6 years ago today I married the love of my life. It's been quite a ride. We've had ups and downs. The downs have gone low. But through it all I've had an amazing companion. This is not what I had planned for our marriage. I'm sure it's not what Mark had planned either. But I wouldn't trade it. I love my husband. I'm so thankful for every moment I've had with him. We're preparing for a new leg of our journey. I have no idea where it will take us. But I couldn't pick a better person to be on the ride with me.
We started or celebration early this weekend. Friday after work we zipped off to Boise. We went to the Melting Pot fondue restaurant. We had a wonderful dinner. Then we went miniature golfing. Not something we usually do, but fun! I thought for sure I beat him. Turns out we tied. How appropriate. Mark thought so too. He said it's exactly how we compliment each other. On the holes I didn't do so well on, he did great, and when I did well, he not so much. We drove home very late. We got home at 1:30 am. Took a little while to unwind before heading to bed. I didn't sleep in nearly as late as I planned to for such a late night out. We both took a nap Saturday afternoon. Very unusual for Mark. He slept for about an hour. He woke me up after 4 hours! YIKES!! This of course made it a little difficult to get a normal night of sleep Saturday night. I overslept on Sunday. We spent the day together. All in all a wonderful weekend!
Mark, thank you for a wonderful weekend, but even more than that, a wonderful 6 years! I can't wait to see what the future has for us. I love you!
I've had an online friend for several years. We both belong to an infertility forum. I have many friends from this forum. You may wonder how well you can know someone online only. But I have to say I think pretty well. You all have a window into my life that many others don't. But I digress... Back to the current topic at hand. I had the pleasure of meeting this friend Annie at a retreat earlier this month. She's one that has turned coupon into a verb. She's amazing. I dream of being like her. Girl knows how to save money. It's AMAZING!! She was recently featured on her local news. I'd love to share her with you.
I've been absent from the blogging world. If I still have any readers that aren't in my day to day life, last you knew we were awaiting the results of our Frozen Embryo Transfer. It was negative. It was heart breaking. It has been very difficult to grasp. We have exhausted ourselves with medical treatments. I can't say that we are done on that road forever. But I can say we are done for now. This is hard to grasp. It's hard to be "done." Working towards something been a way for me to cope with infertility. I have a hard time sitting still. But I have to accept that 10 human babies have gone from my body into eternity. At some point we have to say enough. When going to an amusement park, there's only so long one can stay on the roller coaster before it's too much.
Today is Mother's Day. I can hardly take Mother's Day anymore. My arms are empty. Empty arms are difficult to live with. It's easy for me to focus on that. The fact is, there are many people that have a hard time with Mother's Day, and it has nothing to do with infertility. Mother's Day is salt in the wounds for someone who has lost their mom. Moms who's children are no longer living, Moms who are estranged from their children, the unmarried woman who hasn't had a chance at having a child-- Mother's Day is hard for all of these people.
Today I join the many across the country who regularly attend church, but make a conscious decision NOT to go today. It's just too painful. Sure I could go and "overcome." But why? What does that prove. So I sit in church and cry my way through, or end up listening from the bathroom so I can hide my tears. Our church has a "Hearth Room" that is very cozy. It has a fireplace, couches and comfy furniture, with a tv to watch the service on. It's also where families with small children hang out to avoid disrupting the service. Somehow I would have a difficult time finding comfort there today. If I managed to sit in the service there's the awkward moment that will be repeated in churches all over the country. The honoring of the moms. "Stand up if you're a mom" Do I sit or do I stand? I AM a mom. In a pro-life church that should be very evident. But it's most often forgotten. So if I stand, and they tell different groups of moms to sit, as they seek out the mom of the oldest child and the mom of the youngest child. Where do I fit in there? The fact is, there is no comfortable place for me to fit. Nearly everyone in my daily life will not understand my decision to stay home today. I guess they don't need to.
I feel guilty that I haven't honored my mom the way I should today. I purchased a gift for my mom and mother in law earlier this week, and we delivered it then. Mark is on call this weekend, so that alone is reason to stay close to home. But I really just wanted to stay home and hide out for Mother's Day. Mark wants to take me out to lunch. But I don't want to go sit in a restaurant filled with Happy families and their children. I'll choose somewhere that does takeout, and we can eat at home, or in a park. In the end, I will be ready for Monday to come this week.
