12-19-2008

My thoughts are all over the place.  I’m going to try to come up with a post that makes some sort of sense.

12-19-2008. 

It was three years ago. 

But I remember it like it was yesterday.
 

It was Friday.   The day started like any other.  That day and for nearly three months before that, the day started with a needle being jabbed into my behind by my husband.  He didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t want him to do it.  But it was a part of the process.  It’s often a necessary evil of early pregnancy when one doesn’t get pregnant the old fashioned way.  We had been trying to conceive for more than five years, and had one miscarriage.  This time I was nearing 11 weeks.  Two weeks earlier I was released from the care of our reproductive specialist.  At that last appointment, we were able to see a beautiful beating heart, and little arms.  I finally had the courage to fill in the dates on my pregnancy journal.

12-19-2008

I went to work for part of the day.  Then I met my husband for our first OB appointment.  I went in armed with all kinds of information.  We had an initial evaluation with the nurse.  I rattled off all kinds of info for her—the exact gestational age of the baby, dosages of medications, our plan for weaning off of the shots, etc.  I was sounding quite Type A.  When one invests as much time, resources and energy into getting pregnant one typically knows more about early pregnancy than average.  When the Nurse Practioner came in I said, “She probably rolled her eyes and said ‘She’s one of THOSE’”  The NP laughed, but didn’t disagree.  I didn’t care.  We went through the rest of the exam.  She tried to find the heartbeat on the fetal doppler, but was unable to.  She wasn’t concerned.  It was still early.  She said they typically do an ultrasound during the first exam, but since I had one two weeks earlier it wasn’t necessary.  She gave me the option.  I said that we would never turn down a chance to get a peek at our little one.  We went across the hall to the ultrasound room.  The ultrasound tech initially tried an abdominal ultrasound.  She told me to go empty my bladder and we’d try a vaginal ultrasound.

12-19-2008

My world shattered.

The ultrasound tech clicked away quietly taking measurements of the baby.  The silence was deafening.  You see, an ultrasound tech is not a doctor.  They really aren’t allowed to say much.  She didn’t need to.  I could see with my own eyes that the beautiful flickering light I had seen two weeks earlier was no longer flickering.

12-19-2008

It was as if I was outside the room, looking in on someone else.  This couldn’t be my life.  I said “The heart isn’t beating.  Is it?”  She said she was sure having a hard time finding it.  She then left the room and returned with a doctor.  He confirmed the nightmare that was our life at that moment.—Our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  According to the measurements it probably happened about a week earlier.  He gave us options.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to see if I would miscarry naturally, and then schedule a D&C.

12-19-2008

I started my day happily pregnant.  I ended my day a mom grieving the death of  her child. 

12-19-2008

I started my day with a bit of nausea that is so common in early pregnancy.  I ended the day sobbing so hard I threw up.

12-19-2008

I can’t decide if the date is forever etched into my memory, or if I simply won’t allow myself to forget, because somehow forgetting would be a betrayal to my baby’s memory.

12-19-2008

It’s been three years, and what have I learned? 

I’ve learned that everyone grieves differently.  What may help me with my healing may to hard for you. 

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t say something, doesn’t mean they don’t care.  Sometimes they just don’t know what to say.

I’ve learned that pregnancy loss is a hard thing for people to talk about.  But it is something that shouldn’t be taboo.  Too many people suffer this loss in silence and isolation.

I’ve learned that beauty truly does come from ashes.  The very same time my baby was being removed from my body, Emma’s body was being formed inside of her birthmom.  I will never fully understand this side of heaven the purpose of the lives of my children that are in heaven.  But I do know they have forever left footprints on my heart. 

12-19-2008

Bella Hope.  She was indeed our beautiful hope.

Several months ago I saw a picture and thought it was beautiful.  It said:

 "Today should have been so different. Just know I'm thinking about you, missing you, loving you, celebrating you, this side of Heaven."

 But the more I thought of it, the more I had to disagree.  Today COULD have been so much different.  But SHOULD it have been?  Given the choice, would I have chosen for my children to die within my body?  No.  I sure wouldn’t have.  But God sees far more of the picture than I do.  I’m thankful for that.  Think of what I would have missed out on.  Stay with me here.  I hope I’ll make that make sense.

A number of years ago I did a Beth Moore bible study called  “Believing God.”  In a portion of that study we were instructed to reflect on God’s apparent activity in various seasons of our lives. In that process, I realized some things I had never thought of.  God has used some terrible circumstances for good in my life.  My first mom died when she was 25 years old.  She had cancer.  Because of her illness, she had time to make ensure she was right with God.  God used a terrible thing—cancer, to draw my mom closer to Him.  At the same time, God used a terrible thing—the death of my mom, to place me in a wonderful Christian home with sisters and a brother, and two parents who loved Him.   Would I have chosen for my mom to die?  No.  But once again.  God saw far more of the picture, and chose to use a terrible circumstance for good.

Our first baby was Gabe.  If Gabe had lived, we would have never had Bella.  If Bella would have lived, we would never have known Emma.  The thought of not knowing this amazing little person kills me inside.

So this year, on December 19, while I still grieve her death, with tears in my eyes, I am choosing to celebrate our Bella Hope and thank God that He sees more of the picture than I do.