A Bittersweet Day

What a range of emotions I've experienced today. I woke up to anxiety. Today was the due date of the precious little one we lost earlier this year. I've choked back some tears. I should have a tiny little baby in my arms right now, crying and depriving me of sleep. At the same time I'm grieving the loss of our child, I'm excited about the prospect of our future children, our little ones on ice. Things are coming together so quickly, and in a way that I couldn't force if I tried! I can't help but be happy about this. The other day I was thinking about the wonderful testimony God is creating for our children. Then I feel guilty being excited about these children on the day that I am grieving the loss of our first child.

To top things off, today was my Grandma Bonnie's birthday. I called her at the nursing home in Kansas. That made me sad again. In a 15 minute conversation she asked 3 different times where I live, where I work, how long I've worked there, and if we're still trying to have a baby. Thankfully I only had to tell her once about the miscarriage. It's so sad to see her mind going. It's been happening for quite some time. I still hate it. What a mess of emotions I am!