Well, after 5 negative home pregnancy tests I wasn't holding out much hope. I was very convinced that this cycle was again a bust. But I went in this morning for a blood test called an hcg beta. This measures the exact levels of the hcg in the blood, and I'm not quite ready to share with everyone yet, but at lunch today I got my results back.
I'm 15 DPO and my beta came back at 9. Not quite what I had hoped for, but at least it's not negative. They said it could be a late bloomer, or an early miscarriage, or an ectopic. To give you an idea, out of 2193 successful pregnancies (and for this chart, they defined successful pregnancy as "made it to the detection of a heartbeat") only 3 were below 10. The average level was 130-243. (679 reporting at that level, and 641 were reported at 243-456) Makes 9 sound really low doesn't it??
I'm sort of numb right now, but I'm trying to focus on these facts:
* I am a mom. No matter what happens, now and forever I am a mom. I've never been able to say that before!
* Worry will not add a single day to this child's life.
* God is the giver of life. I have a great clinic, they are full of knowledge but they can only do so much. God is soverign. Whether this child was meant to live in me for a few weeks, or 9 months is not mine to determine. No matter what, God is still God.
So the wait continues. I repeat my bloodwork on Thursday. By Thursday,we are hoping that the 9 has doubled to at least 18. 18 is still very low, but it means the pregnancy is progressing.
Tonight we went to Costco to pick up a few things: Pepsi, water, home pregnancy tests, and ice cream bars. I was in line to pay, and Mark went to the food court to get himself a little snack. I was admiring the two children in the shopping cart in front of me. There was a little boy, about 4, who was playing with his little sister sitting in a car seat next to him. She was probably 9 months old or so. He was kissing her, and giving her raspberries, and making her laugh. It was jut a cute site, and I was watching them and smiling as I waited for my turn to make my purchases. The little boy got embarassed all of a sudden and said "Mom, I think she wants to buy our sister."
The mom just laughed and went along with it, and said "Really? Do you think we should let her?" He was very insistant on NO! So he then started hiding his sister from me. As they were leaving, I told him he'd better take care of that sister.
The ladies at costco that were taking care of that isle, thought it was cute that he liked his siter, but they hadn't heard the conversation. So I explained to them. They thought it was cute, and then the lady picked up the HPT's from my cart and said, So these are happy! Maybe he knows something.
It just made me smile. It still stung a little, but it made me smile!
After last nights emotional meltdown, I think I'm doing a little better now. I'm tempted to use another pregnancy test, but that is such a waste. It's far too early. Mark was telling me tonight how this time he really hopes I am pregnant, and not just so he doesn't have to deal with the emotional aftermath. I know he is scared of the results either way. But I think a part of him really is looking forward to being a parent. That warms my heart, and scares me.
Well, one more week!
Pardon me if this is offensive, but can I just say it? Waiting SUCKS! It's been a long time since I've been in this place. The hormones, the emotions, the hot flashes. I hate it. I'm really struggling with hope. I'm surrounded by a world of moms and babies. When is my turn? I'm so tired of the fight, I'm tired of the struggle.
I have a temperature tonight. 99.0 Normal for me is 96.8-97.4 I don't know if it's a fever, or hormones. I'm feeling so sad tonight. I'm overcome with my emotions. I'm crying for no apparent reason.
I hate waiting!
On a side note. I took a pregnancy test earlier today. It's far too early to tell if I'm pregnant, but I wanted to know if the hcg shot from a week ago Friday was out of my system, and it is! So if I get my miracle this time, and I see a positive pregnancy test, I won't wonder if it's still from the shot.
Back to waiting.
I have so many what-if's in my mind. I have been planning a trip to a retreat in late April. I've had the vacation time requested since September. I'm waiting on our tax refund to be able to purchase my plane ticket, but now that is on hold in my mind. If I'm pregnant there are so many other places to put that money! Mark now says that if I am indeed pregnant, he would prefer that I not fly across the country on my own. I have to agree with him. I want to start decorating the spare rooms. But I don't know how. I already started a nursery once, and had to dismantle it. I couldn't handle an empty nursery with no idea when it could be filled.
We went to Mark's parents house today. I had every intention of helping my mother in law with painting and wall papering. I didn't want to lift anything heavy, so I let Mark know that ahead of time. When we got there and got our tools unloaded, Mark left with his dad for awhile. While he was gone, I started almost panicing. I didn't think the paint would bother me. It never does. All I could think of when I got near the paint was "What if I'm hurting a baby inside me??" I've wanted a baby for so long, I would never do anything to hurt it. So I had to find a way to leave WAY earlier than planned without letting my mother in law know what was up. I know she saw the medications at our house when I was doing the injections. I just don't want to talk with family about this stuff yet.
