Things seem to be going pretty well today. Mark's aunt is a photographer and came to the hospital to do some professional pictures, so we got permission to get her out of her "inmate attire" and put her in a pretty dress. I can't wait to see how the professional pictures turn out. So now what you're all here for. More pictures. I've had demands from Aunties and HP Aunties for more. I'll try to get more later, but no promises. We should be home tomorrow!

Pictures

She's beautiful! We're quite smitten with this little girl. Everyone is healthy. Birthmom is doing well, birthdad is really struggling. Please keep them in your prayers. Here are some pictures. There are sure to be more. We're on our way back to the hospital. I'll see if I can post from there.

It's a girl. Keep praying.

Climate Change

The term climate change can be a hot button issue these days. But don't worry, I'm not getting political on my blog. I do however want to give warning that the climate of my blog is about to change. By now those of you who don't know may already be guessing the good news on the horizon. I'm still not announcing anything just yet. But I really don't want anyone to be shocked or hurt when I do. So if you're following my blog, or have my feed, you may want to remove it if you think an announcement may sting. It won't hurt my feelings. I know your pain well!

No updates yet

I'm sorry to be so cryptic with the last post. I'm afraid this isn't going to be much clearer. We hope that by this time next week we have good news to report. Thank you all for your prayers and words of support.

Good news is on the horizon...

I've been holding back for a couple of weeks. I'm not going to say too much more than that at this point. But if all goes as it appears to now, good news is coming to a blog near you. Or at least a blog near us. :)

Me with a Peruvian Boa

When life gives you lemons, make baby forumla.

Huh? Let me explain.


When I was pregnant this last fall, I registered on a couple of websites to track the progress of our pregnancy. I also bought something at a maternity store, all of which asked for my due date. One of these places sold my name address and due date. So starting in late June I started getting "Welcome Baby" packages from baby formula manufacturers. The first time I got one of those packages out of the mailbox it nearly sucked the air right out of me. It was a reminder that we will never hold our precious Bella in our earthly arms. I was crushed, and Mark just wanted to get rid of the formula. Once I got myself together, I checked the date on the formula can. It's good for nearly a year. There's a reasonable chance we could have a baby home in that time. Since then I've gotten what seems to be weekly formula checks. They are basically coupons. I hate to see them go to waste. So I've been buying formula. We don't want to spend a ton of money on formula right now because we don't know when baby will be coming home, and the last thing we want to do is waste money. So I've been buying mostly Ready to Use formula. (It's liquid, don't add water). This is the most expensive formula per serving. But it's the cheapest per can. So if I have a $5 formula check, and the Ready to Feed formula is $5.88 to $6.49 per can (depending upon brand) I can use the check and not have too much invested. I'm building up quite a stash. Baby isn't even here yet, and he or she already has their own cabinet in the kitchen.


I figure if we don't have a baby home by the time this stuff gets closer to expiring, I'll donate the stash to the local pregnancy crisis center, and be a blessing to someone else.

Projects, Projects...

I was gently reminded by someone that my blog is once again grossly out of date. I have no idea why, but I haven't been very diligent in keeping the blog updated. It's not like nothing has been happening. No, we don't have any significant updates, like baby announcements. Believe me, when that times comes, it'll be all over this blog! But we've certainly been making progress.

First things first. I'm once again unemployed. This time I don't qualify for unemployment. Oh well. I knew right away the previous job was not going to be a good fit for me. Apparently the last half a dozen people who have worked there knew the same thing... if you know what I mean! I told them after three days that I was going to continue looking for other work. I wasn't quitting, but I would be looking for another job. I stayed there for three weeks until they had me replaced. When I went to the unemployment office to reopen my claim, because I didn't quit my job, and I wasn't being fired for cause. They said that by telling them I was looking for another job it was as good as quitting. I could fight their decision, but I don't have it in me. So for the last three weeks I've been working on projects :)

The biggest project I've been working on is our adoption profile! This is HUGE! Our home study is almost complete, and the profile was the next step before the waiting list. Different agencies have different expectations for the profile. Ours calls them "Picture Pages" and the "Dear Birthmom Letter." We took those two things and combined them into one thing. It's basically like a scrapbook of our lives. I used my digital scrap booking program to do it, and put it together like a book, and had it printed at a local print shop. It turned out beautifully. I'm very happy with it, and I've gotten great feedback from people who have looked at it. We do have a unique opportunity at our agency to have a lady on staff that placed her son for adoption when she was younger. She brings a unique set of eyes to review this kind of thing. Here is the cover of our book. Because this blog is public, and the information in the profile is somewhat private, I'm not going to share the whole thing here. I would be happy to share it with individuals who want to see it, just let me know. I just don't want to put it out here for the whole world to see. I would like to have some control over who I share it with.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm fairly crafty. I've made lots of gifts for friends and families. Lots of these things have been baby gifts. For anyone on the infertility journey, you will understand that baby gifts are tough. It's not that we don't want anyone else to be blessed with a baby. But seeing someone else blessed with the one thing we want and can't have hurts. I've made a very conscious effort over the last few years to make gifts for friends and family with their new arrivals. This forces me to take my focus off myself, and helps keep me out of a pity party.

A lot of these gifts have been rag quilts. One problem I have had with making the rag quilts, is that sometime they are hard to let go of. I imagine my own little one wrapped in the quilt. When I really liked the end product, I would often buy extra fabric to tuck away in hopes of making one for our own child. At one point, soon after we chose our nursery theme several years ago I started a Classic Pooh rag quilt. This was very early in our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I got very discouraged with the results of a treatment cycle, and put the quilt away without completing it. I got it out and finished it this week. I decided to make another small quilt. Then I bought some flannel and used my serger to make several receiving blankets. Then I made a stack of burp cloths out of the scraps. I'm on a roll!

I fully realize that we could have a long wait. But we could also have a very short wait. I think that keeping busy has been therapeutic for me. I think we pretty much have the basics covered. We could bring a baby home tomorrow and we'd have what we need to care for the baby initially. That's an exciting feeling!

So there's an overview of some of the things that have been keeping me busy. :)

One more step complete!!

We had our home visit today. This will be the only required home visit before placement. She said it would take about 2-3ish weeks to get the full home study written up. EEK! One step closer. Just as everyone told me... the home visit was nothing to be worried about. All in all, the home visit was about an hour and a half. We still have a little bit more paperwork to get to her. She said she would have about 75% of it done this week. Next step is to pay the fees and finish our profile.

Really... 7 weeks?

Wow. I can't believe I've been quiet here for seven weeks! It's been a very busy seven weeks. Not even sure where to begin. I don't have time to stay up all night and tell you everything. Here is an abbreviated version of what should really be about half a dozen posts:

We got our required pre-adoption training done. We can still take classes. Our agency certainly offers more. But we have finished the requirements.

I finished off quite a few home improvement projects. Some photos will follow.

I visited family in Kansas. I'm so glad I went. I hadn't seen my Grandma and Aunt in about nine years. It was a very bittersweet visit. Saying goodbye to my grandma was tearful for me. I know that it is very likely the last time I'll see her that she will know who I am.

After six weeks of being unemployed I got a job. I don't love it. Not at all! The wage is a HUGE step back for me, and there are essentially no benefits. I'm going to keep looking for something else.

