I don't always understand

Some of this is duplication from my prev post... please forgive.

My keyboard is being stubborn. I'll try to catch the typos, but some keys seem to be sticking. Not sure how to safely clean the keyboard of a laptop. OYE! But alas, that is the least of my problems these days.

As I mentioned in the previous post, we are gearing up for another cycle. To say my body isn't cooperating could be an understatement. In order to spare mixed company (like maybe my teenage nephews) the embarrassment, I won't go into details. But lets just say, my body is less than normal, and it's having a hard time getting "back on track" after the d&c in December. I had a water ultrasound on February 13. This was particularly painful. I don't remember feeling that way last time. During this procedure, a catheter is inserted and the uterus is filled with a saline solution while an ultrasound probe is in place. There was some area that wasn't as the doctor hoped to see. He believes it was some "residual debris from recent menses."

After meeting with the doctor, we moved down the hall to line things out with the embryo donor coordinator. We have a total of 7 embryos available. (As a side note-- NO, there is no way I would transfer them all. I don't think my clinic would do that, but even if they would, there's no way I'd agree to it.) We have 4 embryos left from our first donors, and 3 from our second. As of now, our thaw plan is the 3 embryos from our second donors. They are frozen together, so they must all be thawed. If 2-3 of them survive thaw, then that is what we transfer. If 0-1 survive, then they will thaw one "straw" from the first group of embryos. Those are frozen in 2 groups of 2. If 1-2 survive thaw, that is what we transfer. If 0, then they will thaw the final straw. In our previous transfers, we were very fortunate to have every embryo survive thaw. This however is not always the case, so we must be prepared for any outcome. It's very important that our plan is clear, and our wishes known by the embryologist, and clinic staff. I'm currently on birth control pills, with a target transfer date of 3/26. My next appointment is March 5. I'd love your prayers that my body will be cooperating by then, and that we will be on target for a March transfer.

After laying everything out with the coordinator, we went down the hall to meet with the financial coordinator. We've been with this clinic for several years, and we have never met with the financial coordinator.

Another rabbit trail here.... Infertility is EXPENSIVE STUFF! I don't think there is anything inexpensive about infertility. As with anything in the business world, it's supply and demand I guess. The value of something is what someone is willing to pay. And the desire to have a child, for someone who is unable to do so is a strong desire. Anyway- Infertility is most often not covered by insurance. Several years ago I spoke to the president of my company. He was visiting for employee meetings. At the end of the meeting I cornered him, and poured my heart out. I explained to him that in a company that seemed so family oriented, there was something really lacking in our insurance. I told him of our struggle to have a child, and I was saddened that our insurance would pay for birth control pills, tubal ligation, hysterectomy, vasectomy, IUD. Basically they would cover anything short of an elective abortion to prevent me from a having a child. But they would not cover a penny in our efforts to treat our infertility and have a child. He assured me that he would look into that. A few days later I got a call from the HR manager that infertility coverage was "unheard of, at least in our area." So THAT was the end of that!

Back to the financial coordinators. Without infertility treatment coverage in our insurance, every procedure that we have done has been 100% out of pocket. So there was no need to meet with her. Either we had the money to do it, and paid at or before the time of service, or we didn't. End of story. But this time something is different. My company was sold last year to another larger company. And some states mandate infertility insurance coverage. Meaning basically if they offer other services (in some states maternity coverage) they they must also offer some amount of coverage for infertility. My company happens to employ in at least one of the mandated states, so infertility coverage is part of the benefit package!! What a huge PRAISE! This was the reason for meeting with the financial coordinator. I had called ahead to see if the fee structure had changed at all this year. Sadly it had. The donor coordination fee went from $550 to $1000! YIKES! I asked if that was required for each transfer, since there would be no additional matching process or anything. Everything is in place, so this transfer will be no different than a standard FET. She said yes, the fee applied to each transfer. UGH. I knew the insurance probably wouldn't cover that fee, so we'd have to eat it. When we finally got in to meet with her she said she had discussed it with our nurse-coordinator, and they agreed to WAIVE OUR FEE! Another PRAISE! Then she I explained to her that we were on a PPO plan with our insurance, but that because there was no PPO doctors of this specialty in the area (Since this is the only RE in the state) that the insurance said they would probably cover at the PPO rate. So she did her calculations. With the waived fee, and the insurance coverage. She expects we will have to pay about $600-ish, instead of $4000. This doesn't include medication or lab work, but it's a HUGE savings for us. All of this was Friday the 13 of February. What a great day!

