Sleep. It's a beautiful thing!

Sleep. It's a beautiful thing! I have just awaken from my second, yes second full night of sleep in the same room as my husband. To the average married person, this may seem trivial. But I think it's probably been a year or two since we've slept two full nights in our bed together. You may be asking yourself why the sudden change? The sudden change is my new best friend. It's called CPAP. You probably didn't read that correct. It doesn't say CRAP. It's CPAP. CPAP is an acronym, and stands for Constant Positive Airway Pressure. It's a small mask that Mark straps to his face. It covers his nose, and has a hose attached to it that connects to a machine next to the bed. There are several different machines. His has a heater and humidifier, as well as the standard air. Hi.s machine also has a "ramp" feature. This is probably the most important feature for him right now. It takes some getting used to, having a mask blowing air down your throat! So when he turns it on, he can press the ramp button, and this allows the air pressure to start at 1/2 of his prescribed pressure, and gradually increase to the correct pressure over about 20 minutes. This makes it easier for him to fall asleep. He hasn't had any troubles at all. He took the mask off once while he was asleep. I was awakened by the snoring, I could tell he was back to the same old pauses in breathing, so I reached over and felt his face. That answered the questions. I woke him up and helped him get it back on. As long as he has the mask on, it has virtually eliminated his snoring!


This may make it sound like it's more for me than him. I will admit I'm reaping the benefits of this machine. But Mark is as well. He wakes in the morning feeling more rested. He has more energy throughout the day. He is just feeling better!


Mark had two different sleep studies. The first diagnosed that he did in fact have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I explained exactly what OSA is in a previous post. The second sleep study was called a CPAP Titration. That night they hooked up all the same wires and monitors to him as the first sleep study. But this time they also hooked up a CPAP machine. Throughout the night, the tech adjusted the pressure on the CPAP to find out exactly what pressure he needed to eliminate the apnea events.


For those who like visuals:

This first image shows a few minutes of his first sleep study. The biggest thing I noticed on this is his airflow. When it's flat, he's not getting breath. Then he takes in about two breaths, and then no breath. This repeats over and over again. Keeping the airflow line in mind, look above at all of the other lines in the top half. Just before he breathes, he has increased activity. This is his brain waking him up enough to make him breathe again. At this particular time his oxygen level was 89.1 (but eventually got down to 75) his pulse was 68.4, and he was in stage 2 sleep.

With his second night, the CPAP flow replaces the airflow. With a consistent air supply coming in, everything else seems more consistent. His oxygen level is 95, his pulse is 73.4 and he is in a deeper stage 3 sleep.

Looking at this on a chart was amazing to me to see how much of an improvement this was for him!

EEK! It's been awhile

It's been awhile since my last post. Man I'm getting bad at this. About the only thing to report is my wonderful husband does in fact have sleep apnea. I've suspected it for quite awhile. I had him scheduled for a sleep study a couple of years ago, but he backed out. I finally convinced him to go through with it. I handled all the details. It was definitely a stretch from his comfort zone. It wasn't nearly as scary as he thought it would be. I drove him there, and stayed while they hooked him up. I think there were probably about 20 wires connected to him. I laid in bed with him and watched tv for about an hour. Then I drove home and spent the first full night in our bed, in at least 6 months! I normally start in our bed, and then sometime during the night, the snoring gets to me, so Lady and I head to the other side of the house. The night of his sleep study, I spent the whole night in our bed, but still woke up several times. Can't sleep with him, can't sleep without him.

For those of you wondering just what sleep apnea is, here's the short version: Obstructive sleep apnea is a sleep disorder where the soft tissue in the throat relaxes enough to collapse, either partially or completely closing off the airway. The body continues trying to breathe, but as the oxygen level decreases, the brain sends signal to wake up the body enough to open the airway again. This means sleep is not restful. The body does not have time to recuperate as it was created to do. The stress that this puts on the body can lead to a host of terrible things, heart conditions, stroke, etc. Not to mention the stuff that comes from just being tired; irritability, falling asleep at inappropriate times or inappropriate places, work accidents, etc.

The standard definition of any apneic event includes a minimum 10 second interval between breaths, with either a neurological arousal (a 3-second or greater shift in EEG frequency, measured at C3, C4, O1, or O2), a blood oxygen desaturation of 3-4% or greater, or both arousal and desaturation. Sleep apnea is diagnosed with an overnight sleep test called a polysomnogram. Clinically significant levels of sleep apnea are defined as five or more episodes per hour of any type of apnea (from the polysomnogram).

