Happy Birthday Mama Lucy...

Today would have been Mama Lucy's 52nd birthday. She's been gone longer than she was alive. Mama Lucy was my first mom. She is the one who gave me the gift of life. She died when she was just a couple of months shy of 25. I thought about it briefly today but didn't dwell on it. I'm glad. Now reflecting on it tonight I am sad. She was so young. I was so young.
She was younger when she died than I was when I got married. How crazy is that? I wish she could see the person I've grown to be. I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think she would be proud.

Happy Birthday in heaven Mama Lucy. I'm so happy to know that I will see you again someday. Hug my babies for me!

More fun with uppercase living!

My previous post told you all about my new business with Uppercase Living. I got my first order in this week and I've been having fun! Here are some pictures of what we've done with it so far. I've got more to do, and another order coming this week. I'm excited!

Way out of date again!

My blog is way out of date again. What can I say? There are a few small things I could have been updating you about along the way.

First thing. I have started an at-home business. I have joined Uppercase Living as an independent demonstrator. UL is a company that does at-home parties selling vinyl letter and expressions. That description doesn't do it justice. You really have to see the catalog to know what I'm talking about. (My new UL website is http://kinder.uppercaseliving.net- If you find something you'd like, let me know. I can take paypal and have it shipped directly to you if you're not in my area!). I could really go crazy with this stuff. I just received my demonstrators kit this week, and I've been working on getting my stuff together and all organized. As of right now my first party is scheduled for the middle of September. There is another in the works, for September, and room for more. I don't want to become a pushy person with this stuff. The last thing I want is people to dread seeing me coming. But I do hope to make some extra money for "The Human Fund." The name for the Human Fund did come from a particular episode of Seinfeld. But our Human Fund really is for Humans ;) That's what we call our savings for infertility treatments. That brings me to the next update.

We are about half a step closer to doing treatment. I do have a tentative goal of another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! We are still praying, and will accept a closed door if that is what God has for us, but for now we continue to move forward. Finances are still a concern (anyone want some words for their wall?) but I'm confident that if this is what God wants for us, He will provide.

Mark is doing well. He continues to sleep with his CPAP machine. We met with the sleep doctor this week, and were very pleased to find out that bottom number of his blood pressure has gone down 10 in the last month! All this from getting restful sleep at night. Who knew?? I guess I should check my blood pressure. Maybe I'm getting better sleep now too! Seriously I've slept all night each night in our bed. This hasn't happened in YEARS! It really is an exciting thing for me. One of my co-workers said that now that I'm sleeping in the same bed as my husband, maybe I will get pregnant. I hated to explain to this 60 year old woman that it's not the SLEEPING that makes babies. I guess it's been awhile since she had kids at home! Seriously though, I know way about conception than I ever wanted to. It now amazes me how much the fertile world doesn't know about conception.

More glorious sleep!

Well, it's been more than a week since Mark got his CPAP. I heard some noise last night. He was breathing in through his nose (through the mask) and out through his mouth. I got up and adjusted his mask. I don't know if it stopped him breathing through his mouth or not. He at least stopped long enough for me to fall asleep. I've now slept 9 nights in a row in our bedroom with him. This is some kind of crazy record.

I've accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend. Wait, wait, that's not true. I patched 3 pairs of Marks pants. I don't want to go telling stories on him, but he seems to have troubles with his pants at work. They like to rip on him.

In other news, I'd really appreciate your prayers. I've had a serious longing lately to go back for our embryos. I see Asian children, and think. I wonder if that's what our babies could look like. I want to do treatment again, but the finances aren't quite there. But more than that, I don't feel a clear direction. I don't know if this recent stirring in me is just my own fleshly desires, or something from God. I want to know clearly that any steps we take for our family are in His will for us. The treatment process is far too much of an physical, emotional, and financial investment to do on my own. Not to mention that we are dealing with real human lives here.

Guess who is playing in our back yard!

OK, so maybe not IN our back yard, but above it, and the surrounding area. It's the Blue Angels! There's an air show going on this weekend at an airport about 4 miles from our house. When the Blue Angels started roaring above the house, Lady and I went outside to watch. They went right over us several times.

