costco, so we were able to stay in one of the most expensive suites. What a fantastic Christmas gift to each other.

We're on our way!!

We had our plan of care meeting, lining check ultrasound, and injection training yesterday. It was a very informative meeting. We have our appointment times set up for lining checks and our transfer!! SO Exciting!

All is well with my lining. It's right where it should be for the beginning of my cycle. The cyst that was found in my last ultrasound early November has started collapsing. All is well, we're on our way! Our coordinator gave us some consents to sign, and some more consents to take with us and read through and bring back to the next lining check. We reviewed the medications, and how to give the injections. I now have a large black sharpie circle drawn on each bum cheek as targets for Mark. The first injection was today. We will continue to do these injections twice a week. In addition to this set of injections, we both began a 10 day course of antibiotics to ward off any underlying infections, and I began a daily regimen of low dose aspirin. Lots and lots to keep track of. I will go for blood work in a little less than a week to check my estrogen levels. From that they will adjust my medication levels for injections.

Tonight was the first injection. Although we had targets on my bum, we both felt best about having Mark watch a professional do a shot once before he started. It just so happens Mark's mom is a nurse. We went by her office after work, and I prepared the medication, the three of us stepped into the bathroom, and she gave me the shot. I really didn't feel it. Gives me happy feelings for what is to come. I was dreading these injections. I should mention these are intramuscular injections, not subcutaneous as I have given myself before. For those new to this journey, or just following along on our journey, intramuscular means a bigger needle, given into the muscle, subcutaneous is just under the skin, with a skinny little tiny needle.

In other news, Mark and I stayed at a wonderful theme suite bed and breakfast last night. This was our third stay there. We stayed for our wedding night, and one night last week. It's such an expensive place, but so well worth it in our books. It's a wonderful time together reconnecting and just being with each other. Tomorrow I will post pictures of our stay in "Sleeping Beauty's Castle."

Long time no update

I haven't updated in quite awhile. I'm not sure why either. I have been in a bit of a funk for a little bit. I lack motivation to do much, but I've forced myself to get the holiday stuff together. This is totally unlike me. I really didn't want to decorate for Christmas, I really didn't even want to hang Christmas lights. That is REALLY not me. I don't know if it's just that my mind is already anticipating January, or if the birth control pills are affecting my moods. Both are likely true. However over the last couple of weekends I have gotten myself together, and gotten the decorating and shopping pretty much complete. Most of the gifts are wrapped and several are under the tree. My plan is to have everything else "wrapped up" in the next few days.

In other news, my body has been less than cooperative this last week, resulting in a frantic phone call to the RE's office on Friday. I was quire sure this was going to throw a wrench in the timeline. The nurse assured me that all was not lost. As of now, the plan is still on track. Tonight is my last birth control pill! YAAAAY!! As exciting as that is, I have a feeling when my bum becomes a pin-cushion, I will be longing for the days of silly little birth control pills. Friday I picked up my prescriptions. The pharmacist wasn't sure of what size needles I was going to need, so he "threw in enough to get me through a week." The pile made my stomach do flips. Ohhhhhh dear! What have I signed myself up for? I remember how nerve wracked I was this past January/February when I started injections for the first time. Those were little tiny needles that went into my belly. This time, the needles are not so tiny, and have to go into my bum muscles. My cheeks tighten at the thought.

It's been awhile since I've had anything to do to get ready for our FET. So I just decided to do some calendar counting and share with anyone who wants to know.

I have:

9 more days of birth control pills.

14 days until our baseline ultrasound and plan of care meeting.

15 days until we start estrogen shots (not so much fun, but part of the process)

22 days of work until the transfer.

and last but CERTAINLY not least....

39 days till transfer!!!!


That got me excited all over again :)

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

I hate to say nothing, but there's nothing much to say. Nothing has changed over the past few weeks, other than getting ready for Christmas.

A dear friend, and former neighbor called to catch up with me this afternoon. (Oh how I miss them!) I was able to tell her all of the exciting news about our embryo adoption. Because I haven't had any "work" to do to get ready, it's seemed a little less real, and very distant. But just explaining the process to someone new got me excited all over again!

I have taken 4 weeks of birth control pills. I have 2 more weeks to go. So far the pills haven't made me sick as I have always gotten with bcp's in the past. So that's a very good thing. We are just a just a little over 6 weeks to transfer. With all of the Christmas festivities in the midst of that, I'm hoping the time will tick by very quickly.

I'm off to start decorating the inside of our house for Christmas.