Then came Monday... I mentioned before that my company was purchased by another larger company last year. Last Monday we got an email from the President of the utility division (my division) of our company. Due to the integration of our companies, and the recent downturn in the economy there will be layoffs. I have known for months this was a possibility, but still managed to be blindsided by this. They are closing our offices to walk-in traffic. Thus doing away with my position. I haven't been given official word yet, but it is very likely I will lose my job. They will be notifying effected employees Mid-March.

Our initial thought was that we would no longer do the treatment. This was heartbreaking to me. This was already decided to be our last ARTS (assisted reproductive technology) procedure. After the initial shock of things wore off, it may not make total practical sense to try to get pregnant when I'm facing unemployment, but I don't know when it will ever be this affordable for us to try again. So we are going ahead with the plan. IF my body will cooperate. There again, I would appreciate your prayers! If we aren't able to go for a transfer in March, we may have to abandon ship, and give up on this last transfer. The thought of being "done trying" is terrifying to me.

I know God has a plan in all of this, and none of it is a surprise. That seems to be a common thread in my life. From the death of my mom at 3 years old, I know He has had a plan and a purpose for the things that have happened. I just don't understand, or see the purpose at the time. Without the storm there's no rainbow though is there?

Update

I haven't posted for over a month. YIKES! I've said I'm sorry for that too many times, so we'll skip the sorry this time. I've started a few posts, but haven't finished them. So here's my update for now. We are going to try "one more time." At least that's our plan for now. If you're asking "Try what?" you must be new here. We are scheduled for a frozen embryo transfer for the end of March. It was supposed to be 2 weeks earlier, but my cycle didn't cooperate. Everything for a reason, right?

On Friday we had meetings with what seemed like nearly half the staff at our busy fertility clinic. First off we met with the acting embryo donor coordinator at the clinic. This isn't the lady that handled our other transfers, she is just getting back from maternity leave. The acting coordinator is very nice and also very knowledgeable, so I'm in good hands. I think they are actually handling the cycle together. N had a few papers for us to sign. Then we were ushered into an exam room. We've been to the clinic dozens of times. We've only been in that particular room 2 other times. The last time was when Bella was placed in my body. It was sobering thought, and I did feel some element of panic.

Dr F and Nurse M came into the room and did a water ultrasound. Nurse M has been with us through SOOOO many procedures. She's really pulling for us to have our take home baby. During the water ultrasound, a catheter is inserted into the uterus and saline fills the uterine cavity while an ultrasound probe is in place. With this they can verify everything is as it should be inside the uterus. (Picture a deflated balloon, you can't see if anything is in there until you blow it up) There was one area that wasn't what he wanted to see, but he wasn't overly concerned by this. After the water ultrasound, I was given time to get dressed, and Nurse M escorted me to N's office, where there was more paperwork to go through. Nurse M was so sweet. She teared up when she was asking me how things were going since the miscarriage.

Following the consult with N, we stopped at the appointment desk and laid out the rest of the cycle. Then it was the dreaded appointment.... the appointment with the financial coordinator. I was somewhat fearing this. When I started planning for this cycle, I asked if the fee schedule had changed. She told me it had. The coordinator fee went from $550 to $1000! EEEK. I explained to her that we were already matched with our embryos, and were very familiar with the whole process. There should be little else to do outside of a normal FET. She said she would visit with some people and we could sit down and talk about it. During our meeting, she told us they had decided to completely WAIVE the $1000 fee. PRAISE THE LORD! What a huge relief. That paired with the fact that I now have a bit of infertility treatment coverage with our new insurance, this cycle should cost us a FRACTION of what we paid for the two cycles last year.

So here we go. I'm on birth control pills for another couple of weeks, and then the roller coaster starts again....... Stay tuned for the ride.

