Even more!

Today's entry

even more!

For some silly reason, these 3 pages weren't clickable in the previous post, so here they are again.

(Click on the pictures to view them larger)

My latest digi layouts

Here's the layouts for the last couple of days. I took so many pictures, I'm trying to narrow it down. I don't want a long boring scrapbook, but I still want to capture the wonderful time we've had. I do need to add more journaling to several pages, but at least you get an idea! (I made the film strip on the last one from scratch. I spent some time on it, but I saved it as a .png file so I can reuse it in other layouts later if I want. I think it looks kinda cool :)

(Click on the pictures to see them larger)

More Vacation pages

(Click on pictures to see them larger)

Vacation Pictures

I took HUNDREDS of pictures on our vacation to San Diego. I think it was somewhere around 400. Rather than bore you with ALL the pictures and details, I decided I'm going to post my digital scrapbook pages as I make them. I'm going to be working on it for awhile. So stay tuned! Here is the first of what I'm SURE will be many...

(Click on pictures to see them larger)

Vacation

We're having such a great time on vacation. We miss our dog. We were at Sea World today, and Mark mentioned several times how different animal behaviors reminded him of Lady (usually when something was laying on it's back). She is just such a part of our family. I took a couple hundred pictures today. I'll just post one tonight, and pick my favorites when we're back home. I composed this one in my digital scrapbooking program really quick from my laptop, and had it printed at Walgreens for postcards for the family.

Leaving on a jetplane

We are sitting in the airport waiting for our flight. We were early. You never know how long it's going to take to get through security these days. So we arrived the prescribed 2 hours early, and there were NO lines. No lines at check-in, and no lines in security. We got through security very quickly, even though I got pulled out for a TSA pat-down. Darn the underwire bra! So now we wait. I'm thankful for free Wi-Fi! We're excited to be going on vacation. Lady is at a very nice boarding facility. She was happy to go.

Vacation Plans

We leave on vacation in 2 days! I just got off the phone with the hotel making confirmations, and that got me excited. I'm just trying to finalize plans. I love going on vacation. This is the 3rd big trip Mark and I have taken since we got married. To celebrate our first anniversary we went to Las Vegas. A month before our third anniversary we went to Disneyland, and now we're off to.... well, you might just have to find out about that when we get back! We do plan on having a lot of fun though.

Today has been spent packing, packing, packing! I also planted some tulips that I got from Costco. Lots of laundry. I'm pleased with what I've accomplished. The house needs a bit more cleaning, and I have a little bit more to pack, and then we'll be ready to roll Tuesday afternoon. If we can get Internet connection for a reasonable amount of money, we will post pictures while we are away!

Lady goes to Daycare

A bit of background: A couple of years ago when we went to Disneyland we made arrangements to board Lady at very nice facility. They aren't in cages the whole time. As long as the dogs can get along with each other, then can be out and about throughout the large dog area of the facility. They can go inside or to the fenced in area outside at will during "free time." I didn't see it, but the brochure even says they have cable tv. I would guess they are watching Animal Planet. I know Lady like to watch animals on TV. Lady is very important to us. We are probably more protective of her than your average pet owner. She's really a part of our family. A couple of weeks before our vacation we made an appointment to take her in for an exam at the vet, and her to update her vaccinations, mainly her kennel cough vaccine. Wouldn't you know it, one week later.... she has kennel cough! She picked it up while she was at the vet. Because of this we could no longer board her at the facility we wanted to, but the vet said we could board her with them. So I was feeling a little sad when I dropped her off, so I asked to see where she was going to be, to put my mind at ease. BIG MISTAKE! It was terrible. It was loud, and dingy. Just an ugly, sad place. I wanted to take her and run. I was bawling. I made some phone calls, but we just didn't have any other valid options.

Most of the time, when we travel it's not far, and we can take Lady with us. We've only had to leave her a few times since that Disney Trip, and we've either been able to leave her with friends or family. This time, for our vacation, it has worked out that no one can keep her for us. We've weighed out our options and decided to try the boarding facility we wanted to take her to the first time. I feel so anxious about it though. So this week I went to take a peek at the facility again. It's really very nice. This facility also offers daycare. So I signed her up for a day so we could see how she did. Ignore the pathetic look on her face in the above picture. We didn't really make her wear a backpack to daycare. That was taken after the fact for fun. She just didn't see the fun in it. She did know something was up that morning. She usually goes to her crate when she sees me brushing my teeth. It's usually the last thing I do before leaving the house. She did go to her crate, and then bolted back out and started spinning around in the living room. She usually does this before she goes for a ride in the car. She LOVES to go for rides in the car. She did have a great day at daycare. I still feel a bit anxious about leaving her for 5 days, but I think she will do wonderful.

