What's new?

Well, we've had some big changes in our house.  Where do I begin?  I guess we can start with the blogging absence.  My most recent blogging absence coincides directly with my return to full time work after Emma was born.  I was new at my job when we learned we had been chosen to adopt Emma.  My employer was amazing to work with in the time after Emma was born.  They gave me as much time as I needed before returning to work full time.  This was above and beyond, because they were not required to give me a single minute off as a new employee.  I was set to return to work full time on December 1. I struggled with going back to work and putting Emma in daycare.  I reviewed our budget.  I just couldn't see a way to make it without my income.  So back to work I went.

I really enjoyed my job.  It was a good fit for me.  Emma was in a great daycare three days a week that she loved.  They were taking good care of her.  The daycare was very close to my office.  The other two work days, I took her to my mom's house in the neighboring town.  Who could take better care of her than grandma?  My boss was great to let me come into work an hour late on the days I took her to my  mom's house, so I didn't have to leave so early in the morning.  What a great boss is that?

So everything is great, right? Well, mostly.  Except there were things that fell behind while I wasn't working full time.  So I would spend time catching up on one project.  While others fell behind.  Then I would move on to something else.  Then as with many small children in daycare, Emma got sick.  Over. and over. and over. again.  So here I am, torn.  I don't want to miss work and fall any further behind.  But this is my baby girl, and she needs me.  Or at least I feel like she needs me.  Maybe it was me that needed to be with her?  Then there's the house.  The only time the house was really cleaned was when we had a visit planned with the adoption agency case worker.  And my marriage.  Not that my marriage was bad, but it sure wasn't getting the attention it deserved.

As the months went by, I started getting very anxious and emotional.  It felt like I was living in a house of cards.  Like everything was going to fall down around me.  There was a constant feeling of impending doom.  I thought maybe it was the fact that Emma's adoption was not yet finalized, and some hiccups we were running into with the adoption agency.  However Emma's adoption was finalized in May.  The anxiety continued.  It got to the point that I broke down and called my doctor to explore the possibility of anti-depressants. 

Shortly after I took that step, I went to a Pampered Chef party at a friends house.  There was a lady there that I had never met.  I don't even remember what she spoke of exactly.  But she was talking about being a stay at home mom.  And how even when it looks like they aren't going to make it financially, God always meets their needs, and it is worth every sacrifice they make for her to be there to raise their children.  I told her that was my hope in another year or so when the adoption expenses are payed off.

I came home, started praying.  We did some creative financing, and within a couple of weeks had paid off the car and a couple of other smaller bills.  I started composing my letter of resignation.  The cloud over me started to lift.  Then Emma got sick again.  My boss told me I didn't need to be at work.  However I couldn't let myself get any further behind at work.  There was one thing I needed to get done.  I thought it would take no more than half a day, and I would go home to be with my girl.  Eleven hours later, I was leaving the office.  I was so upset that I had let that happen.  My daughter needed me, and I was at work for 11 hours!  I was bawling.  I came home that night and talked it over with Mark.  There simply wasn't enough of me to go around.  As much as I liked my job, and felt dedicated to it, it shouldn't be at the expense of my daughter, my marriage or my home.

July 2 I turned in a 30 day notice.  My boss tried to find other ways that I could do both, and spend more time with my daughter.  I really felt like I needed to just be at home with Emma for now.  Maybe I will find a way to work from home later.  But for now, I just need to be Emma's mom and Mark's wife.  Then she asked if I would be flexible with that 30 day notice while they looked for a replacement.  There were a couple of different replacements chosen that didn't work out.  So my 30 day notice got a lot closer to 60 days.  But last week I finished out my job.  I put in some LONG hours as I approached the end.  I'm glad I did.  I feel good about it.  I didn't get to everything I wanted to.  But I did what I could.

Now I'm home with my girl.  Who is sick.  Again.  Good thing I had no pressure to figure out what to do with her so I could go to work today.  I just stayed home with her.  I'm feeling good, and didn't end up with anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.  I've also had eczema on my hands for about a year and a half that has cleared up on it's own now.  How cool is that!?  I do miss my co-workers, and the individuals they provide support services for, but that doesn't compare to being with Emma.  I know eventually I'll look for some time to myself.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.  For now I'm happy.

That's what's new here.  Next time I'll post pictures.  You're not going to believe this, but Emma is fast approaching one year old!  She's walking and jabbering.  I love this girl!!