Healing

My tush has begun the healing process, unfortunately I think my heart is a ways behind. For those who have not done intensive fertility treatments. Let me just give you a peek. Over the last month of this process my back side had at least 25 needle in it. In addition to that, I had 7 blood draws. That's a whole lot of needle sticks. Three of the blood draws were this last week. I have some bruising on my arm from this. My back side is a bit more unfortunate. We had a couple of injection issues this week. One was an injection site reaction that was feared to be infection. I had to go to the doctor to be checked out. To make things a little easier I went to my local family doctor. He's such a sweet sweet man. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. Then he asked how I was really doing, emotionally was more his concern. Of course that brought on the water works. This was the day before my beta, but even then I was fearing the worse.

So the healing begins. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. I am a very blessed person. I know this. There aren't many things that I truly want that I don't have. Mark has been asking me for weeks what I want for my birthday. My mom asked me the same question the other day. I don't know what to tell them. There's not an easy (legal) way for either of them to get me a baby. I want to be content with what I have. Great, here comes the tears again. I guess I better go remove the counter on the side of the page now....

Sad news...

My blood test was today. I am heartbroken to share with you, our friends and family following our journey, that our three precious embryos did not make it. My pregnancy test this morning was negative. Our hope was to give these tiny humans a chance at life. We are struggling to see what God has for us to learn through this, as we grieve this loss. We now have four children waiting for us in heaven. We do still have four frozen from the same group as this last transfer. Unfortunately, I don't see a clear direction in paying for another transfer. We are back to seeking God's direction.

I would not be truthful if said I haven't questioned God today. I have kicked and screamed and yelled and and cried. I don't understand. We truly felt God opened these doors for us. We appreciate your continued prayers.

Back to the real world

Tomorrow I head back to the real world. I've been able to stay home for the better part of a week. I've left the house once since our transfer 5 days ago. Tomorrow it's time to go back to work. While I don't particularly enjoy laying in bed for days on end, I'm not terribly excited to go back to work either. I'm thinking this should be a fairly slow work week. But I have to dive in for a full 5 days. I haven't had too many of those since before Christmas! Hopefully the time will pass quickly until the blood test to determine if I'm pregnant. I caved and did a home pregnancy test. I sooooo wish I had not. It's far to early for a test to be reliable, and all it did was discourage me. I want so badly for this to be a successful pregnancy. I really need to just trust God who opened all of the doors for us to do this procedure. I'd really love to be able to find out at home, instead of a call on my cellphone at work, as has been the case in the past.

Bedrest boredom

I have a whole new respect for women who have to endure months of bed rest. This is nuts! I'm on day 3. I'm allowed to be up for bathroom, bathing and meals. It's not strict bed rest, but they did request I not go to work, and stay in bed as much as possible. I think I've done a pretty good job. Mark has done a great job of taking care of us, and our family has brought some meals over, in addition to the food I had already frozen. Mark says we're eating better now than when I'm up and around. Lady has done a great job of keeping me company. She moves with me from the bed to the recliner and back. I think she is completely enjoying the bed rest.

So far, I've done a bit of reading, played some computer games (difficult when laying down), made 1/2 a scarf with my knifty knitter, watched a whole lot of tv, and slept quite a bit too. Mark has been covering an early shift at work this week, so I've had to wake up early myself so he can give me my morning shot. Speaking of shots....... OUCH! Did I mention something earlier in the week about how the shots weren't so bad. I think I may have mentioned that I would probably be singing a different tune before too long. I was right on that part. It smarts. The progesterone in oil is thick. We warm it before drawing it into the syringe, and that helps thin it out, but it still leaves lovely knots in the muscles for a few days after each shot. So we are rotating the shots around the circles drawn on my behind by the nurse. Other than that, nothing exciting.... just resisting the urge to take a pregnancy test. It's far too early. I know this.

OOPS???

