More OUCH!!

We had the IUI today. The procedure was probably the worst that I have done. This is our third IUI, and the hsg (dye test that revealed a blocked tube) was similar in that the catheter was used to introduce something into my uterus. Out of all of those experiences, today was the worst. Not to say that it was really bad. Just very uncomfortable and at times very crampy and painful. She tried quite a few times to get the catheter in and it just wouldn't go. She said there was probably an enlarged gland inside the cervix blocking the path. After several minutes of trying, she changed to a different type of catheter with a smaller, but slightly stiffer tube, and it took a few tries but finally she got in. This isn't the first time it's been a rough entry. I have a tricky cervix. Add that to the list of my malfunctions!

There is definitely nothing wrong with Mark's boys. As always he had great counts. 36.5 million total count. 83% of them were motile. After they were washed and processed 11 million were used for the insemination. You may be asking why the insemination? What's wrong with the old fashioned way?

The uterine cervix acts as the principle filter for sperm during intercourse
and less than one percent of the sperm is naturally able to migrate up through
the uterus and into the fallopian tube where natural fertilization occurs. With
IUI, the cervix is bypassed and a small volume of highly concentrated sperm is
placed directly into the uterine cavity, thereby increasing the chances of
success to a much higher rate than can be accomplished with natural intercourse
or intracervical insemination during treatment cycles.

Basically, for conception to occur, the sperm have to find their way into some friendly fluid secreted by the cervix. They swim their way from the semen into that fluid called cervical mucus. If conditions are right in that mucus, they can last for up to 5 days. From there they go up through the cervix, inter the uterus. From the uterus into the fallopian tubes, where they meet up with an egg. There are any number of obstacles in the way throughout this process. I can't find the exact article I once read before our first IUI 2 years ago (2 years ago tomorrow to be exact!) but it goes something like this. While the initial deposit of semen may contain millions of sperm, often only tens or hundreds of thousands of the little swimmers will make it through the cervix into the uterus. By doing the IUI procedure today they were able to cut out a whole bunch of obstacles (swollen gland in the cervix blocking the way, etc) and deposit a MUCH higher concentration of 11 million near the tubes. This just gives us greater odds.

Tomorrow I will begin progesterone support for the next 2 weeks until our pregnancy test. The progesterone is to help maintain the lining of the uterus so an embryo has a nice safe place to nestle in. Progesterone is naturally released by the remains of the ruptured follicle (corpus luteum-- you can see this on the diagram from a yesterday).

I'm on princess status now. Until such time as we find I am definitely not pregnant, we will operate on the assumption that I am! No matter what we have done, this is still in God's hands. So now we wait...


Oh yeah... The picture and post about injection site reaction were made from my cellphone. That's why the picture is a little blurry. It really doesn't do the welt justice. It's about the size of a chicken egg and very red. I asked the nurse about it today and she said it's a fairly common reaction. If it lasts more than a few days or gets worse then there would be concern about infection. And NO, it's not my bum. All of these shots were in my belly. Not much prettier than my bum, but just putting your minds at ease. I'm not posting bum pictures online.

Ouch!

Injection site reaction. Lots of fun. I have a matching bruise on the other side. Off to I go. More later.

Great appointment!

Today was a major answer to prayer. I was hoping so much for the start of a couple of good follicles on the right side, but not too many. Wouldn't you know it, with today's ultrasound they found 2 "perfect follicles" ready to go! With my last cycle with this same treatment protocol and same medication I had to take 5 of the shots to stimulate my ovaries to produce follicles. This time I had to take 2! Every treatment we've done has taken longer than expected. Today I'm on day 9. That's almost a week earlier than normal. This has caused a few scheduling conflicts because I wasn't quite ready for this yet. I thought it would be this weekend or early next week. I took my hcg shot this afternoon to cause the follicles to rupture and release their eggs. The eggs generally release 24-36 hours after the hcg shot. So we will be having an IUI procedure done tomorrow. The only downside to today's visit was that the lining of my uterus was a little on the thin side. They want it to be a little thicker so that an embryo has something to attach to. So I was giving a prescription for an estrogen medication that should help boost the development of the lining.

I intended on giving a fresh explanation of the IUI, but I'm tired tonight. So I'm going to recycle the description I gave in February.

This afternoon I took my last injection for this cycle. Yep, that's it. I just took a shot called hCG. That hormone is very similar to LH, the hormone the body naturally releases to signal the follicle to rupture and release the egg. hCG is also the same hormone that is released during pregnancy. It's exactly what a home pregnancy test is testing for. Soooooo, if I took a pregnancy test tomorrow it would be positive. It would be a false positive, but a positive. :) I've talked a lot this week about follicles. So here is the progression of a follicle in the ovary. Just so you have a little picture to go from.

Tomorrow afternoon, we will be at our clinic in Boise for a procedure called IUI. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. An IUI is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

The whole process doesn't take very long — it usually only requires the insertion of a speculum and then the catheter, a process that maybe takes a couple of minutes (60-90 seconds to introduce the catheter, then sperm injection, and another 60 seconds or so to remove the catheter. Most doctors have their patients lay down on the table for 15-30 minutes after the procedure.

Appointment tomorrow

I had to say a little late after work tonight to wrap things up so I could be gone tomorrow. I have an appointment in the morning. I will be going for another ultrasound. Last Wednesday the purpose of the ultrasound was to make sure there was nothing on my ovaries that they didn't want there. The purpose of tomorrow's ultrasound will be to check for what they DO want growing on there. From this they will determine future doses of my injections. Hopefully I have a couple of good follicles growing on the right side. I'll leave early in the morning, and pick up my mom. She will be riding along again this week. I'm thinking I'll be flying solo for the next appointment though. That one will probably be Friday.

Off to shave my legs. I'll report back tomorrow evening on my ultrasound results.

Well on the way!

Yesterday I finished off the last of my clomid pills. YAAAY! Too bad the side effects of clomid outlast the pills. I'm currently in the midst of a whopping hot flash! It probably doesn't help that I just came in from mowing the lawn.

Because I finished the clomid yesterday, I started injections today. So we're well in the way. I'll take an injection tomorrow, then have an ultrasound on Wednesday. From that ultrasound they'll determine how many more injections to take before another ultrasound. Today's injection was nothing going in. I feel a little ache now, but not too bad.

We have a big day of birthday parties on both sides of the family today, so I better scoot along and see if I can accomplish anything else this morning!

Busy day at home

Today was a SUPER busy day at home. I have been doing what Mark now frighteningly calls "nesting." I am very hopeful for a pregnancy very soon. So I am doing my best to prepare my home. I'm trying to get things done that I wouldn't (or shouldn't) do while pregnant. I'm also trying to get the house clean from top to bottom so that in the coming weeks after the insemination, I can take it easy, and make "a happy place for babies."