Strangely, I was remembered this Mother's Day not only by just my dear sweet husband, but also by a co-worker that I don't get along with particularly well. She gave me a card on the way out the door on Friday. Very surprising. I guess it's not fair to say that those are the only two that remembered. But those are the only two that made it evident. I think it's hard for other people to know what to say. Anything they say might (and probably would) illicit an emotional reaction. And that is uncomfortable.
Today especially, it's hard not to think about what "would have been." Our little Gabe would have been a year and a half old. I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our precious little Bella. Perfect image of a little family. I really miss our babies today.
Next week Mark and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. That's a long time to be working on a baby and still be childless. I know there are many women out there who have had empty arms longer than that. There are women who have had empty arms for less. But pain is pain. It does not one any good to compare.
Thanks for the reminder Ann! :) It was a long day. I thought about posting last night when we got home. Truth be told, I almost think I did, but obviously I didn't! I'm going to blame the Valium.
I got my first "pink slip" today. It wasn't pink though. I was a little disappointed in that. I always thought it would be pink. My manager is colorblind. Maybe no one told him it should be pink. So as the title says, at least one thing is no longer up in the air. I am in fact losing my job. In today's economy though, I must admit I am fortunate. Very fortunate. I have a job until June 1. That is so much better than all of the people these days who go to work and find out they no longer have a job to go to. I haven't heard the full scope of the job loss throughout our company. I know the projected number was 130 company wide. There were 3 in my office. I really did feel like it was coming. We found out last week that the former owners of our company included a stipulation for us in the purchase and sale agreement. That stipulation was a temporary severance policy. A very generous severance policy. It won't keep us in the clear forever, but it gives me a bit of elbow room in the job hunt.
My manager said this choice had nothing to do with my job performance. For this reason I asked for a letter of recommendation to take with me when I leave. This was a suggestion made by a relative of one of my co-workers. I never would have thought of that. UGH! I haven't updated my resume in nearly a decade. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration. It's only been 8 years. I don't even know where that resume is. I wonder if they still have a copy of that in my personnel file. I'll make a mental not note to ask about that....
In other news, I had an ultrasound lining check last week. Let's just say my body has been less than cooperative lately. My lining was still thick, but I was... uh.... still actively shedding that lining, so the nurse felt confident that I would shed enough over the next 12-24 hours to get me where I needed to be. So they had me delay the beginning of my estridol shots by one day. I just had my second shot tonight. They really aren't that bad.
Everyone has been telling me there is a reason for losing my job, and maybe it's so I can stay home with a baby. OH how I hope so... Anyone know of a good way to get rid of stress?
I went to a ladies praise and prayer night at church. That helped a bit. I stopped crying. But the stress is still sitting in my shoulders.
Some of this is duplication from my prev post... please forgive.
My keyboard is being stubborn. I'll try to catch the typos, but some keys seem to be sticking. Not sure how to safely clean the keyboard of a laptop. OYE! But alas, that is the least of my problems these days.
As I mentioned in the previous post, we are gearing up for another cycle. To say my body isn't cooperating could be an understatement. In order to spare mixed company (like maybe my teenage nephews) the embarrassment, I won't go into details. But lets just say, my body is less than normal, and it's having a hard time getting "back on track" after the d&c in December. I had a water ultrasound on February 13. This was particularly painful. I don't remember feeling that way last time. During this procedure, a catheter is inserted and the uterus is filled with a saline solution while an ultrasound probe is in place. There was some area that wasn't as the doctor hoped to see. He believes it was some "residual debris from recent menses."
After meeting with the doctor, we moved down the hall to line things out with the embryo donor coordinator. We have a total of 7 embryos available. (As a side note-- NO, there is no way I would transfer them all. I don't think my clinic would do that, but even if they would, there's no way I'd agree to it.) We have 4 embryos left from our first donors, and 3 from our second. As of now, our thaw plan is the 3 embryos from our second donors. They are frozen together, so they must all be thawed. If 2-3 of them survive thaw, then that is what we transfer. If 0-1 survive, then they will thaw one "straw" from the first group of embryos. Those are frozen in 2 groups of 2. If 1-2 survive thaw, that is what we transfer. If 0, then they will thaw the final straw. In our previous transfers, we were very fortunate to have every embryo survive thaw. This however is not always the case, so we must be prepared for any outcome. It's very important that our plan is clear, and our wishes known by the embryologist, and clinic staff. I'm currently on birth control pills, with a target transfer date of 3/26. My next appointment is March 5. I'd love your prayers that my body will be cooperating by then, and that we will be on target for a March transfer.