Today's adventure

I took a friends advice and went to see a counselor through my company's EAP, and can I just say... God is good! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, but glad I went. She asked why I was there, and I gave her my story. I didn't say anything about my faith at all. The only hint she may have had from my words to that end was saying something about waiting for a miracle. She told me, "There's a reason you're here today. There's a reason I had an opening so soon when you called. I really feel like that was the Lord. I'm a Christian."

That was such a load off my mind! I really wanted a christian counselor, but since I had 5 sessions through my company's program, I decided to try it out that way first. This was the first counselor on their list, and so I accepted the referral.I really feel like a bit of the load has been lifted. She even teared up a few times in the session. She ended the session hugging me and telling me I had one more person praying for me.

Recovery

I'm happy to report my physical recovery has gone beautifully. If you'd like to know the details of the D&C procedure, and my experience, I'd be happy to share. If I can not use my experiences to help someone else, then it truly is all in vain. I spent a couple of days taking it easy after the D&C, and took the prescribed pain killers. I was back to work on Friday. I'm all but done bleeding. Truthfully, I had only a small amount of spotting for the days following the procedure. I got through today with very little discomfort, and no medication at all.

On the emotional front I think the D&C helped as well. It gave a measure of immediate closure. It didn't solve everything. I'm not "better." I don't know what "better" is. As with our last loss, I expect to eventually find a new type of normal. Little Bella Hope forever changed the shape of my heart, just as Gabe did. I am still having daily emotional melt downs. I know they will eventually spread out a bit. Yesterday it was caused by nausea. I was sitting in my recliner and felt nauseous. I had very little morning sickness in my pregnancy. I was very fortunate, but I was also thankful when I felt nausea. It was a reminder to me that I had a miracle growing inside me. Yesterday it made me mad. I was no longer thankful, because it was a reminder that our miracle was gone. Today I cried in church. Praise and worship time in church seems to be a time of heightened emotions for me. Today was no different.

I want a baby. That desire has not left. But I'm terrified to try again. I know I am in the thick of grief, but I don't know if I can do this another time. I don't think I will rest easy in a pregnancy ever again. Time will tell.

A Name

With the D&C, we didn't opt for genetic testing. I had hoped they would be able to test the remains only to find out the gender. They couldn't do this without full chromosome analysis. I really felt that was unnecessary, and would probably reveal more questions than answers. So we will have no medical confirmation of gender.

I told Mark early on that I thought this baby was a girl. This is all we have to work with, so that's what we're going with . I don't want to forever refer to the baby as "it" or "him/her." So we needed a name. She was a person. I know not everyone names their lost children. This is just one thing I need for my healing.

When I thought about a name, I immediately thought of "beautiful." We needed something that means beautiful. That last ultrasound picture was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. The name we settled on is Bella Hope.

Little Bella,
You were beautiful and perfect in every way. With you we felt a hope that we haven't had for a long time, and we only pray we can have again someday. Please hug and kiss Grandma Lucy, Gabe, and all of your other brothers and sisters. You have forever changed the shape of our hearts. We love you and miss you like crazy.

Home again

We arrived home several hours ago, but I had to sleep off some pain meds. I didn't talk to the doctor after the procedure, but Mark did. Everything went well.

We got to the hospital, signed the paperwork, had some blood drawn, the nurse drawing my blood said some stupid things without knowing why I was there. I ended up crying. Then it was off to Pre-Op. They knew why I was there, so they were much more sensitive. They took my vitals, and did more paperwork, and then I got all dressed up in my gown, and my IV inserted. I got to lay covered in piles of warmed blankets for awhile before they wheeled me into the operating room. There, they opened my gown and the tear away sleeves, stuck sensors around my body, the anesthesia provider was up by my head and said something that I don't even remember, and poof! I woke up in recovery. So far, my hand hurts the most where the IV was, so I'm going to count myself lucky! The highlight of my day was probably hearing the lullaby played over the hospital PA system announcing a birth, as I was wheeled out to the car. Oh the irony!

Physically, I think I'm doing very well. Emotionally I'm holding up pretty good right now as well. That isn't to say there are no struggles. I have tears, but not as bad as I have in recent days. I'm so far very glad I opted for the D&C over a natural miscarriage. I think this will allow me to get on with the healing, both physically and emotionally. I'm off work for the next 2 days. I will return to work on Friday.

