12-19-2008

My thoughts are all over the place.  I’m going to try to come up with a post that makes some sort of sense.

12-19-2008. 

It was three years ago. 

But I remember it like it was yesterday.
 

It was Friday.   The day started like any other.  That day and for nearly three months before that, the day started with a needle being jabbed into my behind by my husband.  He didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t want him to do it.  But it was a part of the process.  It’s often a necessary evil of early pregnancy when one doesn’t get pregnant the old fashioned way.  We had been trying to conceive for more than five years, and had one miscarriage.  This time I was nearing 11 weeks.  Two weeks earlier I was released from the care of our reproductive specialist.  At that last appointment, we were able to see a beautiful beating heart, and little arms.  I finally had the courage to fill in the dates on my pregnancy journal.

12-19-2008

I went to work for part of the day.  Then I met my husband for our first OB appointment.  I went in armed with all kinds of information.  We had an initial evaluation with the nurse.  I rattled off all kinds of info for her—the exact gestational age of the baby, dosages of medications, our plan for weaning off of the shots, etc.  I was sounding quite Type A.  When one invests as much time, resources and energy into getting pregnant one typically knows more about early pregnancy than average.  When the Nurse Practioner came in I said, “She probably rolled her eyes and said ‘She’s one of THOSE’”  The NP laughed, but didn’t disagree.  I didn’t care.  We went through the rest of the exam.  She tried to find the heartbeat on the fetal doppler, but was unable to.  She wasn’t concerned.  It was still early.  She said they typically do an ultrasound during the first exam, but since I had one two weeks earlier it wasn’t necessary.  She gave me the option.  I said that we would never turn down a chance to get a peek at our little one.  We went across the hall to the ultrasound room.  The ultrasound tech initially tried an abdominal ultrasound.  She told me to go empty my bladder and we’d try a vaginal ultrasound.

12-19-2008

My world shattered.

The ultrasound tech clicked away quietly taking measurements of the baby.  The silence was deafening.  You see, an ultrasound tech is not a doctor.  They really aren’t allowed to say much.  She didn’t need to.  I could see with my own eyes that the beautiful flickering light I had seen two weeks earlier was no longer flickering.

12-19-2008

It was as if I was outside the room, looking in on someone else.  This couldn’t be my life.  I said “The heart isn’t beating.  Is it?”  She said she was sure having a hard time finding it.  She then left the room and returned with a doctor.  He confirmed the nightmare that was our life at that moment.—Our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  According to the measurements it probably happened about a week earlier.  He gave us options.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to see if I would miscarry naturally, and then schedule a D&C.

12-19-2008

I started my day happily pregnant.  I ended my day a mom grieving the death of  her child. 

12-19-2008

I started my day with a bit of nausea that is so common in early pregnancy.  I ended the day sobbing so hard I threw up.

12-19-2008

I can’t decide if the date is forever etched into my memory, or if I simply won’t allow myself to forget, because somehow forgetting would be a betrayal to my baby’s memory.

12-19-2008

It’s been three years, and what have I learned? 

I’ve learned that everyone grieves differently.  What may help me with my healing may to hard for you. 

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t say something, doesn’t mean they don’t care.  Sometimes they just don’t know what to say.

I’ve learned that pregnancy loss is a hard thing for people to talk about.  But it is something that shouldn’t be taboo.  Too many people suffer this loss in silence and isolation.

I’ve learned that beauty truly does come from ashes.  The very same time my baby was being removed from my body, Emma’s body was being formed inside of her birthmom.  I will never fully understand this side of heaven the purpose of the lives of my children that are in heaven.  But I do know they have forever left footprints on my heart. 

12-19-2008

Bella Hope.  She was indeed our beautiful hope.

Several months ago I saw a picture and thought it was beautiful.  It said:

 "Today should have been so different. Just know I'm thinking about you, missing you, loving you, celebrating you, this side of Heaven."

 But the more I thought of it, the more I had to disagree.  Today COULD have been so much different.  But SHOULD it have been?  Given the choice, would I have chosen for my children to die within my body?  No.  I sure wouldn’t have.  But God sees far more of the picture than I do.  I’m thankful for that.  Think of what I would have missed out on.  Stay with me here.  I hope I’ll make that make sense.

