Local Tourists!

We talked about going away for memorial day weekend, but in the end decided against it. I have spent my entire life in Southern Idaho. The problem with spending my entire life in one area is that it's easy for me to overlook the beauty that surrounds me. Mark didn't grow up in this area, and he's not entirely familiar with some of the local attractions. So we

decided to be local tourists. We grabbed our sunglasses, some snacks and the camera and hopped in the car and started driving. I think the farthest we got from home was about 40 miles, but the beauty is amazing when you slow down to admire it! We looked like we were out-of-towners, stopping along the road to take pictures. We really didn't care. We had a great time together. Hope you enjoy some of the pictures from our day!

The beauty of spring

Let me start by saying, I do not have a green thumb. I have one houseplant that has survived for nearly 6 years now, and I'm trying to figure out how! I'm told it's very drought-tolerant! But I am trying! :) We have been in our home for 2 and a half years now. (We moved in 18 -months to the day - from our wedding date. So here is a look around the beauty of spring at our house.

Last year I was given a gift certificate to a local nursery. I looked and looked, but couldn't decide on what to choose. Finally I decided on a chinese wisteria. I chose it because of the beautiful flowers pictured on the tag. I was saddened to find out later that it only blooms in spring, and I had already missed it's flowers for the year. Yesterday I was outside pulling weeds, and I looked up to see this beautiful delicate flower. So far it's the only bloom on the vine. I'm hoping for more. I wish I could make this picture a scratch and sniff. The smell of this flower is amazing! I really need to work on something for this Wisteria to climb on!



Our first spring in this home, I kept my niece while my sister was a a retreat. As a thank you gift, she gave me his clematis. It's got some beautiful blooms on it as well. I hope it will grow bigger this year than it has in past years. I need to get myself some miracle grow for this one! There is lattice on op of the fence behind the trellis. I'd love for the clematis to take over the fence!

And here is a glimpse into my "secret garden." I created this last year. It's a work in progress. But there are several things that have come back from last year. I'll take more pictures as more things come into bloom. Part of yesterday's work was to plant the moss between the stepping stones of the garden floor. I chose the moss because it is fast growing. I'm hoping it takes over all the cracks quickly! The floor of the garden is made up of cement stepping stones that are molded to look like stone. When I started the garden, I envisioned a large stone floor that had been broken into many pieces, with ground cover growing in the cracks. I'm getting there.


I'm still waiting on my lilacs to bloom, so you'll have to wait to see pictures of those. The bushes are sure growing though! They were the first thing I planted our first spring in our home. They were planted even before the grass. When we had nothing but a dirt lot with a house in the middle! So more pictures to come as spring continues to progress around us!

Our Anniversary

4 years ago today, I married my prince charming. It was a beautiful wedding, on a breezy and cool, but still lovely day. I remember it well. Today we celebrated that day. Mark and I both took the afternoon off of work. I made it home before Mark did, so I did a couple of things around the house. I replaced the broken keypad on the keyless opener for the garage. Mark came home and we went to town, did a little bit of shopping. We got Mark a fishing pole and some accessories as his anniversary gift. We then went to lunch together and had fajitas. MMMMM! Our favorite place for fajitas is still Cafe Ole in Boise, but that's 2 hours away. So we decided to try out a mexican restaurant we hadn't eaten at before. It was wonderful. The service was great and the food was very good as well.

After lunch Mark took me to the mall and I go a pedicure. It was a wonderful relaxing time. She offered to paint a flower on my toe. turned out very well. Even if you can't see it in the picture very well. Once the pedicure was complete, Mark and I took a short drive. Then we came home, and I took a nap for about an hour. Mark woke me up and it was time for our Lifegroup bible study. All in all a wonderful anniversary!

Mother's Day Survival

After an emotionally tough weekend I think I've survived Mother's Day. It was definitely not without tears. I did have a couple of family members acknowledge our loss, and the difficulty I was having with the holiday. I gave myself a backup (or maybe better put, back out) plan in case I wasn't up to the normal family festivities. I delivered my brother's birthday gift, and my mom's mother's day gift both on Saturday. In the end I decided to go.

Thanks for those that were praying for me. I know that was a huge help in getting me through the day.