Bella's due date was last weekend. It was a sad day. I was a bit taken by surprise how hard it hit me on the day. I'm doing much better with it now. It is not mine to understand.

We begin the face to face portion of our home study this week! EEEK. I have so much more that I want to get done around here. I am OK with the condition of 3 rooms of the house (the nursery, the guest bathroom, and the game room) so that leaves the living room, the dining room, kitchen, master bedroom, master bathroom and laundry room that are not in a condition I'm entirely pleased with. Oh well.... the first visit is not till the Tuesday. Did I mention I got a job? I have to go to work tomorrow.... OYE ;)

Maybe I will elaborate on the above mentioned goings on in another post on another day. I best not promise though. Here are the pictures:





I know full well that this room may sit empty for a long time. That's a chance I'm willing to take. I think it was good therapy for me during the days leading up to Bella's duedate to be preparing a nursery. I did beadboard paneling by myself. I also recovered the chair. I have the structure in place as I want it. The details can wait till a baby shower after we have baby at home. It was great to do this all while I had time to spare at home. I can't imagine trying to get all of this done how I wanted it with a new baby at home.

I wanted to get a pack'n'play. We were looking at them yesterday and this one was on clearance.

Bedtime has passed and I'm pooped. Goodnight!

Beginning and Ending...

Today is a day of ending. Today I walked away from what I have called my job for the last 8 years. This wasn't how I would choose to end this chapter in my life. But the choice wasn't mine. I'm thankful that I was given ample time to prepare for this. That was the ending from today.

Today is also a day of beginning. Today I mailed off our adoption application. The beginning of a new chapter!

I'm looking for another job. I had two interviews last week. I know for sure I didn't get the job I really wanted. I haven't heard back on the other one, and I'm going to keep looking. I'm ok though! I have a lot to get done in the mean time.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

We've had a busy weekend, and when I stop and think about the week to come, it's going to be a busy one as well!!

Our weekend started Friday after work. We headed to Mark's parents house to do some handyman work. MIL had "hired" us to do some things for them. She was doing quite a bit of work around the house, and there were several other paid workers there. So I didn't feel bad that we were being paid to do stuff there too. We got home at about 11:30 that night after changing out several light fixtures and starting to change out hinges in the kitchen. Saturday morning started earlier than I planned, and we headed out for another full day of work at their house. We changed more hinges, removed three bathroom mirrors. Sadly the only way to remove the mirrors was to destroy them. Good thing we're not superstitious! We headed home on Saturday evening to plans of spending the rest of the long weekend at home relaxing.

Sunday morning after church Mark's dad called to say their back steps had broken. He wanted to patch them with some plywood, but my father's personality in me would not allow that. So we took some lumber out to repair them. In the end we completely rebuilt them. So that took the entire afternoon (including another trip to town for Mark to get more lumber). I was seriously sore when we got home Sunday evening, with further promises not to do anymore work for the weekend.

This morning I slept in a bit. It was quite nice. I woke to Mark bringing me a donut and orange juice. How sweet! He had turned off my phone so I wouldn't be disturbed. Later in the morning he noticed that I had a missed phone call. I listened to my voice mail and it was someone calling about a job application I submitted last week (and can I just say THANK YOU to Kayla for her help with my job apps). She was very interested in interviewing me.

So this week I have two job interviews for the two jobs I have applied for. I have an evening meeting, etc. Just a busy busy week coming up! When this week is over I will have finished my last full week at my current job. I've been there just shy of 8 years. It seems surreal. A week from today I will go to my last day of this job. It will be a short day, probably just an hour to wrap things up and turn in my key and company ID.

We are also very seriously exploring new family options. You may be able to guess what that means. I'll let you. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we explore this further! Could get exciting!

A Thank You...

I would like to take some time to post today a special thank you. Thank you to the men and women past and present who sacrifice to keep this country free. I also want to thank the families left at home to keep things together. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed. Your families are in my prayers. Thank you!

Anniversary

6 years ago today I married the love of my life. It's been quite a ride. We've had ups and downs. The downs have gone low. But through it all I've had an amazing companion. This is not what I had planned for our marriage. I'm sure it's not what Mark had planned either. But I wouldn't trade it. I love my husband. I'm so thankful for every moment I've had with him. We're preparing for a new leg of our journey. I have no idea where it will take us. But I couldn't pick a better person to be on the ride with me.

We started or celebration early this weekend. Friday after work we zipped off to Boise. We went to the Melting Pot fondue restaurant. We had a wonderful dinner. Then we went miniature golfing. Not something we usually do, but fun! I thought for sure I beat him. Turns out we tied. How appropriate. Mark thought so too. He said it's exactly how we compliment each other. On the holes I didn't do so well on, he did great, and when I did well, he not so much. We drove home very late. We got home at 1:30 am. Took a little while to unwind before heading to bed. I didn't sleep in nearly as late as I planned to for such a late night out. We both took a nap Saturday afternoon. Very unusual for Mark. He slept for about an hour. He woke me up after 4 hours! YIKES!! This of course made it a little difficult to get a normal night of sleep Saturday night. I overslept on Sunday. We spent the day together. All in all a wonderful weekend!

Mark, thank you for a wonderful weekend, but even more than that, a wonderful 6 years! I can't wait to see what the future has for us. I love you!

Proud Friend...

I've had an online friend for several years. We both belong to an infertility forum. I have many friends from this forum. You may wonder how well you can know someone online only. But I have to say I think pretty well. You all have a window into my life that many others don't. But I digress... Back to the current topic at hand. I had the pleasure of meeting this friend Annie at a retreat earlier this month. She's one that has turned coupon into a verb. She's amazing. I dream of being like her. Girl knows how to save money. It's AMAZING!! She was recently featured on her local news. I'd love to share her with you.

Blogging absensce

I've been absent from the blogging world. If I still have any readers that aren't in my day to day life, last you knew we were awaiting the results of our Frozen Embryo Transfer. It was negative. It was heart breaking. It has been very difficult to grasp. We have exhausted ourselves with medical treatments. I can't say that we are done on that road forever. But I can say we are done for now. This is hard to grasp. It's hard to be "done." Working towards something been a way for me to cope with infertility. I have a hard time sitting still. But I have to accept that 10 human babies have gone from my body into eternity. At some point we have to say enough. When going to an amusement park, there's only so long one can stay on the roller coaster before it's too much.

Today is Mother's Day. I can hardly take Mother's Day anymore. My arms are empty. Empty arms are difficult to live with. It's easy for me to focus on that. The fact is, there are many people that have a hard time with Mother's Day, and it has nothing to do with infertility. Mother's Day is salt in the wounds for someone who has lost their mom. Moms who's children are no longer living, Moms who are estranged from their children, the unmarried woman who hasn't had a chance at having a child-- Mother's Day is hard for all of these people.

Today I join the many across the country who regularly attend church, but make a conscious decision NOT to go today. It's just too painful. Sure I could go and "overcome." But why? What does that prove. So I sit in church and cry my way through, or end up listening from the bathroom so I can hide my tears. Our church has a "Hearth Room" that is very cozy. It has a fireplace, couches and comfy furniture, with a tv to watch the service on. It's also where families with small children hang out to avoid disrupting the service. Somehow I would have a difficult time finding comfort there today. If I managed to sit in the service there's the awkward moment that will be repeated in churches all over the country. The honoring of the moms. "Stand up if you're a mom" Do I sit or do I stand? I AM a mom. In a pro-life church that should be very evident. But it's most often forgotten. So if I stand, and they tell different groups of moms to sit, as they seek out the mom of the oldest child and the mom of the youngest child. Where do I fit in there? The fact is, there is no comfortable place for me to fit. Nearly everyone in my daily life will not understand my decision to stay home today. I guess they don't need to.