I mentioned it earlier this week, but on Monday I took Lady to Petsmart to be groomed. She has been there, I would guess 8-10 times. Each time, we have been very pleased with the results. They do a bath and brush. As part of the package, they also clean the ears, trim her nails, and trim the hair on her feet and around her bum (also called a sanitary shave). I went to pick her up as soon as they called. She was as excited as always to see me. We went to the register and paid. On our way out of the store, Lady rushed ahead wagging her tail, excited to go for a ride in the car agian.... imagine my surprise when her bum is exposed to me. They didn't trim anything. They shaved her bum bare!! All I could think of when I saw it, was those bare bum monkeys! I've searched the internet, and I'm unable to come up with the name. This picture isn't even really what I was thinking, but you get the idea. Here's my poor pup's butchered bum! She used to have long pretty hair around her tail and legs. I complained, but didn't really get anywhere. They just tried to blend it in a bit better. I'm horrified. Like my dad says though.... the only difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is a couple of weeks...

Do you see a similarity here??

Transfer complete

I have nothing to compare it to, but I think the transfer went very well. When I arrived, they gave me a Valium. Good stuff! Made me loopy, and what I can only imagine was a drunk feeling. After about a half hour, we were led back to the transfer room. The doctor brought this wonderful picture for us. He said there were two "good" embryos and one "fair" embryo. The fair one doesn't have a great chance. He asked if we wanted to transfer all three. Of course we did! We hold true to our belief that these are human beings, and are in no way disposable. Praise the LORD! These three were from the first straw. That's all they had to transfer. That means we have four more that remain frozen and waiting for us. The procedure itself was a bit uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I'd have to say these daily progesterone shots are far worse! I slept most of the way home, so that was wonderful. I have three days of bed rest. I know I'm leaving out details, but my brain is full, and having a hard time getting things out!

I just have to share the picture of our beautiful little ones. I have tears in my eyes looking at them. Look at them. They are little teeny tiny people! They are our children.

Thank you all so much for your prayers today. I don't think we could have asked for things to go any better today!

So now the REAL wait begins. I won't tell you exactly when we will know. We will tell everyone the results of our pregnancy tests as soon as we are ready. It'll be somewhere around a couple of weeks though.

Today is the big day!

For all practical purposes, it's very late Monday night, but the clock says it's Tuesday! Tuesday is the bit day we've been looking to for weeks.

I worked a little more than half a day, and the rest of the day was spent rushing around, taking care of business. I got Lady groomed (and boy is there a story to go with that-for another day though). I did some birthday shopping for a niece who has a birthday later this week. I cleaned and cleaned. I filled the car with gas and had it washed. I loaded Lady's kennel into the car for tomorrow's trip. I think I've done all I'm going to do though. I'm beat. I really did more cleaning than I thought I would. The house isn't completely company clean. But it's respectable. I'm pleased with it. I don't see anything that will drive me nuts sitting here looking at for a few days unable to do anything about!

We really appreciate your prayers today. I'm getting really anxious!

More ambitious than I thought!

Despite feeling like I've been hit by a truck, I've accomplished far more than I thought I would when I woke up yesterday. Still not as much as I originally hoped earlier in the week, but I'm happy with what I got done. We went grocery shopping yesterday. That in itself is exhausting. Then we came home, unloaded the groceries, and I started cooking. Mark got the oil changed in my car, and I kept cooking. I have 4 pans of lasagna in the freezer. They aren't full pans. I chose to do 8x8 pans so it would be enough for one dinner for us, and probably one meal of leftovers. I didn't want us to get sick of it! Then I did 2 batches of meat sauce for spaghetti. This will hopefully help mark with meals while I'm on bed rest. In addition to those meals, my mom will be bringing over taco soup and meat balls for the freezer too. I'm told my oldest sister will be bringing food too. We should be well stocked. If things work out well, I think I could get into this freezer cooking. It really took no more effort to make 4 pans of lasagna than it does to make one. But now when we want one, it will take very little effort.

After the cooking, I got the kitchen really clean. Not quite the top to bottom house cleaning that I had planned for this weekend, but it's a step in the right direction. I'll be going to work for the morning tomorrow, and then I am coming home to finish off some loose ends before the transfer.