After laying everything out with the coordinator, we went down the hall to meet with the financial coordinator. We've been with this clinic for several years, and we have never met with the financial coordinator.
Another rabbit trail here.... Infertility is EXPENSIVE STUFF! I don't think there is anything inexpensive about infertility. As with anything in the business world, it's supply and demand I guess. The value of something is what someone is willing to pay. And the desire to have a child, for someone who is unable to do so is a strong desire. Anyway- Infertility is most often not covered by insurance. Several years ago I spoke to the president of my company. He was visiting for employee meetings. At the end of the meeting I cornered him, and poured my heart out. I explained to him that in a company that seemed so family oriented, there was something really lacking in our insurance. I told him of our struggle to have a child, and I was saddened that our insurance would pay for birth control pills, tubal ligation, hysterectomy, vasectomy, IUD. Basically they would cover anything short of an elective abortion to prevent me from a having a child. But they would not cover a penny in our efforts to treat our infertility and have a child. He assured me that he would look into that. A few days later I got a call from the HR manager that infertility coverage was "unheard of, at least in our area." So THAT was the end of that!
Back to the financial coordinators. Without infertility treatment coverage in our insurance, every procedure that we have done has been 100% out of pocket. So there was no need to meet with her. Either we had the money to do it, and paid at or before the time of service, or we didn't. End of story. But this time something is different. My company was sold last year to another larger company. And some states mandate infertility insurance coverage. Meaning basically if they offer other services (in some states maternity coverage) they they must also offer some amount of coverage for infertility. My company happens to employ in at least one of the mandated states, so infertility coverage is part of the benefit package!! What a huge PRAISE! This was the reason for meeting with the financial coordinator. I had called ahead to see if the fee structure had changed at all this year. Sadly it had. The donor coordination fee went from $550 to $1000! YIKES! I asked if that was required for each transfer, since there would be no additional matching process or anything. Everything is in place, so this transfer will be no different than a standard FET. She said yes, the fee applied to each transfer. UGH. I knew the insurance probably wouldn't cover that fee, so we'd have to eat it. When we finally got in to meet with her she said she had discussed it with our nurse-coordinator, and they agreed to WAIVE OUR FEE! Another PRAISE! Then she I explained to her that we were on a PPO plan with our insurance, but that because there was no PPO doctors of this specialty in the area (Since this is the only RE in the state) that the insurance said they would probably cover at the PPO rate. So she did her calculations. With the waived fee, and the insurance coverage. She expects we will have to pay about $600-ish, instead of $4000. This doesn't include medication or lab work, but it's a HUGE savings for us. All of this was Friday the 13 of February. What a great day!
Then came Monday... I mentioned before that my company was purchased by another larger company last year. Last Monday we got an email from the President of the utility division (my division) of our company. Due to the integration of our companies, and the recent downturn in the economy there will be layoffs. I have known for months this was a possibility, but still managed to be blindsided by this. They are closing our offices to walk-in traffic. Thus doing away with my position. I haven't been given official word yet, but it is very likely I will lose my job. They will be notifying effected employees Mid-March.
Our initial thought was that we would no longer do the treatment. This was heartbreaking to me. This was already decided to be our last ARTS (assisted reproductive technology) procedure. After the initial shock of things wore off, it may not make total practical sense to try to get pregnant when I'm facing unemployment, but I don't know when it will ever be this affordable for us to try again. So we are going ahead with the plan. IF my body will cooperate. There again, I would appreciate your prayers! If we aren't able to go for a transfer in March, we may have to abandon ship, and give up on this last transfer. The thought of being "done trying" is terrifying to me.
I know God has a plan in all of this, and none of it is a surprise. That seems to be a common thread in my life. From the death of my mom at 3 years old, I know He has had a plan and a purpose for the things that have happened. I just don't understand, or see the purpose at the time. Without the storm there's no rainbow though is there?