Big step

I have struggled with Mother's Day a lot over the last few years. This year is different. This year I am blessed to be able to say I AM a mom. I've never been able to say that before. While I'm blessed to be able to say I'm a mom, I'm also still very grieved at the passing of our child. The physical part of my miscarriage is finally over, but the emotional aspect still lingers. That's one thing I think a lot of people don't understand. This wasn't just a pregnancy that didn't work out. We had a baby and it died. I feel like there are some people that don't understand this, and are maybe a bit critical that I am still grieving. I would like to challenge them to hold onto that criticism until they have walked a mile in these shoes.

Wow, have I gotten sidetracked or what? I came to talk about a big step I took today. My birthday was February 1, right in the midst of our treatment cycle. I was so hopeful for this cycle, that when I received a mall gift certificate from my sisters, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to use it for. I was going to save it for the long awaited maternity clothes. I have been saving that gift certificate in the bottom of my purse all these months. Every time I've thought about spending it, that thought was met with a great deal of sadness and anxiety. Today I used it to purchase a new bible. It's an Message/NIV parallel bible. I'm excited about it.

On a side note, I would like to ask for prayer for a blog-friend Ramona and her husband Wade. This mother's day will be particularly hard for them as they just learned yesterday of the loss of 2 more of their precious children to a failed IVF treatment, bringing their total number of children in heaven to 6. I know the pain I feel at the loss of one child, I can't imagine that compounded. Please pray for these dear people.

Touched

When Mark and I met, he was a youth minister at his church, and I was doing youth and children's ministry at mine. After we married, we did the children's ministry together, and Mark did music ministry at the small church I belonged to. For various reasons, we left that church about 2 and a half years ago. Sadly, since then, we have been going to church very casually-- Never REALLY getting involved. Mark wanted to, but I think I resisted. I don't even want to get into the reasons, or worse, the excuses for this. Last Sunday after church, I walked by a table, and signed us up for a small group. Our church now calls them "Lifegroups- Do life Together."

We know one of the couples that co-hosts this lifegroup, so that helped me in choosing this group. It's specifically for married couples. We went tonight. There were 5 couples total at this Lifegroup. We opened by introducing ourselves. Then We sang a few worship songs. The Last Song was "Lord You're Beautiful"

"Oh Lord You’re beautiful

Your face is all I seek

For when Your eyes are on this child

Your grace abounds to me."

When we sang this song, the tears really began streaming down my face. I didn't want to cry. I just couldn't stop it. I want to reach a point that His face is all I seek. It seems that over the last few years I've wanted to be a mom so bad that I spend a whole lot of energy seeking that. Probably more than I spend seeking Him. This must change. The other part of that really got me was this: "For when Your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me." Think about those words. Soak them in. Wow. When are His eyes not on us? Even as I have felt a whole range of emotions after losing our only baby, God has had his eyes on me, and I have been surrounded by His grace. I just felt so touched. I want to cry again now.

Silly blood pressure!

I had to go back to the doctor's office again today. Just to have the nurse check my blood pressure. Late last week Mark and I went to our favorite store Costco and bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was a whole lot lower at home than it was at the doctor's office for my last appointment. Interesting huh? So I took my monior with me to the doctor's office today. I checked my blood pressure at work in the morning, and it was 127/76. At the doctor's office, as soon as I walked in the door and was standing in line, I felt myself getting anxious. When she checked me, it was 142/87. So either I have a funky monitor, or I'm freaking out at the doctor's office. Which in light of doctor's appointments over the last couple of months, isn't out of the question. I pulled out my monitor and checked, and it was very close to what she got. So I don't have a funky monitor.

Silly blood pressure!

Doctor's Appointment

I had an appointment with my general family doctor yesterday. Wow.... how exhausting! Don't ya love it when they make you take your clothes off and sit in a room and wait on them. :) Looking around the room there were all kinds of mommy and me type things. I could feel the tears welling up. When the nurse came in, first of all, there were the apologies. She felt so bad about the congratulations call a couple of weeks ago. When she took my blood pressure it was abnormally high. The nurse left, and I was alone in the room. Being alone with my thoughts is still hard. Left alone with them very long, I lose it. Then the doctor came in. All he could say at first was "Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn." Doctor Irwin is such a nice man. He did the initial exam and then had the nurse, Laurie, come back in for my pap. Normally I'd go to my doctor in Boise for this, but I just didn't want to mess with the travel for just a pap. Dr Irwin said he'd send the results to Dr. Lowder and Dr Foulk in Boise for me.