I'm already rethinking how easy the progesterone shots were. Today's didn't hurt going in either, but wow, there is a big hard knot in my muscles from both injections. I have a feeling we will quickly run out of real estate on my back side to inject without hitting one of the knots! Oh well, part of the process.

Almost there!

The process intensifies today. We added several new medications to the mix. This morning we started daily progesterone in oil injections. This oil is thicker than the estridol injections we have been doing for a couple of weeks now. For that reason, the needle is larger as well. Not much, but enough that I can feel it! The dose is larger as well, so it takes longer to administer. I have to say though, Mark is doing great with the injections. Only one has really hurt. This morning's injection was no exception. I was really dreading it, and while I'm feeling it a bit now, it's not nearly as bad as I anticipated. I fully realize I just might be singing a different tune after a week or so of these progesterone injections. Today we also added an antibiotic and steroid to the mix for the next 4 days. These are part of the standard protocol at our clinic for Frozen Embryo Transfers. The twice weekly Estridol Valerate injections and the daily Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections will continue through the first trimester of pregnancy. I'm not quite sure how long the baby aspirin will continue. I've heard of some doctors recommending it continue through nearly the entire pregnancy.

As the minutes tick by, we are getting closer and closer to Tuesday's transfer. I had big plans for making and freezing some meals this weekend, and doing a top to bottom cleaning of the house. However, I have caught a case of the creeping crud. There has been a NASTY cold going around work, and I seem to be coming down with it. Because our transfer is coming up so soon, I'm very leery about taking medications, because I don't want them in my system when they put those precious babes inside me that might interfere with their implantation or development. So alas, I'm not sure I will accomplish too much this weekend.

Final Countdown

It's Tuesday. . . (Actually, Tuesday is almost over, I'm tired and ready for bed. But that's beside the point) It's one week until transfer! I'm starting to get some butterflies. I haven't been posting much, because there isn't a whole lot to post.

Mark has been giving me twice weekly estridol shots. Those are on Tuesday and Friday evenings. I have been going for weekly blood draws. Now that the holidays are over, those tests are on Tuesday mornings. I am able to take the lab orders to the local hospital, and the send the results to my clinic in Boise (a couple hours drive away). For that I am so thankful. I can't imagine having to make the trek to Boise for each of these tests!

Our preparation will intensify this weekend as several other medications are introduced into the mix. I'll get into that more as we get closer. I'm also making preparations at work, and home for several days of bed rest following the transfer. I'm had been hoping to do some cooking and freezing to make meals easier. Not so sure that is going to happen. Oh well, thank goodness for the freezer section at Costco, and the Schwans man! :)

In other news, I have a little sign on my desk at work that says "Let it Snow." Most people think I want a snowstorm. It's really just a reminder of our little snowflake babies. We got quite a snowstorm today! 5 and half inches!

LOOK!!! 2 hands...

The real countdown is on! As of yesterday we can count on two hands how many days until our transfer. It is all be coming so real. I believe the kinks and miscommunications have been worked out in our thaw plan. I'm not sure that there was ever a problem, but my coordinator was not there for my lining check, and the other NP's were grossly misinformed. Once this is all over, I might make a complaint. They really sent me in a panic by misinterpreting my coordinators notes. She has added some clarification to her notes, and added a request to call me on the day of transfer if they feel it necessary to thaw more than one straw, so that we can discuss it. The last thing I want in this process is to disregard the value of each individual life. That was a big part of our decision to pursue embryo adoption was to honor life!

Subtle hints

Silent screams for attention? Something tells me it's time to get off the computer? Maybe?


In other news, I had to write a large check to the clinic today to pay for the transfer etc. WOWSA! Makes it all the more real. I got my "To-go sheet" that has all of the instructions to get ready for the transfer.

All went well with the ultrasound. My lining is right on track for a transfer on 1/15. I do have some concerns to work out with the clinic about how many embryos to thaw. I would covet your prayers that this can be worked out in a way that would glorify God and show the very deserved respect for the lives of each of these embryos. The last thing I want to do is lose sight of the things I believe in my pursuit to have a child.

