And our dog Lady. She is my baby. She's a 50 pound lap dog. She is truly a gift from God. I don't know how I would have made it through these years of longing for a child without her. I Thank God for his blessings!!
Busy weekend! Mark is on-call for work, so we must stay close to home, so we decided to skip the normal family festivities. Part of this was for me. Mother's Day and Father's Day will never again be the same for me. Friday night we took our parents out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day with our dads. We had a nice time together with our parents.
I had thought about it a couple of months ago, but Mark talked me out of it. Much to Mark's upset, I got talked back into it. I'm not so sure why he didn't want me to walk. I had to remind him that he himself benefited from March of Dimes as a premie. I ended up walking. 6.2 Miles is a long way to walk when one isn't prepared to do so! I really didn't think I would make it the whole way, but once I made it 2/3's of the way, I was determined to finish. It was a good feeling to finish, but I'm a bit sore for it! Mark and I both grew up in Assembly of God churches. His parents and mine both attend A/G churches. Mark and I do not. We belong to a church we love called Lighthouse Christian Fellowship. We have nothing against A/G churches, but we just felt led to the church we are a part of. My oldest sister's husband is an Assembly of God pastor. She invited my mom and I to go to women's retreat with her church.
Let me start by saying, I do not have a green thumb. I have one houseplant that has survived for nearly 6 years now, and I'm trying to figure out how! I'm told it's very drought-tolerant! But I am trying! :) We have been in our home for 2 and a half years now. (We moved in 18 -months to the day - from our wedding date. So here is a look around the beauty of spring at our house.
Last year I was given a gift certificate to a local nursery. 
I looked and looked, but couldn't decide on what to choose. Finally I decided on a chinese wisteria. I chose it because of the beautiful flowers pictured on the tag. I was saddened to find out later that it only blooms in spring, and I had already missed it's flowers for the year. Yesterday I was outside pulling weeds, and I looked up to see this beautiful delicate flower. So far it's the only bloom on the vine. I'm hoping for more. I wish I could make this picture a scratch and sniff. The smell of this flower is amazing! I really need to work on something for this Wisteria to climb on!
Our first spring in this home, I kept my niece while my sister was a a retreat. As a thank you gift, she gave me his clematis. It's got some beautiful blooms on it as well. I hope it will grow bigger this year than it has in past years. I need to get myself some miracle grow for this one! There is lattice on op of the fence behind the trellis. I'd love for the clematis to take over the fence!
And here is a glimpse into my "secret garden." I created this last year. It's a work in progress. But there are several things that have come back from last year. I'll take more pictures as more things come into bloom. Part of yesterday's work was to plant the moss between the stepping stones of the garden floor. I chose the moss because it is fast growing. I'm hoping it takes over all the cracks quickly! The floor of the garden is made up of cement stepping stones that are molded to look like stone. When I started the garden, I envisioned a large stone floor that had been broken into many pieces, with ground cover growing in the cracks. I'm getting there.
I'm still waiting on my lilacs to bloom, so you'll have to wait to see pictures of those. The bushes are sure growing though! They were the first thing I planted our first spring in our home. They were planted even before the grass. When we had nothing but a dirt lot with a house in the middle! So more pictures to come as spring continues to progress around us!
4 years ago today, I married my prince charming. It was a beautiful wedding, on a breezy and cool, but still lovely day. I remember it well. Today we celebrated that day. Mark and I both took the afternoon off of work. I made it home before Mark did, so I did a couple of things around the house. I replaced the broken keypad on the keyless opener for the garage. Mark came home and we went to town, did a little bit of shopping. We got Mark a fishing pole and some accessories as his anniversary gift. We then went to lunch together and had fajitas. MMMMM! Our favorite place for fajitas is still Cafe Ole in Boise, but that's 2 hours away. So we decided to try out a mexican restaurant we hadn't eaten at before. It was wonderful. The service was great and the food was very good as well.