After my pap was done, they talked with me about the high blood pressure, and of course, the need to lose weight. They they asked how I was doing. All in all, I cried, and they both listened for about 45 minutes. That's a great doctor for ya! Yes, you do have to wait in the waiting room FOREVER there at times, but I guess it makes it better knowing they aren't afraid to spend time on someone who needs it. It was very validating for me. Most people in my day to day life don't know what to say. So they don't say anything. Sometimes I just want to scream. My baby died, and my life changed forever. Life is back to normal for everyone else. I know Mark hurts. He just doesn't say it, or show it.

Ok, enough of the babbling! My current mission is to work on my blood pressure! I want to do another ovulation induction & IUI cycle, but I'm not sure when that's going to happen.

Home Improvements

I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't updated in about a month. I've been working on a home improvement project for awhile. My original intent was for dictraction from recent life events. I really threw myself into this project. Giving it every spare minute. I think it really turned out beautifully. We got a screaming good deal on cheap (errrr uhhhh, reasonably priced) ceramic tiles. Then I splurged on the accent tiles. Those really make the design. I designed the layout myself, and Mark and I helped my dad lay the cement board, and then my dad and I did got a good portion of it done while Mark was out of town for work.

Here are before and after pictures as well as some construction pictures.

Cat sees Dog... Dog sees Cat

Ok, this was tooo funny.

It was a nice spring day. I opened the sliding glass door to the back patio. I closed the screen door.

I sat down in my recliner in the living room. The dog was sitting at the foot of my chair.

Something catches my eye.

It's a cat, on the patio, looking in.

(Now you must understand this about my dog, Lady. We have 2 indoor cats. Lady understands that our cats are off limits. But any cat outside of the house is completely fair game. She LOVES chasing them, especially if they run. Now back to our program.)

While still seated in my recliner, I made a hissing noise to scare the cat off.

Cat sees dog.

Dog sees cat.

Cat starts to run.

Dog takes off in dead run.



Dog doesn't see.... or maybe doesn't care? that screen door is in the way.

Silly dog!

I should add, that no kitties (or dogs) were harmed in the making of this photo. I think the screen slowed her down just a split second. Long enough for the kitty to get a bit of a head start. Lady spent the next hour hunting down the scent in the back yard. Now she's just keeping an eye on things.



(Please excuse the mess in the picture. We are a bit under construction. Yes, the kitchen table is on the counter.... But there will be more pictures of that once it's finished.)

Long overdue update!

As I mentioned in a future post (yes, I'm backdating this) I've been a bad blogger. I feel almost like if I'm not pregnant or currently in treatment I have nothing to say that anyone cares to read. That's just silly me though I know :) Of course no one is going to read if I post anything! I've probably already lost my few faithful readers with my one month break in posting!

So anyways, here's the update on me. I went ahead and took the misoprostle. I decided not to wait it out. I planned a lovely date with Mark on a Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and got dinner in the crockpot, and a few other easy meals were ready to go. Then I took the pills. I waited for the torture to begin. I waited. And waited. NOTHING happened! GREAT!

So the next Monday (April 2), my hcg was down to 99. At this point, the slow dropping hcg and lack of response to the misoprostle had me very frustrated. I was all ready to ask for a d & c. I decided to wait for one more blood test.

The following Monday (April 9) I got the call that my hcg had dropped to 37! That was a total answer to prayer, because it was a significant drop. So I decided to wait things out a little longer. Before I got that call though, I got a call from my family doctor's office. They called to say they got results from the lab and they wanted to congratulate me on my positive pregnancy test. Wow that call took me by surprise. I got pretty upset at work.

My next blood test was the also on a Monday (April 16). Yipee all the way down to 5! Still bleeding though, and 5 isn't negative yet. It needs to be UNDER 5 to be considered negative. Hopefully one more blood test.

That brings me to the most recent Monday (April 23) I got the call I've been waiting on for weeks. I'm finally in the negative. the hcg was less than 1, and I've FINALLY stopped bleding. After a month and a half, I've finally stopped bleeding! I never thought I'd be so happy with a negative pregnancy test.

I don't know what's next. I guess for now we wait. Wait and pray. I'd love for you to pray with us!

