An open letter on open adoption

An open letter about open adoption.

My husband and I went into the adoption process wanting nothing to do with open adoption.  I wanted a child. And I wanted that child to be our child. No sharing!  When one friend talked about her very open adoption, I remember thinking they must be crazy.  There’s no way I could be in an adoption like that. But we knew from information from our adoption agency that if we had hopes of being chosen by potential birth parents, some amount of openness would likely be required.  Open adoption can seem like such an overwhelming and scary concept.  In retrospect, I think it’s also a very misunderstood concept.

Our adoption agency had required training classes.  In that training, I was asked how I would handle it should our child ever express interest in wanting to meet their birth parents.  The thought overwhelmed me with emotion, and I started bawling.  All I could think was that it would be as if they were saying for some reason I was not enough for them.  That is the moment I can recognize as the beginning of God reshaping our hearts and attitudes towards open adoption.  My fears and apprehensions were rooted in my own insecurities! 

I knew from our adoption education that a good open adoption situation is the healthiest option for the birth parents.  They are able to know and “see” (whether that be in person, or though pictures and letters) that their child is loved and cared for.  Birthparents in an open adoption typically process through the normal feelings of grief more quickly.

I knew from our adoption education that a good open adoption situation is the healthiest option for the adopted child.  They are able to know on an ongoing basis that they were always wanted and loved.  There is ongoing access to birth parents for questions to be answered, anywhere from “Who do I look like?” to medical history, and many points in between.  Adopted children in an open adoption have an earlier and more concrete understanding of adoption, because there are physical people to attach titles to, not abstract concepts.

What I was not prepared for was how much I personally would be blessed by an open adoption relationship.  We spent several days in the hospital with our daughter’s birth parents when she was born.  I came to care for them both a great deal.  It was so emotional when we all left the hospital going in our separate directions.  I cried the whole way home.  Not quiet tears trailing down my cheeks as I looked into my daughter’s eyes and saw her birthmom’s.  It was the the ugly cry.  It was much like the tears I shed over the loss of my miscarried babies.  I grieved deeply for the anguish I knew they must be feeling.  Hearing our daughter’s bithmom confirm through the years that it was in fact the hardest thing she’s done, but she has no doubt that it was the best choice, was so good for my heart.

Yesterday we had a visit from our daughter’s birthmom, her husband and their two daughters (one about a year and a half older than our daughter, and one about a year and a half younger).  As we drove down the road my heart was blessed to hear the two older girls in the back seat.  “You’re my sister and I’m your sister, because you came out of my mom’s tummy.”  As adults, we all had a say in this adoption situation.  However these kids didn’t.  They don’t see each other often—probably about 5-6 times a year. But I loved seeing the interactions between them last night.  I am so glad that they have the opportunity to know each other and share this special bond.  I can only imagine what it does for her birthmom’s heart to see the three of them together.

Our open adoption did not start this way from day one.  It took time and effort to get here.  In setting up our open adoption agreement, I took a page from my many years working in customer service.  “Under promise, and over deliver.”  Our agreement states that we will provide letters and pictures on a set schedule, and one (mediated) visit per year.  We were careful to only agree to what we knew we could follow through with.  Over time, our relationships have progressed far past that.

Does an open relationship work in every situation? No.  Open adoption works when everyone involved is focused on what is best for the child, and respects the position of the others in the child’s life. Sadly, there are times when adoption wasn’t the birthparents choice for the child, and the safety and well being of the child is always the most important consideration.  But where safety is not a concern, even without the most ideal conditions, I think even a small amount of contact can be very good for the child.

Does every open adoption look like ours?  Absolutely not.  Open adoption is a relationship.  My relationship with one friend looks very different than my relationship with another, and they change with time and interaction.   If we are blessed with the opportunity to adopt again, that relationship will look different than the one we have with our daughter’s birth parents.

To simplify open adoption, it’s some amount of contact. That can be a small as letters and pictures exchanged through a third party.  It’s not co-parenting.  It’s not always easy.  But it can be such an amazing blessing.