After an emotionally tough weekend I think I've survived Mother's Day. It was definitely not without tears. I did have a couple of family members acknowledge our loss, and the difficulty I was having with the holiday. I gave myself a backup (or maybe better put, back out) plan in case I wasn't up to the normal family festivities. I delivered my brother's birthday gift, and my mom's mother's day gift both on Saturday. In the end I decided to go.
Thanks for those that were praying for me. I know that was a huge help in getting me through the day.
I have struggled with Mother's Day a lot over the last few years. This year is different. This year I am blessed to be able to say I AM a mom. I've never been able to say that before. While I'm blessed to be able to say I'm a mom, I'm also still very grieved at the passing of our child. The physical part of my miscarriage is finally over, but the emotional aspect still lingers. That's one thing I think a lot of people don't understand. This wasn't just a pregnancy that didn't work out. We had a baby and it died. I feel like there are some people that don't understand this, and are maybe a bit critical that I am still grieving. I would like to challenge them to hold onto that criticism until they have walked a mile in these shoes.
Wow, have I gotten sidetracked or what? I came to talk about a big step I took today. My birthday was February 1, right in the midst of our treatment cycle. I was so hopeful for this cycle, that when I received a mall gift certificate from my sisters, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to use it for. I was going to save it for the long awaited maternity clothes. I have been saving that gift certificate in the bottom of my purse all these months. Every time I've thought about spending it, that thought was met with a great deal of sadness and anxiety. Today I used it to purchase a new bible. It's an Message/NIV parallel bible. I'm excited about it.
On a side note, I would like to ask for prayer for a blog-friend Ramona and her husband Wade. This mother's day will be particularly hard for them as they just learned yesterday of the loss of 2 more of their precious children to a failed IVF treatment, bringing their total number of children in heaven to 6. I know the pain I feel at the loss of one child, I can't imagine that compounded. Please pray for these dear people.
I had to go back to the doctor's office again today. Just to have the nurse check my blood pressure. Late last week Mark and I went to our favorite store Costco and bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was a whole lot lower at home than it was at the doctor's office for my last appointment. Interesting huh? So I took my monior with me to the doctor's office today. I checked my blood pressure at work in the morning, and it was 127/76. At the doctor's office, as soon as I walked in the door and was standing in line, I felt myself getting anxious. When she checked me, it was 142/87. So either I have a funky monitor, or I'm freaking out at the doctor's office. Which in light of doctor's appointments over the last couple of months, isn't out of the question. I pulled out my monitor and checked, and it was very close to what she got. So I don't have a funky monitor.
Silly blood pressure!
I had an appointment with my general family doctor yesterday. Wow.... how exhausting! Don't ya love it when they make you take your clothes off and sit in a room and wait on them. :) Looking around the room there were all kinds of mommy and me type things. I could feel the tears welling up. When the nurse came in, first of all, there were the apologies. She felt so bad about the congratulations call a couple of weeks ago. When she took my blood pressure it was abnormally high. The nurse left, and I was alone in the room. Being alone with my thoughts is still hard. Left alone with them very long, I lose it. Then the doctor came in. All he could say at first was "Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn." Doctor Irwin is such a nice man. He did the initial exam and then had the nurse, Laurie, come back in for my pap. Normally I'd go to my doctor in Boise for this, but I just didn't want to mess with the travel for just a pap. Dr Irwin said he'd send the results to Dr. Lowder and Dr Foulk in Boise for me.
After my pap was done, they talked with me about the high blood pressure, and of course, the need to lose weight. They they asked how I was doing. All in all, I cried, and they both listened for about 45 minutes. That's a great doctor for ya! Yes, you do have to wait in the waiting room FOREVER there at times, but I guess it makes it better knowing they aren't afraid to spend time on someone who needs it. It was very validating for me. Most people in my day to day life don't know what to say. So they don't say anything. Sometimes I just want to scream. My baby died, and my life changed forever. Life is back to normal for everyone else. I know Mark hurts. He just doesn't say it, or show it.