I love Christmas lights! Love them! I didn't see it, but someone said our lights were on the news last year. Just a short clip of them during the weather. Fun huh? :) Every year, I seem to need to add more lights to our display. I'm really beginning to think it's a sickness. In fact, while I was recording this video, a nightbor walked by with his dog and said the lights looked nice. You can may even be able to hear me tell him that it's a sickness!. I really want something for over the garage. I'm just not sure what yet. So I continue. At least you can see our display as it is now. I don't think I'll do TOO much more this year.

Kitty Picture

Here is Ginger enjoying the comfort of the penthouse sitting area in our new kitty condo. The first day or two, the kitties sniffed around the condo, and hopped on and quickly back off, just like any new piece of furniture. I really don't think they thought it was theirs. So we did what a good cat lover would do. We drugged them. We bought catnip. They go pretty nuts with the stuff. We put the catnip all over the condo. When they start coming down off the high, they just want to lay around. Now they don't even need the catnip to lay around on it. Although she looks it, Ginger isn't even high in this picture :)

Happy Thanksgiving

I know I've done a bit more posting today than normal. Ok, maybe that's an understatement... So I've posted a lot more than normal as of late. I just can't let today end without giving thanks. Tonight I am thankful for many things. I'm thankful from my salvation, and God that gives it so freely. I'm thankful for my wonderful husband and family. Yes, that includes our frozen AND furry family as well. I'm thankful for my home and my country, and so many more things than this. I am truly blessed.

Happy Birthday Lady

We don't know for sure when Lady was born. She was about 6 months old when we got her from the pound. From the letter left by her previous family who couldn't keep her when they moved, we can guess that she was born sometime mid to late November. So in that time frame, it's easiest for us to remember Thanksgiving. That is the day I choose to honor as our sweet pup's birthday. While I was making a dessert to take to my family's Thanksgiving celebration, I let Lady lick the bowl. I love her like a person. Happy birthday baby!

Victory

We did it. We were in fact victorious! I woke up at 4 am this morning. It was the normal wake up call. My dear sweet husband sawing logs. No, not literally sawing logs, but sounds like it. The boy can snore! Alas I fear he has taken after his father. This means 5 nights out of 7, I end up in the spare room. I always start out in our bed with Mark. Lately, I most often don't make it through the night. Lady and I retreat to the quiet cold of the other end of the house. Haha, the other end of the house sounds like we have a big house. Yes, I go to the guest wing. Really our house is 1300 square feet. Comfortable, but not huge. The master bedroom, bathroom and closet are on one side of the house, the kitchen dining room and living room are in the middle, and the 2 other bedrooms and bathroom are on the other side. But, I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, Lady and I retreating to the guest wing. So we get in there, I doze off for about 15 minutes, and wake up again. So I decided to get up, and get myself dressed to brave the cold. I squeezed my extra large bum into my medium long johns, and a couple of other layers, and went to wake Mark up. We left the house shortly before 5 AM. We went to Burger King to grab a quick bite to eat, and then it was off to Kmart to wait in line for the ever elusive Nintendo Wii. We've been talking about buying one for the last month or so, but they have proved to be next to impossible to find. We got the hint from several stores to "check back after Thanksgiving" *wink wink* Meaning they have some, but they are saving them for the big shopping days. Kmart had Wii's in their Thanksgiving Day sale ad. So there we waited. There were probably a dozen people ahead of us, give or take a few. Some of them were together though, so we felt safe when the Kmart lady came out and started listing how many of each of their big ticket items they had in stock. They had 8 Wii's. We knew it would be close, so we decided to wait it out.

At 6:45, she came out to pass out vouchers for to the first people in line for the big ticket/limited quantity items that they had been waiting for. Once the store opened, we just had to take those vouchers to the service desk to purchase the items. No wrestling needed! Great system, right? Should be, but it's not so great when greedy people get involved. The first couple in line each got a voucher for the Wii. Then once the Kmart lady went back into the store people started leaving because they had waited an hour and a half only to find out they weren't going to get what they came for, and the doors weren't even open. The lady from the front of the line started walking down the line saying she really didn't need two Wii's, but she had waited a really long time in line, longer than anyone else, so she'd be willing to SELL HER VOUCHER! Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Some guy bought it for $50.00 $50.00 just for the ability to be able to purchase the Wii in the store.

Oh well, we did get our Wii, and we're enjoying it, but it still bums me out that the very nice lady in line right behind us didn't get one after waiting in line just a few minutes less than Mark and I, all because of someone else's greed. That's all she was there for, so she left when we got the last voucher. GRRR! Some people.

Yes. It's true. We're nuts. It's 5 AM and we are at KMart in persuit of a Wii. Pure insanity I tell ya.

