Woooohooo! Last shot done

Yep, that's in. I just took a shot called hCG. That hormone is very similar to LH, the hormone the body naturally releases to signal the follicle to rupture and release the egg. hCG is also the same hormone that is released during pregnancy. It's exactly what a home pregnancy test is testing for. Soooooo, if I took a pregnancy test tomorrow it would be positive. It would be a false positive, but a positive. :) I've talked a lot this week about follicles. So here is the progression of a follicle in the ovary. Just so you have a little picture to go from.

On Sunday morning at 10:15 am, we will be at our clinic in Boise for a procedure called IUI. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. An IUI is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

The whole process doesn't take very long — it usually only requires the insertion of a speculum and then the catheter, a process that maybe takes a couple of minutes (60-90 seconds to introduce the catheter, then sperm injection, and another 60 seconds or so to remove the catheter. Most doctors have their patients lay down on the table for 15-30 minutes after the procedure.

Here we go!

I'm excited. Yet scared to be excited? How does that work? I had another follicle check ultrasound today. It was an early morning: 4:45 AM wakeup, 5:45 AM leave the house, and drive drive drive. My appointment was 8:15 AM, and I was a little early.

Ultrasound was BEAUTIFUL!! At least in my mind it was. I had one 17mm follicle on one side, and one 16.5 mm follicle on the other side. There should have been one more large one. I'm not sure where it went. But the rest are still small enough to not be of concern. I would have felt better about 2 good follicles on the right side, but I'll take what I can get. :)

So as of today my instructions were, OPK today and tomorrow. If I get a positive, call the clinic and reschedule IUI for the next day. If I don't have a positive OPK by tomorrow, then tomorrow night I will have Mark give me an hCG shot in the bum, and we will have the IUI Sunday morning! SUNDAY MORNING!!! It's already scheduled! How cool is that?

Thank you to those who have been praying. I know your prayers were heard!

Nothing more to do now, but wait. Wait and Pray!

What a mess!

Here's some background to the mess. Our insurance covers nothing for the treatment of infertility. Most policies don't. I never knew! So in order to save a buck wherever possible, our clinic is helping us get the medications from a phamacy out of state. It's a slight inconvenience, but well worth the savings.

So on Monday when I went to the doctor, they told me I'd need to get more medication than originally prescribed. So I called the pharmacy, paid for it over the phone, and he said he'd get it in the mail priority and I should have it the next day (yesterday). That was just perfect. Well... it WOULD have been perfect. Accept it didn't arrive with yesterday's mail. So I was in a bit of a panic. I was supposed to give myself the shot at 9:00 am this morning. I tried to call the dr's office, but couldnt get through to anyone. Apparently they were very busy! So I gave up, and scheduled a late lunch, so I could hopefully be home when the mail was delivered. I also called around and found another pharmacy in town that had what I needed in stock. Lots more than I wanted to pay, but it was a plan B.

In the end, the mailman came just as I was leaving to head back to work. So I grabbed the package and rushed back to work, and straight into the bathroom to give myself the shot. 4 hours later than I should have! OYE! OK, so not a mess, but still stressful for me!

In other news, Ovulation Prediction Kit (OPK) #1 was yesterday. It was negative, I'm not surprised. OPK #2 today was also negative. Once again, no surprise. I won't be surprised if I don't see one at all. But that's ok, my body has failed me on so many fronts, I have medication standing by to do the job! :) And I do mean I have the medication standing by, it's in a box on my kitchen counter, ready and waiting!

I have another follicle exam tomorrow, to check for mature follicles and the number of follicles. Please pray for the perfect number of follicles!

Lots of info from todays appointment

Today is the 9th day of my cycle (also known ad CD9) and I had a doctor's appointment, and there is lots of information from that appointment.