The night of his sleep study, he went to bed at about 11:00 and woke at about 5:30. This is fairly normal for him. During this time frame, he had partial to total airway obstruction an average of 41.4 times per hour. He had full obstruction 221 times throughout the night. A healthy oxygen level is around 90% - His got down to 75%.

This is freaky stuff! I knew he probably had it. But I was thinking he had stopped breathing once in awhile. I've heard him gasp and sputter from time to time. I had no idea it was this bad.

So they give us this information, and then tell us we have to wait 5 weeks for an opening for another sleep study so they can fix the problem! That's nuts I tell ya. I asked that they put us on a waiting list for any cancellation appointments. She explained to me that he's been sleeping like this for years. It's just to protect his future health.

Luckily there was a cancellation, and he's been moved up another 2 weeks. So he will have another sleep study called a titration. This is where he will be sleeping with a CPAP machine (Constant Positive Airway Pressure). They will set the pressure of the machine so that it's enough to keep his airway open. He currently has a practice machine to get used to breathing with it. It's an adjustment. I put it on for a few minutes myself. It feels like the wind is blowing in your face. He's just supposed to wear it for 15-20 minutes each day to get himself used to it. The last couple of nights he's been ready for bed, so I've let him sleep for a little bit with it (even though we don't have instructions to do so). I figure I'm here next to him, so I can see if there is a problem. He's sleeping so peacefully right now, and sooooo quietly! Still snoring a bit, but nothing like the normal chainsaw!

I really hope getting on a CPAP machine will allow him to get truly restful sleep in the near future!

Liquified worm poop. What the? Who does this? I don't envy that job.

Bolthouse Farms

Just this weekend, I learned of a company called Bolthouse Farms. I live in small town Idaho, and have to actually put forth an effort to look for the type of all natural products (primarily juices/smoothies and salad dressings) this company sells. To be honest, I usually don't even try. However when I read of them this weekend, I decided to seek out a store in my area that carried their products. The reason I did this is because of a boycott being organized against their products by Liberal Gay Activists. To quote their website, they are unhappy with the fact that:

"William Bolthouse, founder and 43% owner of Bolthouse Farms, a farm in California that provides organic juices, lemonades, and smoothies to places like Whole Foods and other organic market places, has just recently given a donation of $100,000 to proponents of a campaign to strip California couples of the right to marry. "

So I went to the Bolthouse Farms Website and read their mission statement. I will quote the beginning of their mission philosophy.

Corporate Philosophy - The purpose of this Company is to glorify God through our business transactions, our work, and our relationships. It is further our desire to bring honor and glory to the Name of Jesus Christ by following God's Word in all of our dealings with employees, suppliers, and customers. God's Work as contained in His Inspired Scriptures will be the final authority in all Corporate matters concerning direction, decisions, and disputes.

As soon as I read this, I was sold. It's such a rare gem to find this a company these days, in a world where it is so politically incorrect to bring religious faith into the workplace, and market place. I will (and did today) go out of my way to support a company like this. You see, I'm a Conservative Christian. The gay activists can call for a boycott, and they are just standing up for their rights, but for a conservative Christian to call for support for this company, that means I'm considered a bigot. As I said before, I just learned of this company. I have nothing to gain financially by calling other people to support them. I just want to stand up for a company that is doing what is right!

I went to the Bolthouse Farms Store Locator and found some stores in my area (Winco, Wal-Mart, and Albertsons), and set out in search of their products. I will admit, they cost more than I would normally spend on juice (I guess most all natural products are). However I'm happy to spend my money on this. After buying a couple of bottles of smoothies, and a bottle of salad dressing, we headed to Costco to finish up the rest of our shopping, and stumbled upon more Bolthouse Juice products. I happily purchased them as well. All that we got tasted very good. Here is what one shelf of our fridge looks like today. Mark really liked the Perfectly Protein Vanilla Chai. I liked the C-Boost Tropical Fruit Smoothie.

Soooooo, if you are in the market for some all natural juices, smoothies, or lower fat, lower calorie salad dressing, please consider supporting this company that is really willing to put their money where their mouth is!

Whew, I'm tired!

I've had the sleepies lately. Don't know what my malfunction is. It's always something with me isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I started noticing some lumps in my neck. They are lymph nodes. I had 3 that were very enlarged. They were causing quite a bit of discomfort, and a hummer of a headache. I called my family doctor's office. I couldn't get an appointment to see him for another week. I had a worried hubby and mom, so I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner, for the next day. I took the time off of work, and drove the 20 minutes to arrive at the doctors office 5 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I sat in the waiting room, and I sat there and sat there. 40 minutes later I was taken to a children's exam room. The only reading material in the room was kids books and pregnancy magazines. I was left in the exam room another 20 minutes. The NP came in. She acknowledged the wait, but didn't apologize. I wanted to throw a fit, but I maintained my composure. I told her what was going on, she felt, said they were enlarged lymph nodes, gave me some antibiotics and said if it didn't clear up in 4 weeks to call back. I won't be calling her back thank you very much. I'll go to the-dock-in-the-box a mile from my office for a wait like that. At least I expect to wait when I go there, since they don't accept appointments.