Lady

Our dog Lady brings me such joy. She's a great dog. We got her from the pound 2 and a half years ago. She is 3 years old this month. When we went to Boise for our Psych eval and weekend away, we stayed 2 nights in a hotel. We ended up in a corner room on the third floor that had windows to the floor. She found her way behind the curtains where she kept watch over the parking lot. She occasionally saw geese or people with other dogs. No matter what she saw, she very intently kept watch. On Saturday morning when Mark left for breakfast with his buddy, I laid on the floor and watched out the window with Lady. As soon as he drove out of sight she got a little sad and rested her head on the floor. I just had to share a picture of our sweet dog!

Movin' on up!

"....Moo-oo-vin on up, to a dee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyy."

No, we're not moving. We have been in our house exactly 3 years. No immediate plans to move. Yes, I'm singing the theme song from the old tv show "The Jeffersons." Recently our kitties have found great comfort hiding out in the perceived safety of a tv tray that was left out. They love it. They take turns "hiding" out under there. I decided they needed a new place to hide out. I went to Petsmart to check out their kitty condos. I was quickly reminded of the reason we have never purchased a condo for our kitties. For a single level, 12" round, kitty house, it was I think $30-40. That's for basically one square foot. YIKES! I just couldn't justify it. We went to Home Depot, and bought a concrete tube form. It's basically a huge toilet paper roll. It's 12" in diameter, and 4 feet long. This was $11. I made a couple of visits to a local carpet store, and talked the guy into saving a remnant piece for me. He gave it to me, and asked me to keep him in mind when I need carpet for our house. I promised I would. This carpet was great. I'd love to have it in my whole house! I had most of the wood at home. We had to spend a few dollars more on hardware and little bits of lumber. All in all, I would say the kitty's "Deluxe apartment in the sky" was about $17-20. Similar sized condos at Petsmart were $150-200. I went a little nuts building. It's a tri-level. From the inside of each little round den, there is a hole to go up to the next level. Except the top den. That has a little nesting box area. One of them likes it... the other isn't sure what she thinks about the whole thing just yet.

In other news. Less than 2 months to our FET! Very exciting. Just a few days shy of a month to our next doctors appointment. Gotta find more things to keep myself busy. The kitty condo project wiped out this weekend pretty well. :) Hopefully holiday activities will have me occupied over the next 8 weeks or so....

It's the Hurry-up and Wait Game!

For the last month, I've had things to get in order. Things to get done. Things to keep me occupied. From that first inquiry a month ago to see if Embryo Adoption could finally be an option for us, there has been a lot to do. What started out as a daunting list of things to complete, has come together like I could have never imagined.

In the last month, I've gotten our the financing together. That alone I expected would take a month or more, but less than a week from sending the application in, the money is ready and waiting in our bank account. We've reviewed the list of embryos available at our clinic, and selected the ones for us. They initially were no longer available, but with one phone call from the clinic, they are ours! There was testing to be done. A psychological evaluation to be done on both of us. One week from my first call to inquire about the evaluation, it's done! A saline ultrasound to ensure there is no uterine abnormalities to interfere with the implantation of our precious little embryos. There was quite a tight window that this test had to be done in. It had to be between days 6 and 10 of my menstrual cycle. Oh yeah, and the doctor that needs to do this test works between clinics in two different states, so hopefully my (normally non-existent)cycle lines up with his schedule for November, because he's only going to be in the office 2 days in December. Worked out perfectly! That's the test I had done last Tuesday. I had to have some more blood work done, to ensure I haven't contracted any diseases in the last year.
The prescriptions are called in (I had this done to nail down the amount of financing I needed to secure). Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. It's all done!

For the last several weeks, I carried around my notebook, so I could have everything together and handy when I needed it. I prepared my questions there so they were easily available when I talked to my coordinator. I'm completely amazed at how things have come together. I couldn't have forced this if I had tried! I wish there was something to occupy me right now, but alas, I wait. About the only thing I can do to prepare right now is take my birth control pills for the next 34 days. Other than that, I just need to have my prescriptions filled and get a new sharps container before our appointment on December 20.

For now, it's just hurry up and wait! Any ideas to occupy my time for the next 63 days until transfer? I have this nervous, excited anticipation knot in my stomach every time I think about it.

Saline Ultrasound Procedure

A couple of days ago, I had a saline ultrasound. I said I would give more of an explaination of the procedure and why it was neeed, so here goes!