First thing, my cycle day 3 (CD3) bloodwork showed elevated follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). I was thinking that would be a good thing, but apparently it is not. It was 8.5, and they would like to see between 4-6. This can indicate poor ovarian reserve. If you want more information on this test and results, you can go here: http://www.advancedfertility.com/day3fsh.htm to learn more.

Second, the follicles. On the right I had 1- 10mm, 4- 8mm's and 2- 7mm's. On the left I had 1- 11mm and 1-10mm. They prefer to see 2- 18mm's before giving me a shot to trigger the release of the eggs. The lining of my uterus was between 4-5, and they want to see 8, but that number isn't of much concern yet because as the follicles mature, estrogen is released that helps develop the lining, that hopefully a baby or two will snuggle into.

Last month I had a dye test done to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear. We can make all the eggs in the world, but it won't do me much good if the tubes are blocked. That test is called an HSG and it showed a blocked left tube. So I was very thrown when the nurse said what we are hoping to see is is the 10mm & 11mm on the left, and the 10mm on the right mature. I reminded her that my left tube was blocked. She said there is a 10% chance that an egg released by one ovary can be picked up by the other tube. I had never heard that. So for now, the plan is to continue injections Tuesday & Wednesday and have another follicle check ultrasound Thursday morning. They said normal follicle growth is 2mm per day, so we should hopefully have something close by Thursday. I'm just praying those smaller follicles stay put and don't grow. I don't want too many.

The other thing they talked to me about was another not really infertility related test I had done. My 1st mom died when I was 3 (and she was 25) of ovarian cancer. So with my initial consult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), I was concerned about the ovulation inducing drugs, and further increasing my already increased risk for ovarian cancer. So the RE said why not find out if I carry the gene mutation for the elevated risk of ovarian cancer. So I had the blood work done the end of December when I had the HSG. There were a lot of questions about which blood test I was to have done etc. Anyway, I called the next week and got the results. The test showed negative for the particular gene marker they were testing for. So today, the nurse tells me the hospital lab did the wrong test!! (Gotta love the local hospital, they are known as "Tragic Valley" Regional Medical Center, instead of "Magic Valley") So, you might think, just get the right test done. IT'S $3000!!!! and most often not covered by insurance, so they want cash in hand or a written preauth for them to ORDER THE KIT to do it! The nurse didn't find this out from MY hospital though, she had to call around somewhere else! SHEESH! So I'm not sure what cancer marker I'm negative for, but at least I'm negative for something.

Other than that, I'm feeling more side effects today. My emotions are very close to the surface. I teared up at work a bit this afteroon when the boss asked to speak to me about something. I've had terrible headaches, and a few more hot-flashes. Other than that, all is well :)

So, prayer request, please pray for the perfect number of follicles to mature at the perfect time, and the other follicles not to grow anymore!

Appointment tomorrow

I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound follicle exam. They will use a vaginal ultrasound to look at my ovaries and see if there are any follicles beginning to develop. I'm praying for something on the right side, because my left tube is blocked.

Out of the 5 cycles of clomid we did in 2005, I ovulated 4 times. Of the 4 times I ovulated, 3 of them were on the left side. Now that I know that tube is blocked, that could be some of the answers we have been looking for, so we're aiming for follies on the right!

I feel bad for all of the work I will be missing to go to the doctor. I know it causes great inconvenience for everyone else. I wish there was a different answer for me, but I just don't see another way right now. Mark and I went to my office this evening. Mark did some reading and kept me company while I posted payments made by people in the overnight drop box. This will hopefully ease the burden a bit in the morning, and my goal is to be back at work before noon. I wish the doctor was closer, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Other than that, I have a raging headache. I think I'm going to get ready for bed. I have an early morning tomorrow. I'm planning on getting on the road at about 6:30. And yes, for me that REALLY IS early!

All the worry for THAT!

