Things seem to be going pretty well today. Mark's aunt is a photographer and came to the hospital to do some professional pictures, so we got permission to get her out of her "inmate attire" and put her in a pretty dress. I can't wait to see how the professional pictures turn out. So now what you're all here for. More pictures. I've had demands from Aunties and HP Aunties for more. I'll try to get more later, but no promises. We should be home tomorrow!

Pictures

She's beautiful! We're quite smitten with this little girl. Everyone is healthy. Birthmom is doing well, birthdad is really struggling. Please keep them in your prayers. Here are some pictures. There are sure to be more. We're on our way back to the hospital. I'll see if I can post from there.

It's a girl. Keep praying.

Climate Change

The term climate change can be a hot button issue these days. But don't worry, I'm not getting political on my blog. I do however want to give warning that the climate of my blog is about to change. By now those of you who don't know may already be guessing the good news on the horizon. I'm still not announcing anything just yet. But I really don't want anyone to be shocked or hurt when I do. So if you're following my blog, or have my feed, you may want to remove it if you think an announcement may sting. It won't hurt my feelings. I know your pain well!

No updates yet

I'm sorry to be so cryptic with the last post. I'm afraid this isn't going to be much clearer. We hope that by this time next week we have good news to report. Thank you all for your prayers and words of support.

Good news is on the horizon...

I've been holding back for a couple of weeks. I'm not going to say too much more than that at this point. But if all goes as it appears to now, good news is coming to a blog near you. Or at least a blog near us. :)

Me with a Peruvian Boa

When life gives you lemons, make baby forumla.

Huh? Let me explain.


When I was pregnant this last fall, I registered on a couple of websites to track the progress of our pregnancy. I also bought something at a maternity store, all of which asked for my due date. One of these places sold my name address and due date. So starting in late June I started getting "Welcome Baby" packages from baby formula manufacturers. The first time I got one of those packages out of the mailbox it nearly sucked the air right out of me. It was a reminder that we will never hold our precious Bella in our earthly arms. I was crushed, and Mark just wanted to get rid of the formula. Once I got myself together, I checked the date on the formula can. It's good for nearly a year. There's a reasonable chance we could have a baby home in that time. Since then I've gotten what seems to be weekly formula checks. They are basically coupons. I hate to see them go to waste. So I've been buying formula. We don't want to spend a ton of money on formula right now because we don't know when baby will be coming home, and the last thing we want to do is waste money. So I've been buying mostly Ready to Use formula. (It's liquid, don't add water). This is the most expensive formula per serving. But it's the cheapest per can. So if I have a $5 formula check, and the Ready to Feed formula is $5.88 to $6.49 per can (depending upon brand) I can use the check and not have too much invested. I'm building up quite a stash. Baby isn't even here yet, and he or she already has their own cabinet in the kitchen.


I figure if we don't have a baby home by the time this stuff gets closer to expiring, I'll donate the stash to the local pregnancy crisis center, and be a blessing to someone else.

Projects, Projects...

I was gently reminded by someone that my blog is once again grossly out of date. I have no idea why, but I haven't been very diligent in keeping the blog updated. It's not like nothing has been happening. No, we don't have any significant updates, like baby announcements. Believe me, when that times comes, it'll be all over this blog! But we've certainly been making progress.

First things first. I'm once again unemployed. This time I don't qualify for unemployment. Oh well. I knew right away the previous job was not going to be a good fit for me. Apparently the last half a dozen people who have worked there knew the same thing... if you know what I mean! I told them after three days that I was going to continue looking for other work. I wasn't quitting, but I would be looking for another job. I stayed there for three weeks until they had me replaced. When I went to the unemployment office to reopen my claim, because I didn't quit my job, and I wasn't being fired for cause. They said that by telling them I was looking for another job it was as good as quitting. I could fight their decision, but I don't have it in me. So for the last three weeks I've been working on projects :)