It's getting so close

Oh, it's getting so close, and the nerves are kicking in. It's just a little over two weeks until the target transfer. My mind keeps trying to wander to the things that could go wrong. I have to remind myself that God has opened these doors for us, and leave it in His hands. We are not on this journey by accident. God has a plan in all of it. Even when my plans do not line up with His, I have to know that His plans for me are good. That doesn't mean that it is without suffering, but He will never give us more than we can handle. I was reminded of this visiting a church today where an old friend was speaking. Once again, not by accident.

2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--

Today's bloodwork update...

I went first thing this morning for the blood work I mentioned in yesterday's post. Nothing too exciting. I got a call this afternoon that my Estridol level is a little under where they would like to see it for this time in my cycle. I was at work, and didn't write down the number she told me. I really wish I would have. I'll remember next time. In any case, they are having me increase the dose of my Estridol Valerate injections from .15 to .2 Still just twice a week. My next blood test will be Monday. I'm REALLY praying everything is still right on track next Wednesday when I go for my ultrasound. I've had thin lining issues in the past, so they won't transfer the embies if my lining isn't at a proper thickness.

Since Mark will not be able to go to Wednesday's appointment with me, tomorrow night we will go have our dear friend Angie notarize his signature on the last of our consent forms. Very exciting. Getting closer and closer!

Wonderful Christmas, and cycle progress

I'm happy to report that we had a wonderful Christmas. Christmas Eve, I worked all day. After work we went to my parents house for the evening. We played had dinner, my mom provided gifts for a gift exchange accompanied by a cute little story about the "Wright Family." Every time the word right, write, Wright etc was said, gifts had to be passed to the right. Every time left was said, gifts had to be passed to the left. We finished off the evening with family with a little boxing and other games on the Wii. Lots of laughs and fun. Christmas morning we went to my sister's house for gifts with my side of the family. Then about noon we went to Mark's parents house for gift exchange with their family, and lunch. We started a movie, but came home before the movie was over.

We finished off the evening with Mark giving me a shot of Estridol Valerate. This was my second injection of this cycle. However Mark's mom gave me the first shot, to demonstrate technique for Mark. I'm happy to report Mark did fantastic. I barely felt a thing! So at least we know the twice weekly injections of the Estridol shouldn't be a problem. The jury is still out on the Progesterone in Oil. That is a larger needle, thicker oil, larger amount to be injected, and it's daily. I'm still not to excited about that part, but it's part of the process. Tomorrow I will go for a blood test to monitor my estrogen levels. They want to make sure I have a "therapeutic level" in my blood. From what the nurse practitioner explained to me, too much E2 acts as a contraceptive, too little won't build up the lining of my uterus in time for our transfer. Lots of needles involved with this process.

Our evening in the Castle

There are so many details in our suite, it would be impossible to show everything. Here are a few of them. Entering the room, the jacuzzi tub is nestled in the rocks to one side, just outside the castle walls. From there, you walk over a draw bridge across the moat complete with an alligator and all! The suite was two levels, with the dining room downstairs, and the round bed upstairs in the turret. The turret had a domed ceiling with a flat screen TV mounted above. (I think that was Mark's favorite part). The upstairs has an overlook to the moat and bathtub below. It's such an expensive place to stay, we can't afford to go there often, but it's always such an enjoyable experience, and a wonderful time to reconnect. We got a gift certificate good for any room at Costco, so we were able to stay in one of the most expensive suites. What a fantastic Christmas gift to each other.

We're on our way!!

We had our plan of care meeting, lining check ultrasound, and injection training yesterday. It was a very informative meeting. We have our appointment times set up for lining checks and our transfer!! SO Exciting!