As you may have noticed, I've been a little fearful of the injections with my current treatment protocol. This morning I woke at 6 am. For those who don't know me well this is SOOOOO far from ordinary for me. I don't wake that early on workdays when I have to leave for work at 7:40 am. I get up more like.... 6:45-7:00, and I don't know if "get up" is even the right term for it, probably more like "drag myself out of bed." Weekends... weekends are for sleeping in! I usually aim more for 9-10 am on the weekends. But this morning was different. I knew I had to give myself the first of the injections. I get nervous now just thinking about it.

Wanna see what all the worry was about?? (Excuse the freshly showered, no makeup messy haired me!) I felt so silly. I looked at it. Got it ready. Read my instructions. Picked it up again. Called for Mark to come in to the kitchen. Set it down again. Mark came to the kitchen and asked if he really had to watch. I didn't make him. He did stand behind me, and I asked him to count to 3, and when he counted to 3, I jabbed it in, and DIDN'T FEEL A THING!! Oh I felt silly. But I think Mark will have to count again tomorrow. I know I know, I'm silly!

Here it is a little closer since ya can't really see the needle (it's that tiny). I tried to label the picture, but now I can't read it. It says 1/2 inch needle.

As for the rest of the day. Mark went for a drive with his dad and brother to look at tractors, and I did some shopping. I was a glutton for punishment and ended up in the baby sections of various stores. It started as excited anticipation, then it quickly became too much for me. Some days it doesn't pay to be alone with my thoughts. I called my mom and invited myself over. We ended up doing some shopping at Walmart, then had lunch at Pizza hut.

While we were at pizza hut, she told me about a possible adoption opportunity one of her clients told her about. It's very much a long shot. I've talked to Mark about it. It's definitely something we're open to, but certainly not something I'm going to get my hopes up for at this point in time. So for now we will pray for this baby, and for God's will in the situation. He will have to orchestrate it start to finish.

After lunch I helped Mom with a little cleaning and then she cut my hair. Then I came home to spend the evening with my husband. I tried to go to bed, and decided I had a bit to blog about tonight, so I got back up and here I am. Although it is late, and really time to be getting ready for bed. Especially if I'm going to wake myself up at 6:00 am tomorrow again! :)

Oh! And only 2 hot flashes today. Have I mentioned how much I love clomid?

Clomid Crazies again, and other random thoughts

I haven't posted as much this week as I did last. It's been a bit of a busy week. VERY busy at work, and then Wednesday night we had a birthday party for my sister in law Roxey, my niece Elyssa, and myself. Then Thursday night I had birthday dinner with Mark. Tonight I'm just plain pooped!

Today was my last dose of clomid. I've done quite well all week as far as side effects go. Tonight I'm feeling it a bit though. I'm having a hot flash as I type. And I've been "on edge" since I got home. Mark seems a bit afraid of me right now.

On a very frightening note, I start injections tomorrow! I'll let ya know how THAT goes! At least it's a little needle. I called the doctors office today and left a message for a nurse to walk me through everything. They called me while I was at work, so I slipped away to another phone away from my desk, and she talked me through things. "Below your belly button, above your pubic bone, take a pinch of that roll we all have, and poke the needle in at a 90 degree angle, then slowly inject the medication." EEEEEEWWWWW! I hate needles. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I know I need to, so here goes!!

Cycle Day 2 down

As far as treatment goes, today I: began the clomid, 2 pills in the morning; went to the hospital and had blood drawn to check for various hormone levels; and called to schedule next week's first ultrasound. I feel bad about how much I will have to be gone from work for this. It's such a huge investment of money, emotions, time and energy. It's all such a big gamble. My spirits are up today. I feel a little anxious, but still all in all positive. Prayers are appreciated!!

PS If anyone reads this, you should be proud of how many times I've updated this in the last week! If I keep this up, maybe it will become a habit!

The Twins

The Twins -

Here is the picture I mentioned a few days ago. I found it in a box of pictures. I would guess it is.... 12-13 years old. Crazy to think! It's from my child development class in high school. The quality is not so great, but you get the idea. For some reason I chose to have twin egg babies. I had forgotten about it until I ran across the picture. My mom is often joking about me having twins. I'd love to have twins.