The biggest project I've been working on is our adoption profile! This is HUGE! Our home study is almost complete, and the profile was the next step before the waiting list. Different agencies have different expectations for the profile. Ours calls them "Picture Pages" and the "Dear Birthmom Letter." We took those two things and combined them into one thing. It's basically like a scrapbook of our lives. I used my digital scrap booking program to do it, and put it together like a book, and had it printed at a local print shop. It turned out beautifully. I'm very happy with it, and I've gotten great feedback from people who have looked at it. We do have a unique opportunity at our agency to have a lady on staff that placed her son for adoption when she was younger. She brings a unique set of eyes to review this kind of thing. Here is the cover of our book. Because this blog is public, and the information in the profile is somewhat private, I'm not going to share the whole thing here. I would be happy to share it with individuals who want to see it, just let me know. I just don't want to put it out here for the whole world to see. I would like to have some control over who I share it with.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm fairly crafty. I've made lots of gifts for friends and families. Lots of these things have been baby gifts. For anyone on the infertility journey, you will understand that baby gifts are tough. It's not that we don't want anyone else to be blessed with a baby. But seeing someone else blessed with the one thing we want and can't have hurts. I've made a very conscious effort over the last few years to make gifts for friends and family with their new arrivals. This forces me to take my focus off myself, and helps keep me out of a pity party.

A lot of these gifts have been rag quilts. One problem I have had with making the rag quilts, is that sometime they are hard to let go of. I imagine my own little one wrapped in the quilt. When I really liked the end product, I would often buy extra fabric to tuck away in hopes of making one for our own child. At one point, soon after we chose our nursery theme several years ago I started a Classic Pooh rag quilt. This was very early in our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I got very discouraged with the results of a treatment cycle, and put the quilt away without completing it. I got it out and finished it this week. I decided to make another small quilt. Then I bought some flannel and used my serger to make several receiving blankets. Then I made a stack of burp cloths out of the scraps. I'm on a roll!

I fully realize that we could have a long wait. But we could also have a very short wait. I think that keeping busy has been therapeutic for me. I think we pretty much have the basics covered. We could bring a baby home tomorrow and we'd have what we need to care for the baby initially. That's an exciting feeling!

So there's an overview of some of the things that have been keeping me busy. :)

One more step complete!!

We had our home visit today. This will be the only required home visit before placement. She said it would take about 2-3ish weeks to get the full home study written up. EEK! One step closer. Just as everyone told me... the home visit was nothing to be worried about. All in all, the home visit was about an hour and a half. We still have a little bit more paperwork to get to her. She said she would have about 75% of it done this week. Next step is to pay the fees and finish our profile.

Really... 7 weeks?

Wow. I can't believe I've been quiet here for seven weeks! It's been a very busy seven weeks. Not even sure where to begin. I don't have time to stay up all night and tell you everything. Here is an abbreviated version of what should really be about half a dozen posts:

We got our required pre-adoption training done. We can still take classes. Our agency certainly offers more. But we have finished the requirements.

I finished off quite a few home improvement projects. Some photos will follow.

I visited family in Kansas. I'm so glad I went. I hadn't seen my Grandma and Aunt in about nine years. It was a very bittersweet visit. Saying goodbye to my grandma was tearful for me. I know that it is very likely the last time I'll see her that she will know who I am.

After six weeks of being unemployed I got a job. I don't love it. Not at all! The wage is a HUGE step back for me, and there are essentially no benefits. I'm going to keep looking for something else.

Bella's due date was last weekend. It was a sad day. I was a bit taken by surprise how hard it hit me on the day. I'm doing much better with it now. It is not mine to understand.