I feel guilty that I haven't honored my mom the way I should today. I purchased a gift for my mom and mother in law earlier this week, and we delivered it then. Mark is on call this weekend, so that alone is reason to stay close to home. But I really just wanted to stay home and hide out for Mother's Day. Mark wants to take me out to lunch. But I don't want to go sit in a restaurant filled with Happy families and their children. I'll choose somewhere that does takeout, and we can eat at home, or in a park. In the end, I will be ready for Monday to come this week.

Strangely, I was remembered this Mother's Day not only by just my dear sweet husband, but also by a co-worker that I don't get along with particularly well. She gave me a card on the way out the door on Friday. Very surprising. I guess it's not fair to say that those are the only two that remembered. But those are the only two that made it evident. I think it's hard for other people to know what to say. Anything they say might (and probably would) illicit an emotional reaction. And that is uncomfortable.

Today especially, it's hard not to think about what "would have been." Our little Gabe would have been a year and a half old. I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our precious little Bella. Perfect image of a little family. I really miss our babies today.

Next week Mark and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. That's a long time to be working on a baby and still be childless. I know there are many women out there who have had empty arms longer than that. There are women who have had empty arms for less. But pain is pain. It does not one any good to compare.

Oops! Didn't update when I got home

Thanks for the reminder Ann! :) It was a long day. I thought about posting last night when we got home. Truth be told, I almost think I did, but obviously I didn't! I'm going to blame the Valium.

They thawed the remaining three embryos from our previous transfer. All three survived thaw and looked very good. Two were 8 cells and one was 7. The doctor thinks they looked better than the last embryos transferred. But of course, we know this is not a beauty contest. These are human beings, and God can use any of them!

Overall, my transfer was delayed by about an hour. An hour is a LONG time when taking into consideration a full bladder. Shortly before the transfer, not knowing how much longer the delay would be, I sent Mark out to ask if I could run down the hall and take a bit of pressure off my bladder. They said I could go enough to take some pressure off, but NOT empty my bladder. (They need a semi-full bladder for the ultrasound guidance.) I wrapped the sheet around me and scurried down the hall. Oh so thankful!! When they did the ultrasound about 15 minutes later, the nurse said "WHOA! Full bladder!" The doctor also commented about my bladder. Seemed to be the topic of conversation. ;)

Now I'm laying low for the weekend. I'll go back to work on Tuesday. Laying around isn't nearly as much fun as it might sound. But whatever it takes to give these little ones the best chance at sticking. So now we are in everyone's favorite waiting game.

Transfer Day

Happy Pill- done. Acupuncture round 1- done. Bladder full. Doctors flight delayed. Good times.

At least one thing is no longer up in the air...

I got my first "pink slip" today. It wasn't pink though. I was a little disappointed in that. I always thought it would be pink. My manager is colorblind. Maybe no one told him it should be pink. So as the title says, at least one thing is no longer up in the air. I am in fact losing my job. In today's economy though, I must admit I am fortunate. Very fortunate. I have a job until June 1. That is so much better than all of the people these days who go to work and find out they no longer have a job to go to. I haven't heard the full scope of the job loss throughout our company. I know the projected number was 130 company wide. There were 3 in my office. I really did feel like it was coming. We found out last week that the former owners of our company included a stipulation for us in the purchase and sale agreement. That stipulation was a temporary severance policy. A very generous severance policy. It won't keep us in the clear forever, but it gives me a bit of elbow room in the job hunt.

My manager said this choice had nothing to do with my job performance. For this reason I asked for a letter of recommendation to take with me when I leave. This was a suggestion made by a relative of one of my co-workers. I never would have thought of that. UGH! I haven't updated my resume in nearly a decade. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration. It's only been 8 years. I don't even know where that resume is. I wonder if they still have a copy of that in my personnel file. I'll make a mental not note to ask about that....

In other news, I had an ultrasound lining check last week. Let's just say my body has been less than cooperative lately. My lining was still thick, but I was... uh.... still actively shedding that lining, so the nurse felt confident that I would shed enough over the next 12-24 hours to get me where I needed to be. So they had me delay the beginning of my estridol shots by one day. I just had my second shot tonight. They really aren't that bad.

Everyone has been telling me there is a reason for losing my job, and maybe it's so I can stay home with a baby. OH how I hope so... Anyone know of a good way to get rid of stress?

I went to a ladies praise and prayer night at church. That helped a bit. I stopped crying. But the stress is still sitting in my shoulders.

I don't always understand

Some of this is duplication from my prev post... please forgive.

My keyboard is being stubborn. I'll try to catch the typos, but some keys seem to be sticking. Not sure how to safely clean the keyboard of a laptop. OYE! But alas, that is the least of my problems these days.

As I mentioned in the previous post, we are gearing up for another cycle. To say my body isn't cooperating could be an understatement. In order to spare mixed company (like maybe my teenage nephews) the embarrassment, I won't go into details. But lets just say, my body is less than normal, and it's having a hard time getting "back on track" after the d&c in December. I had a water ultrasound on February 13. This was particularly painful. I don't remember feeling that way last time. During this procedure, a catheter is inserted and the uterus is filled with a saline solution while an ultrasound probe is in place. There was some area that wasn't as the doctor hoped to see. He believes it was some "residual debris from recent menses."

After meeting with the doctor, we moved down the hall to line things out with the embryo donor coordinator. We have a total of 7 embryos available. (As a side note-- NO, there is no way I would transfer them all. I don't think my clinic would do that, but even if they would, there's no way I'd agree to it.) We have 4 embryos left from our first donors, and 3 from our second. As of now, our thaw plan is the 3 embryos from our second donors. They are frozen together, so they must all be thawed. If 2-3 of them survive thaw, then that is what we transfer. If 0-1 survive, then they will thaw one "straw" from the first group of embryos. Those are frozen in 2 groups of 2. If 1-2 survive thaw, that is what we transfer. If 0, then they will thaw the final straw. In our previous transfers, we were very fortunate to have every embryo survive thaw. This however is not always the case, so we must be prepared for any outcome. It's very important that our plan is clear, and our wishes known by the embryologist, and clinic staff. I'm currently on birth control pills, with a target transfer date of 3/26. My next appointment is March 5. I'd love your prayers that my body will be cooperating by then, and that we will be on target for a March transfer.

After laying everything out with the coordinator, we went down the hall to meet with the financial coordinator. We've been with this clinic for several years, and we have never met with the financial coordinator.