These were pictures from yesterday. They are just getting ready to take to the sky for today's show right now.

Sleep. It's a beautiful thing!

Sleep. It's a beautiful thing! I have just awaken from my second, yes second full night of sleep in the same room as my husband. To the average married person, this may seem trivial. But I think it's probably been a year or two since we've slept two full nights in our bed together. You may be asking yourself why the sudden change? The sudden change is my new best friend. It's called CPAP. You probably didn't read that correct. It doesn't say CRAP. It's CPAP. CPAP is an acronym, and stands for Constant Positive Airway Pressure. It's a small mask that Mark straps to his face. It covers his nose, and has a hose attached to it that connects to a machine next to the bed. There are several different machines. His has a heater and humidifier, as well as the standard air. Hi.s machine also has a "ramp" feature. This is probably the most important feature for him right now. It takes some getting used to, having a mask blowing air down your throat! So when he turns it on, he can press the ramp button, and this allows the air pressure to start at 1/2 of his prescribed pressure, and gradually increase to the correct pressure over about 20 minutes. This makes it easier for him to fall asleep. He hasn't had any troubles at all. He took the mask off once while he was asleep. I was awakened by the snoring, I could tell he was back to the same old pauses in breathing, so I reached over and felt his face. That answered the questions. I woke him up and helped him get it back on. As long as he has the mask on, it has virtually eliminated his snoring!


This may make it sound like it's more for me than him. I will admit I'm reaping the benefits of this machine. But Mark is as well. He wakes in the morning feeling more rested. He has more energy throughout the day. He is just feeling better!


Mark had two different sleep studies. The first diagnosed that he did in fact have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I explained exactly what OSA is in a previous post. The second sleep study was called a CPAP Titration. That night they hooked up all the same wires and monitors to him as the first sleep study. But this time they also hooked up a CPAP machine. Throughout the night, the tech adjusted the pressure on the CPAP to find out exactly what pressure he needed to eliminate the apnea events.


For those who like visuals:

This first image shows a few minutes of his first sleep study. The biggest thing I noticed on this is his airflow. When it's flat, he's not getting breath. Then he takes in about two breaths, and then no breath. This repeats over and over again. Keeping the airflow line in mind, look above at all of the other lines in the top half. Just before he breathes, he has increased activity. This is his brain waking him up enough to make him breathe again. At this particular time his oxygen level was 89.1 (but eventually got down to 75) his pulse was 68.4, and he was in stage 2 sleep.

With his second night, the CPAP flow replaces the airflow. With a consistent air supply coming in, everything else seems more consistent. His oxygen level is 95, his pulse is 73.4 and he is in a deeper stage 3 sleep.

Looking at this on a chart was amazing to me to see how much of an improvement this was for him!

EEK! It's been awhile

It's been awhile since my last post. Man I'm getting bad at this. About the only thing to report is my wonderful husband does in fact have sleep apnea. I've suspected it for quite awhile. I had him scheduled for a sleep study a couple of years ago, but he backed out. I finally convinced him to go through with it. I handled all the details. It was definitely a stretch from his comfort zone. It wasn't nearly as scary as he thought it would be. I drove him there, and stayed while they hooked him up. I think there were probably about 20 wires connected to him. I laid in bed with him and watched tv for about an hour. Then I drove home and spent the first full night in our bed, in at least 6 months! I normally start in our bed, and then sometime during the night, the snoring gets to me, so Lady and I head to the other side of the house. The night of his sleep study, I spent the whole night in our bed, but still woke up several times. Can't sleep with him, can't sleep without him.

For those of you wondering just what sleep apnea is, here's the short version: Obstructive sleep apnea is a sleep disorder where the soft tissue in the throat relaxes enough to collapse, either partially or completely closing off the airway. The body continues trying to breathe, but as the oxygen level decreases, the brain sends signal to wake up the body enough to open the airway again. This means sleep is not restful. The body does not have time to recuperate as it was created to do. The stress that this puts on the body can lead to a host of terrible things, heart conditions, stroke, etc. Not to mention the stuff that comes from just being tired; irritability, falling asleep at inappropriate times or inappropriate places, work accidents, etc.