Sonohysterogram or Hysterosonogram

What is a sonohysterogram?A hysterosonogram or HSN is also known by the names sonohysterogram, saline ultrasound, saline sonogram, or saline infusion sonogram. A hysterosonogram is an office based ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. This test involves no radiation, and there are very few risks from the procedure. Compared to a regular ultrasound, a sonohysterogram is better at detecting abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus because it involves infusing sterile fluid inside the uterus. This way, the walls of uterus separate from each other and any abnormalities that might have been hiding right along the sides of the walls will be easily identified.

Here is an example to help understand why we do a hysterosonogram. Think of your uterus like a collapsed balloon. If there was a small growth or bump on the inside wall of the collapsed balloon, it might be hard to see since the top and bottom walls are touching each other. However, if we inflated the balloon, the small growth will be easier to see since it will likely be able to hang away from the wall.

Traditionally, the "best" way to look for abnormalities inside the uterus was a test called a hysteroscopy, which involves an out-patient surgery using a type of telescope to look inside the uterus. However, in recent years, the techniques for a sonohysterogram have become so advanced that it has usually replaced hysteroscopy as the first procedure to look for abnormalities in the uterus. Compared to a hysteroscopy, a sonohysterogram is less invasive, less expensive and nearly as effective at detecting abnormalities.

The procedure was really a piece of cake. No big deal at all. It was over before I even knew it. This was the first test I've had done in a long time that didn't find something wrong! That's a huge praise for me! Everything has come together so well for us in this current process, that I've been waiting for a road block, or even a speed bump. Makes me sad that I think that way. I need to stop that!

We have a target date!

I tried to update my with the short version from my cellphone this afternoon, but it didn't work this time. So here's the long version.

What a day! OYE, seemed like nothing could go right from the time I left the house this morning. I worked till noon, and came home to take care of our dog Lady. After she was taken care of, I headed out. Got a couple of miles away, and wondered if I had closed the garage door. So I came back home, all was well. Got across town, reached for my phone to call DH and let him know I was on the road. No cellphone. I really didn't want to travel that far without it, so I came home again, searched for my phone, found it, and had a met attack (aka the poopies). All in all, I didn't get out of town until 1:30. Good thing I got off work when I did! I barely made it in time for my appointment.

This was only the 2nd time I've had an appointment with the actual doctor. Usually it's an NP. The nurse that was assisting told me before the doctor came in, how happy she was that we were doing this. She said they are pretty stingy with their embies there at the clinic. Apparently they get calls from all over the country looking for embryos. She also told me that her very best friend just left the office. She talked her into doing EA, and just left the office from her first u/s where they saw one little heart beating.

I'm not fond of the doctor. At least I wasn't from our first consult a year ago. At that time, he came across very arrogant and abrasive. Today he seemed much more personable and funny. The catheter hurt a bit, but it always does with me. I have a "tricky cervix." The ultrasound itself was very quick. We were having a conversation while he did it, and it was over before I knew it. Everything looked perfect, and he said he'd see me in January! He asked if I had any questions. I did, but I was still half naked, covered with a large paper towel. Good thing I came prepared. I asked him to hand me my notebook, and I turned to the page of questions I had prepared for him. My questions for him were rather simple. The nurse laughed at my organization, and asked if I would come with her next time she needed to go to the doctor :)

After that, the embryo donor coordinator had scheduled some time to meet with me as well. So we went to her office to talk dates. The target date for transfer is January 15! They are frozen in three separate straws. One straw has three embryos, and the other two straws each have two embryos. They will thaw the group of three embryos first. If two or three survive, we will transfer those. If only one survives, they will thaw another straw.

Oh, one more thing about the ultrasound. I do have a large cyst on one of my ovaries. I start birth control pills today to resolve the cyst and control my cycle until it's time to get rolling. I will be on the pill until December 16. I will have my baseline ultrasound on December 20th. Also on that day, we will have our plan of care meeting, where we will nail down the rest of the dates for monitoring etc, and our shot class. I will start estrogen shots then. I've got some blood work to be done in the meantime.

Other than that, it's hurry up and wait. I'm so excited! Having dates makes this all the more real!Sorry to leave you hanging for so long. On the way home, I had to stop at my sister's house for my nephew and niece's birthday parties. Made for a LONG day. I'm going to get ready for bed now. Tomorrow I'll explain the actual procedure I went through today, and the reasons for it. Thank you all for checking on me!

Saline Ultrasound and consult today.

I'll be leaving work in a few minutes. My appointment is in 3 and a half hours, but it's about a 2 hour drive to my RE's office. Unfortunately Mark couldn't get off work for this appointment, and I couldn't schedule it for another time this cycle. My heart is beating out of my chest! Good results today bring us one step closer to our FET! I'm nervous and excited all at once.