Another rabbit trail here.... Infertility is EXPENSIVE STUFF! I don't think there is anything inexpensive about infertility. As with anything in the business world, it's supply and demand I guess. The value of something is what someone is willing to pay. And the desire to have a child, for someone who is unable to do so is a strong desire. Anyway- Infertility is most often not covered by insurance. Several years ago I spoke to the president of my company. He was visiting for employee meetings. At the end of the meeting I cornered him, and poured my heart out. I explained to him that in a company that seemed so family oriented, there was something really lacking in our insurance. I told him of our struggle to have a child, and I was saddened that our insurance would pay for birth control pills, tubal ligation, hysterectomy, vasectomy, IUD. Basically they would cover anything short of an elective abortion to prevent me from a having a child. But they would not cover a penny in our efforts to treat our infertility and have a child. He assured me that he would look into that. A few days later I got a call from the HR manager that infertility coverage was "unheard of, at least in our area." So THAT was the end of that!

Back to the financial coordinators. Without infertility treatment coverage in our insurance, every procedure that we have done has been 100% out of pocket. So there was no need to meet with her. Either we had the money to do it, and paid at or before the time of service, or we didn't. End of story. But this time something is different. My company was sold last year to another larger company. And some states mandate infertility insurance coverage. Meaning basically if they offer other services (in some states maternity coverage) they they must also offer some amount of coverage for infertility. My company happens to employ in at least one of the mandated states, so infertility coverage is part of the benefit package!! What a huge PRAISE! This was the reason for meeting with the financial coordinator. I had called ahead to see if the fee structure had changed at all this year. Sadly it had. The donor coordination fee went from $550 to $1000! YIKES! I asked if that was required for each transfer, since there would be no additional matching process or anything. Everything is in place, so this transfer will be no different than a standard FET. She said yes, the fee applied to each transfer. UGH. I knew the insurance probably wouldn't cover that fee, so we'd have to eat it. When we finally got in to meet with her she said she had discussed it with our nurse-coordinator, and they agreed to WAIVE OUR FEE! Another PRAISE! Then she I explained to her that we were on a PPO plan with our insurance, but that because there was no PPO doctors of this specialty in the area (Since this is the only RE in the state) that the insurance said they would probably cover at the PPO rate. So she did her calculations. With the waived fee, and the insurance coverage. She expects we will have to pay about $600-ish, instead of $4000. This doesn't include medication or lab work, but it's a HUGE savings for us. All of this was Friday the 13 of February. What a great day!

Then came Monday... I mentioned before that my company was purchased by another larger company last year. Last Monday we got an email from the President of the utility division (my division) of our company. Due to the integration of our companies, and the recent downturn in the economy there will be layoffs. I have known for months this was a possibility, but still managed to be blindsided by this. They are closing our offices to walk-in traffic. Thus doing away with my position. I haven't been given official word yet, but it is very likely I will lose my job. They will be notifying effected employees Mid-March.

Our initial thought was that we would no longer do the treatment. This was heartbreaking to me. This was already decided to be our last ARTS (assisted reproductive technology) procedure. After the initial shock of things wore off, it may not make total practical sense to try to get pregnant when I'm facing unemployment, but I don't know when it will ever be this affordable for us to try again. So we are going ahead with the plan. IF my body will cooperate. There again, I would appreciate your prayers! If we aren't able to go for a transfer in March, we may have to abandon ship, and give up on this last transfer. The thought of being "done trying" is terrifying to me.

I know God has a plan in all of this, and none of it is a surprise. That seems to be a common thread in my life. From the death of my mom at 3 years old, I know He has had a plan and a purpose for the things that have happened. I just don't understand, or see the purpose at the time. Without the storm there's no rainbow though is there?

Update

I haven't posted for over a month. YIKES! I've said I'm sorry for that too many times, so we'll skip the sorry this time. I've started a few posts, but haven't finished them. So here's my update for now. We are going to try "one more time." At least that's our plan for now. If you're asking "Try what?" you must be new here. We are scheduled for a frozen embryo transfer for the end of March. It was supposed to be 2 weeks earlier, but my cycle didn't cooperate. Everything for a reason, right?

On Friday we had meetings with what seemed like nearly half the staff at our busy fertility clinic. First off we met with the acting embryo donor coordinator at the clinic. This isn't the lady that handled our other transfers, she is just getting back from maternity leave. The acting coordinator is very nice and also very knowledgeable, so I'm in good hands. I think they are actually handling the cycle together. N had a few papers for us to sign. Then we were ushered into an exam room. We've been to the clinic dozens of times. We've only been in that particular room 2 other times. The last time was when Bella was placed in my body. It was sobering thought, and I did feel some element of panic.

Dr F and Nurse M came into the room and did a water ultrasound. Nurse M has been with us through SOOOO many procedures. She's really pulling for us to have our take home baby. During the water ultrasound, a catheter is inserted into the uterus and saline fills the uterine cavity while an ultrasound probe is in place. With this they can verify everything is as it should be inside the uterus. (Picture a deflated balloon, you can't see if anything is in there until you blow it up) There was one area that wasn't what he wanted to see, but he wasn't overly concerned by this. After the water ultrasound, I was given time to get dressed, and Nurse M escorted me to N's office, where there was more paperwork to go through. Nurse M was so sweet. She teared up when she was asking me how things were going since the miscarriage.

Following the consult with N, we stopped at the appointment desk and laid out the rest of the cycle. Then it was the dreaded appointment.... the appointment with the financial coordinator. I was somewhat fearing this. When I started planning for this cycle, I asked if the fee schedule had changed. She told me it had. The coordinator fee went from $550 to $1000! EEEK. I explained to her that we were already matched with our embryos, and were very familiar with the whole process. There should be little else to do outside of a normal FET. She said she would visit with some people and we could sit down and talk about it. During our meeting, she told us they had decided to completely WAIVE the $1000 fee. PRAISE THE LORD! What a huge relief. That paired with the fact that I now have a bit of infertility treatment coverage with our new insurance, this cycle should cost us a FRACTION of what we paid for the two cycles last year.

So here we go. I'm on birth control pills for another couple of weeks, and then the roller coaster starts again....... Stay tuned for the ride.

Today's adventure

I took a friends advice and went to see a counselor through my company's EAP, and can I just say... God is good! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, but glad I went. She asked why I was there, and I gave her my story. I didn't say anything about my faith at all. The only hint she may have had from my words to that end was saying something about waiting for a miracle. She told me, "There's a reason you're here today. There's a reason I had an opening so soon when you called. I really feel like that was the Lord. I'm a Christian."

That was such a load off my mind! I really wanted a christian counselor, but since I had 5 sessions through my company's program, I decided to try it out that way first. This was the first counselor on their list, and so I accepted the referral.I really feel like a bit of the load has been lifted. She even teared up a few times in the session. She ended the session hugging me and telling me I had one more person praying for me.

Recovery

I'm happy to report my physical recovery has gone beautifully. If you'd like to know the details of the D&C procedure, and my experience, I'd be happy to share. If I can not use my experiences to help someone else, then it truly is all in vain. I spent a couple of days taking it easy after the D&C, and took the prescribed pain killers. I was back to work on Friday. I'm all but done bleeding. Truthfully, I had only a small amount of spotting for the days following the procedure. I got through today with very little discomfort, and no medication at all.

On the emotional front I think the D&C helped as well. It gave a measure of immediate closure. It didn't solve everything. I'm not "better." I don't know what "better" is. As with our last loss, I expect to eventually find a new type of normal. Little Bella Hope forever changed the shape of my heart, just as Gabe did. I am still having daily emotional melt downs. I know they will eventually spread out a bit. Yesterday it was caused by nausea. I was sitting in my recliner and felt nauseous. I had very little morning sickness in my pregnancy. I was very fortunate, but I was also thankful when I felt nausea. It was a reminder to me that I had a miracle growing inside me. Yesterday it made me mad. I was no longer thankful, because it was a reminder that our miracle was gone. Today I cried in church. Praise and worship time in church seems to be a time of heightened emotions for me. Today was no different.