All is well with my lining. It's right where it should be for the beginning of my cycle. The cyst that was found in my last ultrasound early November has started collapsing. All is well, we're on our way! Our coordinator gave us some consents to sign, and some more consents to take with us and read through and bring back to the next lining check. We reviewed the medications, and how to give the injections. I now have a large black sharpie circle drawn on each bum cheek as targets for Mark. The first injection was today. We will continue to do these injections twice a week. In addition to this set of injections, we both began a 10 day course of antibiotics to ward off any underlying infections, and I began a daily regimen of low dose aspirin. Lots and lots to keep track of. I will go for blood work in a little less than a week to check my estrogen levels. From that they will adjust my medication levels for injections.

Tonight was the first injection. Although we had targets on my bum, we both felt best about having Mark watch a professional do a shot once before he started. It just so happens Mark's mom is a nurse. We went by her office after work, and I prepared the medication, the three of us stepped into the bathroom, and she gave me the shot. I really didn't feel it. Gives me happy feelings for what is to come. I was dreading these injections. I should mention these are intramuscular injections, not subcutaneous as I have given myself before. For those new to this journey, or just following along on our journey, intramuscular means a bigger needle, given into the muscle, subcutaneous is just under the skin, with a skinny little tiny needle.

In other news, Mark and I stayed at a wonderful theme suite bed and breakfast last night. This was our third stay there. We stayed for our wedding night, and one night last week. It's such an expensive place, but so well worth it in our books. It's a wonderful time together reconnecting and just being with each other. Tomorrow I will post pictures of our stay in "Sleeping Beauty's Castle."

Long time no update

I haven't updated in quite awhile. I'm not sure why either. I have been in a bit of a funk for a little bit. I lack motivation to do much, but I've forced myself to get the holiday stuff together. This is totally unlike me. I really didn't want to decorate for Christmas, I really didn't even want to hang Christmas lights. That is REALLY not me. I don't know if it's just that my mind is already anticipating January, or if the birth control pills are affecting my moods. Both are likely true. However over the last couple of weekends I have gotten myself together, and gotten the decorating and shopping pretty much complete. Most of the gifts are wrapped and several are under the tree. My plan is to have everything else "wrapped up" in the next few days.

In other news, my body has been less than cooperative this last week, resulting in a frantic phone call to the RE's office on Friday. I was quire sure this was going to throw a wrench in the timeline. The nurse assured me that all was not lost. As of now, the plan is still on track. Tonight is my last birth control pill! YAAAAY!! As exciting as that is, I have a feeling when my bum becomes a pin-cushion, I will be longing for the days of silly little birth control pills. Friday I picked up my prescriptions. The pharmacist wasn't sure of what size needles I was going to need, so he "threw in enough to get me through a week." The pile made my stomach do flips. Ohhhhhh dear! What have I signed myself up for? I remember how nerve wracked I was this past January/February when I started injections for the first time. Those were little tiny needles that went into my belly. This time, the needles are not so tiny, and have to go into my bum muscles. My cheeks tighten at the thought.

It's been awhile since I've had anything to do to get ready for our FET. So I just decided to do some calendar counting and share with anyone who wants to know.

I have:

9 more days of birth control pills.

14 days until our baseline ultrasound and plan of care meeting.

15 days until we start estrogen shots (not so much fun, but part of the process)

22 days of work until the transfer.

and last but CERTAINLY not least....

39 days till transfer!!!!


That got me excited all over again :)

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

I hate to say nothing, but there's nothing much to say. Nothing has changed over the past few weeks, other than getting ready for Christmas.

A dear friend, and former neighbor called to catch up with me this afternoon. (Oh how I miss them!) I was able to tell her all of the exciting news about our embryo adoption. Because I haven't had any "work" to do to get ready, it's seemed a little less real, and very distant. But just explaining the process to someone new got me excited all over again!

I have taken 4 weeks of birth control pills. I have 2 more weeks to go. So far the pills haven't made me sick as I have always gotten with bcp's in the past. So that's a very good thing. We are just a just a little over 6 weeks to transfer. With all of the Christmas festivities in the midst of that, I'm hoping the time will tick by very quickly.

I'm off to start decorating the inside of our house for Christmas.