A number of years ago I did a Beth Moore bible study called  “Believing God.”  In a portion of that study we were instructed to reflect on God’s apparent activity in various seasons of our lives. In that process, I realized some things I had never thought of.  God has used some terrible circumstances for good in my life.  My first mom died when she was 25 years old.  She had cancer.  Because of her illness, she had time to make ensure she was right with God.  God used a terrible thing—cancer, to draw my mom closer to Him.  At the same time, God used a terrible thing—the death of my mom, to place me in a wonderful Christian home with sisters and a brother, and two parents who loved Him.   Would I have chosen for my mom to die?  No.  But once again.  God saw far more of the picture, and chose to use a terrible circumstance for good.

Our first baby was Gabe.  If Gabe had lived, we would have never had Bella.  If Bella would have lived, we would never have known Emma.  The thought of not knowing this amazing little person kills me inside.

So this year, on December 19, while I still grieve her death, with tears in my eyes, I am choosing to celebrate our Bella Hope and thank God that He sees more of the picture than I do.

Stationery card

Starlight Snowflakes Christmas Card

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South Hills Christmas lights

We went to see the Christmas Lights in the South Hills last night.  It was cold.  Probably too cold to walk through the lights but we did it anyway.

It was so cold that I didn’t want to take the time to figure out what settings to put my camera on to get good pictures.  The camera flash makes all of the Christmas lights pretty much disappear in the pictures. :(  I left thinking I didn’t get any good pictures.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the pictures this morning.  I got a few reasonably good ones with the flash off.

Emma called the camel a monkey.  She didn’t want anything to do with it though.  Good thing, because all of the pictures I got of him were super blurry.

Mommy’s clothes

Emma has had a thing for  trying on my clothes lately when I’m turned the other way.  It cracks me up.   This first one obviously isn’t my clothes, but last week when I was pulling out Christmas decorations, she tried on the Leg-lamp lamp shade.

Then there was my pants—a little backward, but I still give her points for effort.

This morning it was my socks—again points for effort.

Digging into the archives of the last few months, I was able to find her with my shoes.

Oh, I can’t forget my ear warmers.

I’m going to skip the picture of her with my bra… and feminine hygiene products.  I’ll save those for teenage blackmail.

Letter, letters, everywhere

Two and a half years ago, I was downsized from a very well paying job.  A few months later I got another job.  Making a little more than half my previous wage.  A month later, Emma joined our family.  I tried to be a work-outside-the-home mom.  I tried for almost a year.  It just wasn’t good for our family.  So I left my job to be a stay at home mom.  While I haven’t regretted it for a second, each of these life changes has required us to do a bit of belt tightening.  One of the things we have done in the last year to cut expenses, was to ditch cable tv.  I’m not going to lie.  I miss it at times.  But Netflix helped to fill the void.  Then they jacked up their prices, and I felt the need to cancel our subscription on principal alone.

One day I was flipping through the Tivo suggestions (it records things you may like based on things it knows you like.)  I’ve never been a big PBS fan.  No real reason why.  I guess I just had other options.  But I decided to play an episode of Word World. 

Emma LOVED it.  We’ve now set the Tivo to record it on a regular basis.  She’s become somewhat obsessed with letters as a result.  She sees them everywhere we go.  She’s always pointing out letters.  Lately, more often than not she identifies them correctly.  I’m so amazed!!

Sometimes at random, she will spell words she has seen on Word World.  Box, tuba, drum, and hat are ones that come to mind.  The other day she was playing and I heard her say “H-A-T hat!”  I’ve said before that I’m not sure whether to be amazed that she has absorbed this, or embarrassed that she’s seen it enough to remember.  I think for now I’m going to be thankful she’s using this as a tool to learn!

Christmas in the Nighttime Sky

There are many things I looked forward to in my desire to become a parent.  I had many years to plan for this.  I wanted so badly to create new traditions with my children, and to make memories with them.  I had high expectations. 

One of those traditions I looked forward to was Christmas in the Nighttime Sky.   Christmas in the Nighttime Sky is a local event the night after Thanksgiving.  It’s sponsored by many local businesses.  There is a potato/chili dinner and concert, followed by fireworks set to Christmas music.  Admission is a new un-wrapped toy for Toys for Tots.  We have never braved the crowds by going to the actual event.  But Mark and I have been going to watch the fireworks from nearby for years.  We go to Starbucks and get hot apple cider, and find somewhere to park with a good view of the fireworks, and stay warm in our car.  Go ahead and judge.

The thing is… those high expectations I mentioned.  I remember several years sitting in the car with my apple cider wondering if I’d ever have a child to bring here and watch too.  Then Emma came into our lives.  She was two months old when we first took her to “see” the fireworks.   Those expectations? They crashed and burned.  Emma started screaming about the time the first fireworks went off.  Papa-bear came out in Mark.  He was sure the sound scared her.  I’m still pretty sure that she was just upset that she was in her car seat and the car wasn’t moving.  Either way- no one was having any fun, so we left. 