Last night I got the grout on the new bathroom tile sealed twice. Today we got the toilet set back in place, and gave the bathroom a serious cleaning. I could eat in there right now. Better hurry if I want to do that before Mark heads in there... Oops, never mind. I really didn't want to anyway.

I've also finished up a few other little projects around the house while I still had my dad's nail gun and other miscellaneous tools. I feel so good about getting these things done! I'm tired, but it feels good! Tomorrow I plan to get my nightstand painted and hopefully my hair highlighted, and do some more cleaning. If I make enough progress this weekend, I may pull out the carpet cleaner and give them a good cleaning. Not sure on that one though.

I'll do more cleaning throughout the next week and if all goes well, I'm guessing I'll have the insemination as soon as next weekend. After that, I'll be taking it easy. I plan to do some crocheting, make several quilts, and maybe reorganize our closet. Earlier this year during my 2 week wait (2ww) I took down all of our curtains, washed and ironed them. It's been 7 months, so maybe I'll do that again too. In general, I'll just be keeping a low profile. I don't know that it's required, but if it gives a little one even the tiniest help in implanting and staying put, I'm all for it! I will be on a self imposed princess status.

Tomorrow morning I will take the last of my clomid. I've done very well on it this time as far as side effects go. I've experienced very little of the clomid crazies that I have in the past. I have been having hot flashes, a little light headed from time to time, and an occasional "visual disturbance." When I was on a clomid only protocol, my dose was twice what I am taking now, and oh how that messed with me. So glad not to have to go through that again!

Results of yesterday's bloodwork

Disappointing results. My FSH is still elevated. This normally indicates a poor ovarian reserve. Because of this, they are going to recommend a more aggressive approach to treatment in the future (I can only guess she was referring to IVF). I don't completely understand these test results, so I will just share with you some information I have found on the internet.

What is FSH?

Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) is one of the two “gonadotropins” secreted from the pituitary gland to regulate the function of the ovary (LH or Luteinizing Hormone being the other). FSH stimulates the ovaries’ production of estrogen and promotes development of the follicles. The estradiol produced by the ovaries signals the brain to decrease the production of FSH. Therefore if there is not enough estrogen produced by the ovary, then the brain doesn’t receive the signal and FSH production continues.

What is ovarian reserve and why is it important?

Ovarian reserve is defined as the health of the ovaries and the eggs they
contain. As a women ages, the amount of eggs in reserve naturally decreases
and
her FSH levels increase. The amounts of eggs in reserve can only be
approximated.

What do the numbers mean?
Less than 9 A good level and you should expect an adequate response to ovarian stimulation
9-10 Fair and response is between completely normal and somewhat
reduced
10-12 Reduced ovarian reserve with a reduced response to stimulation and possibly some reduction in egg and embryo quality
12-17 Marked reduction in response to stimulation and more reduction in egg and embryo quality
Over 17 Very poor response or no response to stimulation
Over 30-40 Menopause suspected and menstrual cycles will tend to stop

After I am reading this information I am encouraged. My level was 8.6 The nurse was telling me that they prefer to see it between 2-6, and that was the criteria she was giving me in saying mine was elevated.... hmmmm. Who knows? For now I will continue taking Clomid for 3 more days.

Today's appointment

I went to Boise today for my baseline ultrasound. The appointment went well. The nurse practitioner was showing a new nurse practitioner the ropes, so I got to be a guinea pig of sorts. All was well. Each ovaries had about 13-16 small cysts. This is a classic symptom of PCOS as I described yesterday, and is very much to be expected for me. None of the cysts are too large to continue. I also began taking clomid pills today. Clomid is sort of the gateway drug in fertility treatments. I will take 100 mg of this per day today through Sunday. Monday I'll start in on injections. My next appointment is a week from today. We're off! I really pray this is the cycle that brings us our miracle!

Siamese Twin Kitties?

Don't they look like they are attached, and each have one paw? So funny how they were laying on the bed last night. They are silly cats!

In other news, I'm CRANKY at work today. Someone called in saying she wouldn't be coming in to work today. That makes my appointment this afternoon a major inconveience to some people. I'm so sorry that the things I deal with in life make a burden for other people. Like making them take extend themselves beyond their normally scheduled tasks. So tragic....

Anyway, I was able to call and change my appointment to a little bit later in the day today for my ultrasound. That makes things a little less inconvenient around here. Maybe drawers will stop slamming for awhile.

Oh yeah, I grouted the tile last night, so maybe by tomorrow we can be back to 2 functioning toilets at our house. :)

What exactly is my malfunction??

While no one has asked, some may be wondering exactly what is wrong with that we have been trying to get pregnant for over 4 years, and still have empty arms. So even if you weren't wondering, today you get to know. :)

When I was about 19 years old, I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, or in infertility-speak, PCOS. At that time, I was told I would probably have difficulty getting pregnant without the assistance of infertility treatments. PCOS is a collection of symptoms, and doctors still don't know all there is to know about it, but I'll give you the overview. When a baby girl is born she has all of the eggs she will ever have. As she matures and starts menstruating, each month various follicles begin to mature on her ovaries. Normally one follicle takes the lead and becomes the dominant follicle. The hormones are focused on that dominant follicle, and it continues to develop while the rest go away. Inside that follicle an egg is maturing. At ovulation time, a hormone called Luteinizing hormone or LH levels spike, and causes the follicle to rupture releasing the mature egg. Well, with PCOS something goes wrong in the middle of that process and the egg doesn't mature and release. So the little follicles all remain, and turn into small cysts. So on an ultrasound of my ovaries we always see a whole bunch of little cysts. If you go back to your grade school English lessons you will remember poly means many. So I have a syndrome of many cysts. The cysts are just a symptom of the problem though, not the cause. There are many, many other symptoms of PCOS. But this is the most relevant to today's lesson. The cause of PCOS is believed to be related to insulin resistance. For that reason I take medication every day that is actually for diabetes. For many women this medication has caused them to begin ovulating on a regular basis. It hasn't done much for me.

As I said, this I have known for a long time. When we first started trying to get pregnant, shortly after we got married, and it was evident things weren't happening for us, we went to our family doctor. Since we knew I had a problem, we worked on that. He did some tests, he put me on the diabetes medicine, and also learned that I had a low functioning thyroid. He put me on a medication for that as well. Things sill weren't happening, so in early 2005 we went to a gynecologist in Boise that also did infertility treatments. This doctor helped one of my best friends conceive her twins, so we were all for giving that a try. We did some basic testing and treatment with this doctor. Once again he knew that I had PCOS, and was didn't ovulate on a regular basis (if at all.) So we set out on trying to treat that. After the first cycle, they decided to make sure there wasn't a problem with Mark, so that was tested. No problems with the swimmers. Five cycles of treatment later (four ovulatory, one not) we were tapped out financially and emotionally. We had to take a break.