A special thank you to those who have been praying for us during this season. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you for bearing our burdens along with us. My most recent dose of pain meds is kicking in, so I should stop writing before I embarrass myself, if I haven't already!

Today's apointment

Our appointment today went as well as can be expected. We started in a waiting room full of about 20 huge pregnant bellies. I had a hard time with this. Once Mark arrived, I hid in the corner behind something and cried. We waited about 20 minutes there. Then we went to the exam room. The ultrasound tech was the same one we had for the previous ultrasound. There was no change in the baby. Same exact size and no heartbeat, but looked perfect. She said she would go get the doctor. I asked if I should get dressed or not. She said she thought so, but wasn't sure, so she would go check. She never came back, so I sat there half naked with my over sized paper towel over my legs. We waited there about 30 minutes.

Doctor came in and said "So, looks like you're pregnant." Neither Mark or I responded. My friend warned me of this particular doctor's strange bedside manor (But also told me she had complete confidence in him, and out of all the doctors in the practice, he would be her first choice). He commented on how perfect the baby looked, which surprised him for stopped growth nearly 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take a look, because when it comes to stuff like this he doesn't trust anyone but himself. He got a call from Labor & Delivery, but asked the nurse to take a message. It felt good that we didn't get pushed aside. He went over our options and the pro's and con's of each. We opted to go ahead with the D&C. He said he would go start the scheduling process for tomorrow. Then no one came back... for about 20 minutes. Dr had to go ahead and go to L&D, and the surgery schedule was temporarily MIA, so they would have to call me back to let me know. The rest of the details are boring (not that any of this story has been exciting). D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

Here is baby's final picture. I asked for a copy of it. Looks perfect to me. I found it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. No one said the emotions of this process made any sense. I asked if we could find out the gender without doing the full panel of genetic testing and the nurse said no. It's all or none. I'm going to ask the doctor tomorrow if I can. There's no point in doing the genetic testing as this baby is no genetic relation, but I'd really like to know the gender.

Delayed reaction

It's been over a week since we learned our baby was gone. I immediately stopped taking my progesterone and estrogen. The only way we knew the baby was gone was the ultrasound at my first OB appointment. My body gave no indication anything was wrong. In fact with she did the physical exam, everything seemed to be right on. I hadn't had any bleeding for 2 and a half weeks, nothing since several days before the ultrasound that we saw that beautiful beating heart.

I've still had all of my pregnancy symptoms. I woke this morning very early, about 3:30 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I was tired, but my mind wouldn't shut off. I got up and spent some time on my computer. I posted a message on a forum asking questions about what to expect with a D&C, because for some reason my body hasn't gotten the memo. I went back to sleep at about 7:30 am. Wouldn't you know it, someone sent the memo while I slept. I woke up and had been bleeding a bit. Probably TMI I know, but I'm too emotionally drained to really care.

I seriously doubt my body will pick up the pace enough in the next day or so to resolve this before the D&C. I don't HAVE to do the D&C, but I'm hoping the procedure will resolve things more quickly. One of my nurses warned that a natural miscarriage at this point could be quite painful, but I've heard others say that they miscarried at this same stage of development, and it was a heavy period. I know the contractions I had when I finally completed the miscarriage last time were NOTHING like menstrual cramps, and I had much less to pass that time.

I know the physical discomfort will be very temporary, whichever way this is completed. I'm just concerned about dragging the process on. I know every experience was different. But with my last experience, I started spotting at about 5 weeks, and it picked up later that week. The baby was confirmed gone at 6 weeks. I continued bleeding for another 5 weeks. I took a week off of work when we first learned the baby was gone. Thinking it would happen quickly. As it happened, I ended up having strong contractions one day at work. We were short handed, and there was no way I could leave. I just got to endure, and come home and take a pain pill and go to sleep. The following Monday my hcg level was back to zero. I don't want the long drawn out process again. This is why I'm opting for a D&C. I guess maybe it's my way of taking some control of the situation.

In the next couple of days, as I know more I'll give you an overview of the procedure itself. Christmas morning was horrible this year, but that too is a story for another day. A truly heartfelt thank you to those of you who have sent your well wishes and prayers. They mean the world.

I'm not alright...