Last year was un-memorable.  Emma was 14 months old.  We parked a little further away in case the sound did scare her.  I don’t think she really noticed the fireworks at all.  We took a picture with the camera on the tripod.  I can’t seem to find it right now.  But it’s great.  You can’t even see Emma’s face because her coat hood is in the way. ;)

Then there was this year.  I’m so glad I brought the video camera.  I’ll just let the video do the talking.

Making music with Daddy…

A couple of weeks ago Mark decided to pull out his guitar and play some music.  So I pulled out Em’s “band in a box” for her to play along with him.  She had a blast.

(please excuse the weird pictures, I was playing with camera settings—not very effectively it seems)

She kept sticking the kazoo and harmonica in Mark’s mouth.

She helped him strum.

We all had fun.  It did my heart good to watch.  I took video.  I’m thinking it’s just too awesome for the internet though.

Thanks Aunt KK!

Marks sister Kayla is known for her love of books.  Lately, Emma has been really into her books.  So I tagged Kayla on facebook in a picture of Emma.  Well, actually, it was this picture of Emma under her table looking at her books.  I’ve found her under there more than once.

Shortly after that picture went up on facebook, a package arrived in the mail for Emma.

It had a note from Aunt KK.

And a book.

And chocolate coins!!

The bubble wrap packaging is fun for a two year old.  (And I may or may not have popped it too….)

The book was “Happy Hippo, Angry Duck” by Sandra Boyton.  It’s a cute book, and has become Em’s absolute favorite book.  She brings it to me to read almost every day. :)

Thanks Aunt KK!

Halloween 2011

I got these sparkly red shoes on clearance at Walmart last year.  I tried them on her this summer, and they fit.  She wore them a few times, and every time, someone would comment on how they looked like Dorothy’s ruby red shoes.  And a costume idea was born.

So we had the shoes, we had the tights, we had the white shirt.  I needed a dress.  I found light blue gingham on sale… once again at Walmart, for 1.50 a yard, buttons for .67, a thrift store basket for .50, and a little stuffed puppy for 3.00.  All in all a pretty cheap costume.  We ended up seeing lots of other Dorothy costumes, but I thought Em was the cutest. Not like I’m biased or anything.

I’m not huge into Halloween, but we took Em out trick or treating up and down our little street.  She did great.  It was fun to experience it with her.  We got back at about 7.  She started crying saying she had to go potty.  When I took her in the bathroom she whimpered “night, night.” She kept at it and was quite insistent. So we did our bedtime routine…. a full hour earlier than normal.  Now understand this, my kid NEVER wants to go to bed.  She usually puts up some sort of fight, and I honestly can’t think of a time in the last year and a half that she was asleep at 7:30 pm.   She ended up sleeping for 14 hours straight.  That walk up and down the street must have just worn her out!

Happy Birthday Emma

TWO YEARS OLD!!!!  A princess party is in order.  What’s the first thing you need for a princess party?  I’d say a dress.

So how cute is this for a princess dress??  My friend Kristy made it for Emma for her birthday.

Look at the beautiful details.

Emma’s friends Hudson and Tate delivering the princess dress before the party.

While Emma was napping before the party, I was busy filling up balloons.  Fifty of them! :)

A chair fit for a birthday princess.  Made by mommy of course.

Em’s little friend Lily.  Isn’t she adorable?

The princess makes her entrance.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. (Really she was just sad that someone needed to use her bedroom for a minute to wrap a gift.  She thought they were playing in there without her.)

The cake.  This was a real team effort.  The base cake was a Costco cake.  I got that, really just because I like them.  They are tasty.  The princess cake I made and put the fondant on ahead of time.  The flowers I made ahead of time too.  I ran out of time just before the party, Em’s Grandee (my mom) finished putting everything together.  My dear friend Kristy made the chocolate mold crowns ahead of time.  I’m really pleased with how it turned out.

Our little family.  This makes my heart tingle.

The spread.  Finger foods, lemonade and cake.  What more could you ask for?

Friends and family together to celebrate Emma.

Every princess needs a tool pouch, right?

What a great day.  I was sad that several people weren’t able to make it to the party.  But I was thankful for everyone who did come.  Especially the Aunts that had a long drive! 

(A special thank you to my mom, Kristy and of course Mark for all of your help with the party!)