I probably won't be able to get online to give a full update until late tonight. I'll see what I can do to get a shortened version of a blog update from my cellphone after the appointment for those who really want to know :)

Thank you so much for your prayers! They are needed and felt!

A Bittersweet Day

What a range of emotions I've experienced today. I woke up to anxiety. Today was the due date of the precious little one we lost earlier this year. I've choked back some tears. I should have a tiny little baby in my arms right now, crying and depriving me of sleep. At the same time I'm grieving the loss of our child, I'm excited about the prospect of our future children, our little ones on ice. Things are coming together so quickly, and in a way that I couldn't force if I tried! I can't help but be happy about this. The other day I was thinking about the wonderful testimony God is creating for our children. Then I feel guilty being excited about these children on the day that I am grieving the loss of our first child.

To top things off, today was my Grandma Bonnie's birthday. I called her at the nursing home in Kansas. That made me sad again. In a 15 minute conversation she asked 3 different times where I live, where I work, how long I've worked there, and if we're still trying to have a baby. Thankfully I only had to tell her once about the miscarriage. It's so sad to see her mind going. It's been happening for quite some time. I still hate it. What a mess of emotions I am!

Psych Eval--Check!

Our progress continues to amaze me. I'm not so sure why. Why should I be surprised? We really feel like God is opening these doors for us. We had already planned for a few days away this week. We took Thursday and Friday off of work and came to Boise. We got a hotel for both nights, and have had a fantastic time. We've seen friends and family, we've dined out and just had a great time just being with each other. We will head back home tomorrow afternoon. Since we were already going to be here in Boise, I made a call and got our Psych Evaluations done while we were here! Worked out beautifully.

From my understanding, Psych Eval's aren't just required by my clinic, but for use of 3rd party reproductive assistance in general. By 3rd party, I mean the use of donor sperm, eggs, embryos or surrogates. The evaluation was a great opportunity for Mark and I to talk things out with an objective third party and make sure we're both on the same page, and make sure we've really thought about everything. We are both just as dedicated to following this path as we were before. After our time visiting with the therapist, we had to each complete a written evaluation. 567 true/false questions. YUCK. Didn't enjoy that one so much. Took more than a couple of minutes to finish. Mark was much quicker than I. He took a break and went out and check on Lady, and came back, and went to the bathroom, had a snack, and still finished more than a hundred questions ahead of me!

So that's one more thing checked off of our list! Very, very exciting to me. One thing that has been weighing on me is the financial aspect of all of this. Even though we aren't doing a full invtro process, there are still substantial costs involved, and there are some costs unique to the donor program, but God continues to provide for us. We decided to borrow from my 401k. I talked with my company's human resources a couple of weeks ago to see if this was an option. She told me it was, and sent me the paperwork. It took some time, but I compiled a list of anticipated expenses involved, as those had to be submitted with the loan application. I sent those to my company's corporate office on Tuesday. They arrived on Wednesday. I called Wednesday afternoon to make sure they had received everything. (I was nervous because we're starting these appointments, where we will have to pay out of pocket, and don't have the money to cover all of them!) She assured me they had received everything, and she would notify the committee that they would need to meet to review my request. So I was thinking a week or two. She called me the NEXT morning to let me know everything had been approved. This was not even 48 hours after I put it in the mail! Since we were already on our way to Boise, we stopped by and finished off the promissory note and wire transfer instructions. She seemed to think the money should be in our account by sometime next week. What a huge blessing, and yet another confirmation to us!

Busy at work

This post is just silliness. Demonstrating to my coworker Ramiro how to get pictures off of his phone and to the web with the powers of Mobile blogger. It's pretty cool :)

SHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't attempt to keep my blog a secret. I don't broadcast it either. My faithful friends here in the blog world are welcomed to your front row view of our journey. For those of you who are part of the blog world AND part of our day to day real life world, you are welcomed to continue your front row view of our journey. I only ask that you allow us to tell the other people in our life about our journey as we decide to. Many things that I talk about here are necessary for me to get out and talk through, but they aren't things I'm ready to share with most of our family. At this point in our journey, the decisions we make aren't without a lot of prayer, thought and research. But there is no shortage of people who think they still know better. For that reason we are keeping the circle of people who know what's going on right now very small. We may change our minds, but at this point we have decided to hold off on telling our families until after the transfer. At that point, there will be no need for conversations trying to convince us to go another route. Call it the cowards way out if you wish. I'll call it choosing my battles. So for now, we'll just keep this our little secret. *Wink Wink* ;)

Long overdue update... and it's a long one!