The standard definition of any apneic event includes a minimum 10 second interval between breaths, with either a neurological arousal (a 3-second or greater shift in EEG frequency, measured at C3, C4, O1, or O2), a blood oxygen desaturation of 3-4% or greater, or both arousal and desaturation. Sleep apnea is diagnosed with an overnight sleep test called a polysomnogram. Clinically significant levels of sleep apnea are defined as five or more episodes per hour of any type of apnea (from the polysomnogram).

The night of his sleep study, he went to bed at about 11:00 and woke at about 5:30. This is fairly normal for him. During this time frame, he had partial to total airway obstruction an average of 41.4 times per hour. He had full obstruction 221 times throughout the night. A healthy oxygen level is around 90% - His got down to 75%.

This is freaky stuff! I knew he probably had it. But I was thinking he had stopped breathing once in awhile. I've heard him gasp and sputter from time to time. I had no idea it was this bad.

So they give us this information, and then tell us we have to wait 5 weeks for an opening for another sleep study so they can fix the problem! That's nuts I tell ya. I asked that they put us on a waiting list for any cancellation appointments. She explained to me that he's been sleeping like this for years. It's just to protect his future health.

Luckily there was a cancellation, and he's been moved up another 2 weeks. So he will have another sleep study called a titration. This is where he will be sleeping with a CPAP machine (Constant Positive Airway Pressure). They will set the pressure of the machine so that it's enough to keep his airway open. He currently has a practice machine to get used to breathing with it. It's an adjustment. I put it on for a few minutes myself. It feels like the wind is blowing in your face. He's just supposed to wear it for 15-20 minutes each day to get himself used to it. The last couple of nights he's been ready for bed, so I've let him sleep for a little bit with it (even though we don't have instructions to do so). I figure I'm here next to him, so I can see if there is a problem. He's sleeping so peacefully right now, and sooooo quietly! Still snoring a bit, but nothing like the normal chainsaw!

I really hope getting on a CPAP machine will allow him to get truly restful sleep in the near future!

Liquified worm poop. What the? Who does this? I don't envy that job.

Bolthouse Farms

Just this weekend, I learned of a company called Bolthouse Farms. I live in small town Idaho, and have to actually put forth an effort to look for the type of all natural products (primarily juices/smoothies and salad dressings) this company sells. To be honest, I usually don't even try. However when I read of them this weekend, I decided to seek out a store in my area that carried their products. The reason I did this is because of a boycott being organized against their products by Liberal Gay Activists. To quote their website, they are unhappy with the fact that:

"William Bolthouse, founder and 43% owner of Bolthouse Farms, a farm in California that provides organic juices, lemonades, and smoothies to places like Whole Foods and other organic market places, has just recently given a donation of $100,000 to proponents of a campaign to strip California couples of the right to marry. "

So I went to the Bolthouse Farms Website and read their mission statement. I will quote the beginning of their mission philosophy.

Corporate Philosophy - The purpose of this Company is to glorify God through our business transactions, our work, and our relationships. It is further our desire to bring honor and glory to the Name of Jesus Christ by following God's Word in all of our dealings with employees, suppliers, and customers. God's Work as contained in His Inspired Scriptures will be the final authority in all Corporate matters concerning direction, decisions, and disputes.

As soon as I read this, I was sold. It's such a rare gem to find this a company these days, in a world where it is so politically incorrect to bring religious faith into the workplace, and market place. I will (and did today) go out of my way to support a company like this. You see, I'm a Conservative Christian. The gay activists can call for a boycott, and they are just standing up for their rights, but for a conservative Christian to call for support for this company, that means I'm considered a bigot. As I said before, I just learned of this company. I have nothing to gain financially by calling other people to support them. I just want to stand up for a company that is doing what is right!

I went to the Bolthouse Farms Store Locator and found some stores in my area (Winco, Wal-Mart, and Albertsons), and set out in search of their products. I will admit, they cost more than I would normally spend on juice (I guess most all natural products are). However I'm happy to spend my money on this. After buying a couple of bottles of smoothies, and a bottle of salad dressing, we headed to Costco to finish up the rest of our shopping, and stumbled upon more Bolthouse Juice products. I happily purchased them as well. All that we got tasted very good. Here is what one shelf of our fridge looks like today. Mark really liked the Perfectly Protein Vanilla Chai. I liked the C-Boost Tropical Fruit Smoothie.