A year later we talked about things, and decided to explore other options. There is a history of adoption in my family. I'm all for adoption. I also don't want to miss out on the experience of pregnancy. One great option out there is called embryo adoption. (Embryo adoption is something so exciting to me, and still definitely an option for us to explore more later. That is a lesson for another day though.) Anyway, we set up a consultation with the only reproductive endocrinologist clinic in Idaho for a consultation to discuss embryo adoption. This whole process is so emotional for me, I broke down in tears in our consultation. The doctor pretty much dismissed everything I said. He said we were giving up before we ever really even tried. He ordered some more tests to be done. The first test was called an Hysterosalpingogram or an HSG. That is when a contrast fluid is injected into the uterus through a small catheter. An x-ray picture is taken as the uterine cavity is filling and then additional contrast is injected so that the tubes should fill and begin to spill into the abdominal cavity. Additional x-rays are taken as this "fill and spill" occurs. When I had the HSG done in December of 3006, we learned that my left tube was blocked. I called the other doctors office where we had done the 5 treatment cycles. I asked them to review my chart and see which side I ovulated on each of the 4 ovulatory cycles. 3 out of 4 were on the left side. So out of those 5 cycles of treatment we only had one good chance. Not very good odds. Even couples with no fertility problems at all have to try more than one month to get pregnant. Below are some pictures from an HSG. They are not from my test, but instead borrowed from a medical website.

Courtesy of Intermountain Medical Imaging, Boise, Idaho.
Figure 1 is an X-ray of contrast material moving normally from the uterus up through the fallopian tubes toward the ovaries. Figure 2 shows a blocked fallopian tube on one side.

The other thing that was discovered in the routine testing at the fertility clinic was an elevated level of FSH, or follicle stimulating hormone. That indicates a "low ovarian reserve." In other words, I'm getting low on eggs. Not too common for a 29 year old. More common for a woman entering menopause.

These things were hard to learn, but so helpful in figuring out HOW to treat me. They know that they need to make sure I'm monitored until I have a dominant follicle on the right ovary. I know that God has a plan, and He is bigger than all of these problems.

This has gotten waaaaay longer than I planned, but hopefully someone has learned something new today!

The ball is now rolling...

The title sounds almost like code doesn't it? It kind of is. Today is Cycle Day 1. Also known in infertility-speak as CD1, or more embarrassingly for the new visitors here--as the first day of my period. Why would you want to know about the first day of my period?? Because we are doing infertility treatments. Everything in a treatment cycle is based on the first day of the menstrual cycle.

Ahhhh, what a way to start the day! Today I started my day at the dentist at 7 am. I stood on my head for an hour. I had 3 different shots before I was fully numbed. I was cramping and uncomfortable. It was so much fun. I got to work on time. But it's so hard to talk on the phone as half my face is still numb. Luckily I haven't had too many customers this morning.

I called my clinic and scheduled my first appointment of the cycle. That will be for tomorrow afternoon. For this appointment they will be doing a baseline ultrasound. The purpose of this ultrasound is to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts that could interfere with the treatment this cycle. Apparently a large cyst can cause the ovaries to react differently to the medications. I've heard of people having to cancel cycles because of leftover cysts. So I'm praying that I don't have that to worry about this month. In addition to the ultrasound tomorrow, I will also have blood work done tomorrow to check some of my hormone levels.

Meds on the way...

I called today and ordered my meds. This whole treatment thing is quite an investment of time, money and emotions, but we're just about ready to get rolling. Without getting into much TMI detail, I'm guessing my baseline ultrasound will be on Thursday or Friday. At least I hope so! My clinic does weekend appointments as absolutely necessary to keep things on track, but I'm not sure about holiday weekends. I know they close down for a couple of weeks around Christmas. I guess we'll take it as it comes. If the door closes this month, then it closes.

Nothing exciting...

Nothing too exciting to report. Still waiting for my progesterone to finish doing it's duty. I finished laying the tile today. I have way more leftover than I even thought, and I'm pretty sure because of the clearance sale that I can't return it. (Dear Sister-in-law, how big is your downstairs bathroom?)

After one little oops, in which I had to ask my dad's advice again, I have the tile down, and now I get to wait until Tuesday for it to finish drying, and then I'll grout and put the baseboards and toilet back on. Here is the finished layout. I'll post another picture once it's all back together.

Daddy to the rescue!

My mom and dad came by last night, and my dad (who, by the way can do anything) talked me through how to get around my problem area. I finished my demo last night, and got the cement board down. It was about 10:30 at that point, so I decided to start dry fitting the whole tiles. I got my layout figured out. This morning I'll start sticking them down, and cutting tiles for the edges. Pretty exciting! :) I'm coming right along. I should have part wrapped up pretty quick, then I have to wait a couple of days to grout. Hmmm... waiting?? Didn't I just mention the other day how that was the theme of my life??

Uh oh....

Good news first... I've lost the weight that I gained over the weekend, so I'm back on track. It might very well be 25 pounds before we actually do our treatment cycle, but once I start the injections all bets are off. Some people have reported gaining 10 pounds during those injections. YUCK!

Now for the not so good news...

So I've been thinking. I'm trusting God to expand our family (while at the same time trusting his sovereignty--does that make any sense at all?) I pray that I will get pregnant with this cycle of treatment. So I have decided to put the quilting on hold for a week or two, and tackle some bigger projects that I probably shouldn't do when pregnant. #1 on my list was to tile our master bathroom. I've been looking at tile since I tiled our guest bathroom about a month ago. I still have all of my dad's tools, so I need to do it, or return the tools! Last night I found some highly discounted tile. I got more than enough tile for our master bathroom for about $40.00 That tile was normally $4-5 a foot! After picking up the rest of the supplies, looks like I'm into this about $75.00 Not bad for a new floor! When I got home last night I started on my demo work. I pulled back the carpet, pulled up the baseboard, tack strip, carpet pad, and all the tacks that were holding it down. This morning while in the shower I had an uh-oh moment. I remembered why I started with the guest bathroom instead of our master bath.... The water supply for the toilet came out of the wall in the guest bathroom, but it comes out of the floor in the master bathroom. AWWW NUTS! I'm going to have to have help with this one. I have no idea how to shut off the water, and remove the water supply valve to put the cement board and tile over it. So now I've ruined the flooring that was in there, and I pretty much have no choice, but to call my dad and beg him for a little help this weekend. I've bitten off more than I can chew :( My original plan was to get the toilet up tonight, and the cement board down and most of the uncut tiles. Then work on the tile cuts tomorrow and have them all set by mid-day. Now I will have to wait for my dad to even be able to get to the point that I can put down cement board. GRRR! Hopefully this isn't something that's going to add huge cost.