Oh... life is on hold.
The wait is starting to get hard. The first week seemed filled with fantasy. Lots of daydreams, and window shopping. I have planned out how I want to tell Mark and how I would like to tell our families. Now fear is setting in. It's almost overwhelming at times. I want so badly for this to work.
I haven't updated much this week, because there really isn't much to update. It's really too early for feeling symptoms, but the mind is a powerful thing. I've felt all kinds of symptoms. I've felt them before though, and never been pregnant, so symptoms don't mean a whole lot. It could very well be the progesterone supplements I'm on right now causing symptoms. I'm 4 days past ovulation, or 4 DPO. It really is too early. If there is a baby or more inside me right now, it's most likely free-floating. Implantation typically wouldn't happen for a few more days. I'll probably take a home pregnancy test sometime in the next few days. It's too early for an accurate test, but I'm most curious to see if the shot I gave myself last Friday is out of my system. If I remember right it takes 7-12 days for that to pass. So a negative pregnancy test would say that I'm clear to start testing for real. I could just wait for for my blood test. But I'm not sure that I really can.
I'm now home and kicked back in my recliner. I just noticed a little spotting. I can't remember if I had that after my last IUI, but that after doing a little reading, I think it is to be expected.
We left early this morning and went to the clinic to "collect" the sample for insemination. After the collection, we left for an hour picked up something for Mark to eat. I felt too yucky to eat much more than some crackers. Then we went back to the clinic. I was amazed at how busy it was for a Sunday. After a few minutes we were taken back to an exam room. The NP told me to undress from the waist down, and I sat on the table with the lovely oversized papertowel covering my lap. Mark walked behind me to sit down in a chair, and he started giggling. He was looking at my exposed bum, and said "Did you know that was back there?"
"Yes dear, I knew my bum was there, it's been back there for 29 years now!"They seemed to leave me on the table FOREVER before they came in to do the IUI. She finally came in and told us the counts were great! I didn't tell her that we didn't follow directions, and we "been together" a day and a half ago. I didn't write down all of the numbers, but pre-wash was something like 174 mil, 72% motility, and post-wash was 41 mil with 94% motility. DH was proud. She gave us instructions on how to time intercourse for now. Nothing like being having your "lovelife" instructed by an outside party!
I start taking progesterone tomorrow once per day, in the evening. The purpose of this is to sustain the lining of the uterus and make a nice cozy place for little one(s) to snuggle into until they can test and make sure my body is releasing enough to sustain it. Some women continue this well into pregnancy. And now, we wait.
Yep, that's in. I just took a shot called hCG. That hormone is very similar to LH, the hormone the body naturally releases to signal the follicle to rupture and release the egg. hCG is also the same hormone that is released during pregnancy. It's exactly what a home pregnancy test is testing for. Soooooo, if I took a pregnancy test tomorrow it would be positive. It would be a false positive, but a positive. :) I've talked a lot this week about follicles. So here is the progression of a follicle in the ovary. Just so you have a little picture to go from.
On Sunday morning at 10:15 am, we will be at our clinic in Boise for a procedure called IUI. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. An IUI is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.
I'm excited. Yet scared to be excited? How does that work? I had another follicle check ultrasound today. It was an early morning: 4:45 AM wakeup, 5:45 AM leave the house, and drive drive drive. My appointment was 8:15 AM, and I was a little early.
Ultrasound was BEAUTIFUL!! At least in my mind it was. I had one 17mm follicle on one side, and one 16.5 mm follicle on the other side. There should have been one more large one. I'm not sure where it went. But the rest are still small enough to not be of concern. I would have felt better about 2 good follicles on the right side, but I'll take what I can get. :)
So as of today my instructions were, OPK today and tomorrow. If I get a positive, call the clinic and reschedule IUI for the next day. If I don't have a positive OPK by tomorrow, then tomorrow night I will have Mark give me an hCG shot in the bum, and we will have the IUI Sunday morning! SUNDAY MORNING!!! It's already scheduled! How cool is that?
Thank you to those who have been praying. I know your prayers were heard!
Nothing more to do now, but wait. Wait and Pray!
Here's some background to the mess. Our insurance covers nothing for the treatment of infertility. Most policies don't. I never knew! So in order to save a buck wherever possible, our clinic is helping us get the medications from a phamacy out of state. It's a slight inconvenience, but well worth the savings.