Soooooo, if you are in the market for some all natural juices, smoothies, or lower fat, lower calorie salad dressing, please consider supporting this company that is really willing to put their money where their mouth is!

Whew, I'm tired!

I've had the sleepies lately. Don't know what my malfunction is. It's always something with me isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I started noticing some lumps in my neck. They are lymph nodes. I had 3 that were very enlarged. They were causing quite a bit of discomfort, and a hummer of a headache. I called my family doctor's office. I couldn't get an appointment to see him for another week. I had a worried hubby and mom, so I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner, for the next day. I took the time off of work, and drove the 20 minutes to arrive at the doctors office 5 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I sat in the waiting room, and I sat there and sat there. 40 minutes later I was taken to a children's exam room. The only reading material in the room was kids books and pregnancy magazines. I was left in the exam room another 20 minutes. The NP came in. She acknowledged the wait, but didn't apologize. I wanted to throw a fit, but I maintained my composure. I told her what was going on, she felt, said they were enlarged lymph nodes, gave me some antibiotics and said if it didn't clear up in 4 weeks to call back. I won't be calling her back thank you very much. I'll go to the-dock-in-the-box a mile from my office for a wait like that. At least I expect to wait when I go there, since they don't accept appointments.

The lumps are still there, but thankfully have gone down a lot. A bad experience like that just makes me like my doctor even more. I don't mind waiting for him, because once I see him, I get his attention for as long as I need. He's a great doctor. He and his nurse sat with me for nearly an hour as I cried during my annual exam after our miscarriage. That's not common in this day and age of rush rush rush.

I think the biggest part of my sleepies today was from sitting in the sun for 4 hours at the fairgrounds. I work for a natural gas company, and my company hosted a "gas rodeo" today.



If you want to know what I'm referring to by "gas rodeo" there's a video
We had the exact same events today at our rodeo. The winning team from my company will go to a national competition. They did things like picking up an egg with a backhoe without breaking it. It was fun. It was hot! We had a BBQ afterwards. Poor Mark got bored, but he did get good hubby points for going! While we were there, we saw our nephews who were showing their pigs at a different event at the same fair grounds. Lots of fun today! I guess now that it's 11:00 pm, I have a right to be tired.... (we just won't talk about the 2 hour nap this afternoon) :)

What can I say

Well, What can I say for myself? I'm slow, and lack motivation. Last weekend, I started modifying my blog with great hopes of a full overhaul. A week later, I haven't done anything else, except for leave it nearly impossible to read. So I'm going to change back to a default blogger template. They are boring but readable. I can then work on some graphics and other stuff, while you can still read this stuff!

Thanks for your patience

An Apology

I just wanted to post a quick apology. I'm playing around with some updating on my blog. Until I get the bugs worked out, this make things difficult to read or access for a little while. I have no idea how long it's going to take me! I really don't even know what I want :) So I guess that complicates things. That and the fact that it's been years since I've done written HTML, and I've pretty much forgotten everything! I'm borrowing code, and reading up on how to make the changes I want to! Thanks for your patience!

Who does this stuff?

I know my blog is nothing too exciting. As the sub-title says, it's just my daily nonsense.... and not even daily at that anymore. My blog isn't too exciting, because my life isn't too exciting. And truthfully, sometimes that's really best. So we've established, it's none-too-exciting, but I do have a handful of faithful readers. How does know you ask might ask yourself, as there are rarely comments. I have a hidden counter, and stat tracker on this blog. It captures benign information about your visit here, like how you got here (if from a link, etc) what page you were on when you left, date and time of visit, your ISP, city and state of your ISP, etc. I check this information from time to time, and I'm often surprised at how regularly some of you visit, even when my posts have been sparse. I'm honored that you want a window into my life. I actually had a blog (not this blog) long before they were called blogs, and were so cool! It was about 10 years ago, and I wrote all the html code myself, but I digress.