This morning I have the chorus of a christian "rock" song going through my head. It won't go away. I don't think I know many of the other words to that song. I've only head it on the radio. But here the chorus is:

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
leads me to you

I can't speak for Mark. His grief is much quieter, as he stands strong for me, but I've experienced quite a range of emotions this weekend. I'm out of bed earlier than I'd like to be. Mark always gets up earlier than I, and I usually lay in bed and get a little bit more shut-eye. But being awake and laying in bed wasn't doing me any favors this morning. My mind was all over the place. Who doesn't know yet. Oh yes, then there will be an email reply from a co-worker who has transferred to another area of the company but still checks on me from time to time. I emailed him on Friday morning, letting him know how wonderful everything is going, and we have already seen the heartbeat, etc. I'm almost certain there will be an email from him. I'll need to reply to that, what will I say. Oh yes, and I need to email Clover, or do I have the strength to call her? I should have done that this weekend... All these thoughts within minutes of waking up. So I just got out of bed. Now should be the time I would be preparing my final progesterone in oil shot. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last, as I was weaning off the meds, because I'm far enough into the pregnancy for the placenta to take over the hormone production.

Can I be real here? That's what it's here for, right? I have a dead human being inside me. It's a sobering thought. I no longer have a living little baby I can talk to, or read bible stories to. The soul of this precious child has passed from my body into heaven. Because of the hormone therapy I was on (and the fact that my body has never done much of anything "right"), my body doesn't know yet. So the tiredness an bouts of nausea continue. I admit I've had a very easy pregnancy, if you subtract this past Friday from the equation.

This weekend was spent as normal as possible. We finished up some Christmas shopping Friday. We did some grocery shopping Saturday. I tried to be a bit productive, and did some housework, and wrapped some Christmas gifts. Mark and I exchanged our gifts, as we don't know what the coming days have in store for us. "Normal" has been a sort of distraction. Don't get me wrong. I've grieved. I've cried buckets of tears. But at least I can give my mind a bit of a break, from the constant streaming thoughts that are all over the page, sort of like the content of this blog post.

I must also admit, due to the advise of an online friend who is no stranger to the grief of losing babies, I spent WAAAAAAAAY too many hours playing Animal Crossing on the Wii. I really didn't think I'd like it, so we rented it. Both Mark an I enjoyed it, and while I normally can't justify spending that kind of money on a video game, it will be purchased this week. Thanks Kristina.

And on that random note, with this poor grammar, I must say farewell, time to get ready for work!

Another heavenly babe...

Our baby is gone. It seems my body is not meant for life. I am a tomb. I'm emotional right now, crying at the drop of a hat, but at the same time I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I had my first OB appointment today. Went through the pap, and physical exam, pee'd in a cup, gave them all the explanations on EA, previous infertility and miscarriage experience, etc. Then they called to see if there was still an ultrasound tech. There was, she tried an abdominal u/s, but couldn't get a good enough look, so I emptied my bladder and we went for the magic wand. I could see right away there was no heartbeat. But she kept working away, so I thought maybe I was missing something. She clicked away at her machine for what seemed like 5 minutes, before I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said I'm still looking, but I haven't been able to get it yet. I had also seen some of her measurements on the screen say 9w1d, and I should be at 10w3d. So baby has probably been gone a week. She then went to get a doctor to confirm.They gave me the choices as to what to do next.

I'm going to wait till after Christmas, and hope something happens on it's own before then. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping as of yet. I will stop my meds today. I have another appointment on Dec 29 to double check and make sure I don't have a miracle (his words- he's been wrong before, he doesn't think he's wrong this time, but we can wait and see) and if it is confirmed gone at that point, they will schedule a d&c for the next day. I know I'm early enough, and the baby is small enough that I should be fine to m/c natural, but I had such a bad experience last time. I'd rather get it over with, and not drag it out another month, and labor at work like last time.

Sometimes you've just gotta dance...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ultrasound pictures

Well, as anticipated, I didn't ever get around to pulling out the scanner and hooking it up over the weekend. But I did scan them this morning at work. Here they are. Little one is upside down, so use your imagination.


Baby measured 18 mm from head to bum, and had a heart rate of 176 bpm. The last picture is the best :) You can even see the little leg sticking out in the top of the black circle. The heartbeat was an amazing thing to see.