Ok, enough of the babbling! My current mission is to work on my blood pressure! I want to do another ovulation induction & IUI cycle, but I'm not sure when that's going to happen.
I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't updated in about a month. I've been working on a home improvement project for awhile. My original intent was for dictraction from recent life events. I really threw myself into this project. Giving it every spare minute. I think it really turned out beautifully. We got a screaming good deal on cheap (errrr uhhhh, reasonably priced) ceramic tiles. Then I splurged on the accent tiles. Those really make the design. I designed the layout myself, and Mark and I helped my dad lay the cement board, and then my dad and I did got a good portion of it done while Mark was out of town for work.
Here are before and after pictures as well as some construction pictures.
Ok, this was tooo funny.
It was a nice spring day. I opened the sliding glass door to the back patio. I closed the screen door.
I sat down in my recliner in the living room. The dog was sitting at the foot of my chair.
Something catches my eye.
It's a cat, on the patio, looking in.
(Now you must understand this about my dog, Lady. We have 2 indoor cats. Lady understands that our cats are off limits. But any cat outside of the house is completely fair game. She LOVES chasing them, especially if they run. Now back to our program.)
While still seated in my recliner, I made a hissing noise to scare the cat off.
Cat sees dog.
Dog sees cat.
Cat starts to run.
Dog takes off in dead run.
Dog doesn't see.... or maybe doesn't care? that screen door is in the way.
Silly dog!
I should add, that no kitties (or dogs) were harmed in the making of this photo. I think the screen slowed her down just a split second. Long enough for the kitty to get a bit of a head start. Lady spent the next hour hunting down the scent in the back yard. Now she's just keeping an eye on things. 
(Please excuse the mess in the picture. We are a bit under construction. Yes, the kitchen table is on the counter.... But there will be more pictures of that once it's finished.)
As I mentioned in a future post (yes, I'm backdating this) I've been a bad blogger. I feel almost like if I'm not pregnant or currently in treatment I have nothing to say that anyone cares to read. That's just silly me though I know :) Of course no one is going to read if I post anything! I've probably already lost my few faithful readers with my one month break in posting!
So anyways, here's the update on me. I went ahead and took the misoprostle. I decided not to wait it out. I planned a lovely date with Mark on a Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and got dinner in the crockpot, and a few other easy meals were ready to go. Then I took the pills. I waited for the torture to begin. I waited. And waited. NOTHING happened! GREAT!
So the next Monday (April 2), my hcg was down to 99. At this point, the slow dropping hcg and lack of response to the misoprostle had me very frustrated. I was all ready to ask for a d & c. I decided to wait for one more blood test.
The following Monday (April 9) I got the call that my hcg had dropped to 37! That was a total answer to prayer, because it was a significant drop. So I decided to wait things out a little longer. Before I got that call though, I got a call from my family doctor's office. They called to say they got results from the lab and they wanted to congratulate me on my positive pregnancy test. Wow that call took me by surprise. I got pretty upset at work.
My next blood test was the also on a Monday (April 16). Yipee all the way down to 5! Still bleeding though, and 5 isn't negative yet. It needs to be UNDER 5 to be considered negative. Hopefully one more blood test.
That brings me to the most recent Monday (April 23) I got the call I've been waiting on for weeks. I'm finally in the negative. the hcg was less than 1, and I've FINALLY stopped bleding. After a month and a half, I've finally stopped bleeding! I never thought I'd be so happy with a negative pregnancy test.
I don't know what's next. I guess for now we wait. Wait and pray. I'd love for you to pray with us!
Today's bloodwork results are in. hCG levels are down to 137. That's down from 182 a week and a half ago. Dr L said that it's going down, but not fast enough, he wants repeat bloodwork this after the weekend to see if it's continuing in the right direction, and if not then he wants me to take the misoprostle. I think I might go ahead and take it this weekend anyways. No sense dragging out the inevitable. I'm tired of the bleeding already.