So on Monday when I went to the doctor, they told me I'd need to get more medication than originally prescribed. So I called the pharmacy, paid for it over the phone, and he said he'd get it in the mail priority and I should have it the next day (yesterday). That was just perfect. Well... it WOULD have been perfect. Accept it didn't arrive with yesterday's mail. So I was in a bit of a panic. I was supposed to give myself the shot at 9:00 am this morning. I tried to call the dr's office, but couldnt get through to anyone. Apparently they were very busy! So I gave up, and scheduled a late lunch, so I could hopefully be home when the mail was delivered. I also called around and found another pharmacy in town that had what I needed in stock. Lots more than I wanted to pay, but it was a plan B.
In the end, the mailman came just as I was leaving to head back to work. So I grabbed the package and rushed back to work, and straight into the bathroom to give myself the shot. 4 hours later than I should have! OYE! OK, so not a mess, but still stressful for me!
In other news, Ovulation Prediction Kit (OPK) #1 was yesterday. It was negative, I'm not surprised. OPK #2 today was also negative. Once again, no surprise. I won't be surprised if I don't see one at all. But that's ok, my body has failed me on so many fronts, I have medication standing by to do the job! :) And I do mean I have the medication standing by, it's in a box on my kitchen counter, ready and waiting!
I have another follicle exam tomorrow, to check for mature follicles and the number of follicles. Please pray for the perfect number of follicles!
Today is the 9th day of my cycle (also known ad CD9) and I had a doctor's appointment, and there is lots of information from that appointment.
First thing, my cycle day 3 (CD3) bloodwork showed elevated follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). I was thinking that would be a good thing, but apparently it is not. It was 8.5, and they would like to see between 4-6. This can indicate poor ovarian reserve. If you want more information on this test and results, you can go here: http://www.advancedfertility.com/day3fsh.htm to learn more.
Second, the follicles. On the right I had 1- 10mm, 4- 8mm's and 2- 7mm's. On the left I had 1- 11mm and 1-10mm. They prefer to see 2- 18mm's before giving me a shot to trigger the release of the eggs. The lining of my uterus was between 4-5, and they want to see 8, but that number isn't of much concern yet because as the follicles mature, estrogen is released that helps develop the lining, that hopefully a baby or two will snuggle into.
Last month I had a dye test done to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear. We can make all the eggs in the world, but it won't do me much good if the tubes are blocked. That test is called an HSG and it showed a blocked left tube. So I was very thrown when the nurse said what we are hoping to see is is the 10mm & 11mm on the left, and the 10mm on the right mature. I reminded her that my left tube was blocked. She said there is a 10% chance that an egg released by one ovary can be picked up by the other tube. I had never heard that. So for now, the plan is to continue injections Tuesday & Wednesday and have another follicle check ultrasound Thursday morning. They said normal follicle growth is 2mm per day, so we should hopefully have something close by Thursday. I'm just praying those smaller follicles stay put and don't grow. I don't want too many.
The other thing they talked to me about was another not really infertility related test I had done. My 1st mom died when I was 3 (and she was 25) of ovarian cancer. So with my initial consult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), I was concerned about the ovulation inducing drugs, and further increasing my already increased risk for ovarian cancer. So the RE said why not find out if I carry the gene mutation for the elevated risk of ovarian cancer. So I had the blood work done the end of December when I had the HSG. There were a lot of questions about which blood test I was to have done etc. Anyway, I called the next week and got the results. The test showed negative for the particular gene marker they were testing for. So today, the nurse tells me the hospital lab did the wrong test!! (Gotta love the local hospital, they are known as "Tragic Valley" Regional Medical Center, instead of "Magic Valley") So, you might think, just get the right test done. IT'S $3000!!!! and most often not covered by insurance, so they want cash in hand or a written preauth for them to ORDER THE KIT to do it! The nurse didn't find this out from MY hospital though, she had to call around somewhere else! SHEESH! So I'm not sure what cancer marker I'm negative for, but at least I'm negative for something.
Other than that, I'm feeling more side effects today. My emotions are very close to the surface. I teared up at work a bit this afteroon when the boss asked to speak to me about something. I've had terrible headaches, and a few more hot-flashes. Other than that, all is well :)
So, prayer request, please pray for the perfect number of follicles to mature at the perfect time, and the other follicles not to grow anymore!
I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound follicle exam. They will use a vaginal ultrasound to look at my ovaries and see if there are any follicles beginning to develop. I'm praying for something on the right side, because my left tube is blocked.
Out of the 5 cycles of clomid we did in 2005, I ovulated 4 times. Of the 4 times I ovulated, 3 of them were on the left side. Now that I know that tube is blocked, that could be some of the answers we have been looking for, so we're aiming for follies on the right!