The lumps are still there, but thankfully have gone down a lot. A bad experience like that just makes me like my doctor even more. I don't mind waiting for him, because once I see him, I get his attention for as long as I need. He's a great doctor. He and his nurse sat with me for nearly an hour as I cried during my annual exam after our miscarriage. That's not common in this day and age of rush rush rush.

I think the biggest part of my sleepies today was from sitting in the sun for 4 hours at the fairgrounds. I work for a natural gas company, and my company hosted a "gas rodeo" today.



If you want to know what I'm referring to by "gas rodeo" there's a video
We had the exact same events today at our rodeo. The winning team from my company will go to a national competition. They did things like picking up an egg with a backhoe without breaking it. It was fun. It was hot! We had a BBQ afterwards. Poor Mark got bored, but he did get good hubby points for going! While we were there, we saw our nephews who were showing their pigs at a different event at the same fair grounds. Lots of fun today! I guess now that it's 11:00 pm, I have a right to be tired.... (we just won't talk about the 2 hour nap this afternoon) :)

What can I say

Well, What can I say for myself? I'm slow, and lack motivation. Last weekend, I started modifying my blog with great hopes of a full overhaul. A week later, I haven't done anything else, except for leave it nearly impossible to read. So I'm going to change back to a default blogger template. They are boring but readable. I can then work on some graphics and other stuff, while you can still read this stuff!

Thanks for your patience

An Apology

I just wanted to post a quick apology. I'm playing around with some updating on my blog. Until I get the bugs worked out, this make things difficult to read or access for a little while. I have no idea how long it's going to take me! I really don't even know what I want :) So I guess that complicates things. That and the fact that it's been years since I've done written HTML, and I've pretty much forgotten everything! I'm borrowing code, and reading up on how to make the changes I want to! Thanks for your patience!

Who does this stuff?

I know my blog is nothing too exciting. As the sub-title says, it's just my daily nonsense.... and not even daily at that anymore. My blog isn't too exciting, because my life isn't too exciting. And truthfully, sometimes that's really best. So we've established, it's none-too-exciting, but I do have a handful of faithful readers. How does know you ask might ask yourself, as there are rarely comments. I have a hidden counter, and stat tracker on this blog. It captures benign information about your visit here, like how you got here (if from a link, etc) what page you were on when you left, date and time of visit, your ISP, city and state of your ISP, etc. I check this information from time to time, and I'm often surprised at how regularly some of you visit, even when my posts have been sparse. I'm honored that you want a window into my life. I actually had a blog (not this blog) long before they were called blogs, and were so cool! It was about 10 years ago, and I wrote all the html code myself, but I digress.

Back to the comments. I got a spammed comment to my previous blog post. OUCH, it was like a slap in the face, or a kick in the gut. There I was, having an emotional night, and pouring my heart out into my post, and someone spams that post out of all of them! Why couldn't it have been a silly scrap booking post or something like that? It was a post about how children are a gift from God and I should go enter their picture for some scholarship drawing, or something stupid like that. For this reason I have changed my settings to require you to type in some verification letters before leaving a post. I don't want to require a log-in at this point. That might come later if the spam becomes a problem. Hopefully this was an isolated event. Most of the time it wouldn't have bothered me a bit. But really, who does this stuff?

And about that post... I'm doing better now. It's those hills and valleys.

In the way of excitement today, Mark and I drove around for a "Parade of Homes" put on by the local builders association. They were all homes WAY out of our league, but it was fun to see them, and get ideas for things we'd like to incorporate in our home, or future home. The most expensive home we saw was about 6 times the value of our current home. One house had a master closet that was about the size of our current bedroom. It was CRAZY! Another home had a beautiful courtyard and all kinds of bells and whistles. It was fun to daydream, but my feet are tired!

Pressed but not crushed...

This journey of life is not always an easy one. It was never promised to be. I have noticed with myself that I have hills and valleys. Right now seems to be a valley. It's quiet here. I feel alone, but I know I'm not.