I want a baby. That desire has not left. But I'm terrified to try again. I know I am in the thick of grief, but I don't know if I can do this another time. I don't think I will rest easy in a pregnancy ever again. Time will tell.

A Name

With the D&C, we didn't opt for genetic testing. I had hoped they would be able to test the remains only to find out the gender. They couldn't do this without full chromosome analysis. I really felt that was unnecessary, and would probably reveal more questions than answers. So we will have no medical confirmation of gender.

I told Mark early on that I thought this baby was a girl. This is all we have to work with, so that's what we're going with . I don't want to forever refer to the baby as "it" or "him/her." So we needed a name. She was a person. I know not everyone names their lost children. This is just one thing I need for my healing.

When I thought about a name, I immediately thought of "beautiful." We needed something that means beautiful. That last ultrasound picture was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. The name we settled on is Bella Hope.

Little Bella,
You were beautiful and perfect in every way. With you we felt a hope that we haven't had for a long time, and we only pray we can have again someday. Please hug and kiss Grandma Lucy, Gabe, and all of your other brothers and sisters. You have forever changed the shape of our hearts. We love you and miss you like crazy.

Home again

We arrived home several hours ago, but I had to sleep off some pain meds. I didn't talk to the doctor after the procedure, but Mark did. Everything went well.

We got to the hospital, signed the paperwork, had some blood drawn, the nurse drawing my blood said some stupid things without knowing why I was there. I ended up crying. Then it was off to Pre-Op. They knew why I was there, so they were much more sensitive. They took my vitals, and did more paperwork, and then I got all dressed up in my gown, and my IV inserted. I got to lay covered in piles of warmed blankets for awhile before they wheeled me into the operating room. There, they opened my gown and the tear away sleeves, stuck sensors around my body, the anesthesia provider was up by my head and said something that I don't even remember, and poof! I woke up in recovery. So far, my hand hurts the most where the IV was, so I'm going to count myself lucky! The highlight of my day was probably hearing the lullaby played over the hospital PA system announcing a birth, as I was wheeled out to the car. Oh the irony!

Physically, I think I'm doing very well. Emotionally I'm holding up pretty good right now as well. That isn't to say there are no struggles. I have tears, but not as bad as I have in recent days. I'm so far very glad I opted for the D&C over a natural miscarriage. I think this will allow me to get on with the healing, both physically and emotionally. I'm off work for the next 2 days. I will return to work on Friday.

A special thank you to those who have been praying for us during this season. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you for bearing our burdens along with us. My most recent dose of pain meds is kicking in, so I should stop writing before I embarrass myself, if I haven't already!

Today's apointment

Our appointment today went as well as can be expected. We started in a waiting room full of about 20 huge pregnant bellies. I had a hard time with this. Once Mark arrived, I hid in the corner behind something and cried. We waited about 20 minutes there. Then we went to the exam room. The ultrasound tech was the same one we had for the previous ultrasound. There was no change in the baby. Same exact size and no heartbeat, but looked perfect. She said she would go get the doctor. I asked if I should get dressed or not. She said she thought so, but wasn't sure, so she would go check. She never came back, so I sat there half naked with my over sized paper towel over my legs. We waited there about 30 minutes.

Doctor came in and said "So, looks like you're pregnant." Neither Mark or I responded. My friend warned me of this particular doctor's strange bedside manor (But also told me she had complete confidence in him, and out of all the doctors in the practice, he would be her first choice). He commented on how perfect the baby looked, which surprised him for stopped growth nearly 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take a look, because when it comes to stuff like this he doesn't trust anyone but himself. He got a call from Labor & Delivery, but asked the nurse to take a message. It felt good that we didn't get pushed aside. He went over our options and the pro's and con's of each. We opted to go ahead with the D&C. He said he would go start the scheduling process for tomorrow. Then no one came back... for about 20 minutes. Dr had to go ahead and go to L&D, and the surgery schedule was temporarily MIA, so they would have to call me back to let me know. The rest of the details are boring (not that any of this story has been exciting). D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

Here is baby's final picture. I asked for a copy of it. Looks perfect to me. I found it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. No one said the emotions of this process made any sense. I asked if we could find out the gender without doing the full panel of genetic testing and the nurse said no. It's all or none. I'm going to ask the doctor tomorrow if I can. There's no point in doing the genetic testing as this baby is no genetic relation, but I'd really like to know the gender.

Delayed reaction

It's been over a week since we learned our baby was gone. I immediately stopped taking my progesterone and estrogen. The only way we knew the baby was gone was the ultrasound at my first OB appointment. My body gave no indication anything was wrong. In fact with she did the physical exam, everything seemed to be right on. I hadn't had any bleeding for 2 and a half weeks, nothing since several days before the ultrasound that we saw that beautiful beating heart.

I've still had all of my pregnancy symptoms. I woke this morning very early, about 3:30 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I was tired, but my mind wouldn't shut off. I got up and spent some time on my computer. I posted a message on a forum asking questions about what to expect with a D&C, because for some reason my body hasn't gotten the memo. I went back to sleep at about 7:30 am. Wouldn't you know it, someone sent the memo while I slept. I woke up and had been bleeding a bit. Probably TMI I know, but I'm too emotionally drained to really care.

I seriously doubt my body will pick up the pace enough in the next day or so to resolve this before the D&C. I don't HAVE to do the D&C, but I'm hoping the procedure will resolve things more quickly. One of my nurses warned that a natural miscarriage at this point could be quite painful, but I've heard others say that they miscarried at this same stage of development, and it was a heavy period. I know the contractions I had when I finally completed the miscarriage last time were NOTHING like menstrual cramps, and I had much less to pass that time.

I know the physical discomfort will be very temporary, whichever way this is completed. I'm just concerned about dragging the process on. I know every experience was different. But with my last experience, I started spotting at about 5 weeks, and it picked up later that week. The baby was confirmed gone at 6 weeks. I continued bleeding for another 5 weeks. I took a week off of work when we first learned the baby was gone. Thinking it would happen quickly. As it happened, I ended up having strong contractions one day at work. We were short handed, and there was no way I could leave. I just got to endure, and come home and take a pain pill and go to sleep. The following Monday my hcg level was back to zero. I don't want the long drawn out process again. This is why I'm opting for a D&C. I guess maybe it's my way of taking some control of the situation.

In the next couple of days, as I know more I'll give you an overview of the procedure itself. Christmas morning was horrible this year, but that too is a story for another day. A truly heartfelt thank you to those of you who have sent your well wishes and prayers. They mean the world.

I'm not alright...

This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you

I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.

Can I be real here? That's what it's here for, right? I have a dead human being inside me. It's a sobering thought. I no longer have a living little baby I can talk to, or read bible stories to. The soul of this precious child has passed from my body into heaven. Because of the hormone therapy I was on (and the fact that my body has never done much of anything "right"), my body doesn't know yet. So the tiredness an bouts of nausea continue. I admit I've had a very easy pregnancy, if you subtract this past Friday from the equation.