Just thought I'd share the picture.

Game On!

Ok, here we are, day 1 of the cycle. Some of you will know what that means, and some won't. Either way, the cycle begins. Tomorrow I will call the RE's office (RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist which= specialist) to schedule my first exam. My meds have already been ordered, and arrived at my house. They are in a box next to my recliner. In addition to calling the RE's office tomorrow I will start taking the clomid..... oh how I don't like clomid. But it's seems to be a necessary evil in my life. I'm going to have to pull out my paperwork as well so I can find out what day I have to have bloodwork. That might be tomorrow as well. OH so much to keep track of.

Thank you for those of you who are praying.

Anxiety

Anxiety!

Ugh, I’m starting to feel it; the anxiety. Reading through my blog entries from a couple of years ago when we first started treatment, it all came back to me, the flood of emotions, the innocent belief. So much of that innocence is lost. I was so naïve entering treatment. I thought clomid was the magic pill that was going to make all the pain go away and bring me my long desired baby. I was devastated when that didn’t work. The first morning that it was evident to me it had not worked. I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. I laid there and cried. Even though that was nearly 2 years ago, the emotions are still there, still so raw. Despite those raw emotions, I’ve found myself getting my hopes up. This upcoming cycle of treatment is a lot of time, money, and emotional investment. It’s going to take several trips to Boise. Right now I’m guessing about 4. As far as the money goes, I’m not sure we will be able to afford more than one cycle for awhile. All of this brings about anxiety. I want so badly for this to work. I hope, I want to hope, I’m scared to hope. UGH! I think much of this anxiety is hormone driven! Welcome to my world… Aren’t you glad you don’t have to spend too much time in my mind??

I love the IDEA of blogging...

Ok, so I love the IDEA of blogging. I just don't know why I can't get myself to do it. Maybe I don't think I have much to say. We've been on this journey of trying to expand our family for so long, I feel like I'm just chasing my tail. Now I say so long, but through this journey, I've met so many people who've been on the trail a lot longer than we have. This spring, Mark and I will celebrate our 4th anniversary. We started trying to have a child not long after we were married. It's strange to see people who are on their 2nd or 3rd child in the amount of time we have been trying to have one! This isn't how I pictured things, but I must hold onto the belief that God has a plan for our lives... It doesn't make the journey easier though.

With all of that said, we're getting ready to start trying with medical intervention again. We've never stopped trying to have a baby, but we stopped medical treatment in October 2005. We're keeping the upcoming treatments hush hush for right now. This isn't necessarily to keep things from our friends and family as much as it is to perserve some sense of privacy. So for those of you who read this, now or someday down the road, know that us being quiet about this isn't to hurt you. Just think of it this way, how many children, other than your own, do you get to know the intimate details of their conception? Not many at all. We have been forced to give up the privacy of our bedroom and involve various doctors and nurses in the process of trying to conceive a child. I'm just claiming privacy in areas I do have control of. I need SOMETHING in all of this to be on my terms.

So if I want my privacy, why am I writing about it here? I have no idea. This is hard stuff to keep to myself. I think it could eat me alive if I let it. So if you're one of the few that finds this now while we're starting these treatments, we would greatly appreciate your prayers. Advise not so much... prayers definately! Everyone has an opinion on all of this. Mark and I have to just pray and make these decisions based on what we feel is right. I guess I have a very delicate line between needing privacy, and needing support. I'm just trying to find that balance.

Hopefully our treatment cycle will begin very soon. I'm waiting on some medication to jumpstart my system, and then throughout the month I will be a cross between a pin-cushin and a medicine cabinet! I'm very excited and yet very scared. I woud LOVE LOVE LOVE to be blessed with twins. If I could have 2 children, I think I could be content. I guess I've wanted twins longer than I thought. I recently found a picture from high school. During a child development class I took in high school, we had to carry around egg babies for a week. I chose twins! Mark and I have started joking around about "the twins. And NO! He is not referring to any part of my anatomy!