It's been 15 months since our baby, Gabe, went to be with Jesus. He was with such a short time. I never held him in my arms. Only in my womb for four precious weeks. I don't even know when when he left us. For that matter, I don't even know he was a he. But I need for our baby to have an identity. How can someone be with us for such a short time, yet forever change the shape of my heart?

It's been 15 months, how can I still be so broken? I want to be fixed. I should be "over" this by now. But with our baby's death, also came the death of all I had hoped and dreamed for my child for the many years we have been trying to conceive. I almost didn't go for my beta (blood pregnancy test) that month. I truly didn't believe I was pregnant. I was prepared for another let down. But the nurse called and told me it was positive. She was guarded, it didn't look good even then, but I allowed myself to hope. This was the miracle we had been praying for. I know that our baby is no less of a miracle now just because he's not with us. That doesn't take away the hurt.

Also not to be discounted are the three precious babies who we received through embryo adoption who went to be with Jesus in January. My body seems to be a tomb.

We have been trying for a baby for 5 years now. I have so many emotions swirling in me right now, but I need to remind myself of this truth:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

God has a very real purpose for this season in my life. I want to thank God for a lady I've never met named Angie (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/), who will probably never see this blog. Her heart breaking experience, and keen ear for what God has to say to her brought me back to this truth. I sat here in my recliner tonight having my pity party for one, and looked at her blog, and ended up having a very real experience with God, like (very sadly) I haven't had in quite awhile.

My post today is such a hodge-podge of emotions. But what can I say folks, this is where I'm at.

Digital Scrapping

I really haven't had much to say lately. I've been a bad blogger! I've done quite a bit of digital scrap booking. I finished our vacation scrapbook and had it printed. I'm quite happy with the results. I ordered it from an online scrap booking company that printed it and bound it as an actual book. I've had quite a number of complements on it, so I guess I'm correct to be pleased with it. In addition to that, I was hired by a co-worker to do a scrapbook of her family reunion last year. She's giving it to her mom next week. I can't wait to hear what she thinks of it. I really enjoy the digital scrap booking. So this "for hire" project gave me some great practice, some new learning, and a bit of money to boot! So that's pretty exciting. Then this last week I did another project for a friend. Her son is "special person of the week" at his preschool. So I did 6 pages for her that will be on the bulletin board at his preschool. I would love to share these projects with you, but since they are not mine, I probably shouldn't, but I can share with you a couple of other small projects I've done.

This is what I gave my mom for Mother's Day. At one point, when talking to someone about my history I said something about "my mom." They said, "You mean your 'real mom'..." That comment REALLY irritates me. They are both my 'real mom.' So I explained to them, one is no more important to who I have become than the other. I have two moms. One who gave me life, and one who taught me what to do with it. So I decided to pass that little bit onto my mom, and what better time to tell her thanks that way than Mother's Day?

These next pages aren't from my pictures, but they are family, so I will share. This is my mom and dad. As I was looking through boxes of family pictures at my parents house last month, I came across several wedding pictures loose in the box. None of them were together, they were just mixed in with all of the other pictures. I decided to put them together in a small album for my parents for their 41st anniversary. My mom called and asked if they could take Mark and I out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary and ours.

(Yikes, side note... I've been such a bad blogger I didn't even mention that a few weeks ago Mark and I celebrated our 5th anniversary!)

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

For the married women who desire to have children and cannot. Also, for the
single women who desire children yet are getting weary waiting on a spouse. God
understands your situation and we care. “In the name of Jesus, we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your heart and give you peace and that our Father God
would grant you your petition. Amen.” (1 Samuel 1:2-17)

For the single mom. God understands your challenge and we care. “In the
name of Jesus, we ask that the grace of God will sustain you, the wisdom of God
lead you, the love of God encompass you, and the provisions of God overtake you.
Amen.” (Philipians 4:13)

For the moms with a child who has chosen a destructive lifestyle and is in
a physical or spiritual prison. God understands your concern and we care. “In
the name of Jesus, we ask that the Holy Spirit would convict them of sin. We ask
for the perfect laborers to cross their path. We thank God for their salvation,
deliverance and restoration. Amen.” (Proverbs 11:21)

For all the moms who experience grief on Mothers Day because of
miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or a childs death outside the womb. For all
those men and women who experience grief on Mothers Day because of the loss of
their mom. God understands and we care. “In the name of Jesus we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your hearts and give you peace. Jesus bore your grief
so you don’t have to. Jesus we thank you for removing the grief and healing the
heart. Amen” (Isaiah 53:4)

In the name of Jesus we pray for all of our mothers on Mothers Day. May God
our Father bless you and strengthen you and encourage you. May your eyes be
opened that you and others may see that your price is far above rubies and may
your children rise up and call you blessed. (Proverbs 31:10-31)”