Released!?!?

We had a wonderful appointment today with our RE. We saw the baby as soon as he stuck in the magic wand (ultrasound probe). He didn't have to point it out to me, I KNEW, and I saw the heartbeat right away. That is really what I was hoping for. Baby Bean measured 8w0d, and we are 8w3d, so a little small, but nothing to worry about. He said everything looked perfect, well attached. Heart rate was 176 b/m. He pointed out a little arm and a little leg. He gave me a weaning schedule for my meds. If I can bring myself to pull out the scanner this weekend, I'll post the u/s pictures. If not, I'll scan them Monday at work.

I'm now released from the RE, to go to a regular OB/GYN!! This is totally uncharted territory for us.

I say all of this with excitement, and at the same time my heart is heavy for the ladies I know and love with arms that long to be filled. We have been on this road for a long time, and I know ladies who have been on it longer. But duration doesn't determine the pain. Infertility hurts. Period. While this blog may be changing in it's content, the pain of infertility is still there, lingering in the background. I'm sad that I have friends who will no longer feel comfortable visiting here as often as they used to, because of the sting. I know you are happy for me, but that it hurts your heart. That's OK. I understand well. I don't even know for sure who I'm talking to, but you do, and so does God, so I will be praying.

Wonderful quiet long weekend

Mark and I were both off for the long weekend. We spent a few hours with each of our families on Thursday, and Friday ventured out to Costco. We bought a new DVD player for a really good deal, but that was really about it. Friday I decided that we didn't bring home enough Thanksgiving leftovers, so we made our own mini feast of our favorites. Ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. The last cooking we did for the weekend :) Friday evening we went out, stopped at Starbucks and got a Carmel Apple Cider, (yummmmy!) and drove around to find a good parking spot to watch "Christmas in the Nighttime Sky." It's a local tradition we've never taken part in, but I think we will make it a tradition. The business that puts this on hosts a Potato/Chili dinner that is free with a new toy donation, then they have a beautiful fireworks display with Christmas music. We decided to have our own dinner, and view from the warmth of the car. Partly because we just didn't want to mess with being bussed to the location, etc, and partly because I think Mark is afraid the baby will get cold if I'm outside too long. :) This kid is well insulated in LAYERS AND LAYERS of fat! Mark is taking great care of us though.

We did venture out a few times this weekend, but the majority of the weekend has been spent lounging around. Thankfully the bleeding has stopped, and is only occasional spotting. Usually once or twice per day. I'm very anxious for our next ultrasound. Hopefully there will be a lot more to see this time!

Lady did her share of lounging. She's sleeping next to me right now. She's been dreaming a BUNCH this weekend. She's running in her sleep right now. Both yesterday and today she woke me up with her muffled sleep-barking. I think it's cute.

Well, it's time for me to get some sleep. I had a nap this afternoon. That is the only thing that has enabled me to be awake this late. Goodnight. Thanks for all of you who were checking in on me.

The last couple of weeks

The last couple of weeks have been both eventful and uneventful. Let me explain. With my last post, I was very excited to tell you all of the fantastic increase in my hcg beta. I didn't anticipate anything to update you with until my ultrasound appointment on Friday, November 21.

Last Wednesday while I was at work, I used the restroom, and noticed some spotting. It reminded me so much of how last year's miscarriage started. I was terrified. I called and spoke to a nurse at my clinic who did her best to reassure me. It's very normal. It happens in one in four pregnancies. Reduce activity and increase fluid intake. Call if I'm filling a pad in an hour. The unfortunate thing about the speech is that it is the same one I received last year as I miscarried, so I was able to find very little comfort in it. I went to work for 2 hours on Thursday, and the spotting continued, so I went home again for the day, and notified them I would be gone all day Friday. I came home and rested Thursday for the rest of the day. That seemed to be the end of the spotting. I fully expected more Friday after the ultrasound. (I knew the ultrasound would be via the magic wand, which can agitate things in there). But I escaped Friday with NO spotting. Must have been a fluke thing.