I know it's been awhile. There has been a whirlwind of activity going on here. Everything has been coming together so beautifully, I fear that if I post about it, the progress will come to a stop. My prayer throughout this journey, has been that God would open the doors that need to be opened, and close the doors that need to be closed. God has really been answering that prayer. Doors have been opening for us, one right after another. This isn't answering your questions is it? It has everything to do with my previous post.

My heart has really been drawn towards embryo adoption/donor embryos for quite some time. It's just never been a real option for us for one reason or another. I started looking into it more seriously a little over a year ago. That was actually the reason for our first consultation at our RE's office. The doctor quickly squashed my hopes to pursue this route. He said that they didn't allow new patients into their donor program. We had to do treatment through this clinic in order for it to ever even become an option. Even at that, he discouraged us, saying the wait is often more than a year. At this point, it was only known that I had PCOS. We didn't know of anymore contributing factors to our infertility. We've since learned that I also have a blocked tube and elevated FSH, indicating poor ovarian reserve. There are all kinds of roadblocks in the way of us conceiving a biological child. We do know it's possible. We did conceive a child nearly 9 months ago. Biology doesn't concern me though. Being adopted, I know that biology doesn't create a family. In fact, I told Mark on our first real date, that there was a good chance, I would have trouble conceiving a child, and I needed to know if he was OK with adopting.

After our last failed treatment cycle, Mark and I had some discussions about our options. I've reviewed many of these options with you already. Mark's take on things was that we needed to wait on direction from the Lord. My view on it is that without looking at all of the doors, and maybe jiggling a few doorknobs, how are you going to know what doors are open? :) I suggested to Mark that we put our name on the waiting list for donor embryos at our clinic if they would now let us, pointing out that if we did decide this was the route to go later, it would shorten our wait. Remember the doctor told us it was most often more than a year wait for embryos to become available.

At this point, Mark is still leaning towards a traditional adoption. I must go check this doorknob! We met with an adoption agency 2 years ago, and didn't feel peace about moving forward at that time. Before traveling to Boise to meet with them again, I called the local Pregnancy Crisis Center. The director goes to our church. I was really just after information. She wanted to set up a meeting with us though. We arranged the meeting and took an afternoon off to go visit with her. Adoption is certainly not for the faint hearted. There is so much involved. How open of a relationship are you comfortable with with the biological family? The more open you are, the more likely you will be chosen. The home study process alone is quite daunting. You must ensure you have a good lawyer, or agency so that everything is done properly. You must remember not to give the birth parents gifts, or help them directly with living expenses. This can be considered "baby-buying." Even without agency fees, we were amazed at how quickly the legal and medical costs add up. The costs can be anywhere from $7,000-30,000. She overwhelmed us with information. But when we left there, Mark said, "We might as well do more treatment." I'm very thankful for this time we had with her, and the information she provided, but it just didn't feel like a fit for us at this time.

A week or two later I made a call to our clinic to get more information about their donor embryo program. Now I don't know how it is in different medical practices. But every doctors office I have, if I call with questions, I have to leave a message, and someone calls me back later. So that Friday I left a message with the donor coordinator at our clinic. I got a call back from another Nurse Practitioner, saying that the donor coordinator would be out of the office until Tuesday. She called me back on Tuesday. I asked if we were eligible to be put on the waiting list for embryos. She said she thought probably so, but she needed to check with the doctor. She told me there were currently embryos available without wait, but said her list wasn't overly impressive to most. A week later, and I still hadn't heard the verdict from the doctor. So I called the nurse back and left another message. She called me back and said he cleared us. We were ok to use donor embryos.

That week was the longest wait we've had for anything! Everything else has come together so quickly! That day she faxed me a list of currently available embryos. Since that point, it seems I'm calling the clinic every other day. I got the costs for everything, and told Mark. He said... "Wow. Not cheap. If this is where God wants us, He's going to have to provide the money." Funny thing... that night I was going to the bathroom, and an idea came to me. We discussed it, and decided together, if these doors continue to open, this is where we want to be.

We made our pick from the list of embryos available. It's important to remember, these are human beings. We chose a group of 7 embryos, from one family. The genetic mom is 5'1" with brown hair and brown eyes. She is Asian. The genetic dad is 5'10" with blonde hair and brown eyes. When I called the clinic to say that we were interested in them, the nurse said that someone else had already expressed interest in them. She had to give them another chance to make their final decision. She called me back to tell me that those embryos had been removed from the available list.

Because they are ours!!!!

I couldn't be more excited. We have 7 frozen babies! And Mark has told me several times how he is excited about our family. The program is completely anonymous. The donors will never know anything about us, and we will never know anything more about them than we do right now.