Hurry up and wait...

That seems to be a description of this whole process, and I think it will definitely be my theme over the coming weeks. I'm always looking forward to the next step. The next step gets here, and we wait some more. Right now I'm waiting for my period to arrive? How often in life does a woman look forward to and anxiously await the arrival of her period? That's what infertility will do to ya! Today was my third day of progesterone pills. Hopefully only a few days more. I'm anticipating my first ultrasound and blood work to be sometime next week. If not next week, then early the following week. OH how I hope that Labor Day doesn't cause a problem with this. I didn't even think about that one until now. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there!

In other news I had a realization yesterday that I am not the only one affected by the loss of our baby earlier this year. The week that we found out about our loss I ordered this necklace. I wear it often and think about our baby. Last night while I was getting dinner ready Mark came into the kitchen. He hugged me, and he picked up the pendant and kissed it. He said that our baby will always be close to our hearts. That really choked me up. Men and women deal with loss and grief so differently, that sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that was affected by this. What a very real reminder that it's not just me.

"Uncle Mark. Get set. Go!"

The title is a quote from my 3 year old niece Elyssa. She was on her mom's exercise machine, and grabbed onto the handle and said, "Uncle Mark. Get set. Go!" She wasn't talking to her Uncle Mark though. What she meant to say was "On your mark. Get set. Go!"

With that said.... here we go! (If you are reading this blog and haven't experienced infertility, or infertility treatments, chances are you are going to learn some things about the process of reproduction that you didn't know before, or maybe never wanted to know! This journey isn't for the faint at heart.)

Today I had to take a home pregnancy test to ensure I was not pregnant before I began taking Prometruim. Prometrium is a progesterone supplement. Starting today I will take a 10 day course of this medication, unless my period arrives before the 10 days is up. Typically I end up taking it for about 7 days.

Progesterone is released naturally during the later part of a woman's cycle after ovulation. This helps maintain the lining of the uterus for the implantation of a baby, but if that does not occur, levels will drop, and the lining is shed which is known as a menstrual period. Since I rarely if ever ovulate, the purpose of the progesterone at this point in the game is to bring on the shedding of the uterine lining.

Once my period starts I will call my RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist's) office to get the ball rolling, and get my appointment for the first ultrasound of the cycle. I will also call the pharmacy to have them ship my medications that day as well. We'll get into the protocol a little more later though.

For now, as I said before, please be sure your safety belt is securely latched, and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times! We're off...

Busy weekend!!

OK, so we had a super busy weekend, so I'll just give you a quick recap of the events. Friday morning we left for Boise to attend Mark's grandpa's memorial service. It was so very nicely done. Mark wasn't terribly close to this grandpa, but I'm very glad we went. Mark learned several things about Grandpa Honey that he didn't know. They had a military service. His aunt made some really neat photo mementos for everyone that attended the service. Definitely something to tuck away to share with our children someday.

After the service we visited with family for a few minutes, then headed out of town (on the way out of town, we had the fender bender mentioned yesterday). Boise is 2 hours northwest of where we live. As soon as we left Boise, we headed back towards home, but that wasn't the destination. We met up with one of my sisters, and headed 3 hours southeast to Salt Lake City. Almost my entire immediate family was there (minus Justice, my 1 year old nephew). Saturday we spent the entire day at an amusement park called Lagoon. We had lots of fun. I took quite a few pictures. I'll post some later this week. On our way back to the hotel, I got terribly sick. I ended up stuck in the room while everyone else went out to dinner. Sunday we came home. It was so good to see my dog! I could definitely tell she missed us!

In other news, I finished my "Believing God" study yesterday!! :) We ate lots of junk food, and I gained some weight back :( And I've almost finished one blanket.

I hope you have a blessed week!

Praise the Lord!

I knew it was going to be a busy weekend, and I certainly wasn't wrong! But first things first, I must give some praise to God!! Let me begin with a little background. Last year before our trip to Disneyland, I took our dog in for her vaccinations. The main one she needed was her kennel cough vaccine. Our dog Lady is a member of the family. She is as good as a person in my book. She has helped me through some rough times like no person could. While we were away on our vacation I wanted to board her at a great place that is not like an average kennel. They let the dogs loose in the building, and the dogs have the freedom to play inside our outside. They are only caged for designated quiet times and bedtime. I felt really good about leaving her there. A week after her vaccinations, a few days before we were supposed to leave on our vacation Lady started coughing, she got pretty sick. You guessed it, she had kennel cough. I was so sad. It was so hard to see my puppy sick. I don't know how moms do it with their babies! Because she was sick, we couldn't take her to the place we wanted to board her. We ended up boarding her at the vets. I hadn't seen their boarding facility until I dropped her off. It was terrible, it was cold, and hard, loud, and just stressful. I left the building BAWLING. I was sobbing so hard on the phone when I called Mark to tell him, that he almost canceled our trip. Thoughts of our dog were looming over us the whole time we were gone. In the end it was kind of good that she was at the vet, because they had ti give her antibiotics. But it was so hard.

Fast forward to last week. We were planning on leaving our dog at Mark's mom's house, but with the memorial service we didn't know for sure that was going to work out, so last week we took her in to update her kennel cough vaccine. Thursday night while I was packing, she started coughing. She was coughing a lot. I was so bummed. I didn't want to leave town again with her sick. I ended up staying up very late that night. When I finally fell into bed, Lady crawled up onto the bed in between Mark and I. She layed with her head on the pillow next to me. I decided to exercise some thoughts from my "Believing God" bible study. I prayed for my dog completely believing that God cares about the desires of my heart, and the things that are important to me. I prayed that God would touch and heal Lady, and He did. I want to cry thinking about it. I know it may sound silly to some, but it was so important to me, and God knew!

The next praise came Friday evening on our way out of Boise. I was on the phone with my sister while I was driving. (Yes I know...) I was at a yield, waiting for a break in traffic, while giving my sister directions to my mother in law's house. I was about to go, and whack! The girl behind me ran into the back of my Explorer! GRRR! I was sure the weekend just went down the toilet, because my car was wrecked. I got out and looked, and there was barely a scratch on it!! The bumper on her pickup was crunched in quite a bit. Mark called 911. The city police officer called him back. In the end we exchanged information and got back on the road. After having been in 2 car accidents, this was a HUGE praise to me that there wasn't damage to our car, and no one was hurt!!

I was planning on giving a rundown of the whole weekend since my last blog entry in this post, but it's now 11 pm, and Mark is ready for bed. I'm starting to feel a little sleepy myself, so the update will wait for another day. Maybe tomorrow.