Today's bloodwork

Today's bloodwork results are in. hCG levels are down to 137. That's down from 182 a week and a half ago. Dr L said that it's going down, but not fast enough, he wants repeat bloodwork this after the weekend to see if it's continuing in the right direction, and if not then he wants me to take the misoprostle. I think I might go ahead and take it this weekend anyways. No sense dragging out the inevitable. I'm tired of the bleeding already.

I have a lot more thoughts on this, but I just don't have the energy to compose it into this entry. So for now, in general, I am at peace. I am sad. I have grief, but I am ok. Our baby is safe. He will never see the other side of grace. Grandma Lucy is babysitting. That thought alone brings tears...

Kitty Comfort

We have two cats named Ginger and Maryann that are 5 1/2 years old. They are petite little cats (only about 8-9 pounds each) but they aren't kittens anymore. They have such individual personalities. Maryann has a particular affection for a good blanket. She is particular about her blankets. They need to be a certain texture. Once she finds her blanket- even if it means crawling under other blankets to get to it- she latches on. Yes, she bites onto the blanket, and starts kneeding against whatever is in reach with her paws. The silly cat likes nursing on blankets! When I was roommates with Angie she used to sit with Angie and a good blanket almost every evening. Now most nights she lays down next to Mark. I've read that sometimes kittens that are taken from their mom too soon do this. But both Ginger and Maryann were from the same litter, and came to live with us at the same time, and only Maryann does it. She only does it before she goes to sleep. I think it's just her way of comforting herself, and winding down for the night.

Nothing really new to report

Well, everything is still about the same. Except I have a nasty cold, and I do mean nasty! My nose is chapped from blowing it. I have a fever. I'm coughing. It's yucky! Not to mention the bleeding and a whole list of other ways my body seems to be failing me right now.

I'm feeling pretty run down physically. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. I don't know if it's new hope, or if it's that I'm finally starting to come to terms with this loss. I want very much for a miracle. Can you imagine what a fantastic testimony that would be?? Oh how I would shout that from the rooftops! Ultimately, my prayer is that God's will be done. I want this child to be in my arms, but I know God has a perfect plan for this baby's life. Whether that plan is best served with this child on earth now, or in heaven, is not my choice. I do know that. I've woken up several times with that prayer on my lips. I would ask that you pray for His will with me as well.

The second opinion

Ok, the 2nd opinion today from Dr L is to hold off on the labor inducing medication. If there is still a baby in there, he wants to give it a fighting chance until we are 100% sure, although he agreed it really doesn't look good. He couldn't see anything definate on the ultrasound. He saw a thickened whitish area, where the baby should be if there is still a baby in there, but there was movement there, indicating my body is probably trying to get rid of it. As soon as I got up to Boise, my bleeding picked up again after almost a week of only spotting. Dr L wants additional bloodwork in a week. From that he will determine if he wants to see another ultrasound, or if he will recommend going ahead with the medication to help the miscarriage along.

I feel good about this plan. I just want to be positive. I don't ever want to look back and regret taking action too soon. This doctor has such a gentle bedside manner. Very different from the RE. The RE is very knowledgable. I'm not discounting that at all. They have getting pregnant down to a science. But it's just that, a science. I don't get the feeling from them that this is or was a baby. It's just a pregnancy that isn't going as it should, so let's just scrap it and start over. Where Dr L talked about it like it is a baby. I'm really glad we went up there today.

I made a call

After yesterdays news, I felt very unsettled. After talking things over with Mark we decided we would like to have a second opinion. I called Dr L, an OB/gyn in Boise, and explained our situation to his nurse. She talked things over with Dr L, and they agreed to see me tomorrow at 11:30.

Total Confusion!!

My doctor's office FINALLY called at just before 5 today. (I had my blood drawn at 7:30 am yesterday--They have always gotten me same day results) My hcg went from 92 last week to 182 yesterday. Still extremely low for how many dpo (days past ovulation) I am. And it's definately not increasing appropriately for a pg. But what else would cause the hcg to continue increasing?? I started spotting at 21 dpo, and bleeding at 26 dpo. The bleeding changed back to spotting at about 30 dpo, and has continued as spotting. I'm now 37 dpo.