-Author Unknown

Mother's Day is not an easy day for everyone. While I celebrate the moms in my life today, I grieve the burden of empty arms. Some days the weight of them seems so hard to lift. I have not attended a mother's day service at church for about 4 years. That may seem selfish. It probably is. But it's also self preservation. Leaving a service in tears is just not something I'm up to today. Sitting paralyzed in fear isn't part of my plan either. I will be dreading the part of the service where all moms are asked to stand up? Do I stand? Do I remain seated. If I stand, how do I respond when the oldest and youngest questions are asked? My only children are in heaven. 4 is the known count now. I don't even know how to treat this with my family. For all practical purposes, we are childless. We hardly ever talk about our losses. So last night at a family dinner when my dad announced that the mothers were to go through the line first to get their food, there I was, paralyzed. It was easier to remain seated. Good thing it was bright and sunny yesterday, because the tears welled up in my eyes. In my plan for my life, I would have a 6 month old baby in my arms right now. Thankfully my sister went and got a plate and handed it to me, and told me to go get my food, and my teenage nephews didn't argue that I was able to get my food before them.

Mark doesn't always know how to handle me. He doesn't want to make me cry. So this year he asked me straight up, if I wanted something for Mother's Day. In the end, he got me a card and some chocolates. I think that was perfect (even if he does eat a portion of the chocolates :) ) The card was sweet, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have a brother in law who buried his mom this week. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, but you are in my prayers today as well. All of that rambling to say, my prayer is not only for those who celebrate today, but also for those that grieve today as well. Please remember the people in your life who might be quietly grieving today as well.

Even more!

Today's entry

even more!

For some silly reason, these 3 pages weren't clickable in the previous post, so here they are again.

(Click on the pictures to view them larger)

My latest digi layouts

Here's the layouts for the last couple of days. I took so many pictures, I'm trying to narrow it down. I don't want a long boring scrapbook, but I still want to capture the wonderful time we've had. I do need to add more journaling to several pages, but at least you get an idea! (I made the film strip on the last one from scratch. I spent some time on it, but I saved it as a .png file so I can reuse it in other layouts later if I want. I think it looks kinda cool :)

(Click on the pictures to see them larger)

More Vacation pages

(Click on pictures to see them larger)

Vacation Pictures

I took HUNDREDS of pictures on our vacation to San Diego. I think it was somewhere around 400. Rather than bore you with ALL the pictures and details, I decided I'm going to post my digital scrapbook pages as I make them. I'm going to be working on it for awhile. So stay tuned! Here is the first of what I'm SURE will be many...

(Click on pictures to see them larger)

Vacation

We're having such a great time on vacation. We miss our dog. We were at Sea World today, and Mark mentioned several times how different animal behaviors reminded him of Lady (usually when something was laying on it's back). She is just such a part of our family. I took a couple hundred pictures today. I'll just post one tonight, and pick my favorites when we're back home. I composed this one in my digital scrapbooking program really quick from my laptop, and had it printed at Walgreens for postcards for the family.

Leaving on a jetplane

We are sitting in the airport waiting for our flight. We were early. You never know how long it's going to take to get through security these days. So we arrived the prescribed 2 hours early, and there were NO lines. No lines at check-in, and no lines in security. We got through security very quickly, even though I got pulled out for a TSA pat-down. Darn the underwire bra! So now we wait. I'm thankful for free Wi-Fi! We're excited to be going on vacation. Lady is at a very nice boarding facility. She was happy to go.

Vacation Plans

We leave on vacation in 2 days! I just got off the phone with the hotel making confirmations, and that got me excited. I'm just trying to finalize plans. I love going on vacation. This is the 3rd big trip Mark and I have taken since we got married. To celebrate our first anniversary we went to Las Vegas. A month before our third anniversary we went to Disneyland, and now we're off to.... well, you might just have to find out about that when we get back! We do plan on having a lot of fun though.

Today has been spent packing, packing, packing! I also planted some tulips that I got from Costco. Lots of laundry. I'm pleased with what I've accomplished. The house needs a bit more cleaning, and I have a little bit more to pack, and then we'll be ready to roll Tuesday afternoon. If we can get Internet connection for a reasonable amount of money, we will post pictures while we are away!