I haven't posted for over a month. YIKES! I've said I'm sorry for that too many times, so we'll skip the sorry this time. I've started a few posts, but haven't finished them. So here's my update for now. We are going to try "one more time." At least that's our plan for now. If you're asking "Try what?" you must be new here. We are scheduled for a frozen embryo transfer for the end of March. It was supposed to be 2 weeks earlier, but my cycle didn't cooperate. Everything for a reason, right?
On Friday we had meetings with what seemed like nearly half the staff at our busy fertility clinic. First off we met with the acting embryo donor coordinator at the clinic. This isn't the lady that handled our other transfers, she is just getting back from maternity leave. The acting coordinator is very nice and also very knowledgeable, so I'm in good hands. I think they are actually handling the cycle together. N had a few papers for us to sign. Then we were ushered into an exam room. We've been to the clinic dozens of times. We've only been in that particular room 2 other times. The last time was when Bella was placed in my body. It was sobering thought, and I did feel some element of panic.
Dr F and Nurse M came into the room and did a water ultrasound. Nurse M has been with us through SOOOO many procedures. She's really pulling for us to have our take home baby. During the water ultrasound, a catheter is inserted into the uterus and saline fills the uterine cavity while an ultrasound probe is in place. With this they can verify everything is as it should be inside the uterus. (Picture a deflated balloon, you can't see if anything is in there until you blow it up) There was one area that wasn't what he wanted to see, but he wasn't overly concerned by this. After the water ultrasound, I was given time to get dressed, and Nurse M escorted me to N's office, where there was more paperwork to go through. Nurse M was so sweet. She teared up when she was asking me how things were going since the miscarriage.
Following the consult with N, we stopped at the appointment desk and laid out the rest of the cycle. Then it was the dreaded appointment.... the appointment with the financial coordinator. I was somewhat fearing this. When I started planning for this cycle, I asked if the fee schedule had changed. She told me it had. The coordinator fee went from $550 to $1000! EEEK. I explained to her that we were already matched with our embryos, and were very familiar with the whole process. There should be little else to do outside of a normal FET. She said she would visit with some people and we could sit down and talk about it. During our meeting, she told us they had decided to completely WAIVE the $1000 fee. PRAISE THE LORD! What a huge relief. That paired with the fact that I now have a bit of infertility treatment coverage with our new insurance, this cycle should cost us a FRACTION of what we paid for the two cycles last year.
So here we go. I'm on birth control pills for another couple of weeks, and then the roller coaster starts again....... Stay tuned for the ride.
I took a friends advice and went to see a counselor through my company's EAP, and can I just say... God is good! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, but glad I went. She asked why I was there, and I gave her my story. I didn't say anything about my faith at all. The only hint she may have had from my words to that end was saying something about waiting for a miracle. She told me, "There's a reason you're here today. There's a reason I had an opening so soon when you called. I really feel like that was the Lord. I'm a Christian."
That was such a load off my mind! I really wanted a christian counselor, but since I had 5 sessions through my company's program, I decided to try it out that way first. This was the first counselor on their list, and so I accepted the referral.I really feel like a bit of the load has been lifted. She even teared up a few times in the session. She ended the session hugging me and telling me I had one more person praying for me.
I'm happy to report my physical recovery has gone beautifully. If you'd like to know the details of the D&C procedure, and my experience, I'd be happy to share. If I can not use my experiences to help someone else, then it truly is all in vain. I spent a couple of days taking it easy after the D&C, and took the prescribed pain killers. I was back to work on Friday. I'm all but done bleeding. Truthfully, I had only a small amount of spotting for the days following the procedure. I got through today with very little discomfort, and no medication at all.
On the emotional front I think the D&C helped as well. It gave a measure of immediate closure. It didn't solve everything. I'm not "better." I don't know what "better" is. As with our last loss, I expect to eventually find a new type of normal. Little Bella Hope forever changed the shape of my heart, just as Gabe did. I am still having daily emotional melt downs. I know they will eventually spread out a bit. Yesterday it was caused by nausea. I was sitting in my recliner and felt nauseous. I had very little morning sickness in my pregnancy. I was very fortunate, but I was also thankful when I felt nausea. It was a reminder to me that I had a miracle growing inside me. Yesterday it made me mad. I was no longer thankful, because it was a reminder that our miracle was gone. Today I cried in church. Praise and worship time in church seems to be a time of heightened emotions for me. Today was no different.