Doing MUCH better!

After my emotional meltdown the other night, I seem to be doing much better now.

"...Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." Psalms 30:5

Grief is such a process. I want it to be over, but I guess it's what I have to remember our first child.

In other news, I have a bunch of quilt squares cut, and one layout done and ready to sew. I may get another cut and ready to go tonight. (They are rag quilts, so they are very quick to cut out.) I left work early today to get some things ready to go for this weekend, so I am officially on Funeral Leave. Yes, I said Funeral Leave. Marks Grandpa Honey from California passed away last week, and his memorial service for his Idaho family will be held tomorrow.

So we have a BUSY weekend ahead of us. We will leave tomorrow morning to go to Boise (2 hours northwest of where we live). After the service, we will drive to Salt Lake City, UT (3-ish hours southeast of where we live) for a mini-vacation that has been planned with my family for over a month. This is going to add up to a lot of time in the car tomorrow!

Saturday we will be going to Lagoon, an amusement park near Salt Lake City. I'm not sure what else we will be doing in the area, but you can be sure that I will have my camera handy! Have a good weekend!!

Reflections

I'm not sure what has me reflecting tonight, but I am. And I'm sad. We should be finishing up a nursery. We should be excitedly anticipating the arrival of our first child. Instead I'm trying to figure out when to start taking the pills that will begin my period to start a treatment cycle. The thought almost scares me. Will I ever be excited about a pregnancy? That was stolen from me. The day I found out the results of our first blood test, I was so sure I wasn't pregnant. Other than being more tired than normal, I wasn't feeling anything different. I almost didn't go in for the blood test, but I did. The nurse called while I was at home for lunch. She told me that my results were positive, but extremely low. "At least we know we can get you pregnant." Looking back, she knew then how it was going to work out. I didn't get to be excited. Not completely. For the only time I knew I had a baby inside me, I got to be scared. I tried to be positive, but the "what if" was always looming over me. If I do ever get to experience pregnancy again, will I always have that fear?

I have had years to figure out how I wanted to tell our parents we were expecting. In the end, we bought small photo brag books. I got some scrapbook paper, and cute stickers. With the stickers I spelled out "See you in November." We went over to my parents house. One of my sister's was there with her family. I had my 3 year old niece take the book to my mom in the kitchen. She was so stunned, she didn't know for sure what it meant. I went into the kitchen and told her it was true. In that very moment, she dropped to her knees in thanks to God. But then, as with everyone we told, I had to temper the news with uncertainty. Will that uncertainty ever go away?

I don't know why I'm such a downer tonight. It's been awhile. I'm just ready for this leg of the journey to be done, and move on to the next.

A Milestone!!

As of this morning I am officially missing 10% of myself. I've lost it, and I'd rather not find it again. 21.2 pounds of me is gone. If you're doing your math, then that means I started out in May at 212. I do have quite a ways to go, but this was the first "mini-goal" I had set for myself, and I have reached it. Yesterday I started on the last week of the "Believing God" series by Beth Moore. I'm just getting things checked off my honey-do list left and right! (If you're a new blog reader, you'll have to go back a few weeks to figure out that one.)

I mentioned yesterday about getting out fabrics to make gifts for friends that are expecting. I will expand on that a little bit. For the last several years I have been making rag quilts for several of my friends that have had babies. Sometimes this is hard for me to do. No, the quilts aren't hard to make. But the process of making a gift for a child coming into someone else's life while my arms are still empty can be hard. This is something I NEED to do though. It is as much for me as it is for them. I need to take my eyes off of my own circumstances and celebrate the blessing in other's lifes. It's a healing thing for me. I haven't been able to do that since we lost our baby earlier this year. I finally feel like I am in a place that I can do that again. At least for today.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Thank you LORD that you are sufficient to meet my needs. You know my hurts each day. You know that some days it's hard for me to be happy about a baby when I so badly miss our little one with you in heaven, but you are always there to hold me up. Thank you! Amen.

Quiet weekend at home

There really isn't much to say about this weekend. Friday night we grabbed a bite to eat, and went by Mark's mom's house to help her with her computer. Saturday morning we took Lady to the vet for vaccinations. She's in good health except for her teeth. She has quite a bit of tartar and some gingivitis. We're going to have to look into doing something about that.

Saturday afternoon we went to my parents house. We both got our hair cut, and I got mine colored. The color isn't anything too exciting. Just a slightly darker, freshened version of my own natural color. After we finished playing beauty shop, in exchanged for services rendered, I fixed dinner for the 4 of us. We had broiled salmon, baked potato and green beans, with berries and cream for dessert. We had to stop by Walmart on the way home to pick up a few things. When I walked by the fabrics, and a few things caught my eye. I picked up some Thomas the Train fabric to make a pillow for one of our nieces that LOVES Thomas.

Today I've been laying it low. I've pulled out some more fabrics to begin working on some gifts for dear friends that are expecting in the next few months. I'd love your input. Which of these "palettes" do you like best?

I guess I said a lot for not having anything to say!

Warning...

It's no secret that I want children. That has NEVER in my life been a secret. Even as a little girl, I longed for a family with lots of children. Now as an adult I would love 2 or 3, but I might be content with 1. Now Mark... he's content with our life the way it is now, but he was also very excited earlier this year when we found out we were expecting, and he was very sad when we lost the baby. He tells me often he's just along for the ride.


I am not looking to start a debate on medical treatments for infertility. I completely believe that is between a couple and God. In the daily devotion book Mark and I are reading together this mornings, "Moments for Couples who Long for Children" this very thing was addressed today. Some people will argue that seeking medical treatments shows a lack of faith. Is it a lack of faith to go to the doctor for antibiotics for strep throat? Or chemo for cancer? Or a cast for a broken arm? I really don't believe so. God has allowed us to live in a time where this technology is available. I do agree that we need to seek God's direction in utilizing the available technology. Each embryo that is created is a life, and that each life needs to be honored and protected. Our faith must be in God. He is the creator of life. He may use the hands of a doctor to do so, but ultimately it is in HIS hands.


We have prayed about this, and at this time feel at peace about doing one more treatment cycle this year. We will continue to pray for direction, and covet your prayers as well. If this is not God's will for us, I want the door to be very clearly shut. As things stand right now, the bulk of the finances for this cycle are in order. The timing works out very well for my job, and is getting better by the day for Mark's.


With all of this said, unless the gate is closed, we will be hopping on the roller coaster ride of treatment in the next couple of weeks. As a reader of this blog, you have an invitation to ride along with us. That's where the warning comes in. For those of you who were not along for the ride on the last roller coaster, I must caution you-- It is not pretty. You may learn things that are not for the faint of heart. Things you really may not want to know, like periods and sperm count. However I will be sharing it all.