This weekend was spent as normal as possible. We finished up some Christmas shopping Friday. We did some grocery shopping Saturday. I tried to be a bit productive, and did some housework, and wrapped some Christmas gifts. Mark and I exchanged our gifts, as we don't know what the coming days have in store for us. "Normal" has been a sort of distraction. Don't get me wrong. I've grieved. I've cried buckets of tears. But at least I can give my mind a bit of a break, from the constant streaming thoughts that are all over the page, sort of like the content of this blog post.

I must also admit, due to the advise of an online friend who is no stranger to the grief of losing babies, I spent WAAAAAAAAY too many hours playing Animal Crossing on the Wii. I really didn't think I'd like it, so we rented it. Both Mark an I enjoyed it, and while I normally can't justify spending that kind of money on a video game, it will be purchased this week. Thanks Kristina.

And on that random note, with this poor grammar, I must say farewell, time to get ready for work!

Another heavenly babe...

Our baby is gone. It seems my body is not meant for life. I am a tomb. I'm emotional right now, crying at the drop of a hat, but at the same time I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I had my first OB appointment today. Went through the pap, and physical exam, pee'd in a cup, gave them all the explanations on EA, previous infertility and miscarriage experience, etc. Then they called to see if there was still an ultrasound tech. There was, she tried an abdominal u/s, but couldn't get a good enough look, so I emptied my bladder and we went for the magic wand. I could see right away there was no heartbeat. But she kept working away, so I thought maybe I was missing something. She clicked away at her machine for what seemed like 5 minutes, before I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said I'm still looking, but I haven't been able to get it yet. I had also seen some of her measurements on the screen say 9w1d, and I should be at 10w3d. So baby has probably been gone a week. She then went to get a doctor to confirm.They gave me the choices as to what to do next.

I'm going to wait till after Christmas, and hope something happens on it's own before then. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping as of yet. I will stop my meds today. I have another appointment on Dec 29 to double check and make sure I don't have a miracle (his words- he's been wrong before, he doesn't think he's wrong this time, but we can wait and see) and if it is confirmed gone at that point, they will schedule a d&c for the next day. I know I'm early enough, and the baby is small enough that I should be fine to m/c natural, but I had such a bad experience last time. I'd rather get it over with, and not drag it out another month, and labor at work like last time.

Sometimes you've just gotta dance...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ultrasound pictures

Well, as anticipated, I didn't ever get around to pulling out the scanner and hooking it up over the weekend. But I did scan them this morning at work. Here they are. Little one is upside down, so use your imagination.


Baby measured 18 mm from head to bum, and had a heart rate of 176 bpm. The last picture is the best :) You can even see the little leg sticking out in the top of the black circle. The heartbeat was an amazing thing to see.

Released!?!?

We had a wonderful appointment today with our RE. We saw the baby as soon as he stuck in the magic wand (ultrasound probe). He didn't have to point it out to me, I KNEW, and I saw the heartbeat right away. That is really what I was hoping for. Baby Bean measured 8w0d, and we are 8w3d, so a little small, but nothing to worry about. He said everything looked perfect, well attached. Heart rate was 176 b/m. He pointed out a little arm and a little leg. He gave me a weaning schedule for my meds. If I can bring myself to pull out the scanner this weekend, I'll post the u/s pictures. If not, I'll scan them Monday at work.

I'm now released from the RE, to go to a regular OB/GYN!! This is totally uncharted territory for us.

I say all of this with excitement, and at the same time my heart is heavy for the ladies I know and love with arms that long to be filled. We have been on this road for a long time, and I know ladies who have been on it longer. But duration doesn't determine the pain. Infertility hurts. Period. While this blog may be changing in it's content, the pain of infertility is still there, lingering in the background. I'm sad that I have friends who will no longer feel comfortable visiting here as often as they used to, because of the sting. I know you are happy for me, but that it hurts your heart. That's OK. I understand well. I don't even know for sure who I'm talking to, but you do, and so does God, so I will be praying.

Wonderful quiet long weekend

Mark and I were both off for the long weekend. We spent a few hours with each of our families on Thursday, and Friday ventured out to Costco. We bought a new DVD player for a really good deal, but that was really about it. Friday I decided that we didn't bring home enough Thanksgiving leftovers, so we made our own mini feast of our favorites. Ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. The last cooking we did for the weekend :) Friday evening we went out, stopped at Starbucks and got a Carmel Apple Cider, (yummmmy!) and drove around to find a good parking spot to watch "Christmas in the Nighttime Sky." It's a local tradition we've never taken part in, but I think we will make it a tradition. The business that puts this on hosts a Potato/Chili dinner that is free with a new toy donation, then they have a beautiful fireworks display with Christmas music. We decided to have our own dinner, and view from the warmth of the car. Partly because we just didn't want to mess with being bussed to the location, etc, and partly because I think Mark is afraid the baby will get cold if I'm outside too long. :) This kid is well insulated in LAYERS AND LAYERS of fat! Mark is taking great care of us though.

We did venture out a few times this weekend, but the majority of the weekend has been spent lounging around. Thankfully the bleeding has stopped, and is only occasional spotting. Usually once or twice per day. I'm very anxious for our next ultrasound. Hopefully there will be a lot more to see this time!

Lady did her share of lounging. She's sleeping next to me right now. She's been dreaming a BUNCH this weekend. She's running in her sleep right now. Both yesterday and today she woke me up with her muffled sleep-barking. I think it's cute.

Well, it's time for me to get some sleep. I had a nap this afternoon. That is the only thing that has enabled me to be awake this late. Goodnight. Thanks for all of you who were checking in on me.

The last couple of weeks

The last couple of weeks have been both eventful and uneventful. Let me explain. With my last post, I was very excited to tell you all of the fantastic increase in my hcg beta. I didn't anticipate anything to update you with until my ultrasound appointment on Friday, November 21.

Last Wednesday while I was at work, I used the restroom, and noticed some spotting. It reminded me so much of how last year's miscarriage started. I was terrified. I called and spoke to a nurse at my clinic who did her best to reassure me. It's very normal. It happens in one in four pregnancies. Reduce activity and increase fluid intake. Call if I'm filling a pad in an hour. The unfortunate thing about the speech is that it is the same one I received last year as I miscarried, so I was able to find very little comfort in it. I went to work for 2 hours on Thursday, and the spotting continued, so I went home again for the day, and notified them I would be gone all day Friday. I came home and rested Thursday for the rest of the day. That seemed to be the end of the spotting. I fully expected more Friday after the ultrasound. (I knew the ultrasound would be via the magic wand, which can agitate things in there). But I escaped Friday with NO spotting. Must have been a fluke thing.

We had the ultrasound Friday. The purpose of this was to determine how many of the 3 embryos transferred actually attached, and to verify that they were in the correct place. I could not see a THING on the ultrasound. He had to do some searching, but found one little bean, snug where it should be. It was very tiny, and he said he could see the heartbeat. I saw a little bit of movement, but I would never have pointed that out as a heartbeat. However, this guy was the expert, so we're going to go with his opinion on it!