We begin the face to face portion of our home study this week! EEEK. I have so much more that I want to get done around here. I am OK with the condition of 3 rooms of the house (the nursery, the guest bathroom, and the game room) so that leaves the living room, the dining room, kitchen, master bedroom, master bathroom and laundry room that are not in a condition I'm entirely pleased with. Oh well.... the first visit is not till the Tuesday. Did I mention I got a job? I have to go to work tomorrow.... OYE ;)

Maybe I will elaborate on the above mentioned goings on in another post on another day. I best not promise though. Here are the pictures:





I know full well that this room may sit empty for a long time. That's a chance I'm willing to take. I think it was good therapy for me during the days leading up to Bella's duedate to be preparing a nursery. I did beadboard paneling by myself. I also recovered the chair. I have the structure in place as I want it. The details can wait till a baby shower after we have baby at home. It was great to do this all while I had time to spare at home. I can't imagine trying to get all of this done how I wanted it with a new baby at home.

I wanted to get a pack'n'play. We were looking at them yesterday and this one was on clearance.

Bedtime has passed and I'm pooped. Goodnight!

Beginning and Ending...

Today is a day of ending. Today I walked away from what I have called my job for the last 8 years. This wasn't how I would choose to end this chapter in my life. But the choice wasn't mine. I'm thankful that I was given ample time to prepare for this. That was the ending from today.

Today is also a day of beginning. Today I mailed off our adoption application. The beginning of a new chapter!

I'm looking for another job. I had two interviews last week. I know for sure I didn't get the job I really wanted. I haven't heard back on the other one, and I'm going to keep looking. I'm ok though! I have a lot to get done in the mean time.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

We've had a busy weekend, and when I stop and think about the week to come, it's going to be a busy one as well!!

Our weekend started Friday after work. We headed to Mark's parents house to do some handyman work. MIL had "hired" us to do some things for them. She was doing quite a bit of work around the house, and there were several other paid workers there. So I didn't feel bad that we were being paid to do stuff there too. We got home at about 11:30 that night after changing out several light fixtures and starting to change out hinges in the kitchen. Saturday morning started earlier than I planned, and we headed out for another full day of work at their house. We changed more hinges, removed three bathroom mirrors. Sadly the only way to remove the mirrors was to destroy them. Good thing we're not superstitious! We headed home on Saturday evening to plans of spending the rest of the long weekend at home relaxing.

Sunday morning after church Mark's dad called to say their back steps had broken. He wanted to patch them with some plywood, but my father's personality in me would not allow that. So we took some lumber out to repair them. In the end we completely rebuilt them. So that took the entire afternoon (including another trip to town for Mark to get more lumber). I was seriously sore when we got home Sunday evening, with further promises not to do anymore work for the weekend.

This morning I slept in a bit. It was quite nice. I woke to Mark bringing me a donut and orange juice. How sweet! He had turned off my phone so I wouldn't be disturbed. Later in the morning he noticed that I had a missed phone call. I listened to my voice mail and it was someone calling about a job application I submitted last week (and can I just say THANK YOU to Kayla for her help with my job apps). She was very interested in interviewing me.

So this week I have two job interviews for the two jobs I have applied for. I have an evening meeting, etc. Just a busy busy week coming up! When this week is over I will have finished my last full week at my current job. I've been there just shy of 8 years. It seems surreal. A week from today I will go to my last day of this job. It will be a short day, probably just an hour to wrap things up and turn in my key and company ID.

We are also very seriously exploring new family options. You may be able to guess what that means. I'll let you. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we explore this further! Could get exciting!

A Thank You...

I would like to take some time to post today a special thank you. Thank you to the men and women past and present who sacrifice to keep this country free. I also want to thank the families left at home to keep things together. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed. Your families are in my prayers. Thank you!

Anniversary

6 years ago today I married the love of my life. It's been quite a ride. We've had ups and downs. The downs have gone low. But through it all I've had an amazing companion. This is not what I had planned for our marriage. I'm sure it's not what Mark had planned either. But I wouldn't trade it. I love my husband. I'm so thankful for every moment I've had with him. We're preparing for a new leg of our journey. I have no idea where it will take us. But I couldn't pick a better person to be on the ride with me.