Back to the comments. I got a spammed comment to my previous blog post. OUCH, it was like a slap in the face, or a kick in the gut. There I was, having an emotional night, and pouring my heart out into my post, and someone spams that post out of all of them! Why couldn't it have been a silly scrap booking post or something like that? It was a post about how children are a gift from God and I should go enter their picture for some scholarship drawing, or something stupid like that. For this reason I have changed my settings to require you to type in some verification letters before leaving a post. I don't want to require a log-in at this point. That might come later if the spam becomes a problem. Hopefully this was an isolated event. Most of the time it wouldn't have bothered me a bit. But really, who does this stuff?

And about that post... I'm doing better now. It's those hills and valleys.

In the way of excitement today, Mark and I drove around for a "Parade of Homes" put on by the local builders association. They were all homes WAY out of our league, but it was fun to see them, and get ideas for things we'd like to incorporate in our home, or future home. The most expensive home we saw was about 6 times the value of our current home. One house had a master closet that was about the size of our current bedroom. It was CRAZY! Another home had a beautiful courtyard and all kinds of bells and whistles. It was fun to daydream, but my feet are tired!

Pressed but not crushed...

This journey of life is not always an easy one. It was never promised to be. I have noticed with myself that I have hills and valleys. Right now seems to be a valley. It's quiet here. I feel alone, but I know I'm not.

It's been 15 months since our baby, Gabe, went to be with Jesus. He was with such a short time. I never held him in my arms. Only in my womb for four precious weeks. I don't even know when when he left us. For that matter, I don't even know he was a he. But I need for our baby to have an identity. How can someone be with us for such a short time, yet forever change the shape of my heart?

It's been 15 months, how can I still be so broken? I want to be fixed. I should be "over" this by now. But with our baby's death, also came the death of all I had hoped and dreamed for my child for the many years we have been trying to conceive. I almost didn't go for my beta (blood pregnancy test) that month. I truly didn't believe I was pregnant. I was prepared for another let down. But the nurse called and told me it was positive. She was guarded, it didn't look good even then, but I allowed myself to hope. This was the miracle we had been praying for. I know that our baby is no less of a miracle now just because he's not with us. That doesn't take away the hurt.

Also not to be discounted are the three precious babies who we received through embryo adoption who went to be with Jesus in January. My body seems to be a tomb.

We have been trying for a baby for 5 years now. I have so many emotions swirling in me right now, but I need to remind myself of this truth:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

God has a very real purpose for this season in my life. I want to thank God for a lady I've never met named Angie (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/), who will probably never see this blog. Her heart breaking experience, and keen ear for what God has to say to her brought me back to this truth. I sat here in my recliner tonight having my pity party for one, and looked at her blog, and ended up having a very real experience with God, like (very sadly) I haven't had in quite awhile.

My post today is such a hodge-podge of emotions. But what can I say folks, this is where I'm at.

Digital Scrapping

I really haven't had much to say lately. I've been a bad blogger! I've done quite a bit of digital scrap booking. I finished our vacation scrapbook and had it printed. I'm quite happy with the results. I ordered it from an online scrap booking company that printed it and bound it as an actual book. I've had quite a number of complements on it, so I guess I'm correct to be pleased with it. In addition to that, I was hired by a co-worker to do a scrapbook of her family reunion last year. She's giving it to her mom next week. I can't wait to hear what she thinks of it. I really enjoy the digital scrap booking. So this "for hire" project gave me some great practice, some new learning, and a bit of money to boot! So that's pretty exciting. Then this last week I did another project for a friend. Her son is "special person of the week" at his preschool. So I did 6 pages for her that will be on the bulletin board at his preschool. I would love to share these projects with you, but since they are not mine, I probably shouldn't, but I can share with you a couple of other small projects I've done.

This is what I gave my mom for Mother's Day. At one point, when talking to someone about my history I said something about "my mom." They said, "You mean your 'real mom'..." That comment REALLY irritates me. They are both my 'real mom.' So I explained to them, one is no more important to who I have become than the other. I have two moms. One who gave me life, and one who taught me what to do with it. So I decided to pass that little bit onto my mom, and what better time to tell her thanks that way than Mother's Day?