Lady goes to Daycare

A bit of background: A couple of years ago when we went to Disneyland we made arrangements to board Lady at very nice facility. They aren't in cages the whole time. As long as the dogs can get along with each other, then can be out and about throughout the large dog area of the facility. They can go inside or to the fenced in area outside at will during "free time." I didn't see it, but the brochure even says they have cable tv. I would guess they are watching Animal Planet. I know Lady like to watch animals on TV. Lady is very important to us. We are probably more protective of her than your average pet owner. She's really a part of our family. A couple of weeks before our vacation we made an appointment to take her in for an exam at the vet, and her to update her vaccinations, mainly her kennel cough vaccine. Wouldn't you know it, one week later.... she has kennel cough! She picked it up while she was at the vet. Because of this we could no longer board her at the facility we wanted to, but the vet said we could board her with them. So I was feeling a little sad when I dropped her off, so I asked to see where she was going to be, to put my mind at ease. BIG MISTAKE! It was terrible. It was loud, and dingy. Just an ugly, sad place. I wanted to take her and run. I was bawling. I made some phone calls, but we just didn't have any other valid options.

Most of the time, when we travel it's not far, and we can take Lady with us. We've only had to leave her a few times since that Disney Trip, and we've either been able to leave her with friends or family. This time, for our vacation, it has worked out that no one can keep her for us. We've weighed out our options and decided to try the boarding facility we wanted to take her to the first time. I feel so anxious about it though. So this week I went to take a peek at the facility again. It's really very nice. This facility also offers daycare. So I signed her up for a day so we could see how she did. Ignore the pathetic look on her face in the above picture. We didn't really make her wear a backpack to daycare. That was taken after the fact for fun. She just didn't see the fun in it. She did know something was up that morning. She usually goes to her crate when she sees me brushing my teeth. It's usually the last thing I do before leaving the house. She did go to her crate, and then bolted back out and started spinning around in the living room. She usually does this before she goes for a ride in the car. She LOVES to go for rides in the car. She did have a great day at daycare. I still feel a bit anxious about leaving her for 5 days, but I think she will do wonderful.

One of the things it said in the brochure for the doggy daycare is that happy dogs play hard and sleep harder. That she did. She was worn out when she got home that night. We will probably do daycare one more time before our trip. Lady learns very quickly, and we want to make sure she learns that we will come back for her.

Digital Scrapbooking

I've mentioned digital scrapbooking in several posts since my birthday. I've looked into it before. The idea intrigued me. Over the last few years, I have bought a couple of cheapo programs, but they didn't allow for much creativity. Just dropping pictures in their templates. Last fall I tried out a free program from Creative Memories. The catch with the free version is that you have to purchase the scrapbook in a hard bound book format directly from Creative Memories. While I'd like to do this for some projects. I know I didn't want to for all. The other thing with the free version was you couldn't manipulate, add or delete elements on the page. Like the cheapo programs, it was just a matter of dropping in pictures, and adding text. Where they differ is in offering a full function version for sale. I thought about it for months, and decided that's what I wanted for my birthday. That's what Mark got me. What a wonderful investment it's been. I don't have to order a whole book. I can print individual pages at home. I've ordered quite a few pages from Costco. They turned out beautifully. I've done so many pages with this program, and I LOVE IT! I can change anything within the layout. I've had a great time with it. I even have possibility of some very large projects for other people in the works.

Here is a project I've been working on. It still needs a lot of work. These pages all have a very similar look. I started them with the intent of using them for a profile when we were looking into adopting. I did the bulk of the work on them in the free version of the creative memories program, so I haven't done all of the extra manipulating and changing on the pages. In addition to that, I don't have the journaling done on most of them, but you get the idea!

I've been a bad blogger

I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger lately. I can't believe its been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I just haven't had much to say. We still don't have any definite plans on TTC. We remain on hold. With this time, I've just been working on my digital scrapbooking, projects around the house, as well as vacation planning. We're getting very excited for our vacation. Only 2 and a half weeks to go! Mark started out "along for the ride" on the vacation plans, but once I got the plans rolling he started to get excited about it as well.

Visit to the eye doctor

My eye doctor about our IF. Every year when I list the medications I'm on, it comes up. Last year both Mark and I had back to back eye doctor appointments the day after our positive beta. In fact, if Mark hadn't been with me when I got positive beta call, my plan was for him to find out on the vision chart at the eye doctor. Anyway, one of the questions was "are you pregnant or nursing." He was very excited for us when he saw I marked yes. So he noted my chart.