As you ride along with us on this roller coaster, I do have something to ask of you. While I do understand that I am sharing intimate details of my life in what could be a very public way. I am happy to answer questions that you might have, but I do ask that you respect our privacy especially in sharing our intimate details (and hopefully announcements) with other people, especially our family members that don't read this blog. I do need an outlet to talk through these feelings, emotions and experiences, but the last thing I want is to feel I need to justify myself to someone else.

One last thing--please make sure your safety belt is securely latched, and hands and feet are inside the ride at all times!

Gaining lost ground...

Or maybe it's losing gained ground? I guess it depends on how you look at it!

When I am really putting forth effort to lose weight (as I have been) I get a wee-bit compulsive about weighing myself. I am someone who likes gratification, and as instantly as possible. I know I should only weigh myself once a week, but I don't. It's more... um..... daily. So today when I weighed myself, THANKFULLY, I am back to my low weight from last week, so I have gotten rid of my gain from the weekend splurges. I have now lost 19 pounds. It's probably a unreasonable to hope for another 6 pound loss before we start a treatment cycle in just a couple of weeks, but that won't stop me from aiming at 25 pounds!

On another note last night, we enjoyed some of the fruits of this weekends labor. We had thawed out a bag of corn to have with dinner. YUMMY! But the words of our friend Jamie ring in my ears. This was several years ago, and he was talking to his then 3 year old son, but his words still hold true: "Son, see there. Your body has no use for corn." Enough said. Too bad I still like corn!

A Slippery Slope

I've been doing so good on my weightloss. Very motivated. I planned ahead with my Weight Watcher's points this last week for a little "splurge" for Mark's birthday. Friday night I surprised Mark with a trip to the movies to see a movie he had really been looking forward to-- The Bourne Ultimatum. I simply can not go to the movies without movie theater popcorn. It's so expensive at the theater, but I love it. And a medium is so small. But the large is only 50 cents more than the medium. The Jumbo is only 50 cents more than the large.... and so we hopped on the slippery slope! In addition to the movie theater, we also stopped by the county fair... Couldn't resist the chocolate iced mini donuts. Testing the yummy buttery corn we were freezing. Then there was the bbq for Mark's and Justice's birthday, and the cake and ice cream, just to name a few things. One thing after another. At one point late in the week, I was down almost 2 pounds from the beginning of the week. I started this week up 1/2 a pound from last Monday. Disappointing, but worth it for a great weekend with my honey. So today starts a new week, and a new chance to get some more weight off.

Birthday Boys!

Today is Mark's 28th birthday, and tomorrow is our nephew Justice's 1st birthday. Tonight we went to my parents house for a birthday party for both of them. A good time was had by all!

Happy birthday boys! I love you both!!

Domestic Work

do·mes·tic Pronunciation [duh-mes-tik] –adjective
1. of or pertaining to the home, the household, household affairs, or the family: domestic pleasures.

Mark and I decided to take on a domestic chore this weekend. On second thought, I guess that's not entirely accurate--I decided, Mark followed along. Such a good man I have!! We went to a farm in Jerome, and picked up 5 baker's dozen ears of corn. Mark had already brought several ears of corn home a couple of days earlier, so all in all Friday night we had about 70 ears of corn.

Mark shucked the corn. I washed it. He cut it off the cob, and I measured out the ingredients (corn, butter, salt, sugar and water) and cooked it for a few minutes. I wasn't able to find the recipe we used a couple of years ago, and I think this one was a little different, so we had to taste it of course. OH so yummy!!

After letting the tub of corn cool overnight, This morning I portioned it just right for our little family, and bagged it. 23 bags of corn, ready for the freezer. Not quite as much as I wanted. I was hoping for closer to 40 bags. So back to the farm I went for another 6 baker's dozen bags. (FYI, in case you aren't familiar with a baker's dozen, it's a dozen plus 1-- reasons for this differ. I think it's so there's plenty for tasting!) ;)

That batch this morning yielded a very full tub. Much more than last night! We got another 29 bags from that. We took several bags to each of our parents. I told my mom to consider it rent on the electric knife she didn't know we broke into her house and borrowed the night before.

I love being able to pull a bag of corn from the freezer in he middle of winter, put it in a bowl in the microwave for a few minutes, and have yummy, very fresh tasting side dish. Maybe some day I'll be able to be more domestic and do other things beside corn. But this is a good start for now!

Sleeepy Kitty

Here is our Ginger Kitty napping in one of her favorite resting places,

while Mark plays in one of his favorite places too! :)

New addiction

Nothing too exciting at our house, but I have discovered a new addiction-- LOST. I had heard people rave about the tv series Lost, but I had never seen it before. In fact, I wasn't really too interested in seeing it. There just isn't much worth seeing on tv in the summer, so I decided to give Lost a try through netflix. I'm HOOKED! In fact this weekend, I ended up renting most of season 2 at a local video store because I didn't want to wait for a new disk to be shipped from netflix. I'm such a silly girl! :) So I crocheted some booties as a gift for a friend who is expecting, and watched Lost all weekend. Mark had NO interest AT ALL in watching it with me has gotten a bit sucked in as well. I have to pause and catch him up a lot. Missing one episode of that show can leave you missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle. Season 3 isn't on DVD yet, so I have to figure out how to catch myself up the rest of the way before their next season starts!

Thankful for the little things

I had a dentist appointment on Friday. The hygienist started going on and on about his wife and son going out of town and how bored he is without them. They are his whole life. His wife is due to have their 2nd child in about 6 weeks. Between mouthfuls of hand, in a round-about way I was able to share with him that we had been trying to have a baby for several years. He said he understood. He and his wife had tried for 2 years and had 2 miscarriages before conceiving their now 16 month-old son. They set up an appointment with some sort of specialist, and were at their initial consult when they found out she was already pregnant! At this point, I kinda thought maybe this guy really does get it. But then he went on and on.... Then the dentist comes in for my exam, so the hygienist goes on some more about the car seats and how it's harder than they thought to get the 2 car seats into their smaller car, and tells me the dentists wife just had a baby 2 weeks ago, and was asking him all kinds of questions. Good grief, I almost thought I was at an OB's office, with all the pregnancy and baby talk, instead of a dentists office. I kept thinking how thankful I was that I was in an OK place with my infertility journey that day. I can think of many many days that I would have been choking back tears to hear all of that. Hopefully I'm still in that good place when I go back today for sealants, and in a couple of weeks for a filling!

I made the call!