Saturday morning I lounged around a bit, and did a some ironing. I tried on several outfits, and decided what I would wear to Mark's company Christmas Party later that afternoon. Before you start with the comments, I KNOW! It's EARLY for a Christmas Party. I didn't plan it, I was just planning to attend. I went to the restroom, and what I saw was far beyond spotting. I went into total panic mode. I quickly went to bed, where I spent the remainder of the weekend. The bleeding lasted several hours. Mark really needed to attend this party for work. There were several reasons, one of them being he is management, another is that he had a portion of the gifts to be handed out at the party. I called my mom, to let her know what was going on, and she insisted on coming over. She stayed with me until Mark got home.

She prayed for me several times. Before the end of the weekend there were hundreds of people all over the country, and some around the world praying for us. Thankfully the bleeding stopped that evening. I had spotting for several more days. Today seems to be in the clear, but my family insists on keeping me on light duty. That's OK, I'll do whatever I can to keep this little been snug where it needs to be!

Next ultrasound will be in a couple of weeks. We should see a very clear heartbeat (I'm thinking Mark and I should be able to identify it) and maybe arms and legs! I'm excited for that one. I just want to get through this scary first tri stuff!

Thank you to those of you out there who already knew most of this, and were praying for us. Your prayers were appreciated and effective!

Major Praise!!

I had another beta hcg test today. Monday's level was 333. For today we needed to see a minimum of 650-ish, but we were hoping for more in the 1000 range. Oh me of little faith was just expecting the 600's, but God amazed me once again.

My hcg today was 1236!! I'm in awe. So much more than I hoped for. We were praying for at least 1000.No more beta tests now. Next step is an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. She gave me a due date of July 14. I had already figured that, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

I pulled out my work calendar, and compared the beta numbers from my previous pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage. My hcg was 59 at the same time that now it is 1236. Thankfully we're way ahead of that.

Thank you to all of you who pray for us!

What a difference a week makes...

I haven't updated in awhile, and this is LONG one... so skip to the picture now if you don't want to read it! :)

The long version:

We had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with donor embryos (known to those in favor of embryonic stem cell research as "medical waste" - but that's a rant for another day) on October 24th. My first blood test (beta hcg) was on November 1, 8 days past transfer. My blood tests are almost always same day results. They warned me ahead of time that this wouldn't be. I had a repeat test on Monday, November 3. They said they would compare both results and give them to me at the same time. I was talking to someone that day and telling them I think this is a great idea if it's positive, but if it's negative, I think it's more hurtful. It's an unnecessary stick with the needle, and dragging things out longer than necessary. Oh how little I know!

I took the day off work Monday the 3rd. I didn't want to be anticipating the phone call all day while at work. The other side of that is with our last transfer I had an all out temper tantrum when I got the a negative result. Best not to be kicking, screaming and bawling at work. Call me crazy!

I went to the hospital lab right shortly after they opened at 7:00 am. I had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests over the weekend and they were negative. I was pretty sure that it was negative. And already trying to figure out where we could get the money to do another transfer next year. Barb, the lady who draws my blood most of the time is so sweet! I know she prays for me when she does the draw. (As a side note, it was a different lady who did my blood draw on Saturday the 1st, and she prayed for me too, and I didn't know her! Isn't it cool how God puts people in our paths!?) I asked Barb how long it usually takes for them to send the results to my doctor's office, she said they are typically done within the hour. So I decided to go to work for an hour. I knew it was going to be a crazy busy day for them being short handed. Then I went home to wait. Lunchtime came and Mark asked if I'd heard anything yet. Nope :( He asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test. I told him no, why waste it? But then I got impatient, so I decided to go pee on a stick. We got the wrong pregnancy test, and these were to be used after the first day of a missed period (some can be used as early as 4 days earlier). It showed negative really quick. I tucked it under the counter because I'd told Mark I wasn't going to waste it.

Mark returned to work for the afternoon, and I continued my wait. I went to retrieve the home pregnancy test from under the counter. I took one last glance before I tossed it in the trash. To my great surprise, there was the faintest second line. It was one that I had to look at it in a bright light, and at the right angle, and kind of squint just right. But there appeared to be something there. The only problem with this is results are only reliable if read in the first 10 minutes. So it could have been an what's called an evap line. So I grabbed my phone and my purse and headed out to the nearest grocery store. I didn't like their selection, and they were SO expensive. I really wanted an EPT, or First Response Early Response. So I decided to head across town to Target.

I decided to splurge on an EPT digital. I thought about it, and couldn't decide if I had 5 seconds worth of pee in me, and I couldn't wait ANY longer to take this test. So I grabbed a package of paper cups, went through the checkout and headed to the bathroom. Yes, I'm admitting this. you read correctly. I took my home pregnancy test in the bathroom at Target. I was correct, I didn't have 5 seconds worth of pee, so I'm glad I used the cup. I sat there while the little digital screen flashed a little hour glass for what seemed like an eternity. I'm sure it was only a couple of minutes. This is what I saw:

It's a blurry picture taken with my cellphone, and have no fear, I didn't take it in the bathroom, it was in my car right after I left the bathroom, but it says PREGNANT!!

I decided to go get a Cherry Limeaide from Sonic and take it to Mark. I took the drink in to Mark at work. He asked if I'd gotten the call yet. I told him no. So at this point he thought the drink was the only reason I was there. He walked me out to my car like he normally does, and when we got to the car I pulled the test out of my pocket. I was so excited to tell him. While we were there in the parking lot I got the call. It was a mixed bag as far as the results go. Saturday's result was an hcg level of 2. Anything under 5 is considered not pregnant. Monday's result was 29! That's a great increase in just 2 days, but we are off to a low and slow start. I was glad for a positive, but it reminded me so much of my low and slow betas with Gabe when that lead to a miscarriage. Oh, and that part I mentioned earlier about not liking how they did the 2 draws before giving me results. They know more than I. Because if we went off the first results it would have been considered negative, and I would have stopped taking my meds, which in my opinion, would have meant a certain miscarriage. But the second results were a certain positive.

Since then I've had 2 more betas. At this stage of pregnancy, hcg levels should double AT LEAST every 48 to 72 hours. My test on Wednesday was 51. So not quite a double, but within range. I had another today, and it increased to 333! That calculates to doubling every 44.3 hour since the previous test. The total hcg is still on the low end of the spectrum for where it should be at this stage, but it's increasing appropriately. I will have another draw later this week, and we need to see at least 600 then, but we are hoping for closer to 1000. 1000 would send me over the moon!

What a difference a week makes. Last week I was sure it was negative, today the outlook is so much different! We are excited and hoping and praying this is our take-home baby(babies).

Hello big cruel world

Well, I left the safety of my cozy home today to go back into the big cruel world. No more bedrest, it was back to work today. I did good. I followed directions. I didn't lift anything I shouldn't. I was pooped when I got home even though work wasn't terribly busy. I need to venture out to Walmart. I can't decide if I should do it tonight or another night.... hmmmm..... the big decisions in life!

No news is good news

Well, I'm taking the "no news is good news" approach. I went in for my blood work at 7 am this morning, the results were to be STAT. My clinic only calls on blood work if there is a problem, and the doses need to be changed. I called the pharmacy today and they said they were sorry about the outdated medication, and they would mix up some new ones for me. These don't expire until April. MUCH better! I've had some cramping today. Not sure if that's good bad, or gas ;) I've been enjoying taco soup this week.