Just as I was finishing up this letter, our daughter woke up and came to me.  The first words out of her mouth were “Mommy, can we go see {birthmom’s name}, please, please, please!”  I thought back on my insecurities.  Is this her saying I’m not enough? I don’t believe that at all.  I think it’s her knowing that there are lots of people that love her.  And really—can a child have too many people that love them?

Family Day

Let me start by saying that I fully recognize that I have yet to blog about Christmas.  I’ll get there… but first let me talk about today. 

We’re working on planning a vacation for early spring.  I really want to go to southern California.  We’ve taken some really great vacations there in our pre-Emma days.  I can’t wait to go experience some of those things with her now.  My favorite vacation since Mark and I have been together was to San Diego a few years ago.  I absolutely LOVED Sea World.

We’ve gone to the Boise Zoo a couple of times with Emma.  But the first time she was very young.  The second time she was about a year and a half old.  She really didn’t notice the animals at all.  This made me wonder if animals at Sea World would do anything for her.  I know she will not remember this vacation, but I still want her to enjoy it.

These were the thoughts that prompted todays experiment.  We took a drive about 25 miles away to a fish hatchery that has a visitor center. 

There is a good sized pond with a bunch of different kinds of fish in it. 

And one HUGE Sturgeon.  This guy was about 7 ft long!

The experiment was a success!! She loved it seeing the “Garys.”

Then we went down the ramp to the pond’s underground viewing area.

We watched the fish for awhile.  Long enough to determine Sea World should be fun for her.  Then we came back out of the underground viewing area.  Emma and Daddy climbed the hill a few times to run off a little energy.

And then I helped her roll down the hill.  She laughed and laughed.

It was a great family afternoon.  I love days like this. :)

12-19-2008

My thoughts are all over the place.  I’m going to try to come up with a post that makes some sort of sense.

12-19-2008. 

It was three years ago. 

But I remember it like it was yesterday.
 

It was Friday.   The day started like any other.  That day and for nearly three months before that, the day started with a needle being jabbed into my behind by my husband.  He didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t want him to do it.  But it was a part of the process.  It’s often a necessary evil of early pregnancy when one doesn’t get pregnant the old fashioned way.  We had been trying to conceive for more than five years, and had one miscarriage.  This time I was nearing 11 weeks.  Two weeks earlier I was released from the care of our reproductive specialist.  At that last appointment, we were able to see a beautiful beating heart, and little arms.  I finally had the courage to fill in the dates on my pregnancy journal.

12-19-2008

I went to work for part of the day.  Then I met my husband for our first OB appointment.  I went in armed with all kinds of information.  We had an initial evaluation with the nurse.  I rattled off all kinds of info for her—the exact gestational age of the baby, dosages of medications, our plan for weaning off of the shots, etc.  I was sounding quite Type A.  When one invests as much time, resources and energy into getting pregnant one typically knows more about early pregnancy than average.  When the Nurse Practioner came in I said, “She probably rolled her eyes and said ‘She’s one of THOSE’”  The NP laughed, but didn’t disagree.  I didn’t care.  We went through the rest of the exam.  She tried to find the heartbeat on the fetal doppler, but was unable to.  She wasn’t concerned.  It was still early.  She said they typically do an ultrasound during the first exam, but since I had one two weeks earlier it wasn’t necessary.  She gave me the option.  I said that we would never turn down a chance to get a peek at our little one.  We went across the hall to the ultrasound room.  The ultrasound tech initially tried an abdominal ultrasound.  She told me to go empty my bladder and we’d try a vaginal ultrasound.

12-19-2008

My world shattered.

The ultrasound tech clicked away quietly taking measurements of the baby.  The silence was deafening.  You see, an ultrasound tech is not a doctor.  They really aren’t allowed to say much.  She didn’t need to.  I could see with my own eyes that the beautiful flickering light I had seen two weeks earlier was no longer flickering.