Call me inconsistent?

Well, the last couple of weeks have been filled with cleaning and packing and planning, and here we are. We're at DISNEYLAND! So exciting to me. Yesterday was a very long day. We stayed Friday night at a hotel in Boise, then Mark's sister Kayla took us to the airport. I didn't read the itenerary very well, and we had 2 stops, not just one. :( So that meant our flight here was 3 legs of a little under an hour each. Not bad, but it made for a very long day. Then when we started to get settled in our hotel room, Mark noticed he didn't have his cellphone anymore. He had remembered using it in the shuttle. Soooooo, by the grace of God, I remembered the shuttle number of our driver. I have no idea why I did, but I was able to call the phone number to the shuttle company. To make a long story a little less long, the shuttle driver drove back here and dropped off Marks phone. We gave him a fairly generous tip. (3 times the tip we gave him when he dropped us off) for bringing the phone back to us.

We checked out Disneyland a little bit last night. We didn't ride any rides, but we did eat some food :) It was a definate learning experience for us! We didn't stay for the fireworks or the parade last night. We decided to come back and go to bed early. I'm going to take the video camera in with me tonight. We're in no hurry this morning. We're going to go to breakfast and make our plan of attack for what we want to do and see.

Because of our limited time here this trip, we're just planning on going to the Disney Theme parks, but not wearing ourselves out completely.

I should be back later to post pictures.

VACATION!!!

Well, Mark found out roughly how much his comission will be next week, and we've decided to take a vacation. I'm so excited. I've been online all evening trying to find the best deal on a package. I'm such a poor decision maker. We both got some time off, so our vacation is going to happen quickly, just a little over 2 weeks from now! :) Off to do bible study now though.

Long time no see (random ramblings)

OK..... I initially created this blog to document the journey of our family. Right now that family consists of Mark and I. Little did I know at the time I started the blog how difficult that journey would be for me. So in the 13 months since my last post in the blog, I have experienced a lot of highs and lows. 5 rounds of a nasty little pill called Clomid, upwards of a couple thousand in medical bills, a BIG FAT insurance company denial, starting to decorate a nursery, and then packing it all back up again. I entered into the treatment cycles with a very naive outlook. We waited quite awhile to begin treatment, so once we started, I thought that would do the trick. That would be the end of the journey to our expanded family. It wasn't. The day I first knew our first cycle didn't work, I was devistated. Ups and downs, ups and downs for several months. Our final cycle last year was in September. I just knew it would work. That cycle, in addition to the nasty clomid, we used a procedure called IUI, where the prepared sperm are injected directly into the uterus, so the swimmers have a shorter distance to travel, and fewer obstacles to overcome. Dr L was so great, he got everything all lined up and in place, and then allowed Mark to do the injection, so that if it worked, Mark would be able to say HE got me pregnant, not the doctor. This happened to fall on the same day as my birthmom's birthday. I dreamed of conceiving a little girl that I could name after my first mom. Unfortunately that cycle was also unsuccessful. Once again I was devistated.

Several factors lead us to put further treatment on hold. The biggest were cost, and Marks desire for a break. The cost for our September cycle was right around $950 for doctor bills and medications, plus another couple hundred for travel expenses and hotel. We go to a doctor about 2 hours away. It was not until after that cycle that we found out our insurance didn't cover ANYTHING relating to infertility. So all at once we got that bill, plus a reversal of all of their other payments for the other 4 cycles! BIG BILL. Praise the LORD though, it's paid for now!

Through this break in the last 6 months I have felt like I have come to a more stable place. Part of that though, I would guess was through the building of emotional walls. I still long ot be a mom more than anything on this earth.