We started or celebration early this weekend. Friday after work we zipped off to Boise. We went to the Melting Pot fondue restaurant. We had a wonderful dinner. Then we went miniature golfing. Not something we usually do, but fun! I thought for sure I beat him. Turns out we tied. How appropriate. Mark thought so too. He said it's exactly how we compliment each other. On the holes I didn't do so well on, he did great, and when I did well, he not so much. We drove home very late. We got home at 1:30 am. Took a little while to unwind before heading to bed. I didn't sleep in nearly as late as I planned to for such a late night out. We both took a nap Saturday afternoon. Very unusual for Mark. He slept for about an hour. He woke me up after 4 hours! YIKES!! This of course made it a little difficult to get a normal night of sleep Saturday night. I overslept on Sunday. We spent the day together. All in all a wonderful weekend!

Mark, thank you for a wonderful weekend, but even more than that, a wonderful 6 years! I can't wait to see what the future has for us. I love you!

Proud Friend...

I've had an online friend for several years. We both belong to an infertility forum. I have many friends from this forum. You may wonder how well you can know someone online only. But I have to say I think pretty well. You all have a window into my life that many others don't. But I digress... Back to the current topic at hand. I had the pleasure of meeting this friend Annie at a retreat earlier this month. She's one that has turned coupon into a verb. She's amazing. I dream of being like her. Girl knows how to save money. It's AMAZING!! She was recently featured on her local news. I'd love to share her with you.

Blogging absensce

I've been absent from the blogging world. If I still have any readers that aren't in my day to day life, last you knew we were awaiting the results of our Frozen Embryo Transfer. It was negative. It was heart breaking. It has been very difficult to grasp. We have exhausted ourselves with medical treatments. I can't say that we are done on that road forever. But I can say we are done for now. This is hard to grasp. It's hard to be "done." Working towards something been a way for me to cope with infertility. I have a hard time sitting still. But I have to accept that 10 human babies have gone from my body into eternity. At some point we have to say enough. When going to an amusement park, there's only so long one can stay on the roller coaster before it's too much.

Today is Mother's Day. I can hardly take Mother's Day anymore. My arms are empty. Empty arms are difficult to live with. It's easy for me to focus on that. The fact is, there are many people that have a hard time with Mother's Day, and it has nothing to do with infertility. Mother's Day is salt in the wounds for someone who has lost their mom. Moms who's children are no longer living, Moms who are estranged from their children, the unmarried woman who hasn't had a chance at having a child-- Mother's Day is hard for all of these people.

Today I join the many across the country who regularly attend church, but make a conscious decision NOT to go today. It's just too painful. Sure I could go and "overcome." But why? What does that prove. So I sit in church and cry my way through, or end up listening from the bathroom so I can hide my tears. Our church has a "Hearth Room" that is very cozy. It has a fireplace, couches and comfy furniture, with a tv to watch the service on. It's also where families with small children hang out to avoid disrupting the service. Somehow I would have a difficult time finding comfort there today. If I managed to sit in the service there's the awkward moment that will be repeated in churches all over the country. The honoring of the moms. "Stand up if you're a mom" Do I sit or do I stand? I AM a mom. In a pro-life church that should be very evident. But it's most often forgotten. So if I stand, and they tell different groups of moms to sit, as they seek out the mom of the oldest child and the mom of the youngest child. Where do I fit in there? The fact is, there is no comfortable place for me to fit. Nearly everyone in my daily life will not understand my decision to stay home today. I guess they don't need to.

I feel guilty that I haven't honored my mom the way I should today. I purchased a gift for my mom and mother in law earlier this week, and we delivered it then. Mark is on call this weekend, so that alone is reason to stay close to home. But I really just wanted to stay home and hide out for Mother's Day. Mark wants to take me out to lunch. But I don't want to go sit in a restaurant filled with Happy families and their children. I'll choose somewhere that does takeout, and we can eat at home, or in a park. In the end, I will be ready for Monday to come this week.