12-19-2008

It was as if I was outside the room, looking in on someone else.  This couldn’t be my life.  I said “The heart isn’t beating.  Is it?”  She said she was sure having a hard time finding it.  She then left the room and returned with a doctor.  He confirmed the nightmare that was our life at that moment.—Our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  According to the measurements it probably happened about a week earlier.  He gave us options.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to see if I would miscarry naturally, and then schedule a D&C.

12-19-2008

I started my day happily pregnant.  I ended my day a mom grieving the death of  her child. 

12-19-2008

I started my day with a bit of nausea that is so common in early pregnancy.  I ended the day sobbing so hard I threw up.

12-19-2008

I can’t decide if the date is forever etched into my memory, or if I simply won’t allow myself to forget, because somehow forgetting would be a betrayal to my baby’s memory.

12-19-2008

It’s been three years, and what have I learned? 

I’ve learned that everyone grieves differently.  What may help me with my healing may to hard for you. 

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t say something, doesn’t mean they don’t care.  Sometimes they just don’t know what to say.

I’ve learned that pregnancy loss is a hard thing for people to talk about.  But it is something that shouldn’t be taboo.  Too many people suffer this loss in silence and isolation.

I’ve learned that beauty truly does come from ashes.  The very same time my baby was being removed from my body, Emma’s body was being formed inside of her birthmom.  I will never fully understand this side of heaven the purpose of the lives of my children that are in heaven.  But I do know they have forever left footprints on my heart. 

12-19-2008

Bella Hope.  She was indeed our beautiful hope.

Several months ago I saw a picture and thought it was beautiful.  It said:

 "Today should have been so different. Just know I'm thinking about you, missing you, loving you, celebrating you, this side of Heaven."

 But the more I thought of it, the more I had to disagree.  Today COULD have been so much different.  But SHOULD it have been?  Given the choice, would I have chosen for my children to die within my body?  No.  I sure wouldn’t have.  But God sees far more of the picture than I do.  I’m thankful for that.  Think of what I would have missed out on.  Stay with me here.  I hope I’ll make that make sense.

A number of years ago I did a Beth Moore bible study called  “Believing God.”  In a portion of that study we were instructed to reflect on God’s apparent activity in various seasons of our lives. In that process, I realized some things I had never thought of.  God has used some terrible circumstances for good in my life.  My first mom died when she was 25 years old.  She had cancer.  Because of her illness, she had time to make ensure she was right with God.  God used a terrible thing—cancer, to draw my mom closer to Him.  At the same time, God used a terrible thing—the death of my mom, to place me in a wonderful Christian home with sisters and a brother, and two parents who loved Him.   Would I have chosen for my mom to die?  No.  But once again.  God saw far more of the picture, and chose to use a terrible circumstance for good.

Our first baby was Gabe.  If Gabe had lived, we would have never had Bella.  If Bella would have lived, we would never have known Emma.  The thought of not knowing this amazing little person kills me inside.

So this year, on December 19, while I still grieve her death, with tears in my eyes, I am choosing to celebrate our Bella Hope and thank God that He sees more of the picture than I do.

Stationery card

Starlight Snowflakes Christmas Card

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South Hills Christmas lights

We went to see the Christmas Lights in the South Hills last night.  It was cold.  Probably too cold to walk through the lights but we did it anyway.

It was so cold that I didn’t want to take the time to figure out what settings to put my camera on to get good pictures.  The camera flash makes all of the Christmas lights pretty much disappear in the pictures. :(  I left thinking I didn’t get any good pictures.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the pictures this morning.  I got a few reasonably good ones with the flash off.

Emma called the camel a monkey.  She didn’t want anything to do with it though.  Good thing, because all of the pictures I got of him were super blurry.

Mommy’s clothes

Emma has had a thing for  trying on my clothes lately when I’m turned the other way.  It cracks me up.   This first one obviously isn’t my clothes, but last week when I was pulling out Christmas decorations, she tried on the Leg-lamp lamp shade.