Well, as I draw closer to reaching the some of the goals set before me, I'm getting excited again about doing treatment again. After comparing work calendars, Mark and I are aiming for the end of August, or early September. Actually more like I'm aiming and Mark is along for the ride. He is so easy going about all of this. He's ok with whatever happens, he just hurts that I hurt. What a true gem I have been blessed with!

Being the planner I am, I want to know what to expect. So I made up my list of questions, and called the RE's office. I got a call back yesterday. The nurse called in a prescription to my regular pharmacy for the meds to jump-start my cycle. She called another pharmacy with connections for discounted fertility meds, and she is mailing me a copy of the chart they use to track the cycle days, and what needs to be done when. That way we're looking at the same page when I call in mid-cycle with questions. Everything is set and ready to go when I am.

Now I just need to get myself ready! I'm down 17 pounds. At least 8 more pounds to go, and about a week and a half of my bible study. Mark and I have started reading each morning together from a book called "Moment's for Couples Who Long for Children," by Ginger Garrett. Ok, so that's not completely true. We don't read it together. Mark reads it to me while I put on my makeup. (Once again, what a gem!!) I normally don't have a lot of extra time in the morning, and evenings don't work well for us to do things together consistently. This book is great for that though. It's called "Moments..." for a reason. Each section is only 1-2 pages, so it's not a huge time commitment. So that's about all that's new in this neck of the woods. I pray your day is blessed!

Honey-Do List

Bad, blogger. Bad, bad, blogger. Until last night I haven't updated my blog in 2 months. I feel like if we're not actively working towards having a baby, that I have nothing to say that anyone would care to read. My sweet husband doesn't believe anyone really reads the blog, so he often leaves comments. But I have been doing a lot. So last night I did some updating to the blog. I have backdated the blog so all of the entries for the last 2 months are new, but look "old." Sneaky huh?? Now for more of what I've been up to.

Quite some time ago, about a year and a half or two years ago, I felt a stirring in my heart. God was speaking to me, and calling me to a time of preparation. Preparing for what?? I'm not sure. But preparation none-the-less. He gave me a list of things to do. A "honey-do" list. None of the things on my list were particularly difficult. I put a little effort into it at the time. And within a few weeks, brushed it aside. I've revisited those thoughts here and there, but still never put the effort into them that I needed to. I am very glad to say that over the last couple of months I have once again recognized the need for obedience, and I have been putting a great deal more effort into my list. So you might be asking what kind of list God would give me? I'll share it with you.

Honey-Do Area's of Preparation

• Spiritually - My walk with Him has not been as it should for quite some time. I've been existing, but not drawing near to Him. Very specifically I felt called to finish the Beth Moore bible study that I purchased a couple of years ago called "Believing God." progress - Beginning week 8 of 10!


• Physically - I am overweight! I lost more than 30 pounds before I met Mark, and after we got married, I gained all that back.... multiplied! I have known all along that being overweight increases my PCOS symptoms, and in turn makes it harder to conceive. Not o mention that it's just plain unhealthy! progress - 16 pounds gone.... lots more to go, but still 16 pounds gone!


• Our Home - God has blessed us with a very nice home. There are lots of things I want to do to our home, and I've been slowly working on them. However there was one specific area that NEEDED work. In my family we refer to it as "Chuck's Room." We have no one in our family named Chuck. So why does Chuck have a room?? Because you open the door and chuck things in. When we moved into the house 2 and a half years ago, Chucks room was where we put anything that we didn't know where to put, or didn't have room to put, or just didn't want to take care of. I have attempted cleaning it out many times. I even had a crib set up in there for awhile. But there has been lots of emotional baggage tied to that room. The crib remains empty. The room doesn't yet serve the purpose I dreamed of when we first walked through it. Also in the area of our home, I have been working on things that I want to do to it that would be harder to do with a baby. I don't consider those things a requirement on the list though... just extra credit! progress - Chucks Room is CLEAN!!! The closet isn't yet, but the ROOM is clean! You can see the carpet!!! This is monumental! I'll add (terribly embarrassing) before and after pictures just so you can appreciate it! I do want to add that the before pictures are no indication of the rest of our house! We do keep the rest of our house in tidy order, chucks room is just the unseen area.

So now you know what I've been up to! It's very sad, but I feel almost like the Children of Israel wandering in the desert just outside of their promised land, because of unbelief and disobedience. Hopefully my wandering isn't quite as long as theirs! I am working on things though. That is all I can do now. I am recognizing the importance of obedience for the sake of obedience, not just for a reward. I do have to wonder if my disobedience is the reason our baby is in heaven, and not inside me. I can't dwell on that thought though, only move forward.

Bathroom Update

Here is my latest project. Only one before picture, and that is the picture with the carpet. In a week I tore up the carpet and the little vinyl patch around the toilet, layed tile, and put beadboard and chair rail on the walls with a new border and new towel bars.

Reflections

First of all, this might get a little long and wordy, but I just need to let this out.

I am doing a Beth Moore bible study called Believing God. I paid for the study A LONG time ago, and for one reason or another, never got more than a few weeks into it (I think it's 10 weeks long) but that's a story for another post. For this post, I'd like to just say I'm really glad I'm finally doing it. I'm really getting something out of it. One thing I have known for awhile, but is really hitting home to me this week is knowing God has a plan for my life. My first mom died when I was 3. While it is true that children are resilient, that was still a life altering thing for me. It caused a great deal of sadness throughout my childhood. I couldn't really remember her, but just KNOWING I used to have a different mom, and she died was hard. But this week I was reminded of how God's hand was in that situation all along. I am not saying God caused bad things to happen. I don't believe that. I do believe however that He does allow things to happen in our lives, and uses them.

More and more I am reminded of God's protection, especially during the most difficult times. God used a very bad thing-- cancer-- to urge my mom to get her life right with Him. She was a christian when she died, and she is at perfect peace in heaven now. God used a terrible thing --the death of my mom-- to handpick the perfect family to raise me to love Him. God used those events to protect us. Who would have thought of that? Cancer to protect someone?? There is no doubt in my mind if those things hadn't happened, I would not be who I am today. My mom died 26 years ago next week. It's taken me a lifetime to appreciate God's hand in these very sad, very difficult situations. Just last night while recapping these events in the earliest season of my life for my "Believing God" lesson, I started to wonder... years down the road in life, how will I see God's hand when I think of infertility, or our miscarriage? I WANT to see His hand in this. I KNOW God had a reason for blessing us with our tiny baby for such a short time, only to take him to heaven before we could ever even see him. It's another terrible situation, but I have to know that God isn't surprised by this.

What's the Plan? ~Devotion~

I wrote a devotion about a month ago to be shared on Hannah's Prayer. It didn't get read very much there, so I decided to share it here as well.

What’s the Plan?

My family loves to get together, but things are often left unorganized until the last minute. It seems I find myself asking them “What are we going to do? What’s the plan?”