Strangely, I was remembered this Mother's Day not only by just my dear sweet husband, but also by a co-worker that I don't get along with particularly well. She gave me a card on the way out the door on Friday. Very surprising. I guess it's not fair to say that those are the only two that remembered. But those are the only two that made it evident. I think it's hard for other people to know what to say. Anything they say might (and probably would) illicit an emotional reaction. And that is uncomfortable.

Today especially, it's hard not to think about what "would have been." Our little Gabe would have been a year and a half old. I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our precious little Bella. Perfect image of a little family. I really miss our babies today.

Next week Mark and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. That's a long time to be working on a baby and still be childless. I know there are many women out there who have had empty arms longer than that. There are women who have had empty arms for less. But pain is pain. It does not one any good to compare.

Oops! Didn't update when I got home

Thanks for the reminder Ann! :) It was a long day. I thought about posting last night when we got home. Truth be told, I almost think I did, but obviously I didn't! I'm going to blame the Valium.

They thawed the remaining three embryos from our previous transfer. All three survived thaw and looked very good. Two were 8 cells and one was 7. The doctor thinks they looked better than the last embryos transferred. But of course, we know this is not a beauty contest. These are human beings, and God can use any of them!

Overall, my transfer was delayed by about an hour. An hour is a LONG time when taking into consideration a full bladder. Shortly before the transfer, not knowing how much longer the delay would be, I sent Mark out to ask if I could run down the hall and take a bit of pressure off my bladder. They said I could go enough to take some pressure off, but NOT empty my bladder. (They need a semi-full bladder for the ultrasound guidance.) I wrapped the sheet around me and scurried down the hall. Oh so thankful!! When they did the ultrasound about 15 minutes later, the nurse said "WHOA! Full bladder!" The doctor also commented about my bladder. Seemed to be the topic of conversation. ;)

Now I'm laying low for the weekend. I'll go back to work on Tuesday. Laying around isn't nearly as much fun as it might sound. But whatever it takes to give these little ones the best chance at sticking. So now we are in everyone's favorite waiting game.

Transfer Day

Happy Pill- done. Acupuncture round 1- done. Bladder full. Doctors flight delayed. Good times.

At least one thing is no longer up in the air...

I got my first "pink slip" today. It wasn't pink though. I was a little disappointed in that. I always thought it would be pink. My manager is colorblind. Maybe no one told him it should be pink. So as the title says, at least one thing is no longer up in the air. I am in fact losing my job. In today's economy though, I must admit I am fortunate. Very fortunate. I have a job until June 1. That is so much better than all of the people these days who go to work and find out they no longer have a job to go to. I haven't heard the full scope of the job loss throughout our company. I know the projected number was 130 company wide. There were 3 in my office. I really did feel like it was coming. We found out last week that the former owners of our company included a stipulation for us in the purchase and sale agreement. That stipulation was a temporary severance policy. A very generous severance policy. It won't keep us in the clear forever, but it gives me a bit of elbow room in the job hunt.

My manager said this choice had nothing to do with my job performance. For this reason I asked for a letter of recommendation to take with me when I leave. This was a suggestion made by a relative of one of my co-workers. I never would have thought of that. UGH! I haven't updated my resume in nearly a decade. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration. It's only been 8 years. I don't even know where that resume is. I wonder if they still have a copy of that in my personnel file. I'll make a mental not note to ask about that....

In other news, I had an ultrasound lining check last week. Let's just say my body has been less than cooperative lately. My lining was still thick, but I was... uh.... still actively shedding that lining, so the nurse felt confident that I would shed enough over the next 12-24 hours to get me where I needed to be. So they had me delay the beginning of my estridol shots by one day. I just had my second shot tonight. They really aren't that bad.

Everyone has been telling me there is a reason for losing my job, and maybe it's so I can stay home with a baby. OH how I hope so... Anyone know of a good way to get rid of stress?

I went to a ladies praise and prayer night at church. That helped a bit. I stopped crying. But the stress is still sitting in my shoulders.