One of the things it said in the brochure for the doggy daycare is that happy dogs play hard and sleep harder. That she did. She was worn out when she got home that night. We will probably do daycare one more time before our trip. Lady learns very quickly, and we want to make sure she learns that we will come back for her.

Digital Scrapbooking

I've mentioned digital scrapbooking in several posts since my birthday. I've looked into it before. The idea intrigued me. Over the last few years, I have bought a couple of cheapo programs, but they didn't allow for much creativity. Just dropping pictures in their templates. Last fall I tried out a free program from Creative Memories. The catch with the free version is that you have to purchase the scrapbook in a hard bound book format directly from Creative Memories. While I'd like to do this for some projects. I know I didn't want to for all. The other thing with the free version was you couldn't manipulate, add or delete elements on the page. Like the cheapo programs, it was just a matter of dropping in pictures, and adding text. Where they differ is in offering a full function version for sale. I thought about it for months, and decided that's what I wanted for my birthday. That's what Mark got me. What a wonderful investment it's been. I don't have to order a whole book. I can print individual pages at home. I've ordered quite a few pages from Costco. They turned out beautifully. I've done so many pages with this program, and I LOVE IT! I can change anything within the layout. I've had a great time with it. I even have possibility of some very large projects for other people in the works.

Here is a project I've been working on. It still needs a lot of work. These pages all have a very similar look. I started them with the intent of using them for a profile when we were looking into adopting. I did the bulk of the work on them in the free version of the creative memories program, so I haven't done all of the extra manipulating and changing on the pages. In addition to that, I don't have the journaling done on most of them, but you get the idea!

I've been a bad blogger

I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger lately. I can't believe its been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I just haven't had much to say. We still don't have any definite plans on TTC. We remain on hold. With this time, I've just been working on my digital scrapbooking, projects around the house, as well as vacation planning. We're getting very excited for our vacation. Only 2 and a half weeks to go! Mark started out "along for the ride" on the vacation plans, but once I got the plans rolling he started to get excited about it as well.

Visit to the eye doctor

My eye doctor about our IF. Every year when I list the medications I'm on, it comes up. Last year both Mark and I had back to back eye doctor appointments the day after our positive beta. In fact, if Mark hadn't been with me when I got positive beta call, my plan was for him to find out on the vision chart at the eye doctor. Anyway, one of the questions was "are you pregnant or nursing." He was very excited for us when he saw I marked yes. So he noted my chart.

I've been dreading our appointments this year. Absolutely dreading it... I KNEW it would come up again. The eye doctors we go to are father and son. We usually see the son. I've only seen the father once. We had the father today. So I thought, maybe, just maybe it wouldn't come up. I got through most of the appointment, and finally it happened. He asked if we had a little boy, or little girl. I told him that we lost the baby. This was the part I was dreading. With this week's anniversaries, I was afraid the waterworks would be turned on. I was so afraid of this, that I almost called ahead of time to tell them that I miscarried, and not to ask. That way I could take care of my emotions in private. In the end, I decided not to. I choked back a few tears. But it turned out ok. He was very sympathetic. He said that has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. He said that his son (the one we usually see) and his wife lost their first baby, and he knew how it effected them.

The crazy thing about this is I've been dreading it (I know, I've mentioned that a couple of time already) and it's over. But I still feel panic when I think about it. What's up with that? There's nothing to be worried about now. Anyway, there's a peak into my messed up mind!

One year

I don't have any way of knowing exactly when our precious baby passed from this life into heaven, but today marks one year from the point that we knew he was gone. There's no point in getting into the yucky details, but I had already been spotting, but on this particular day had a bit more physical evidence that it was the beginning of the end. This was followed by a trip to the RE's office for an ultrasound that confirmed it. I'm doing far better than I thought I would. That's not to say I don't feel anything. My heart is broken. My baby is gone. I miss him. He should be a growing 4 month old baby in my arms. Instead he is a memory.

I never got to know you little Gabe, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss you.

OUCH!