I want a baby. That desire has not left. But I'm terrified to try again. I know I am in the thick of grief, but I don't know if I can do this another time. I don't think I will rest easy in a pregnancy ever again. Time will tell.
With the D&C, we didn't opt for genetic testing. I had hoped they would be able to test the remains only to find out the gender. They couldn't do this without full chromosome analysis. I really felt that was unnecessary, and would probably reveal more questions than answers. So we will have no medical confirmation of gender.
I told Mark early on that I thought this baby was a girl. This is all we have to work with, so that's what we're going with . I don't want to forever refer to the baby as "it" or "him/her." So we needed a name. She was a person. I know not everyone names their lost children. This is just one thing I need for my healing.
When I thought about a name, I immediately thought of "beautiful." We needed something that means beautiful. That last ultrasound picture was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. The name we settled on is Bella Hope.
Little Bella,
You were beautiful and perfect in every way. With you we felt a hope that we haven't had for a long time, and we only pray we can have again someday. Please hug and kiss Grandma Lucy, Gabe, and all of your other brothers and sisters. You have forever changed the shape of our hearts. We love you and miss you like crazy.
We arrived home several hours ago, but I had to sleep off some pain meds. I didn't talk to the doctor after the procedure, but Mark did. Everything went well.
We got to the hospital, signed the paperwork, had some blood drawn, the nurse drawing my blood said some stupid things without knowing why I was there. I ended up crying. Then it was off to Pre-Op. They knew why I was there, so they were much more sensitive. They took my vitals, and did more paperwork, and then I got all dressed up in my gown, and my IV inserted. I got to lay covered in piles of warmed blankets for awhile before they wheeled me into the operating room. There, they opened my gown and the tear away sleeves, stuck sensors around my body, the anesthesia provider was up by my head and said something that I don't even remember, and poof! I woke up in recovery. So far, my hand hurts the most where the IV was, so I'm going to count myself lucky! The highlight of my day was probably hearing the lullaby played over the hospital PA system announcing a birth, as I was wheeled out to the car. Oh the irony!
Physically, I think I'm doing very well. Emotionally I'm holding up pretty good right now as well. That isn't to say there are no struggles. I have tears, but not as bad as I have in recent days. I'm so far very glad I opted for the D&C over a natural miscarriage. I think this will allow me to get on with the healing, both physically and emotionally. I'm off work for the next 2 days. I will return to work on Friday.
A special thank you to those who have been praying for us during this season. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you for bearing our burdens along with us. My most recent dose of pain meds is kicking in, so I should stop writing before I embarrass myself, if I haven't already!
It's been over a week since we learned our baby was gone. I immediately stopped taking my progesterone and estrogen. The only way we knew the baby was gone was the ultrasound at my first OB appointment. My body gave no indication anything was wrong. In fact with she did the physical exam, everything seemed to be right on. I hadn't had any bleeding for 2 and a half weeks, nothing since several days before the ultrasound that we saw that beautiful beating heart.
I've still had all of my pregnancy symptoms. I woke this morning very early, about 3:30 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I was tired, but my mind wouldn't shut off. I got up and spent some time on my computer. I posted a message on a forum asking questions about what to expect with a D&C, because for some reason my body hasn't gotten the memo. I went back to sleep at about 7:30 am. Wouldn't you know it, someone sent the memo while I slept. I woke up and had been bleeding a bit. Probably TMI I know, but I'm too emotionally drained to really care.
I seriously doubt my body will pick up the pace enough in the next day or so to resolve this before the D&C. I don't HAVE to do the D&C, but I'm hoping the procedure will resolve things more quickly. One of my nurses warned that a natural miscarriage at this point could be quite painful, but I've heard others say that they miscarried at this same stage of development, and it was a heavy period. I know the contractions I had when I finally completed the miscarriage last time were NOTHING like menstrual cramps, and I had much less to pass that time.