So what would cause my hcg levels to continue increasing??They want me to take MISOPROSTOL. I'm supposed to stick 4 pills where the sun don't shine. She said the side effects aren't pleasant, so she would recommend I don't take it tonight, but maybe wait till the weekend. Then they want a repeat blood test 4 days after I take the pills. I just about had a panic attack on the phone with her. My heart was racing. Everything in me wanted to scream that this isn't right! I'm just so confused.I had an ultrasound last Monday at 29 dpo, and it showed nothing anywhere. They were originally concerned that it was ectopic. So far I've had no specific pain. I've had aches and little cramps, but certainly nothing worse than a period. As far as that goes, my bleeding was never worse then a period.

It's been a few days

I know I haven't been posting as frequently this week. I guess I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are up and down. Most often several episodes of both each day. Yesterday I had a rough one. The flowers I posted about before from my dear friend Jennifer--They are wilted. They are dying, and our baby is gone. I can't bring myself to throw away the one gift received for our baby. The one gift he got during his short little life.

This morning we traveled 75 miles to visit the church where my brother in law and oldest sister are interim pastors. After church my nieces (my brother's 7 year old daughter, and my oldest sister's 8 years old daughter) asked if they could ride in our car to go to lunch. We had no problem with that, and my sister had no problem with that. So off we went. As they were getting into the car, the 7 year old said "You're pregnant, right?" I simply told her that I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. Our baby died. I didn't know what else to tell her.

So then the 8 year old (who lives in her own little world) said, "Aunt Niki's having a baby!"

"No, her baby died."

"Why did your baby die?"

"Maybe you weren't healthy enough"

"You should have another baby."

"Yeah, you need to have another baby"

The conversation in the back seat of the car seemed to go on forever, all the while Mark was trying to shush them, and change the subject. Finally he told them they needed to not talk about it right now, because it makes Aunt Niki very sad.

I didn't cry. Thankfully I was pretty numb in that moment. I'm thankful for the numb moments these days. It's funny. Seems like I can go for a little while, like everything's ok, and then something breaks inside me all over again, and I start crying and can't stop. This is normal right??

I felt like I had pregnancy symptoms all over again today. I had nausea throughout church, and on the way home. Probably just the hormones trying to get back to normal? I'm so silly. I still find myself praying for a miracle. I know what I saw last weekend, but I still hope. Then I cry.

"How are you?"

Oh what a loaded question. How does one answer that question? I hear it a hundred times a day. I don't know how to answer that. Obviously not honestly. "I'm crushed. My baby died over the weekend. Thanks for asking. How are you?" It seems like everything around me is a reminder. I went to work yesterday. I made it through the day with just a very few tears. Today was a little bit harder. I teared up several times, but was able to hold off a meltdown until tonight. I lost it. No particular trigger. I miss my baby. I want him back.

Physically, so far I'm doing very well. Emotionally... wow, I just wan't prepared for that. I have to wait for all the bills to come in before I can even begin to think about when we can try again.

Thank you for the prayers from those of you who are following our story.

It's 2 am, and I can't shut my mind off....

At this time last week, I was going to bed at 8:30 every night. Now I can't shut my mind off. And here I sit. I need a name for our baby. Mark thought from the beginning it was a boy. I can go with that. We had a first name picked out a long time ago, but I just don't know about a middle name to go with it. I will pray for a perfect name to go along with it. A perfect name for our perfect baby in heaven that Mama Lucy is babysitting for me. For those of you who don't know about Mama Lucy, she was my first mom who died when I was 3.

Browsing around the internet tonight, I started searching for some beautiful pencil drawings someone once emailed me. They were of Jesus with children. I want to order at least one of these. Tomorrow I will ask Mark's opinion between http://www.keatonprints.com/welcomeinhishands.htm and http://www.keatonprints.com/printsnuggle.htm Personally I think I'm leaning more towards the "In His Hands" print.

Today I asked my boss for one more day off. One more day to grieve before returning to life as normal. I don't feel like my life will ever be the same normal again. I know that sounds dramatic. But my life has been changed. Who would have thought a tiny human inside me for such a short time could change me. Once I got home and sat in my recliner crying for awhile, I decided maybe it wasn't the best thing for me to stay home for one more day and cry. So I planned on going back to work tomorrow. Now, and 2:30 am, I'm thinking I probably won't be at work tomorrow. That's ok too.