I'm sitting in my recliner right now. Nearly every move I make hurts. I ache. I've been working on making some changes in my life. One of those is exercise. For the last week, Mark and I have been exercising every day. Yesterday I kicked things up a notch. I'm really feeling it today. In addition to the traditional exercise, my friend (former roommate) came over to do her taxes, and once we were done, we talked about exercise, and we decided to play some Wii Sports. I think that may be what I'm paying for now. Who knew a video game could make one's body ache?!?!

I'm doing fairly well with all of the anniversary dates this month. I'm sure that this week there will be more tears. This week is THE anniversary date of our pregnancy loss. I don't know what date for sure our precious Gabe passed from this world into heaven, but I do know the date that it was sure in my mind. I'm really hoping that the exercise me to not get too down.

On that happy note, I went to the doctor Friday. It was just an annual exam with my family doctor. I just can't seem to go too many months without putting my feet up in some stirrups. I love my family doctor. He and his nurse are both sooooo kind and caring. It seems that going to see them always brings my emotions to the surface. I bawled through a good portion of the appointment as I often do. He agreed that the exercise is a good thing and very important. When he heard that our FET was not successful, he said "Darn.... Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn. Darn!" I know he meant it. While they aren't a part of our treatment protocol, they are still really pulling for us. His Nurse, Laurie, said that she thinks of me every time she talks to her nephew and his wife, as they are in a similar situation. She told me that she really respects me and my strength. I told her I didn't feel very strong (as I said this through tears). She asked if it would be ok if she hugged me. How many nurses would actually do that? I just love them. As I left the office, I looked down at the form to check out. He marked depression. Do you think it was because I cried the whole time? Should I not have done that? Seriously though, I've wondered. Depression isn't something one wants to admit or talk about. But it's there. It's the elephant in the corner. I'm happy that Dr I didn't suggest medication. He's not a doctor that you leave with a prescription each time. However, he does prescribe when necessary. But he never even brought up the word depression during the appointment. I think at this point, he wants to me to go for the exercise. I heard of a recent study that showed a placebo is just as effective as medication for mild-moderate depression. Lifestyle changes have proved to be even more effective. That's what I'm going for. That's not the only reason for the exercise program. It's just a bonus. It's definitely incentive to stick with it.

Currently our treatment plans are on hold. I do hope to do one more FET, but it will be awhile before we are ready for this as a couple. Infertility can really take a toll on a person, and a marriage. It's important that we be in agreement. It's also important to follow God's guidance, and I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not feeling anything. So we wait.

While we wait, I decided to borrow from our treatment fund, cause.... we're going on vacation. I had a whisper in my ear. It was that still, small voice that said "Do you really want to chase after the life you want, while the life you have passes you by?" I don't know if we will ever be able to treatment again. It's not up to us. So why not borrow some of it to enjoy some time with my husband, and have an early 5th anniversary celebration! (We aren't able to go away in May for our actual anniversary because of Mark's job.) So next month we are going to San Diego. We will meet a dear friend from Hannah's Prayer, and go to Sea World and a few other places. It started out as something just I wanted to do, but now Mark is just as excited as I am!

Difficult Anniversaries

One year ago today was a Monday. I woke up early. I had to go to the hospital lab and have blood drawn for a beta hcg blood test (aka blood pregnancy test). It was a mere formality. Something my clinic has all of their patients do at the conclusion of a treatment cycle. I had already done a home pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. I almost skipped out on the blood draw, but I did it anyways. I went to work after the blood draw. On my way home for lunch, I talked on the phone with Mark. I couldn't see how we could afford to do another treatment cycle anytime soon. Maybe we just needed to focus on other things. We both cold stand to lose some weight. That was the sum of the conversation. While I was at home, just as I was getting ready to head back to work. My cellphone rang. It was a nurse, calling to tell me they had the results of my blood work. My hcg was 9. 9 is a positive in some ways. But not a very solid one. She told me there was cause for concern of a tubal pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. She knew then that there was very little chance for our baby. I was pregnant. I was a mom. What I had wanted for so long was here. I should have felt joy. Instead I felt numb. I didn't get a chance to feel that joy. When we told people of the pregnancy, it was always tempered with "but pray... they say it doesn't look good." I remember so many details of that day...

This journey has many hills and valleys. Right now I seem to be in a poorly lit valley. I told a friend this a couple of days ago. This morning it came to me... You don't go from a valley to a hill without a little climbing. I can't just expect to magically appear on the hilltop. I really don't know what's next for us. I wish I do. I hate not having a plan. I fill like I'm sitting on my hands here. Add into the mix difficult anniversaries... makes for some tough days. I'm trying to keep busy. That helps. What helps more is the prayers so many people are praying for us. Thank you all! Please, please, keep em coming.