I know the physical discomfort will be very temporary, whichever way this is completed. I'm just concerned about dragging the process on. I know every experience was different. But with my last experience, I started spotting at about 5 weeks, and it picked up later that week. The baby was confirmed gone at 6 weeks. I continued bleeding for another 5 weeks. I took a week off of work when we first learned the baby was gone. Thinking it would happen quickly. As it happened, I ended up having strong contractions one day at work. We were short handed, and there was no way I could leave. I just got to endure, and come home and take a pain pill and go to sleep. The following Monday my hcg level was back to zero. I don't want the long drawn out process again. This is why I'm opting for a D&C. I guess maybe it's my way of taking some control of the situation.
In the next couple of days, as I know more I'll give you an overview of the procedure itself. Christmas morning was horrible this year, but that too is a story for another day. A truly heartfelt thank you to those of you who have sent your well wishes and prayers. They mean the world.
This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:
I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you
Our baby is gone. It seems my body is not meant for life. I am a tomb. I'm emotional right now, crying at the drop of a hat, but at the same time I feel nothing. I'm numb.
I had my first OB appointment today. Went through the pap, and physical exam, pee'd in a cup, gave them all the explanations on EA, previous infertility and miscarriage experience, etc. Then they called to see if there was still an ultrasound tech. There was, she tried an abdominal u/s, but couldn't get a good enough look, so I emptied my bladder and we went for the magic wand. I could see right away there was no heartbeat. But she kept working away, so I thought maybe I was missing something. She clicked away at her machine for what seemed like 5 minutes, before I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said I'm still looking, but I haven't been able to get it yet. I had also seen some of her measurements on the screen say 9w1d, and I should be at 10w3d. So baby has probably been gone a week. She then went to get a doctor to confirm.They gave me the choices as to what to do next.
I'm going to wait till after Christmas, and hope something happens on it's own before then. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping as of yet. I will stop my meds today. I have another appointment on Dec 29 to double check and make sure I don't have a miracle (his words- he's been wrong before, he doesn't think he's wrong this time, but we can wait and see) and if it is confirmed gone at that point, they will schedule a d&c for the next day. I know I'm early enough, and the baby is small enough that I should be fine to m/c natural, but I had such a bad experience last time. I'd rather get it over with, and not drag it out another month, and labor at work like last time.
Well, as anticipated, I didn't ever get around to pulling out the scanner and hooking it up over the weekend. But I did scan them this morning at work. Here they are. Little one is upside down, so use your imagination.
Baby measured 18 mm from head to bum, and had a heart rate of 176 bpm. The last picture is the best :) You can even see the little leg sticking out in the top of the black circle. The heartbeat was an amazing thing to see.
We had a wonderful appointment today with our RE. We saw the baby as soon as he stuck in the magic wand (ultrasound probe). He didn't have to point it out to me, I KNEW, and I saw the heartbeat right away. That is really what I was hoping for. Baby Bean measured 8w0d, and we are 8w3d, so a little small, but nothing to worry about. He said everything looked perfect, well attached. Heart rate was 176 b/m. He pointed out a little arm and a little leg. He gave me a weaning schedule for my meds. If I can bring myself to pull out the scanner this weekend, I'll post the u/s pictures. If not, I'll scan them Monday at work.
I'm now released from the RE, to go to a regular OB/GYN!! This is totally uncharted territory for us.
I say all of this with excitement, and at the same time my heart is heavy for the ladies I know and love with arms that long to be filled. We have been on this road for a long time, and I know ladies who have been on it longer. But duration doesn't determine the pain. Infertility hurts. Period. While this blog may be changing in it's content, the pain of infertility is still there, lingering in the background. I'm sad that I have friends who will no longer feel comfortable visiting here as often as they used to, because of the sting. I know you are happy for me, but that it hurts your heart. That's OK. I understand well. I don't even know for sure who I'm talking to, but you do, and so does God, so I will be praying.
One leg of our family journey was Embryo Adoption {Embryo Donation}. Pictured above is a day 3 embryo--3 days after conception, as small as the period at the end of a sentence, and it IS LIFE! Because each one is unique, frozen embryos are sometimes called Snowflakes {Snowflakes is the name of an Embryo Adoption program through Nightlight Christian Adoption}, or Frosties. We had seven frosties, frozen at day 3, and donated by one couple, and 6 other frosties from another couple. We have had three separate embryo transfers, with three embryos transferred each time. One transfer resulted in a pregnancy. Unfortunately that baby, that we later named Bella Hope, went to heaven shortly before the end of the first trimester.