I've been dreading our appointments this year. Absolutely dreading it... I KNEW it would come up again. The eye doctors we go to are father and son. We usually see the son. I've only seen the father once. We had the father today. So I thought, maybe, just maybe it wouldn't come up. I got through most of the appointment, and finally it happened. He asked if we had a little boy, or little girl. I told him that we lost the baby. This was the part I was dreading. With this week's anniversaries, I was afraid the waterworks would be turned on. I was so afraid of this, that I almost called ahead of time to tell them that I miscarried, and not to ask. That way I could take care of my emotions in private. In the end, I decided not to. I choked back a few tears. But it turned out ok. He was very sympathetic. He said that has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. He said that his son (the one we usually see) and his wife lost their first baby, and he knew how it effected them.

The crazy thing about this is I've been dreading it (I know, I've mentioned that a couple of time already) and it's over. But I still feel panic when I think about it. What's up with that? There's nothing to be worried about now. Anyway, there's a peak into my messed up mind!

One year

I don't have any way of knowing exactly when our precious baby passed from this life into heaven, but today marks one year from the point that we knew he was gone. There's no point in getting into the yucky details, but I had already been spotting, but on this particular day had a bit more physical evidence that it was the beginning of the end. This was followed by a trip to the RE's office for an ultrasound that confirmed it. I'm doing far better than I thought I would. That's not to say I don't feel anything. My heart is broken. My baby is gone. I miss him. He should be a growing 4 month old baby in my arms. Instead he is a memory.

I never got to know you little Gabe, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss you.

OUCH!

I'm sitting in my recliner right now. Nearly every move I make hurts. I ache. I've been working on making some changes in my life. One of those is exercise. For the last week, Mark and I have been exercising every day. Yesterday I kicked things up a notch. I'm really feeling it today. In addition to the traditional exercise, my friend (former roommate) came over to do her taxes, and once we were done, we talked about exercise, and we decided to play some Wii Sports. I think that may be what I'm paying for now. Who knew a video game could make one's body ache?!?!

I'm doing fairly well with all of the anniversary dates this month. I'm sure that this week there will be more tears. This week is THE anniversary date of our pregnancy loss. I don't know what date for sure our precious Gabe passed from this world into heaven, but I do know the date that it was sure in my mind. I'm really hoping that the exercise me to not get too down.

On that happy note, I went to the doctor Friday. It was just an annual exam with my family doctor. I just can't seem to go too many months without putting my feet up in some stirrups. I love my family doctor. He and his nurse are both sooooo kind and caring. It seems that going to see them always brings my emotions to the surface. I bawled through a good portion of the appointment as I often do. He agreed that the exercise is a good thing and very important. When he heard that our FET was not successful, he said "Darn.... Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn!" I know he meant it. While they aren't a part of our treatment protocol, they are still really pulling for us. His Nurse, Laurie, said that she thinks of me every time she talks to her nephew and his wife, as they are in a similar situation. She told me that she really respects me and my strength. I told her I didn't feel very strong (as I said this through tears). She asked if it would be ok if she hugged me. How many nurses would actually do that? I just love them. As I left the office, I looked down at the form to check out. He marked depression. Do you think it was because I cried the whole time? Should I not have done that? Seriously though, I've wondered. Depression isn't something one wants to admit or talk about. But it's there. It's the elephant in the corner. I'm happy that Dr I didn't suggest medication. He's not a doctor that you leave with a prescription each time. However, he does prescribe when necessary. But he never even brought up the word depression during the appointment. I think at this point, he wants to me to go for the exercise. I heard of a recent study that showed a placebo is just as effective as medication for mild-moderate depression. Lifestyle changes have proved to be even more effective. That's what I'm going for. That's not the only reason for the exercise program. It's just a bonus. It's definitely incentive to stick with it.

Currently our treatment plans are on hold. I do hope to do one more FET, but it will be awhile before we are ready for this as a couple. Infertility can really take a toll on a person, and a marriage. It's important that we be in agreement. It's also important to follow God's guidance, and I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not feeling anything. So we wait.

While we wait, I decided to borrow from our treatment fund, cause.... we're going on vacation. I had a whisper in my ear. It was that still, small voice that said "Do you really want to chase after the life you want, while the life you have passes you by?" I don't know if we will ever be able to treatment again. It's not up to us. So why not borrow some of it to enjoy some time with my husband, and have an early 5th anniversary celebration! (We aren't able to go away in May for our actual anniversary because of Mark's job.) So next month we are going to San Diego. We will meet a dear friend from Hannah's Prayer, and go to Sea World and a few other places. It started out as something just I wanted to do, but now Mark is just as excited as I am!