3 weeks ago I had LASIK surgery on my eyes. What an experience that was. I am so happy to report that I now have 20/20 vision, corrected from 20/200. Part of the warranty for that surgery requires that I wait for 3 months to get pregnant.

At this point, I'm not positive about when we will resume treatment. I'm ready now, but I'm not sure when Mark will be ready, and more importantly, I'm not sure what GOD would have us to do. I do believe that our path down the treatment road isn't going to be much longer. How that path will end, I have no idea.

About a week ago I was thinking about a dear friend who is experiencing a pregnancy after loss. Her past losses have made her understandably fearful. But because of that fear, she hasn't been able to enjoy much of her pregnancy. As I was thinking on that the thought came to me, SHE IS A MOM. Right now, at this moment, and no matter what happens in the future, she is a mom. What if I can never say that? What if I can never say I am a mom? That night, I was blessed with the most precious of dreams. I dreamt that I had a baby. When I woke up, I was so full of joy. I knew that it was just a dream, but I was a mom! That joy lasted for several days. I haven't been able to really share this with anyone yet. I can't really even explain why. I just can vocalized it yet. In thinking about this dream, I've really felt like God was speaking to me, and the dream was a gift. I feel like God is calling me to a season of preparation. For what I'm not sure of yet, I guess only time will tell.

I had a big one!

Does that title sound wrong or what? We left yesterday and went to Boise to stay overnight, because I had an 8:00 appointment at the Doctor's office. I had an ultrasound. One ovary looked just like it did last month, and the other ovary had the same little follicles, and one great BIG follicle. The doctor was very pleased with that. He gave us some options, and we chose to have me take a shot to ensure the follicle ruptures to release the egg. (The rupturing is a normal part of a woman's cycle, it's not scary like it sounds!) So now we wait.... It will be about 2 weeks, give or take a few days, before we know anything else. I'm really praying for this one. If it works, the baby will be do December 1.

Awwwww

As we were leaving Walmart yesterday, there was a very cute little Pooh umbrella stroller. It was only $13 and we couldn't resist! So we bought it. Tonight Mark and I were watching TV, and he saw the stroller in the corner. He turned to me and said, "Honey, I want a baby. Do we really have to wait 9 months, or is there a fast button?" It was just so touching to me. We decided we were ready to have kids a year and a half ago, but I think that was more at my desire than his. He has said he was ready, but never that it was really what he wanted. It just warms my heart! I really want this to work!!! Have I said that yet? We have a folicle check at the doctors office on Monday morning. So we'll go to Boise Sunday evening so we can be there for the appointment at 8:00 am.

Planning Ahead??

Well, I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure. We went to Wal-mart tonight and put a couple of things on lay-away. Namely a very, very cute Pooh playpen and a stroller/carseat/carrier combo. They had a matching swing and high chair too. But I decided we didn't need $375 in lay-away. We have 2 months to get it off of lay-away, and it is no risk, so we can get our money back. They were just on sale, so we decided to jump on it. This excites me and scares me all at once. I really want this first cycle of clomid to do the trick...

Emotional Afternoon

My mom came to visit me this afternoon at work. She told me that my sister mentioned to her that my new doctor wanted to know what type of ovarian cancer my mom died of. She then told me what hospital to call to see if they still had records. It happened to be the same building that I'm going to, to see my new doctor. It was such a flood of emotions as I sat on hold with them thinking that I'm going to the same place for infertility treatments that my mom went to for cancer treatments. I lost it at work. I HATE THAT!

Clomid Crazies have set in.

Since our first appointment I was feeling very optomistic. I haven't cried since before that appointment. (I was a bit out of control before then.)

Now tonight the crazies set in. I started crying out of the blue. No real reason. Just part of the roller coaster I guess. The folicle check ultrasound is in 6 days. We should have a little bit of a better picture then.

There has to be a balance between crying for no reason, and having my hopes up too far.

UGH!