My mom brought over dinner today and cleaned the kitchen. I thought she was just going to load the dishwasher. She did more, and I'm embarrassed. My stove looks great!

Pictures

Human Life, in it's nearly smallest form! These are day 3 embryos. I'm not sure exactly how many cells they have, but aren't they beautiful. Two cells join, become one, and then quickly begin the process of dividing. This is a picture of the embryos that were placed inside me on Friday. These are our babies!! The ultrasound picture is them being placed. It's surreal watching the ultrasound screen as the tube is guided into position. The little bright spot in the middle of he screen is where they were placed. The big black area at the top is my VERY FULL bladder!

Prayer request

Please pray for my progesterone levels. I will have a blood test tomorrow to make sure everything is OK. I have been on progesterone in oil injections since Tuesday. I'm not concerned about that (other than they hurt and leave bruises). The day of transfer I started another form of progesterone. Because this blog may be read by mixed company, I won't say exactly how the progesterone is administered, I'll tell you it isn't by shot or by mouth, and leave the rest to your imagination, and that should get you in the ball park. Anyway, this other form of progesterone comes from a local compounding pharmacy. Meaning they mix up the medication there at their pharmacy. I picked up all of my medications at the beginning of this cycle, on September 30. I didn't need all of the medications at that time, but I just wanted to save myself several trips to the pharmacy. So Friday night I went to use the progesterone. The box is labeled to discard after 10/20/08! OH NO! This is on 10/24 that I discovered it. I called the pharmacy the next day. (Oh, I should mention, I filled this from the prescription written on 10/24/07 in preparation for our previous FET, so I can't even get a refill). The pharmacist tells me the labels are computer generated, and the mediation should be fine. I called the clinic and talked to an on call Nurse Practitioner. She said the medication should be fine, but for peace of mind she called in a new prescription. I sent Mark to pick it up. He brings it home, hands it to me for verification. This one says.... get this.... "Discard after 8/15/08" I'm furious. How hard it this? I've never had trouble with this pharmacy before. Then I realized, I can't be furious. I'm not allowed. I'm on vacation. I'm on the beach. I'm chillin. I'm making a happy place for babies. But for crying out loud!

My required bed rest is 2-4 days. I'll be up more than I'd like to be tomorrow. Please pray my blood work comes back just right. And that none of this causes any problems with the babies. There is a lot of time, effort, emotion, energy, money, not to mention HUMAN LIVES involved here. I don't want any of that in jeopardy because of a stupid expired medication.

We're home....

and I'm on Princess Status. We arrived home several hours ago, but I've been sleeping off the Valium. Everything went beautifully, and we currently have 3 babies on board. He said that on average each one has a 20-25% chance. They thawed one "straw" that had 3 embryos and all of them looked good when they thawed, so that is what we went with for transfer. I'm currently on bed rest for the next several days. Mark is already doing a fantastic job of taking care of me!

We're off to see the wizard....

The wonderful wizard of Oz... Probably not the best title for a post about going to the baby doctor, but here we go. I'd love prayers for the thaw and transfer of our embryos today!

Shampoo, Lather, Rinse, Repeat..

I have been running a million miles per hour this week! Sooooo much to do. The house is about 2/3 put back together after the carpet cleaning. The carpet looks better. I still don't like the carpet, but not much I can do about that right now. At least it's not nasty ;)

It's late Wednesday as I'm writing this. The transfer is Friday. Yes, THIS Friday! As in the day after tomorrow. As in, 37 hours from now. Starting Friday I will be on Princess status. I'll be on bed rest for the first few days. Then I'll take it easy until the beta hcg blood test. I haven't had much time to be excited. I'm actually exhausted!

Monday I was on the go from 7 am to 11 pm. Tuesday was 8 am to 8 pm, then came home and worked on Uppercase Living orders. Today was 8 am to 7 pm, and I worked on a little bit of cooking and then Uppercase Living order. Tomorrow I will only work until about 1 or 2 at my regular job, but I expect more of the same. Shampoo, Lather, Rinse, Repeat... I need to take time for some rest sometime tomorrow. I don't want to feel run completely down when it comes time for transfer!

Thank you those who are praying for us! I really want this to be the one!

More needles!

As if the prescribed needles weren't enough for me over the last week, I added the flu shot, and then on Thursday, I added acupuncture! I hate needles. I should say that. I can't watch anyone give me a shot. I can't watch when they draw blood. The average mother can always bring up labor when their (usually older) child. "I was in labor for x hours with you..." I will be able to bring up needles!

This week we really pick up the pace with this treatment cycle. Yes, that includes more needles. First thing tomorrow I have a blood draw at the local hospital lab. This is to check my estrogen levels, to make sure I am still on an appropriate dose of the Tues/Friday evening shots of estridol valerate. Tuesday morning I will begin daily PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. SO NOT FUN! Tuesday I will also add two more sets of pills to the am/pm cocktail. I believe one is a steroid, and one is an antibiotic. Then Friday is the big day. We will leave bright and early in the morning for Boise. We will arrive at the clinic one hour early, and the acupuncturist I met with earlier this week will be there. He will treat me both before and after the transfer. If this one goes anything like the last, I will sleep all the way home! Good times!

I also have a very busy week other than the treatment cycle. We spent this weekend tearing the house apart to clean, and prepare to have the carpets cleaned on Tuesday. I've got an Uppercase Living Party Monday night, and hopefully 3 different parties to close and send in before Thursday. Oh, and I have to work at my normal job too!

A Winter Wonderland.... in October?

Friday we had a bit of snow during the day, but nothing that really stuck. A bit early for our area, but not unheard of. Saturday morning we woke up to a WHITE yard. Throughout the day it melted off, but was white all over again this morning. I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures!

Needles, needles everywhere!!

Last Tuesday I had my first shot for this cycle. Over the course of this treatment nonsense, Mark has gotten pretty good at the injections. I hardly felt a thing! Friday was a repeat. This one I felt a bit more, but a hot water bottle took care of that. Saturday morning, we decided to bite the bullet and go get our flu shots. We went to the "doc in the box" (walk in doctor's office) right when they opened. We were in and out in less than ten minutes! Not too bad. This one hurt worse than than the rest of my needles for the week. Tomorrow morning I will go to the hospital lab for a blood draw. This will be to check my hormone levels, to see if the dose needs to be adjusted for the injections I'm currently taking. The crazy thing of all of this is we are hoping this is the first week of about... 13 more weeks of injections. If the treatment cycle is successful, I will have to remain on them through the first trimester of pregnancy.

Other than that, I've been keeping myself busy with my Uppercase Living business. I've got quite a few parties going! I'm happy with that. I'm still spending about as much as I'm making, but hopefully I'll start turning a profit. I have a very full calendar this month between doctors appointments and UL Parties. Busy is good. Makes the time go by faster!

Here we go again!

I was going to keep this one quiet, but I'll go ahead and share the secret. We are going to have another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! This month actually. We had a doctor's appointment yesterday to check everything out. We're off and running. Mark gave me my first estriodol injection yesterday. I wish they were all like that. The progesterone is the yucky one.... Oh how I dread it! PIO is bad stuff. But we'll get to that later.

At my appointment yesterday our coordinator Kara threw a curve at us. We have a HUGE decision to make we would love your prayers for guidance. These are human lives we are dealing with, and we want to make sure we are making the right decision!