Difficult Anniversaries

One year ago today was a Monday. I woke up early. I had to go to the hospital lab and have blood drawn for a beta hcg blood test (aka blood pregnancy test). It was a mere formality. Something my clinic has all of their patients do at the conclusion of a treatment cycle. I had already done a home pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. I almost skipped out on the blood draw, but I did it anyways. I went to work after the blood draw. On my way home for lunch, I talked on the phone with Mark. I couldn't see how we could afford to do another treatment cycle anytime soon. Maybe we just needed to focus on other things. We both cold stand to lose some weight. That was the sum of the conversation. While I was at home, just as I was getting ready to head back to work. My cellphone rang. It was a nurse, calling to tell me they had the results of my blood work. My hcg was 9. 9 is a positive in some ways. But not a very solid one. She told me there was cause for concern of a tubal pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. She knew then that there was very little chance for our baby. I was pregnant. I was a mom. What I had wanted for so long was here. I should have felt joy. Instead I felt numb. I didn't get a chance to feel that joy. When we told people of the pregnancy, it was always tempered with "but pray... they say it doesn't look good." I remember so many details of that day...

This journey has many hills and valleys. Right now I seem to be in a poorly lit valley. I told a friend this a couple of days ago. This morning it came to me... You don't go from a valley to a hill without a little climbing. I can't just expect to magically appear on the hilltop. I really don't know what's next for us. I wish I do. I hate not having a plan. I fill like I'm sitting on my hands here. Add into the mix difficult anniversaries... makes for some tough days. I'm trying to keep busy. That helps. What helps more is the prayers so many people are praying for us. Thank you all! Please, please, keep em coming.

Bad blogger

I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger. Over the years so much of my identity has become wrapped up in our infertility. So when we aren't actively doing something to increase our chances of expanding our family, I feel like I don't have much worth saying. I know that is not true, but it is how I feel. God has been working on my heart during this quiet time. There are so many things I don't know how to share right now. Maybe it's supposed to be kept to myself, I don't know.

I'm hoping we will be able to do one more frozen embryo transfer. Right now the money just isn't there. I was really hoping our income tax refund would do the trick. Then Mark had to take his car to the shop. Guess who is getting our income tax refund now. I remind myself that this isn't taking God by surprise. If this is something He wants for us to do, He will provide.

In other news, I've taken to digital scrapbooking. I'm really enjoying it. I got the software for my birthday. The cost for printing these books adds up, so now I've also started a couple of projects at the request of other people. I get to create them, and someone else gets to pay for it! At least it's something to occupy my time!

Right now I would ask for continued prayers for God's direction, and if it is His will that we continue treatment, and bring the last of our embies home, that He would provide the finances for it.

Ministry

I've been quiet for awhile. I don't know what to say. It's been a time of grieving and processing. I wish I knew what comes next. I don't. However one beautiful thing is that I've been able to spend some time e-mailing back and forth with a friend of my sister's friend. I have never met her before, but I've been talking her through the embryo adoption process, and all of the emotional aspects involved as well. Talking to her about embryo adoption has been such an amazing help to me. It brings an answer to my "Why?" questions. I've helped bring about more awareness of embryo adoption. This lady knew of the option. She heard about it at our clinic. (Since she is in Idaho, she goes to the same clinic as I.) But she said for the first time, after talking things through with me, she's starting to feel excited about the possibility. I had asked God to use me to minister to others and educate them about embryo adoption. When I was asking, I was sure that I'd be ministering with a baby in my arms. "His ways are not my ways."

All in all, I've gotta say that I'm doing well. I've had my emotional days, but at least this week they haven't been every day. They've spaced out a bit. Thank you all for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. We sure need direction. I wish the spell check worked in this thing!

Continuing to deal

This last week has been a lot of ups and downs. I've asked God lots of questions. I haven't heard many answers yet. But sometimes the answers just aren't for us to know right now. I have no doubt God can use this for His glory. That doesn't make the journey any less painful. It just makes the pain more meaningful.

Friday was my 30th birthday. When we scheduled our transfer, I imagined telling our families of a pregnancy for my birthday, instead I got a very tangible reminder that I was in fact not pregnant. You can use your imagination with that one. OUCH! In Mark's words "Your body sure knows how to treat a lady." I kept it together throughout the day just fine, but at the end of the day, I had to let it break free. While chatting with some dear friends online I did. A sobbing bawling fit. Being 30 and childless was never in my plan. It's hard to let go of our own plans for our lives.

I don't know what is next for us. For now we will sit tight and listen for direction. We can force things to happen, but if it's not God's will, I have no doubt it will bring more pain. The desire of my heart is to give the rest of our embryos a chance at life. I must surrender their lives to God though. They aren't mine. He is the giver of life. He knows their future. We would love your prayers for direction. And I need to shut up and listen for it!