In your own life do you ever find yourself wondering what the plan is? I’ve wondered that many times. I remember one specific time that I asked God. I remember it so clearly, that while it was 10 years ago, it’s as clear as if it were yesterday. I was 19, and my first love had just broken up with me. I was devastated. I was so sure he was the one I was going to marry. I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I was on my way to work, and cried out to God, “Please! Just show me how this is going to turn out.” My reasoning for this request was simple. If I knew how it was going to work out-one way or the other- I would have the strength to get through it. I got an answer to my request. It just wasn’t the one I wanted.

God laughed at me. I heard Him. He laughed. Not the mean hurtful laugh of one relishing in the pain of another, but the very opposite. It was a warm gentle chuckle as He softly said “And just how much faith would that take?” It’s taken years for those words to really sink in. If I had all the answers, if I knew the plan, how much would I really lean on Him?

I know what MY plan is. But His ways are not my ways. He has a much bigger plan for my life than I can even begin to imagine. We’ve all heard that, or something along those lines countless times. As difficult as it can sometimes be to hear, it’s true! I love Jeremiah 29:11, this is The Message translation.

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out-- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

“I know what I’m doing.” How can you argue with God when He says that?? When I think about God’s plan for my life though, I can get pretty self-centered. After all, it is His plan for MY life. I often forget though that He has a lot of plans He’s coordinating. With that thought I’m reminded of an illustration I once heard when I worked in youth ministry.

A lady was working on a project while her grandson was on the floor playing with toys. He looked up several times to see a needle pierce the cloth. Her steady hand pulled the needle from below in one place, and pushed it back up through he cloth in another place. Every now and then, she would clip the string and choose another color of string, and begin stitching again. The boy looked up and saw a bunch of crisscrossed colors and tattered strings . He wondered why she would spend so much time making such a mess!

So finally he asked her. “Just you wait,” She told him. So he continued playing and she continued stitching. Finally she called him over, lifted him on to her lap to see a beautiful tapestry. She explained that from his view below all he could see was the messy underside, but from above she could see a work of art. Each of those stitches was necessary to make the whole picture come together.

Oh the countless times I’ve looked up to wonder why God was making such a mess out of things! Now just try to imagine the beautiful masterpiece He’s creating, weaving our lives together, in tragedy and triumph.

Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Something to think about. How much would you lean on Him if you knew the plan?

More local travel

Yesterday Mark and I decided to do some more local exploration. This time we went south-east to the "South Hills." We were scouting for some camping spots. We didn't find anywhere we really wanted to go camping, but it was a nice drive. And we came across this VERY funny (gross but funny!) sign. I'm thinking about sending it to Letterman!

Our animals

We are blessed with wonderful animals. We loved them like family. Our kitties are sisters. They love to be together. They are rarely apart.

And our dog Lady. She is my baby. She's a 50 pound lap dog. She is truly a gift from God. I don't know how I would have made it through these years of longing for a child without her. I Thank God for his blessings!!

March of Dimes and Father's Day

Busy weekend! Mark is on-call for work, so we must stay close to home, so we decided to skip the normal family festivities. Part of this was for me. Mother's Day and Father's Day will never again be the same for me. Friday night we took our parents out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day with our dads. We had a nice time together with our parents.

Mark had to work Saturday, and earlier in the week I got suckered into walking in the March of Dimes Walk America with the team from my office. I had thought about it a couple of months ago, but Mark talked me out of it. Much to Mark's upset, I got talked back into it. I'm not so sure why he didn't want me to walk. I had to remind him that he himself benefited from March of Dimes as a premie. I ended up walking. 6.2 Miles is a long way to walk when one isn't prepared to do so! I really didn't think I would make it the whole way, but once I made it 2/3's of the way, I was determined to finish. It was a good feeling to finish, but I'm a bit sore for it!

For Father's Day, I wasn't going to go to church. The thought really hadn't occurred to Mark that we might not go. So I figured if anyone had a right to be upset today it should be Mark, and if he wants to go, then we shall go. When they asked all of the Father's to stand up, I think it really hit Mark. Even though he knew he is a Father, he didn't stand up. I think he didn't want to feel like he needed to justify or explain that our child is in heaven. I had a rough time in the service we ended up staying for prayer afterwards. The music minister is the one that came to pray with us. What a devine appointment. He and his wife suffered through infertility and ended up adopting their son. He spoke to us with great compassion from someone who has been down that road.

Women's Retreat

Mark and I both grew up in Assembly of God churches. His parents and mine both attend A/G churches. Mark and I do not. We belong to a church we love called Lighthouse Christian Fellowship. We have nothing against A/G churches, but we just felt led to the church we are a part of. My oldest sister's husband is an Assembly of God pastor. She invited my mom and I to go to women's retreat with her church.

I decided to go. The retreat is in a beautiful facility surrounded by some of God's most amazing scenery. I went with expectations. I want to be healed. It feels like my body has failed me in so many ways. We have been trying to have a baby for more than 4 years now, and my body can't even have a miscarriage the way it should! It's very frustrating. So at the end of the first night, the speaker had an alter call for women who needed a healing in their bodies. She first called for people with specific conditions, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Then she called for anyone that wanted a healing in their body. My mom told me I had to go up. I wanted to, but didn't know if that was necessarily what I was supposed to do. I dismissed that in my mind as fear. Fear of not being healed. Fear of disappointment. So I went up. There were so many women at the altar for prayer that I had to wait for probably about an hour. When she got to me and asked what I needed prayer for, I told her between my tears about our efforts to have a baby, and our recent loss. She told me that she doesn't pray for couples to have babies. She never had a baby, and there are lots of children around for me to love on. She said she would pray for God to give us a child only if that child would make heaven it's home. She didn't pray for my body to be healed. I left that alter angry.

Later, my mom was speaking with a member of the prayer team that travels with this speaker, and she said what a great track-record the speaker has for praying for babies. Every year she has women come up to her with their miracles conceived after she prayed for them. She didn't pray for me to be healed. She didn't really pray for me to have a baby. What was I supposed to get out of that? I don't know. In the end, I think it was some confirmation of some things I needed to hear. I guess maybe I was pinning my faith on the prayers of a person, not God. How sad. :( It really isn't about me. God does have a plan, and I need to learn to wait on that plan. The rest of the retreat was good, once I got passed that. While the retreat wasn't what I had hoped for or expected, I did get some confirmations of things I needed to hear. God has given me directions. He has given me my honey-do list to work on. I just need to keep working on it. Will this bring me a baby? I don't know. I guess in the end that's not what matters. I need to be obedient. Lots of rambling here, but I'm getting my thoughts out. More on that later! With this, I'll leave you with some more pictures.