From that point, things have continued to come together. We are required by our clinic to undergo a Psychiatric Evaluation. They require this for anyone using donor sperm, eggs or embryos, as well as gestational carriers. The Doctor that does their evaluations just happened to have an opening next week when Mark and I were already planning on being in Boise. Our next hope is that my cycle beings on time to schedule a water ultrasound when our RE has an opening.

This is just thrilling to me for so many reasons. There is so much more I could say, but I fear this post is getting longer than most will want to read. So I'll save more for another day. We appreciate your prayers, and would love for them to continue! We aren't there yet. Just on the way.

Lessons in infertility

There really isn't much to update, but I know there are people checking often for updates. We are still exploring options and praying about what God has for us. One option that my heart has been very drawn to for some time is called Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation. Please know that I am by no means an expert in this area, but I'm going to give you the information as I understand it from my readings and following the journey of several friends.

Both Embryo Adoption (EA) and Embryo Donation (ED) operation on the same basic concept. When a couple goes through invitro fertilization (IVF), the ovaries are stimulated to produce as many eggs as possible. The eggs are then retrieved and then combined with sperm (sometime the sperm is injected directly into the egg, and sometimes the sperm are allowed to do their own thing) to produce embryos. Because this is an expensive and very involved process and it is never known how many will actually fertilize and grow, many embryos (sometimes as many as 20 or more) are created.

If you believe as I do that life begins at conception, each of these tiny embryos, far too small to be seen by the naked eye, is a life, precious in the eyes of our Creator. The couple and their medical team decide together how many of those embryos will be transferred back into the woman's uterus. As is the case in a natural cycle, not every life conceived will implant and grow. Most often 2-3 embryos will be transferred. Caution must be exercised though, because each of them could implant, resulting in a multiple pregnancy, that can be very difficult on the health of the children and mom. The remaining embryos are frozen, awaiting the outcome of the transfer (often referred to as a fresh transfer-because those embryos initially transferred have never been frozen.) If that cycle fails to produce a pregnancy, or if it produces a pregnancy, and the couple wishes to have more children, then some of the frozen embryos are thawed and transferred into the mom. Very sadly not all of the embryos will survive the thaw. Success rates for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) are not typically as high as for a fresh cycle. Even after several subsequent cycles, there are often embryos remaining. Once the couple has decided their family is complete, or their journey on this path has come to an end, there is a huge decision to make- What to do with their remaining embryos.

One choice is to allow them to be destroyed. Another option is to donate them for research. Thankfully for some people these are not options. At this point, they are left with two more options. They can continue to pay for storage indefinitely. Or one final option is to allow them to be adopted, or to donate them through Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation.

The difference between EA and ED is minor. Through ED, the donating couple will often notify their clinic that they want to donate the embryos to another couple. From my understanding this is most often a closed process. The donating couple will know little or nothing about the receiving family. They can also choose to find a couple on their own through word of mouth, or through various websites.

With EA, there is a paperwork and home study process much like a traditional adoption. This allows for more of a screening process, and allows the donating family to have a great amount of control in deciding on a family for their embryos. This allows more room for the genetic family and the adopting family to decide on how open they want the relationship to be.

Babies resulting from ED/EA are often referred to as snowflakes, because no two are the same. Each is unique. There is an EA program called Snowfakes Embryo Adoptions through Nightlight Christian Adoptions http://www.nightlight.org/snowflakeadoption.htm . There is also an embryo adoption program through Bethany Adoptions http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/1CA188422535A9E8852572750070B241 . Both websites have a lot of information about the process, and testimonies of families that have grown their family through this path. Looking at the pictures of those precious babies, it's amazing to me that people can still call extra embryos as "medical waste."

At this time, an actual legal adoption process isn't required, just legal contract for a transfer of property. While I find this very sad to refer to these lives as "property", it has its good point in that it takes away a lot of the red tape and makes the process easier and less costly. Once that contract is signed, the donating family has no legal claim to the embryos or the child born from this process. On the birth certificate, the receiving family are listed as the mom and dad.

At this point, I am in the process of finding out about receiving donor embryos through our clinic. My heart has really been pulled in this direction since I first heard about this option almost three years ago. I can't even put a finger on what about it appeals to me, but it something sure does. I have a news story about "the other side of the stem cell research debate" that I recorded on our DVR from August of 2005. It tells the story of a family that was grown through EA, and shows both the adopting family and the genetic family.