We had the ultrasound Friday. The purpose of this was to determine how many of the 3 embryos transferred actually attached, and to verify that they were in the correct place. I could not see a THING on the ultrasound. He had to do some searching, but found one little bean, snug where it should be. It was very tiny, and he said he could see the heartbeat. I saw a little bit of movement, but I would never have pointed that out as a heartbeat. However, this guy was the expert, so we're going to go with his opinion on it!

Saturday morning I lounged around a bit, and did a some ironing. I tried on several outfits, and decided what I would wear to Mark's company Christmas Party later that afternoon. Before you start with the comments, I KNOW! It's EARLY for a Christmas Party. I didn't plan it, I was just planning to attend. I went to the restroom, and what I saw was far beyond spotting. I went into total panic mode. I quickly went to bed, where I spent the remainder of the weekend. The bleeding lasted several hours. Mark really needed to attend this party for work. There were several reasons, one of them being he is management, another is that he had a portion of the gifts to be handed out at the party. I called my mom, to let her know what was going on, and she insisted on coming over. She stayed with me until Mark got home.

She prayed for me several times. Before the end of the weekend there were hundreds of people all over the country, and some around the world praying for us. Thankfully the bleeding stopped that evening. I had spotting for several more days. Today seems to be in the clear, but my family insists on keeping me on light duty. That's OK, I'll do whatever I can to keep this little been snug where it needs to be!

Next ultrasound will be in a couple of weeks. We should see a very clear heartbeat (I'm thinking Mark and I should be able to identify it) and maybe arms and legs! I'm excited for that one. I just want to get through this scary first tri stuff!

Thank you to those of you out there who already knew most of this, and were praying for us. Your prayers were appreciated and effective!

Major Praise!!

I had another beta hcg test today. Monday's level was 333. For today we needed to see a minimum of 650-ish, but we were hoping for more in the 1000 range. Oh me of little faith was just expecting the 600's, but God amazed me once again.

My hcg today was 1236!! I'm in awe. So much more than I hoped for. We were praying for at least 1000.No more beta tests now. Next step is an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. She gave me a due date of July 14. I had already figured that, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

I pulled out my work calendar, and compared the beta numbers from my previous pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage. My hcg was 59 at the same time that now it is 1236. Thankfully we're way ahead of that.

Thank you to all of you who pray for us!

What a difference a week makes...

I haven't updated in awhile, and this is LONG one... so skip to the picture now if you don't want to read it! :)

The long version:

We had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with donor embryos (known to those in favor of embryonic stem cell research as "medical waste" - but that's a rant for another day) on October 24th. My first blood test (beta hcg) was on November 1, 8 days past transfer. My blood tests are almost always same day results. They warned me ahead of time that this wouldn't be. I had a repeat test on Monday, November 3. They said they would compare both results and give them to me at the same time. I was talking to someone that day and telling them I think this is a great idea if it's positive, but if it's negative, I think it's more hurtful. It's an unnecessary stick with the needle, and dragging things out longer than necessary. Oh how little I know!

I took the day off work Monday the 3rd. I didn't want to be anticipating the phone call all day while at work. The other side of that is with our last transfer I had an all out temper tantrum when I got the a negative result. Best not to be kicking, screaming and bawling at work. Call me crazy!

I went to the hospital lab right shortly after they opened at 7:00 am. I had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests over the weekend and they were negative. I was pretty sure that it was negative. And already trying to figure out where we could get the money to do another transfer next year. Barb, the lady who draws my blood most of the time is so sweet! I know she prays for me when she does the draw. (As a side note, it was a different lady who did my blood draw on Saturday the 1st, and she prayed for me too, and I didn't know her! Isn't it cool how God puts people in our paths!?) I asked Barb how long it usually takes for them to send the results to my doctor's office, she said they are typically done within the hour. So I decided to go to work for an hour. I knew it was going to be a crazy busy day for them being short handed. Then I went home to wait. Lunchtime came and Mark asked if I'd heard anything yet. Nope :( He asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test. I told him no, why waste it? But then I got impatient, so I decided to go pee on a stick. We got the wrong pregnancy test, and these were to be used after the first day of a missed period (some can be used as early as 4 days earlier). It showed negative really quick. I tucked it under the counter because I'd told Mark I wasn't going to waste it.