Then there was my pants—a little backward, but I still give her points for effort.

This morning it was my socks—again points for effort.

Digging into the archives of the last few months, I was able to find her with my shoes.

Oh, I can’t forget my ear warmers.

I’m going to skip the picture of her with my bra… and feminine hygiene products.  I’ll save those for teenage blackmail.

Letter, letters, everywhere

Two and a half years ago, I was downsized from a very well paying job.  A few months later I got another job.  Making a little more than half my previous wage.  A month later, Emma joined our family.  I tried to be a work-outside-the-home mom.  I tried for almost a year.  It just wasn’t good for our family.  So I left my job to be a stay at home mom.  While I haven’t regretted it for a second, each of these life changes has required us to do a bit of belt tightening.  One of the things we have done in the last year to cut expenses, was to ditch cable tv.  I’m not going to lie.  I miss it at times.  But Netflix helped to fill the void.  Then they jacked up their prices, and I felt the need to cancel our subscription on principal alone.

One day I was flipping through the Tivo suggestions (it records things you may like based on things it knows you like.)  I’ve never been a big PBS fan.  No real reason why.  I guess I just had other options.  But I decided to play an episode of Word World. 

Emma LOVED it.  We’ve now set the Tivo to record it on a regular basis.  She’s become somewhat obsessed with letters as a result.  She sees them everywhere we go.  She’s always pointing out letters.  Lately, more often than not she identifies them correctly.  I’m so amazed!!

Sometimes at random, she will spell words she has seen on Word World.  Box, tuba, drum, and hat are ones that come to mind.  The other day she was playing and I heard her say “H-A-T hat!”  I’ve said before that I’m not sure whether to be amazed that she has absorbed this, or embarrassed that she’s seen it enough to remember.  I think for now I’m going to be thankful she’s using this as a tool to learn!

Christmas in the Nighttime Sky

There are many things I looked forward to in my desire to become a parent.  I had many years to plan for this.  I wanted so badly to create new traditions with my children, and to make memories with them.  I had high expectations. 

One of those traditions I looked forward to was Christmas in the Nighttime Sky.   Christmas in the Nighttime Sky is a local event the night after Thanksgiving.  It’s sponsored by many local businesses.  There is a potato/chili dinner and concert, followed by fireworks set to Christmas music.  Admission is a new un-wrapped toy for Toys for Tots.  We have never braved the crowds by going to the actual event.  But Mark and I have been going to watch the fireworks from nearby for years.  We go to Starbucks and get hot apple cider, and find somewhere to park with a good view of the fireworks, and stay warm in our car.  Go ahead and judge.

The thing is… those high expectations I mentioned.  I remember several years sitting in the car with my apple cider wondering if I’d ever have a child to bring here and watch too.  Then Emma came into our lives.  She was two months old when we first took her to “see” the fireworks.   Those expectations? They crashed and burned.  Emma started screaming about the time the first fireworks went off.  Papa-bear came out in Mark.  He was sure the sound scared her.  I’m still pretty sure that she was just upset that she was in her car seat and the car wasn’t moving.  Either way- no one was having any fun, so we left. 

Last year was un-memorable.  Emma was 14 months old.  We parked a little further away in case the sound did scare her.  I don’t think she really noticed the fireworks at all.  We took a picture with the camera on the tripod.  I can’t seem to find it right now.  But it’s great.  You can’t even see Emma’s face because her coat hood is in the way. ;)

Then there was this year.  I’m so glad I brought the video camera.  I’ll just let the video do the talking.

Making music with Daddy…

A couple of weeks ago Mark decided to pull out his guitar and play some music.  So I pulled out Em’s “band in a box” for her to play along with him.  She had a blast.

(please excuse the weird pictures, I was playing with camera settings—not very effectively it seems)

She kept sticking the kazoo and harmonica in Mark’s mouth.

She helped him strum.

We all had fun.  It did my heart good to watch.  I took video.  I’m thinking it’s just too awesome for the internet though.