I feel bad for all of the work I will be missing to go to the doctor. I know it causes great inconvenience for everyone else. I wish there was a different answer for me, but I just don't see another way right now. Mark and I went to my office this evening. Mark did some reading and kept me company while I posted payments made by people in the overnight drop box. This will hopefully ease the burden a bit in the morning, and my goal is to be back at work before noon. I wish the doctor was closer, but there's nothing I can do about that.
As you may have noticed, I've been a little fearful of the injections with my current treatment protocol. This morning I woke at 6 am. For those who don't know me well this is SOOOOO far from ordinary for me. I don't wake that early on workdays when I have to leave for work at 7:40 am. I get up more like.... 6:45-7:00, and I don't know if "get up" is even the right term for it, probably more like "drag myself out of bed." Weekends... weekends are for sleeping in! I usually aim more for 9-10 am on the weekends. But this morning was different. I knew I had to give myself the first of the injections. I get nervous now just thinking about it.
Here it is a little closer since ya can't really see the needle (it's that tiny). I tried to label the picture, but now I can't read it. It says 1/2 inch needle.I haven't posted as much this week as I did last. It's been a bit of a busy week. VERY busy at work, and then Wednesday night we had a birthday party for my sister in law Roxey, my niece Elyssa, and myself. Then Thursday night I had birthday dinner with Mark. Tonight I'm just plain pooped!
Today was my last dose of clomid. I've done quite well all week as far as side effects go. Tonight I'm feeling it a bit though. I'm having a hot flash as I type. And I've been "on edge" since I got home. Mark seems a bit afraid of me right now.
On a very frightening note, I start injections tomorrow! I'll let ya know how THAT goes! At least it's a little needle. I called the doctors office today and left a message for a nurse to walk me through everything. They called me while I was at work, so I slipped away to another phone away from my desk, and she talked me through things. "Below your belly button, above your pubic bone, take a pinch of that roll we all have, and poke the needle in at a 90 degree angle, then slowly inject the medication." EEEEEEWWWWW! I hate needles. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I know I need to, so here goes!!
As far as treatment goes, today I: began the clomid, 2 pills in the morning; went to the hospital and had blood drawn to check for various hormone levels; and called to schedule next week's first ultrasound. I feel bad about how much I will have to be gone from work for this. It's such a huge investment of money, emotions, time and energy. It's all such a big gamble. My spirits are up today. I feel a little anxious, but still all in all positive. Prayers are appreciated!!
PS If anyone reads this, you should be proud of how many times I've updated this in the last week! If I keep this up, maybe it will become a habit!
Ok, here we are, day 1 of the cycle. Some of you will know what that means, and some won't. Either way, the cycle begins. Tomorrow I will call the RE's office (RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist which= specialist) to schedule my first exam. My meds have already been ordered, and arrived at my house. They are in a box next to my recliner. In addition to calling the RE's office tomorrow I will start taking the clomid..... oh how I don't like clomid. But it's seems to be a necessary evil in my life. I'm going to have to pull out my paperwork as well so I can find out what day I have to have bloodwork. That might be tomorrow as well. OH so much to keep track of.
Thank you for those of you who are praying.
Anxiety!
Ugh, I’m starting to feel it; the anxiety. Reading through my blog entries from a couple of years ago when we first started treatment, it all came back to me, the flood of emotions, the innocent belief. So much of that innocence is lost. I was so naïve entering treatment. I thought clomid was the magic pill that was going to make all the pain go away and bring me my long desired baby. I was devastated when that didn’t work. The first morning that it was evident to me it had not worked. I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. I laid there and cried. Even though that was nearly 2 years ago, the emotions are still there, still so raw. Despite those raw emotions, I’ve found myself getting my hopes up. This upcoming cycle of treatment is a lot of time, money, and emotional investment. It’s going to take several trips to Boise. Right now I’m guessing about 4. As far as the money goes, I’m not sure we will be able to afford more than one cycle for awhile. All of this brings about anxiety. I want so badly for this to work. I hope, I want to hope, I’m scared to hope. UGH! I think much of this anxiety is hormone driven! Welcome to my world… Aren’t you glad you don’t have to spend too much time in my mind??
One leg of our family journey was Embryo Adoption {Embryo Donation}. Pictured above is a day 3 embryo--3 days after conception, as small as the period at the end of a sentence, and it IS LIFE! Because each one is unique, frozen embryos are sometimes called Snowflakes {Snowflakes is the name of an Embryo Adoption program through Nightlight Christian Adoption}, or Frosties. We had seven frosties, frozen at day 3, and donated by one couple, and 6 other frosties from another couple. We have had three separate embryo transfers, with three embryos transferred each time. One transfer resulted in a pregnancy. Unfortunately that baby, that we later named Bella Hope, went to heaven shortly before the end of the first trimester.