Mark returned to work for the afternoon, and I continued my wait. I went to retrieve the home pregnancy test from under the counter. I took one last glance before I tossed it in the trash. To my great surprise, there was the faintest second line. It was one that I had to look at it in a bright light, and at the right angle, and kind of squint just right. But there appeared to be something there. The only problem with this is results are only reliable if read in the first 10 minutes. So it could have been an what's called an evap line. So I grabbed my phone and my purse and headed out to the nearest grocery store. I didn't like their selection, and they were SO expensive. I really wanted an EPT, or First Response Early Response. So I decided to head across town to Target.

I decided to splurge on an EPT digital. I thought about it, and couldn't decide if I had 5 seconds worth of pee in me, and I couldn't wait ANY longer to take this test. So I grabbed a package of paper cups, went through the checkout and headed to the bathroom. Yes, I'm admitting this. you read correctly. I took my home pregnancy test in the bathroom at Target. I was correct, I didn't have 5 seconds worth of pee, so I'm glad I used the cup. I sat there while the little digital screen flashed a little hour glass for what seemed like an eternity. I'm sure it was only a couple of minutes. This is what I saw:

It's a blurry picture taken with my cellphone, and have no fear, I didn't take it in the bathroom, it was in my car right after I left the bathroom, but it says PREGNANT!!

I decided to go get a Cherry Limeaide from Sonic and take it to Mark. I took the drink in to Mark at work. He asked if I'd gotten the call yet. I told him no. So at this point he thought the drink was the only reason I was there. He walked me out to my car like he normally does, and when we got to the car I pulled the test out of my pocket. I was so excited to tell him. While we were there in the parking lot I got the call. It was a mixed bag as far as the results go. Saturday's result was an hcg level of 2. Anything under 5 is considered not pregnant. Monday's result was 29! That's a great increase in just 2 days, but we are off to a low and slow start. I was glad for a positive, but it reminded me so much of my low and slow betas with Gabe when that lead to a miscarriage. Oh, and that part I mentioned earlier about not liking how they did the 2 draws before giving me results. They know more than I. Because if we went off the first results it would have been considered negative, and I would have stopped taking my meds, which in my opinion, would have meant a certain miscarriage. But the second results were a certain positive.

Since then I've had 2 more betas. At this stage of pregnancy, hcg levels should double AT LEAST every 48 to 72 hours. My test on Wednesday was 51. So not quite a double, but within range. I had another today, and it increased to 333! That calculates to doubling every 44.3 hour since the previous test. The total hcg is still on the low end of the spectrum for where it should be at this stage, but it's increasing appropriately. I will have another draw later this week, and we need to see at least 600 then, but we are hoping for closer to 1000. 1000 would send me over the moon!

What a difference a week makes. Last week I was sure it was negative, today the outlook is so much different! We are excited and hoping and praying this is our take-home baby(babies).

Hello big cruel world

Well, I left the safety of my cozy home today to go back into the big cruel world. No more bedrest, it was back to work today. I did good. I followed directions. I didn't lift anything I shouldn't. I was pooped when I got home even though work wasn't terribly busy. I need to venture out to Walmart. I can't decide if I should do it tonight or another night.... hmmmm..... the big decisions in life!

No news is good news

Well, I'm taking the "no news is good news" approach. I went in for my blood work at 7 am this morning, the results were to be STAT. My clinic only calls on blood work if there is a problem, and the doses need to be changed. I called the pharmacy today and they said they were sorry about the outdated medication, and they would mix up some new ones for me. These don't expire until April. MUCH better! I've had some cramping today. Not sure if that's good bad, or gas ;) I've been enjoying taco soup this week.

My mom brought over dinner today and cleaned the kitchen. I thought she was just going to load the dishwasher. She did more, and I'm embarrassed. My stove looks great!

Pictures

Human Life, in it's nearly smallest form! These are day 3 embryos. I'm not sure exactly how many cells they have, but aren't they beautiful. Two cells join, become one, and then quickly begin the process of dividing. This is a picture of the embryos that were placed inside me on Friday. These are our babies!! The ultrasound picture is them being placed. It's surreal watching the ultrasound screen as the tube is guided into position. The little bright spot in the middle of he screen is where they were placed. The big black area at the top is my VERY FULL bladder!