Long time no see (random ramblings)

OK..... I initially created this blog to document the journey of our family. Right now that family consists of Mark and I. Little did I know at the time I started the blog how difficult that journey would be for me. So in the 13 months since my last post in the blog, I have experienced a lot of highs and lows. 5 rounds of a nasty little pill called Clomid, upwards of a couple thousand in medical bills, a BIG FAT insurance company denial, starting to decorate a nursery, and then packing it all back up again. I entered into the treatment cycles with a very naive outlook. We waited quite awhile to begin treatment, so once we started, I thought that would do the trick. That would be the end of the journey to our expanded family. It wasn't. The day I first knew our first cycle didn't work, I was devistated. Ups and downs, ups and downs for several months. Our final cycle last year was in September. I just knew it would work. That cycle, in addition to the nasty clomid, we used a procedure called IUI, where the prepared sperm are injected directly into the uterus, so the swimmers have a shorter distance to travel, and fewer obstacles to overcome. Dr L was so great, he got everything all lined up and in place, and then allowed Mark to do the injection, so that if it worked, Mark would be able to say HE got me pregnant, not the doctor. This happened to fall on the same day as my birthmom's birthday. I dreamed of conceiving a little girl that I could name after my first mom. Unfortunately that cycle was also unsuccessful. Once again I was devistated.

Several factors lead us to put further treatment on hold. The biggest were cost, and Marks desire for a break. The cost for our September cycle was right around $950 for doctor bills and medications, plus another couple hundred for travel expenses and hotel. We go to a doctor about 2 hours away. It was not until after that cycle that we found out our insurance didn't cover ANYTHING relating to infertility. So all at once we got that bill, plus a reversal of all of their other payments for the other 4 cycles! BIG BILL. Praise the LORD though, it's paid for now!

Through this break in the last 6 months I have felt like I have come to a more stable place. Part of that though, I would guess was through the building of emotional walls. I still long ot be a mom more than anything on this earth.

3 weeks ago I had LASIK surgery on my eyes. What an experience that was. I am so happy to report that I now have 20/20 vision, corrected from 20/200. Part of the warranty for that surgery requires that I wait for 3 months to get pregnant.

At this point, I'm not positive about when we will resume treatment. I'm ready now, but I'm not sure when Mark will be ready, and more importantly, I'm not sure what GOD would have us to do. I do believe that our path down the treatment road isn't going to be much longer. How that path will end, I have no idea.

About a week ago I was thinking about a dear friend who is experiencing a pregnancy after loss. Her past losses have made her understandably fearful. But because of that fear, she hasn't been able to enjoy much of her pregnancy. As I was thinking on that the thought came to me, SHE IS A MOM. Right now, at this moment, and no matter what happens in the future, she is a mom. What if I can never say that? What if I can never say I am a mom? That night, I was blessed with the most precious of dreams. I dreamt that I had a baby. When I woke up, I was so full of joy. I knew that it was just a dream, but I was a mom! That joy lasted for several days. I haven't been able to really share this with anyone yet. I can't really even explain why. I just can vocalized it yet. In thinking about this dream, I've really felt like God was speaking to me, and the dream was a gift. I feel like God is calling me to a season of preparation. For what I'm not sure of yet, I guess only time will tell.