I have a lot more thoughts on this, but I just don't have the energy to compose it into this entry. So for now, in general, I am at peace. I am sad. I have grief, but I am ok. Our baby is safe. He will never see the other side of grace. Grandma Lucy is babysitting. That thought alone brings tears...
We have two cats named Ginger and Maryann that are 5 1/2 years old. They are petite little cats (only about 8-9 pounds each) but they aren't kittens anymore. They have such individual personalities. Maryann has a particular affection for a good blanket. She is particular about her blankets. They need to be a certain texture. Once she finds her blanket- even if it means crawling under other blankets to get to it- she latches on. Yes, she bites onto the blanket, and starts kneeding against whatever is in reach with her paws. The silly cat likes nursing on blankets! When I was roommates with Angie she used to sit with Angie and a good blanket almost every evening. Now most nights she lays down next to Mark. I've read that sometimes kittens that are taken from their mom too soon do this. But both Ginger and Maryann were from the same litter, and came to live with us at the same time, and only Maryann does it. She only does it before she goes to sleep. I think it's just her way of comforting herself, and winding down for the night.
Well, everything is still about the same. Except I have a nasty cold, and I do mean nasty! My nose is chapped from blowing it. I have a fever. I'm coughing. It's yucky! Not to mention the bleeding and a whole list of other ways my body seems to be failing me right now.
I'm feeling pretty run down physically. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. I don't know if it's new hope, or if it's that I'm finally starting to come to terms with this loss. I want very much for a miracle. Can you imagine what a fantastic testimony that would be?? Oh how I would shout that from the rooftops! Ultimately, my prayer is that God's will be done. I want this child to be in my arms, but I know God has a perfect plan for this baby's life. Whether that plan is best served with this child on earth now, or in heaven, is not my choice. I do know that. I've woken up several times with that prayer on my lips. I would ask that you pray for His will with me as well.
Ok, the 2nd opinion today from Dr L is to hold off on the labor inducing medication. If there is still a baby in there, he wants to give it a fighting chance until we are 100% sure, although he agreed it really doesn't look good. He couldn't see anything definate on the ultrasound. He saw a thickened whitish area, where the baby should be if there is still a baby in there, but there was movement there, indicating my body is probably trying to get rid of it. As soon as I got up to Boise, my bleeding picked up again after almost a week of only spotting. Dr L wants additional bloodwork in a week. From that he will determine if he wants to see another ultrasound, or if he will recommend going ahead with the medication to help the miscarriage along.
I feel good about this plan. I just want to be positive. I don't ever want to look back and regret taking action too soon. This doctor has such a gentle bedside manner. Very different from the RE. The RE is very knowledgable. I'm not discounting that at all. They have getting pregnant down to a science. But it's just that, a science. I don't get the feeling from them that this is or was a baby. It's just a pregnancy that isn't going as it should, so let's just scrap it and start over. Where Dr L talked about it like it is a baby. I'm really glad we went up there today.
After yesterdays news, I felt very unsettled. After talking things over with Mark we decided we would like to have a second opinion. I called Dr L, an OB/gyn in Boise, and explained our situation to his nurse. She talked things over with Dr L, and they agreed to see me tomorrow at 11:30.
One leg of our family journey was Embryo Adoption {Embryo Donation}. Pictured above is a day 3 embryo--3 days after conception, as small as the period at the end of a sentence, and it IS LIFE! Because each one is unique, frozen embryos are sometimes called Snowflakes {Snowflakes is the name of an Embryo Adoption program through Nightlight Christian Adoption}, or Frosties. We had seven frosties, frozen at day 3, and donated by one couple, and 6 other frosties from another couple. We have had three separate embryo transfers, with three embryos transferred each time. One transfer resulted in a pregnancy. Unfortunately that baby, that we later named Bella Hope, went to heaven shortly before the end of the first trimester.