These next pages aren't from my pictures, but they are family, so I will share. This is my mom and dad. As I was looking through boxes of family pictures at my parents house last month, I came across several wedding pictures loose in the box. None of them were together, they were just mixed in with all of the other pictures. I decided to put them together in a small album for my parents for their 41st anniversary. My mom called and asked if they could take Mark and I out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary and ours.

(Yikes, side note... I've been such a bad blogger I didn't even mention that a few weeks ago Mark and I celebrated our 5th anniversary!)

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

A Mothers Day Prayer for You on Mothers Day…

For the married women who desire to have children and cannot. Also, for the
single women who desire children yet are getting weary waiting on a spouse. God
understands your situation and we care. “In the name of Jesus, we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your heart and give you peace and that our Father God
would grant you your petition. Amen.” (1 Samuel 1:2-17)

For the single mom. God understands your challenge and we care. “In the
name of Jesus, we ask that the grace of God will sustain you, the wisdom of God
lead you, the love of God encompass you, and the provisions of God overtake you.
Amen.” (Philipians 4:13)

For the moms with a child who has chosen a destructive lifestyle and is in
a physical or spiritual prison. God understands your concern and we care. “In
the name of Jesus, we ask that the Holy Spirit would convict them of sin. We ask
for the perfect laborers to cross their path. We thank God for their salvation,
deliverance and restoration. Amen.” (Proverbs 11:21)

For all the moms who experience grief on Mothers Day because of
miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or a childs death outside the womb. For all
those men and women who experience grief on Mothers Day because of the loss of
their mom. God understands and we care. “In the name of Jesus we ask that the
Holy Spirit will comfort your hearts and give you peace. Jesus bore your grief
so you don’t have to. Jesus we thank you for removing the grief and healing the
heart. Amen” (Isaiah 53:4)

In the name of Jesus we pray for all of our mothers on Mothers Day. May God
our Father bless you and strengthen you and encourage you. May your eyes be
opened that you and others may see that your price is far above rubies and may
your children rise up and call you blessed. (Proverbs 31:10-31)”

-Author Unknown

Mother's Day is not an easy day for everyone. While I celebrate the moms in my life today, I grieve the burden of empty arms. Some days the weight of them seems so hard to lift. I have not attended a mother's day service at church for about 4 years. That may seem selfish. It probably is. But it's also self preservation. Leaving a service in tears is just not something I'm up to today. Sitting paralyzed in fear isn't part of my plan either. I will be dreading the part of the service where all moms are asked to stand up? Do I stand? Do I remain seated. If I stand, how do I respond when the oldest and youngest questions are asked? My only children are in heaven. 4 is the known count now. I don't even know how to treat this with my family. For all practical purposes, we are childless. We hardly ever talk about our losses. So last night at a family dinner when my dad announced that the mothers were to go through the line first to get their food, there I was, paralyzed. It was easier to remain seated. Good thing it was bright and sunny yesterday, because the tears welled up in my eyes. In my plan for my life, I would have a 6 month old baby in my arms right now. Thankfully my sister went and got a plate and handed it to me, and told me to go get my food, and my teenage nephews didn't argue that I was able to get my food before them.

Mark doesn't always know how to handle me. He doesn't want to make me cry. So this year he asked me straight up, if I wanted something for Mother's Day. In the end, he got me a card and some chocolates. I think that was perfect (even if he does eat a portion of the chocolates :) ) The card was sweet, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have a brother in law who buried his mom this week. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, but you are in my prayers today as well. All of that rambling to say, my prayer is not only for those who celebrate today, but also for those that grieve today as well. Please remember the people in your life who might be quietly grieving today as well.

Even more!

Today's entry

even more!

For some silly reason, these 3 pages weren't clickable in the previous post, so here they are again.

(Click on the pictures to view them larger)

My latest digi layouts

Here's the layouts for the last couple of days. I took so many pictures, I'm trying to narrow it down. I don't want a long boring scrapbook, but I still want to capture the wonderful time we've had. I do need to add more journaling to several pages, but at least you get an idea! (I made the film strip on the last one from scratch. I spent some time on it, but I saved it as a .png file so I can reuse it in other layouts later if I want. I think it looks kinda cool :)

(Click on the pictures to see them larger)