Bad blogger

I'm sorry that I've been such a bad blogger. Over the years so much of my identity has become wrapped up in our infertility. So when we aren't actively doing something to increase our chances of expanding our family, I feel like I don't have much worth saying. I know that is not true, but it is how I feel. God has been working on my heart during this quiet time. There are so many things I don't know how to share right now. Maybe it's supposed to be kept to myself, I don't know.

I'm hoping we will be able to do one more frozen embryo transfer. Right now the money just isn't there. I was really hoping our income tax refund would do the trick. Then Mark had to take his car to the shop. Guess who is getting our income tax refund now. I remind myself that this isn't taking God by surprise. If this is something He wants for us to do, He will provide.

In other news, I've taken to digital scrapbooking. I'm really enjoying it. I got the software for my birthday. The cost for printing these books adds up, so now I've also started a couple of projects at the request of other people. I get to create them, and someone else gets to pay for it! At least it's something to occupy my time!

Right now I would ask for continued prayers for God's direction, and if it is His will that we continue treatment, and bring the last of our embies home, that He would provide the finances for it.

Ministry

I've been quiet for awhile. I don't know what to say. It's been a time of grieving and processing. I wish I knew what comes next. I don't. However one beautiful thing is that I've been able to spend some time e-mailing back and forth with a friend of my sister's friend. I have never met her before, but I've been talking her through the embryo adoption process, and all of the emotional aspects involved as well. Talking to her about embryo adoption has been such an amazing help to me. It brings an answer to my "Why?" questions. I've helped bring about more awareness of embryo adoption. This lady knew of the option. She heard about it at our clinic. (Since she is in Idaho, she goes to the same clinic as I.) But she said for the first time, after talking things through with me, she's starting to feel excited about the possibility. I had asked God to use me to minister to others and educate them about embryo adoption. When I was asking, I was sure that I'd be ministering with a baby in my arms. "His ways are not my ways."

All in all, I've gotta say that I'm doing well. I've had my emotional days, but at least this week they haven't been every day. They've spaced out a bit. Thank you all for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. We sure need direction. I wish the spell check worked in this thing!

Continuing to deal

This last week has been a lot of ups and downs. I've asked God lots of questions. I haven't heard many answers yet. But sometimes the answers just aren't for us to know right now. I have no doubt God can use this for His glory. That doesn't make the journey any less painful. It just makes the pain more meaningful.

Friday was my 30th birthday. When we scheduled our transfer, I imagined telling our families of a pregnancy for my birthday, instead I got a very tangible reminder that I was in fact not pregnant. You can use your imagination with that one. OUCH! In Mark's words "Your body sure knows how to treat a lady." I kept it together throughout the day just fine, but at the end of the day, I had to let it break free. While chatting with some dear friends online I did. A sobbing bawling fit. Being 30 and childless was never in my plan. It's hard to let go of our own plans for our lives.

I don't know what is next for us. For now we will sit tight and listen for direction. We can force things to happen, but if it's not God's will, I have no doubt it will bring more pain. The desire of my heart is to give the rest of our embryos a chance at life. I must surrender their lives to God though. They aren't mine. He is the giver of life. He knows their future. We would love your prayers for direction. And I need to shut up and listen for it!

Healing

My tush has begun the healing process, unfortunately I think my heart is a ways behind. For those who have not done intensive fertility treatments. Let me just give you a peek. Over the last month of this process my back side had at least 25 needle in it. In addition to that, I had 7 blood draws. That's a whole lot of needle sticks. Three of the blood draws were this last week. I have some bruising on my arm from this. My back side is a bit more unfortunate. We had a couple of injection issues this week. One was an injection site reaction that was feared to be infection. I had to go to the doctor to be checked out. To make things a little easier I went to my local family doctor. He's such a sweet sweet man. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. Then he asked how I was really doing, emotionally was more his concern. Of course that brought on the water works. This was the day before my beta, but even then I was fearing the worse.

So the healing begins. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. I am a very blessed person. I know this. There aren't many things that I truly want that I don't have. Mark has been asking me for weeks what I want for my birthday. My mom asked me the same question the other day. I don't know what to tell them. There's not an easy (legal) way for either of them to get me a baby. I want to be content with what I have. Great, here comes the tears again. I guess I better go remove the counter on the side of the page now....