Exploring the the possibility of using donor embryos was actually the reason we first went to our clinic a year ago. After the 6 rounds of clomid and one IUI we did with my gynecologist, I wanted to go straight to using donor embryos. The doctor laughed at me and said I was giving up before we really tried. They have a policy that they never let new patients go right to donor embryos. They must have failed treatment through this clinic. Now that we have done 2 cycles there, and have no baby, I'm hoping they will allow us on their wait list for donor embryos. When I talked to the ED coordinator at our clinic last week, she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me. She said that there are currently embryos from several different donors available.

Knowing they have embryos available makes me so excited I could wet myself! If it were my choice, I would start the ball rolling on this tomorrow. But alas, it is not all about me. We are praying that the doors that need to be opened will opened, and if the doors God does not want us to go through would be tightly closed.

Wow, this has turned into quite a long post. I guess that's why I haven't talked much about it before. It's just so exciting to me, I have so much to say about it!

A little news

I got another call from our clinic today. Not much to report. I asked one question, and she said she'd have to run it by the doctor. That might take a day or two. OYE! Wait, wait, wait. The theme of my life. Mark and I have started devoting time each day to pray together for the future of our family. We both want so badly to be on the same page, and thatpage needs to be the one God wants us on. .

I have SO MUCH excitement in my heart about this option we are exploring. This is something my heart has been drawn to for more than 2 years. For now though, we continue to wait and pray.

Change in protocol

We continue to seek direction and weigh out options. In this process, one of our options is to continue with the prescribed treatment protocol from our Reproductive Endocrinologist. A few weeks ago when the nurse called with my negative beta results, she mentioned that the doctor would probably want to change my treatment protocol. On Friday I called the clinic to find out exactly what that change in protocol would entail. Their biggest concern with my former protocol was a thin uterine lining. Unfortunately, that's one of the side effects of clomid. So at this point, the only change they have for me would be to change the clomid to a medication called Femera, or generic Letrozole. This is a medication that has been used for treatment of breast cancer. But it has a side effect of inducing ovulation exactly like clomid does, without the negative side effects. Not sure if this is the path we're going to be on, but at least we have the information about the path.

I also left a message for the embryo donor coordinator at our clinic. During my last IUI, I heard the coordinator talking to someone about this. This is something that really excites me. My heart has been pulled in this direction for more than two years. Unfortunately the embryo donor coordinator is out of the office until Tuesday. Hopefully we can learn a lot more about this path when she gets back.

Humbled

I sit here tonight humbled, and nearly overwhelmed by the comments that have been left on my blog recently. It's amazing to me the people that I have never before met, that God has brought to this simple website for the purpose of praying for my husband and I.

We had our meeting today at the Pregnancy Crisis Center. She went over a TON of information, and gave us a contact for a christian lady that does home studies in this area for a much more reasonable price than most. In the end she prayed with us. We left the meeting completely overwhelmed, and no closer to a decision on the direction we are to be going. So for now, we continue to wait. Wait while I hear time clock ticking loudly in my ears. I know God has a plan. I'm working daily on trusting that plan.

Under the Weather

I've been very under the weather this last week. I've been dealing with a great deal of nausea throughout the week. If I hadn't had a blood test a little over a week ago, I would swear that I'm pregnant. To top that off, Thursday night I came down with a cold that I caught from a co-worker. Oh the joys!! So I've been all snotty and sneezing this weekend. With all of this I haven't been up to too much activity.

Mark and I continue to seek direction for the next step in the journey to expand our family. I had a MASSIVE meltdown last week. The worst in a long time. This is just so hard! It makes it even harder that Mark and I really aren't on the same page about things. He is perfectly content with our family as it is. He wouldn't mind having children, but he's ok without too. I wish I was there. Oh how I wish. Mark feels like we should just pray and seek direction right now. My prayer for direction has been that God would open the doors we are to go through, and close the ones we aren't. And how do you know if the door is open or closed if you don't look at it? So I have been on a fact finding mission to get information about all of our options. Mark feels like it's kind of a waste of time to walk down the hall checking doors if we don't have a direction. Neither of us thinks the other is wrong. We just have different perspectives. I think I have a hard time sitting still and waiting. I know that is something I need to work on...

In any event, Mark was not comfortable with trying to fit our meeting at the Pregnancy Crisis Center into our lunch hour, so we rescheduled it. It will be this coming Tuesday at 2:00 pm. Mark has most Tuesday afternoons off, so it won't mess with his work schedule at all. I will work through my lunch hour, and take a couple of hours of vacation, so I don't have to go back to work after the meeting.

Along these lines, I've begun working on a digital scrapbook of our lives together. While I'm excited about this scrapbook for several reasons. The ultimate purpose of the pages I'm creating is hopefully being used in an adoption portfolio, for expectant parents to look at to get to know us, and maybe decide they want us to raise their child. But I'll post more about this later.